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Destroyed my BH

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66charger posted 7/13/2019 10:11 AM

Your husband will figure it out.

[This message edited by 66charger at 10:01 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

66charger posted 7/13/2019 12:22 PM

I do not understand the point of posting on a anonymous forum if you are going to lie.

[This message edited by 66charger at 9:54 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

Change4thebetter posted 7/14/2019 11:43 AM

Thank you all for taking the time to post.

It takes a long time to rewire your brain. Many, many iterations of making a different choice than the first impulse. You have a lot of work ahead of you, but that works gets done one decision at a time.

Iíve stopped striving for perfection and Iíve stopped trying to control the outcome. I remind myself constantly that true change will take time and a lot of hard work. Iím not going to lie to myself, my BH or any of you and say that regardless that it was me and my despicable actions that created this situation and destroyed my BH the work is often intimidating. Iím not complaining about it and Iím not stopping it but I am not fooling myself.

HellFire posted 7/14/2019 12:18 PM

Charger, you shouldn't have deleted your post. Her husband has been so traumatized he may not be able to pick up on what you pointed out.

EvolvingSoul posted 7/14/2019 16:14 PM

Iíve stopped striving for perfection and Iíve stopped trying to control the outcome. I remind myself constantly that true change will take time and a lot of hard work. Iím not going to lie to myself, my BH or any of you and say that regardless that it was me and my despicable actions that created this situation and destroyed my BH the work is often intimidating. Iím not complaining about it and Iím not stopping it but I am not fooling myself.
This statement is sort of a phrase salad that feels very much like it's meant to deflect and stop the line of questioning about the bank.

So...did you lie about the bank?

In your first thread on this board about D-day #2, you said you had seen AP a few times at the bank where he worked. In this thread you said that you never saw him at the bank where he worked, did not associate the bank with him, and were barely aware of its existence.

I do not understand the point of posting on a anonymous forum if you are going to lie.
There is a point if you are posting for an audience of one.

Are we talking about two different banks or did you lie here in this thread? Or in the first one? This is where the rubber meets the road.

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 4:22 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]

Change4thebetter posted 7/14/2019 18:12 PM

So...did you lie about the bank?
In your first thread on this board about D-day #2, you said you had seen AP a few times at the bank where he worked. In this thread you said that you never saw him at the bank where he worked, did not associate the bank with him, and were barely aware of its existence.

He worked at one bank and was there after we got married - that was where I went in to see him before I met me husband and then after we met, while we were engaged and then 5 times during the first year we were married. The last time that I saw AP was October 2015. According to his LinkedIn account he started at a different bank in 2016. I never saw him at that bank and I have no accounts with that particular bank.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 7/14/2019 18:21 PM

Why are you checking his LinkedIn account?

DomesticTourist posted 7/14/2019 18:38 PM

Do the only merciful thing youíve done in a long time: separate from your husband. Everything you do reflects a complete inability to empathize with or comfort him. You are about you, your appearance, your feelings, and you are a terrible prospect for reconciliation, at least at this time. Give that man a break from your selfishness.

Change4thebetter posted 7/14/2019 19:48 PM

Why are you checking his LinkedIn account?

BH had checked it after dday. Thatís how we know this

MyAnimals posted 7/14/2019 21:41 PM

Iím sorry, really didnít want to get involved here, but I will anyway: you said you knew he worked at this bank.

So it doesnít matter wether you ďhavenít really associated this bank with him.Ē You knew.

And since this was obviously something that was investigated post dday via LinkedIn? You really, really, knew.

So you knew. And you went anyway.

Like since it was bank #2 itís now safe?

DomesticTourist posted 7/14/2019 22:12 PM

Is it just me or does change4thebetter have an innocent explanation for EVERYTHING that takes her off the hook and not so subtly makes her husband out for unreasonably hysterical?

Selfish, deceitful, manipulative, and cruel donít start to describe you adequately.

sensibletinch posted 7/15/2019 01:11 AM

C4TB, the number of unhelpful replies in this thread is far higher than usual. Remember the old SI saying about taking what's helpful to you and leaving the rest. Too many posters are projecting here.

I would suggest you discuss with your husband whether posting here is helping you. There is enough material on this site to still advance in your journey without the need of being berated every time you post.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 7/15/2019 08:39 AM

DomesticTourist, you have a pm.

Change4thebetter posted 7/15/2019 08:56 AM

Iíve been taking most comments from this site with a grain of salt. Yes, I could easily put the stop sign on but leaving responses open to BSís provides great insight and many have much wisdom and experience to share and I also understand that many responses need to be taken gently as they are often projecting their own anger or speaking of their own personal situation and not mine.

DomesticTourist- I appreciate the time that you took to read my thread but if you have nothing constructive to say or any value to offer then I would suggest you keep silent like our mothers teach us. If it pains you too much then donít read it at all. Your wife is also a selfish, deceitful, manipulative, and cruel bitch who ďfucked your best friend under your noseĒ but no one is attacking her for staying with you or you for staying with her. There is no reason to come on here and attack someone you donít know.

[This message edited by Change4thebetter at 9:02 AM, July 15th, 2019 (Monday)]

BeingNaive posted 7/15/2019 10:13 AM

While I don't agree with name-calling, I agree with some of the comments DomesticTourist has made.

I too see an inability to empathize with your BH and the way you try to provide an innocent explanation for things. I also see a lack of respect for your BH and this naivety that you use as an excuse.

See, I went though a period of time that I was selfish. Your gno is something I did years ago. Didn't tell hubby of plans until that night because I knew he wouldn't want me to go. Claimed that I was sure I had told him and so sorry I didn't. Was vague in plans in case he wouldn't approve. Would "forget" to call/text because I knew he'd ask when I was coming back.

You knew your BH may have not wanted you to go out, so you didn't tell him ahead of time. You knew your BH wouldn't want you to go to that restaurant, but you wanted to go so you left plans vague. You knew BH would expect you home after dinner, but you didn't want to go so you "forgot" to text that last hour. What did you do during that hour you were MIA? You knew he would worry, but you can't admit that, now can you?

Until you admit you were selfish in putting your wants first and admitting you knew your BH would be upset, you are not safe for him. You disrespect him and then try to act like you're dumb because "you didn't know". I see through your facade because I acted like you. I knew what I was doing, but at the time I'd swear I didn't.

You trigger me because I see right through you. I see me at a time I regret for being so selfish and taking advantage of my hubby. I'm SO glad I quickly got out of that phase. Unfortunately, I don't see any desire in you to change.

Hippo16 posted 7/15/2019 10:21 AM

Change4thebetter

You might take this as off topic but the idea came to me while following your thread today.

"Critical Thinking" - In some training courses I have suffered in getting through various work assignments the subject of Critical Thinking has surfaced many times.

So what is Critical Thinking?

When you know enough about what you're doing and have experience with what you are doing, you know, in a way, instinctively what to do.

Comment from me - when you have to stop and ask yourself what does my religion tell me to do? Or more generally "the Bible" - or what you have studied in philosophy, well you haven't learned enough critical thinking. When you have studied enough - the brain has (how it works, no idea) figured out what you should do and your conscience "hears" and acts.

I would hazard the majority of people get married or join in a relationship with more dreams than reality in mind as to what life will be. Some of us are more prepared than others by the experience of having been raised in a good family environment. Kindness and empathy everywhere without the behavior being taught other than experience.

Maybe they have the dream of Guinevere and Sir Lancelot?!

When going through life one often has to make choices on whether or not to say or do something.

If you are impulsive, you may blurt out words that are unkind. Knowing what to say to an event isn't something one can go to the library and find a book about. "We" have to learn on our own through many different avenues of learning. Or, you are not impulsive but just don't have the experience to have learned?

The bit of philosophy Grandma taught: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I think she had something there.

Part of speaking doing with/to others involves Critical Thinking!

Empathy: Knowing what not to say or how to not say something such that pain is inflicted or discomfort caused. That is not a "put the square peg in the square hole" type of activity. Some words said to one person could be taken much differently by another regarding the same matter.
Or totally disregarded!

This is something that goes along with being human - but - there are a lot of things we should have learned to not do or say in our past experience such that blurting out or even saying or doing on purpose words we KNOW will likely cause anxiety, worry, pain or discomfort or a deed that will be taken adversly. So unless there is some overwhelming need to do or say something, we zip our lip or don't do the deed. This many people have pointed out to you already.

So the "Critical Thinking" is the part of us we need to develop so that we subconsciously know not to do or say something.

Now that I have bored you to tears, what I think people are trying to tell you is to think about what you do and say. History doesn't have to repeat but the lesson leaned should be taken to heart. Rehearse the events and all you can remember on how you got to where you said or did what you now regret. Go over in your mind what you did wrong and where you made the wrong choice in how to proceed.

Take the time to think how everything you do and say and HOW you say words will affect your husband.

Ever learn to play a musical instrument? Well the first time you play a tune you take time to think through how to play each note (how to blow, pick, or press a key) and how hard (loud) to make the note, how long to play the note etc. After you have played the piece many times your brain will have memorized the piece and you can play without the music score! You will have achieved critical thinking for that piece of music! Some people have an amazing ability to do these things.

Most of us have to work at honing the skill.

The first part of learning to think is assessing your own abilities. How much do you know about how humans react to things and words? Then what is unique about how YOUR Husband reacts to those things and words? When you get to where you can relate and respond and not cause anxiety and worry you are on your way.

Life is hard work more often than we would like to have to admit - and some are lazy and don't do the work. Their success at relationships is their barometer of success.

Sometimes our "Critical Thinking" skill doesn't come through with how to respond to an event, and then our conscience Critical Thinking has to kick in. So we stop and measure our words and how to act. 'stop and measure' - and the most stressful part of this whole process is sometimes events don't allow for the time we need to respond the best way - so we respond "by instinct" hoping for the best response. If you are wrong, admit ASAP and apologize and beg forgiveness.

And add another lesson to your Critical Thinking skill!

Wishing you fair wind and a following sea -

DomesticTourist posted 7/15/2019 10:23 AM

Yes, you and my wife did terrible things. The difference is what sheís doing now vs what youíre doing now. My wife is making things better. Youíre not.

sisoon posted 7/15/2019 11:16 AM

Critical thinking is extremely important, and I have some questions about something your said - that being a passenger made it less likely to send a text message to your H.

Does that mean you'd have been more likely to send a text if you had been driving? With all the emphasis on distracted driving, why are you even thinking of texting while driving?

More questions:

What were you thinking when you put the phone into your handbag?

What were you feeling when you put the phone into your handbag?

What are you thinking when you text while driving?

What are you feeling when you text while driving?

Change4thebetter posted 7/15/2019 12:00 PM

There is a lot Iíd like to address but Iíll start with this:

Does that mean you'd have been more likely to send a text if you had been driving? With all the emphasis on distracted driving, why are you even thinking of texting while driving?

When I said that I didnít take my phone out because I wasnít driving it was not because I text or planned to text while driving.

I put my phone into my bag after we paid. Prior to that was when I should have texted my BH to update him. We sat talking for another twenty minutes or so and while sitting there I should have texted BH. We then left and walked into a supermarket next door for five minutes which in reality took closer to ten. Again, this was another opportunity I missed when I should have pulled out my phone to update BH. We left and got I got into my friends car. Had it been my car I would have pulled out my phone at this point to connect it to the charger and set it up. Instead I sat down and was holding what was on the passenger seat and put my purse down on the floor. I spoke to my friend during the 7 minute drive home and then we talked for almost 20 minutes outside in the car. It didnít feel like it would be a long conversation and the time flew away from me but again I should have updated my BH when we parked.

I saw all of the missed opportunities and when I walked in I apologized immediately. I apologized for breaking my word and making him worry. I was nervous to be texting him too much, he hadnít looked at or responded to most of the previous updates and I was thinking I would be home very shortly- these are not excuses for my actions- these were my thoughts and yes, I know that none of them make sense or matter and the bottom line is that I was being selfish and not thinking about my BH. I realized, admitted and apologized for that immediately.

I was well aware of my selfish and wayward behavior. BH didnít have to point it out and I didnít deny it or try to justify my actions. I came on here to say that at just over 5 months out I was still slipping up and struggling. Does this really surprise anyone ? I didnít come on here to say ďI donít understand why BH was upsetĒ but I did admit that I found myself surprised that my BH could really think that I would have met AP.

My BH and many of you set me straight and I know that I have to be a lot more cognizant about the timeline and that the A only just ended in BH׳s eyes. That I have to work on empathy. Empathy doesnít come overnight and we all know this. Everyone tells me this. I havenít come on here to show all of the ways I have been working on empathy, I came on to say that I am still struggling. That after all the work I have been doing, the events of this night show me how much more work is left to do. That is obvious to me, my BH and the many of you that came on to state as much.

I donít come back on here to offer innocent explanations to excuse my behavior but I do come back to offer clarifications as I know there is a lot that gets lost in translation and Iím trying to provide a clear picture so that responses arenít based on misconceptions or half stories. I come back to fill in the blanks when asked as I know Iím not good with details. I hope this helps some of you.

DomesticTourist- thatís easy for you to say. Also do you find it to honestly make sense to compare your WW 21 months out from dday to me? What was your WW doing 5 months out from dday? Was she slipping up? Was she still inadvertently hurting you? Was she perfect? Was she 100% empathetic and 0% selfish? How was that possible? Were you rugsweeping or ignoring it when she was still screwing up by you or were you admitting to mistakes and moving on? Was everything all better? Iím honestly trying to understand where you are coming from in your comparisons.

[This message edited by Change4thebetter at 12:27 PM, July 15th, 2019 (Monday)]

RubixCubed posted 7/15/2019 12:18 PM

Have you considered giving up the Girls nights out on your own as a way to alleviate some of your husband's stress? I know you both agreed to continue them but they obviously cause great stress. It would go along way towards making him feel more comfortable. Maybe you should go out only when he can go with you (I know that's not a GNO) until it doesn't bother him any longer. Unprompted actions on your part go A LOT farther than just following his "list".

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