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Destroyed my BH

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jb3199 posted 8/17/2019 06:10 AM

I went through anyone else I was speaking with at the time and remembered yet ANOTHER AP.

Now that you remember another AP, where does he fall in the timeline? For how long, and what extent did these activities last?

FreeAsABird posted 8/17/2019 08:07 AM

Can you definitively say your husband is the biological father of your children? Or maybe there needs to be DNA tests?

Zugzwang posted 8/17/2019 11:07 AM

I think you are going to have to look at every male you have ever been friends with or worked with. All of them. If I were your husband, I would want to talk to them all. I would have to take a step back and really focus on who you were when you were dating as opposed to who you wanted to be now. Your behaviors and who the person you claim you are just don't match up. Own the type of person you were when you two were dating.

TimSC posted 8/17/2019 13:26 PM

If I am reading correctly, you can't remember how many APs you had sex with and can't seem to remember how many times you betrayed your husband.

You had sex with AP 3 days after your first wedding anniversary and do not remember it? Your husband had to go talk to the AP to find the truth? You had plans with another AP to meet at a motel and forgot about that?

Can you even be sure the kids are his?

Absent some kind of physical trama, such as a head injury, I am having a difficult time accepting all this as true.

Zugzwang posted 8/18/2019 09:43 AM

Well, if you were a hot mess before and during the first year of you marriage. I can see how you might want to forget. I am talking a real hot mess. Drugs, drinking, partying, sleeping around... the whole I want to behave like whatever and have a man to keep me while I engage in my selfish lifestyle. I could believe it if you were talking like you jumped every man you saw for attention and validation. I have to wonder if you are being honest about who you were back then with your husband and us. Just how ugly it really was.

TimSC posted 8/18/2019 14:34 PM

I keep coming back to why the hell did you marry SD? You were having sex with another man before and during the engagement. You had sex with multiple APs during marriage.

Why did you say yes to SD in the first place? You certainly were not in love with him. It makes no sense.

TimSC posted 8/18/2019 14:35 PM

I keep coming back to why the hell did you marry SD? You were having sex with another man before and during the engagement. You had sex with multiple APs during marriage.

Why did you say yes to SD in the first place? You certainly were not in love with him. It makes no sense. Security? Available?

SorrowfulMoon posted 8/19/2019 20:25 PM

You had sex with multiple APs during marriage.

As I understand it, at this point in time, she had sex once after marriage with her main AP. This was discovered by SD

DoinBettr posted 8/20/2019 13:47 PM

Not kicking C4TB while she is down, but because you guys keep repeating things (Correct me if I am wrong):
-They were married less than 5 years ago
-They did not kiss or have sex prior to marriage and are part of a serious religious community that enforces this
-The AP is also part of the community as far as I can tell
-She had at least 1 pregnancy scare with AP while engaged - BH had to discover and catalyst for all of this
-She says she married him for the religious appeasement and did not love him until she got pregnant (she says he taught her how to love)
-She knows she screwed up and is finally starting to see how controlling and selfish she is in this marriage (Give her some breathing room on this)
-The not remembering thing is still questionable and even she is starting to question that
-She told her BH to go see the AP and clear things up (This was a step in the right direction)
-AP confirmed some more and a new AP came to light who no one has details on
-The first AP was married and still is. The OBS knows and is messing up AP's life

So, now to the real thing she needs right now. He is asking for a poly I think. (She mentioned this)

C4TB - What do you think will happen if you fail? Secondly, what are you doing to help your BH with the trust issues he is going to eventually come to? (You were and are still doing GNO, I have my opinion, but you know what you should do. Small sacrifice IMO.) I know you were talking about the bank being close to the restaurant and missing times to check in. How are you working on shoring those kinds of things up?
He is going to start to question anytime he didn't have eyes on you. Think about how much you are questioning your memory. He is going to question that by 1,000.
You have been resistant to do your own detective work on your activity. Do you think making that effort might help him? I think it might show him a change in your behavior to actively head off this trigger as well.
Like when you heard your BH heard about the after marriage part and you knew he needed space, so you took the kids and gave him it. (Great response) Kind of foresee his reaction and come up with a way to fix this. Also be worried, one of your friends might know about other extra-marital events. You might want to ask a few of the closest and disclose your issues with your memory. They might be able to help.
Just trying to help to prepare for the next round of nut punches coming to your BH.
Keep improving. It is all you can do now. He is going to get back into limbo. That is going to be rough on you again.
These pre-emptive moves might help.

HellFire posted 8/20/2019 14:00 PM

She passed the polygraph.

NotSureAboutIt posted 8/25/2019 19:31 PM

Sadly, I think it would be better for your husband if you let him go. Your inability to remember having sex or even who or how many APs you have had will always be on his mind. He will never know when you will have another revelation. You need to focus on your mental health and he needs to be allowed to heal.

Newlifeisgreat posted 8/31/2019 10:55 AM

I think that the poster above has it absolutely correct.

There is another wayward wife that cheated and nice everything came out she fought tooth and nail to keep her husband. Ultimately they got divorced, or as she puts it, “demoted to girlfriend”. They are still together as far as I know l, and she is fighting to be a safe partner for him.

Since your husband is trying so hard to find a way to figure out a way to heal, but these new revelations keep popping up, why don’t you make him an offer.... you get demoted from wife to girlfriend, you continue to stay together, you agree on a financial arrangement where you both put an agreed to amount of money into a checking account for monthly expenses and child expenses, you change name back to maiden name, he tries to heal, and you get the treatment you need to deal with memory/brain issues. All the while you continue to support him and prove that you can be a safe partner for him.

I wish you luck

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