SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

ChristineW posted 6/5/2019 15:54 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for about 18 months now and we have lived together for a year. Last year I found some flirty comments to other women on his social media and addressed the topic immediately. I don’t mind a friendly, social person but there’s a difference from “Hey, great photo” and “I love those thick thighs”. He apologized immediately and said he would not continue the behavior. I have to say I saw improvement and that seemed to be the end of things until two weeks ago.
I had a strange feeling in my stomach that even though his social media behavior had changed for the better that something was still was off. While he was away one morning I decided to look through an old phone that he kept in his gym bag. It wasn’t connected to actual phone service but I knew he kept music and apps still on it. I got lucky with the password being something easy and got into it right away. Messages from May 2018 were still on there. Some from a woman he went to a concert with while we were dating last year, some were just flirty messages with pictures, and one was of a woman who claims she was pregnant with his child after they had slept together. I was in shock and late for work at that point so I saved what messages I could and left the phone. I approached him about everything later that night and he admitted to holding onto this secret for the past year knowing if it came to light it would hurt his relationship with not only myself but family and friends as well. What would his mother say that she could have a possible grandchild with someone other than the woman he brings to everything? He said he would be honest and open in our conversation so we could figure out the next steps in our relationship. He claimed the baby was conceived close to when we had started dating but it was not during. He also said when he received that message from the woman that she was already months along. He promised me he never stepped outside of our relationship.
After a week of taking space apart I decided to give him new boundaries and the requirement of us beginning couples counseling. I wasn’t sure I was fully back in yet, but I also didn’t want to walk away regretting not even having tried. I knew he’d have to put in the work and this was a long road but maybe just maybe it was possible to repair things. He deleted all social media accounts, sold the old suspicious phone, and began taking steps to make me feel more appreciated. For the first time in a long time he was planning dates again, contributing more around the house, sitting down and actually talking about his and our feelings, and he agreed to try counseling. We actually had our first session this Monday 6/3 and it seemed to be a good start to figuring us and our future out. However, something still wasn’t sitting right with me. He had messaged the woman who claimed to have his child at the start of our argument a week earlier about following through on a DNA test ( she wasn’t for sure it was his) and she still hadn’t responded. It made me think maybe she was also hurt by all this, maybe she was resentful, maybe mad. It just made me view her as person as well and I wondered how she was handling all this. I did some research and found her on social media, and I saw pictures of the baby. The only problem was the baby was younger than she should have been (had my boyfriend’s story matched up. She should have been 8-9 months old and she looked much younger. I did a search on the mother’s baby registry and found she was due Dec 27, 2018 making the baby only five months old. This was my worst fear but also what I think deep down I knew in my gut. This would have meant the baby was conceived while we were together. Only four months into our relationship but none the less we had agreed we were exclusive at that point and not too long after we had moved in together.
I finally asked him last night before we went to bed for the truth. I told him I knew what it was and at this point if he wanted us to even have a chance of healing and moving forward he had to stop hiding things. He admitted to sleeping with this woman once while we were together and he regretted it every day since. After a bunch of crying from both of us, talking, sorting through the events, and my questions about the events he told me he would do whatever it took at this point to fix us.
So here we are the day after and I’ve burdened my friends enough along this journey, I’ve sorted through their advice, confused myself enough, and analyzed everything enough. Now I just need to put my truth out there. I’m not sure where I want to go or what I want to do. I feel like I should tell him to get out but I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready to act on emotions. I’m angry he took my best friend away, our bright future away, that he “loves” me enough to want to do whatever it takes (leaving me to make the ultimate decision) I’ve seen progress since the start of this, real progress in him. I feel deep in my heart he wants to change and will do anything to make things right. I just wish I had been dating that person all along.

The1stWife posted 6/5/2019 16:12 PM

I am sorry that you have joined the club where infidelity has impacted your life. But please know you will survive e this. We all do in some way thanks to the support we receive here from SI (surviving infidelity).

First I think you have done a very good job dealing with this. You are standing up for yourself and dealing with the truth. Facing it head on. Bravo!

Unfortunately the BF is not. He lied to you after you confronted him to save his butt. Not a good sign. He should have been honest about when they were together.

I don’t know if he will cheat again or remain faithful. Time will tell. Many people believe if they cheat during the honeymoon or early dating/relationship stage when things are good - what happens when you face real issues like kids, money issues, illness, drinking excessively, a job you hate etc. - will that also cause him to cheat?

Point is he is broken and has some issues that need to be resolved. First - figure out why he did it. And he cannot blame you or anything else. Why did he make the choice to cheat?

Best of luck. Set hard boundaries for him. Read up on the 180 to protect yourself.

And get a plan B in place and money in your own name so you can leave him if it comes to that. Be smart. Don’t put all your eggs in this one basket.

ChristineW posted 6/5/2019 16:24 PM

Thank you for your response and advice. Luckily, everything is in my name and I make the money in the relationship so anyone damaged by us breaking up is him. It kind of makes me feel bad to ask for space because he will leave but I know he's just sleeping in his car. Oddly enough I hate seeing people in struggle and pain, even if they may have caused it on me. I don't live in hate and resent I live in love.

When asked why he cheated, he simply told me he honestly doesn't know why. He can't even recall details of the event. Up until she had the baby he never even knew her first name.

One positive I guess was he admitted to his low self esteem, his never feeling he was good enough for me, his deep dark issues since he was a child. He was open to not only therapy for us but also for himself.

Rustylife posted 6/5/2019 16:41 PM

For the first time in a long time he was planning dates again, contributing more around the house, sitting down and actually talking about his and our feelings, and he agreed to try counseling.

What was your relationship like before you caught him? Look, right now he has only admitted to what you've painstakingly discovered. Is this his only affair? Having unprotected sex with a random woman who could get pregnant is very risky behavior. That along with him prowling on social media leering on random women. Just leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth. How did you guys meet? Does he not have a stable job/life?

Words and tears are cheap. You can go to counseling and do the steps but at 18 months, it really isn't worth the hassle imo. You're a kind soul who wants to help people but you can't lose yourself or stop living your own life. This isn't really worth it. Wish him luck in his next relationship and move on.

Lp0725 posted 6/5/2019 19:20 PM

So not only did he cheat on you and lie to you over and over, he also wasn't even man enough to step up and find out whether this baby is even his or not. Was he planning on just ignoring her and the baby until they magically disappeared? If this is really his child, he's already voluntarily missed out on months of this crucial bonding time, and clearly had no plan to financially support the baby. The cheating is bad enough, but even without that the way he's skipped out on his responsibility should really be a deal breaker for you. He's showing you his true self, and that true self is a selfish manchild with zero integrity. I also don't believe his story that it was only one time and he barely remembers it. This guy sounds like a womanizing loser. My honest advice is that you dump this idiot and move on with your life. You seem like a really nice, caring person. You can do WAY better. Be happy he revealed his true character before getting married or having kids.

northeasternarea posted 6/5/2019 20:25 PM

I agree with Lp0725. I don't for a minute believe his story about not knowing her name. Just be glad you aren't married to him and don't have children.

ChristineW posted 6/6/2019 07:29 AM

Thank you all for your replies. Keep in mind, I never said I believed his stories....I just needed to tell my truth for anyone going through the same thing. I just needed to put it somewhere so I can begin my healing process. I'm sure one day I'll look back and this 18 months was nothing with a man not worth my time. It's always easier said than done though. I have decided to separate and begin counseling for myself. Maybe in a few weeks I can wish him well for good. Just working on my confidence everyday. Thank you everyone for your words and support!!!

sewardak posted 6/6/2019 07:41 AM

I have been with my boyfriend

I usually stop reading at this point. Run.

Chaos posted 6/6/2019 07:51 AM

I'm being brief here.

You are not married. You do not have children. RUN - do not walk - away. Don't look back.

I'm very sorry.

As for your confidence- it is not his to take. YOU are in control there. Please take care of you so you sparkle again.

Buster123 posted 6/6/2019 08:28 AM

Like others said, not married, no kids, and he's already cheating, please RUN for the hills and don't look back, he's a loser and you deserve so much better, btw don't forget to get tested for STDs, yes he played russian roulette with your health by exposing you to potentially life threatening diseases, RUN don't walk !!!

recovering2018 posted 6/6/2019 15:36 PM

Ditto++.

Life gets harder after marriage, and the relationship gets exposed to more stress.

It's not even working when life is relatively simple. Find a better boyfriend.

Lalagirl posted 6/7/2019 06:57 AM

Christine, you have done the right thing and are moving out of infidelity and that you're in IC. Your WBF can also seek counseling for himself, even if you decide that the split is permanent. Hopefully he will become a better man for himself; he is no good in any relationship if he's not true to himself.

((((Christine))))

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/7/2019 07:15 AM

I agree with others that an 18 month long relationship that has had cheating throughout the duration is not worth trying to save. A boyfriend is not worth all the trouble. You can do better.

Freeme posted 6/7/2019 07:20 AM

I hope you really do separate, I see so many red flags in his behavior and you can do so much better.

It kind of makes me feel bad to ask for space because he will leave but I know he's just sleeping in his car. Oddly enough I hate seeing people in struggle and pain, even if they may have caused it on me. I don't live in hate and resent I live in love.

My fear is that he knows this about you and that it will keep you two together and this will all get swept-ed under the rug.

I think you only got the tip of the ice burg. It sounds like is a serial cheater. That he was using you for your financial stability while cheating. He was only admitting what you already knew after you already found it out. Because you live in Love you also want to trust him, why would someone you love continue to lie to you? He probably knows more about the paternity of that baby then you think. Consider calling the baby ma but take what she tells you with a grain of salt. I doubt it was a one night thing.

He is desperate now, losing you, his home, his parents opinion of him... don't take that as a change of character.

Consider having him take a polygraph test.

mae19681995 posted 6/9/2019 09:59 AM

Dear ChristineW, So sorry you are going through this hurt, pain and betrayal. You sound like you are doing everything the right way. Couples counseling is a great idea, but it is only has good with complete and total honesty. The only way to process what has happened is in complete honest and open communication. There are some bright spots in your message here. The shock of the whole thing has to be weighing on both of you. Please keep going to counseling and have some hard talks about what you want to do. Praying this all works out for you.

StillLivin posted 6/9/2019 12:20 PM

I know you dont want to hear this, but run. Run like hell. The first 2-3 years of a relationship are supposed to be the easiest. You haven't even hit the 2 year mark. It only gets harder after marriage, shared bills, children, etc. If this is what he does when it's easy, it will only get worse from here. He's just not cut out for life with stressors if he can't stay committed with no stress. Cut the dead weight from your life and start over. Take time to heal so that you dont jump into another relationship with someone unworthy.
And be grateful he showed you who he really was before marriage and 3 kids later. Right now it's only you that is hurt. Down the road it will be your children too. Nothing harder or more gut wrenching than seeing your babies faces in pain. Nothing.

StillLivin posted 6/9/2019 12:26 PM

I guess I should have read your follow up. Good, you realized on your own how unworthy he is. If he follows through, and gets the help he needs to be a decent human being who doesnt neglect his children and betray the people who've had his back with affairs, it will still take him years to finish that work. Chances are, he won't do the work. At least YOU and your future children won't be affected by his selfishness and entitlement. I'm sorry you're here. Hugs.

The1stWife posted 6/9/2019 17:22 PM

Please go to the Divorce/Separated section and read SleeplessinSouth’s post.

She was dating and her BF cheated. She left him. Eventually they got back together. They married. Had kids. They are now divorcing due to his long term affair with the OW.

But more importantly it’s not the cheating that was the issue. It’s the character traits she overlooked for too long that were red flags 🚩 all along. His cheating was just one example.

And his choice to cheat was just one of many selfish choices. He has no relationship with his kids (apparently never did). Because he chose the Affair at the expense of his children and family.

So if you take a step back - and look at the big picture - we (the BS) tell people who are NOT married and cheated on to run because we have the wisdom of experience to see how the future may be. And how often we are right unfortunately.

FWIW on paper my H was not reconciliation worthy. Two Affairs and ILYBNILWY and wanted a D during the last Affair. He has changed and did it on his own. The changes he made are 6 years in effect. I am one of the lucky ones. But just know HE decided to change. HE made the commitment to address things. Like I said I am one of the lucky ones.