Gently, I think you're taking on the wrong responsibilities here.
You can't heal your H. You can support him while he's in pain, but he has to deal with his own pain, and you have to deal with yours. That's the only way we humans beings can be authentic.
I am convinced that the more effectively we process our feelings, the more effective we are in general. Believing that we can heal another takes energy away from processing our own feelings. Believing that we can heal another makes us less effective.
The more of your own pain that you process, the more effective you'll be at supporting your H.
*****
Even if you don't remember these things....
Think dissociation. It's real. Change4 may be describing exactly that - dissociation.
*****
He needs to know that we had sex on a certain night in question. He needs me to remember the details of the act. The last two days have been so dark for him because of my inability to remember.
Very gently, he can heal without answers. It may (or may not) be easier with answers, but they're not necessary.
If he can't get past not having some answers, that's on him - assuming you are in fact doing your best to remember. I'm not saying he can R without certain answers, but he can heal - and SI is about healing, not about D or R.
One of the skills we all need to develop is the skill to soothe ourselves. In the early days, it may seem like knowing the answers to our questions is what we need.
I suspect, however, that the Q & A basically gives us something to do while we gather our self-soothing resources.
The Q & A does other stuff, too. Every honest answer builds trust, ever so slowly. Every honest answer rebuild other bonds. Every dishonest answer does the opposite.
5 months ago I would have just told him what I knew he needed to know. I would have created details to practice his need to know. I would have told him what he wanted to hear. Can I still do that now?
I guess you can, but see above and below.
Healing requires honesty. R requires honesty. If you're not honest, you bring nothing of value to the table, for yourself or for your H or for your kids.
I don't think making things up will help you recover memories.
JMO, of course.
(signed) sisoon, who believes but doesn't understand his W when she says she dissociates
[This message edited by sisoon at 2:35 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]