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J707 (original poster member #63778) posted at 6:40 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2019
Acceptance.. My brother killed himself 21 years ago today. I was 17 and he was 18. He was my best friend, my brother, It wasn't a planned suicide but bad things happened and ended up killing him self, I'm not here to tell that story. Talking with my Dad he told me all our trauma that we have gone through has lead him to acceptance. We can't take away what has happened, we just find a way to live with it. The pain, the suffering, the guilt, the what ifs, maybe if I would haves, everything that is associated with traumatic events.
It struck a chord with me, acceptance! I had it before this infidelity bullshit. It is something you learn to live with, it fucking sucks yes, but you learn to live with it. Accept that something extremely shity happened to you, your family and friends and go on with your life! Never forget but move on, mourn the past. Both my mom and dad lost their son, I couldn't fathom. I lost a brother. I watch them go on and build their lives, weak moments yes but more strong and positive moments.
My stbxww A broke me down to nothing, it was worse for me (at the time) then when my brother put that bullet in his head. Not anymore.
Acceptance is very powerful and surreal! I have a much better understanding on my world now!
Marz ( member #60895) posted at 6:49 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2019
Sorry to hear you had to go through that.
Then you know that this D issue will pass and you have better days ahead of you.
Our lives for the most part are what we make them.
OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 6:50 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2019
I completely agree. And as somebody that spent my entire life trying to mold the world around me into what I wanted (being nicer to people who didn't like me to win them over, working later to get a boss's approval, talking and talking in my relationships to get them to "see" their poor behavior,stuffing my feelings to keep a peaceful life) I did not understand just how freeing acceptance would be.
So how did you get there? What allowed you to stop fighting against the pain and instead let the grief surround you? And lastly, how is acceptance the key, if that's what you would say?
[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:52 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]
me: BS/WS h: WS/BS
Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.
J707 (original poster member #63778) posted at 7:29 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2019
For me accepting the things that happened have happened. I still mourn what I once had, kind of. My stbxww A and me filing for D led me to grief and pain. Which always leads me back to my brother, my ultimate trauma. I've learned in IC that I never truly dealt with it, rugweeping in a way, working on that. My family for me has been my true blessing, we talk a lot, especially this time of year. I think in my case it is everything I've been through, dealing with my situation and internalizing it. I think a lot, journal a lot, talk a lot. I also hold a lot in. I'll say I give 2 shits what people think of me, I really don't. I push through and work on my self though music, open communication and just being real with people.
Brennan87 ( member #57850) posted at 12:49 PM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2019
I am sorry for the loss of your brother, regardless of the situation no one should ever have to experience a loss in that way. Your in my thoughts and prayers.
Kudos to you for getting the sense of acceptance back. That is such a key piece of the puzzle.
Its not what breaks us, but how we deal with it that is key. Acceptance is huge in infidelity. Keep doing you!
I too have gotten to a bit of acceptance this week, when my mind goes to "My WW did this in her affair, I'm able to look at my past and say "um, brennan you did the same thing in 1991".
deephurt ( member #48243) posted at 1:01 PM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2019
I’m sorry you have had to go through so much.
Yes acceptance, that is where I am. Really we have no choice if we want to move forward and for me that’s all I can do. I don’t forgive but I do accept that this happened.
I don’t find it freeing but it does allow me to stoop living in the past as much as I had been. Acceptance is also hard to get to after infidelity imho. It takes time. It takes processing.
me-BW
him-WH
so far successfully in R
cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 1:31 PM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2019
I had a discussion with my dad just yesterday about acceptance. He said he could not accept something that he had no control over. I said he really didn't have a choice. It happens. There's nothing he can do about it. He has to accept that. That doesn't mean he condones it.
Acceptance is the key to all my problems. I accept what was and what is. Then, I decide what to do about it.
Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:56 PM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2019
I'm very sorry for the loss of your brother.
If it means anything, I think posting on acceptance is a good way to honor him.
Again, I'm very sorry for your loss.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
northeasternarea ( member #43214) posted at 6:15 PM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2019
so sorry for the loss of your brother. Acceptance is a powerful thing.
[This message edited by northeasternarea at 8:26 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]
The only person you can change is yourself.
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