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Destroyed my BH

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Change4thebetter posted 6/4/2019 08:33 AM

Iím writing this as a new post.

Iíve completely destroyed my BH. The pain and hurt that he lets me see tears me up inside. I want nothing more that to take it all away. I want to carry him through this. I know it was my selfishness, cruelty and lack of morals and consideration to the man I was to marry that makes him a shell of who he once was.

Everyone here has said that Iím lying. That there is no possible way for my memory to be this faulty. That I know the truth and all of it and Iím withholding it from my BH and pushing him to the brink with my lies.

Iíve never abused substances, I donít take medications. Iíve always thought that I had a great memory. I can remember so many dates and places and names and faces...but I never considered my episodic memory. Thatís where I know something is wrong. I do have a lot of memories but I also now know that I donít have anywhere nearly as much as I should have. I know there is so much missing and itís never bothered me until now.

In the beginning, I know I lied and said ďI donít rememberĒ to some facts that I was afraid of hurting my BH with. And now Iím the boy who cried wolf. Weíve gone though my entire google search history, pictures, texts with other people around the same time period in order to reconstruct what happened and jog my memory.

I wish that I could have done it on my own. I wish BH didnít need to poke and prod so deeply and that I had all the information to offer him. If there was any new information to just give him I would. I see what the lack of information is doing to him. I see what my aloofness to my memory gaps is doing to him. I see what having to search so hard for answers that I should have at my fingertips to give to him is doing to him.

Iím trying as hard as I can to be safe for him. Iím curbing my impulse to revert to my former instinctive defense mechanisms when I feel threatened or cornered. Iím working with him to answer every question he has. Iíve been working on my written timeline with him and even though heís far from satisfied, with his help and pushing its now almost 20 pages. Iím accountable for all of my actions and whereabouts. I stay by his side and am present for him. I provide any and all information that I am able to. He has all of the password and access to every single one of my accounts. Iím struggling with taking initiative in the process. Iím struggling to be proactive. Iím struggling to do and say the right things that wonít make this worse for him.

Everyday I have hope. The hope isnít to save my M. The hope is to save my BH.

HellFire posted 6/4/2019 08:51 AM

I'm going to suggest a polygraph again. I know your husband said he thinks you will pass, even if you are lying. Managing to convince your husband, is one thing. A polygraph is another. It might help.

But his pain goes beyond the lies.

You say you want to take his pain away. But, you keep adding to it. You continue to disrespect him. Look,I get that it takes awhile for a WS to pull their head out of their ass, and mistakes will be made. I'm referring to your choice to disrespect him...locking him out of the house because he wanted you to NC someone who knew about the affair and encouraged it...calling him controlling and abusive for wanting you to NC that friend..hanging up on him when he calls because he is drowning in pain...telling him not to ask you questions because it may trigger a wayward response...and then there was the additional emotional abuse, telling him you may take pills and kill yourself, while he watched from outside the locked house. Etc, etc.

All of these things are within your control. They have nothing to do with faulty memory.

Why do you continue to choose to disrespect and hurt him?

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:52 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

Chaos posted 6/4/2019 09:21 AM

OK - here are my ramblings reading through all of this.

You did lie and TT so very much he now believes nothing. Any "I don't know" has become synonymous with "I know but refuse to tell you because [insert lame a** excuse here]"

He needs to search to have all the truth. He will not rest or begin to heal until he has it. You have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with him.

There are times that someone can black out a trauma for many reasons - not all alcohol/drug induced. It can be a defense mechanism. Unfortunately it is overused so much it is rarely credible.

A poly will show you are telling the truth as you believe it to be. If you have blacked out a memory [for any reason] it will pass the poly but not make that issue at question a reality.

Have you considered some type of hypnosis - perhaps to engage your subconscious mind? That may do a few things: get the absolute truth, and allow you each to process it separately and then ultimately together.

You have quite the conundrum. He can't heal until he has the entire truth [every crumb of a detail] - he won't stop searching for it and you have blacked it out [for whatever reason].

You are at a standoff of sorts. Whatever the whole truth is - you both need to know it.

Change4thebetter posted 6/4/2019 09:43 AM

I'm going to suggest a polygraph again. I know your husband said he thinks you will pass, even if you are lying. Managing to convince your husband, is one thing. A polygraph is another. It might help.

I would happily do a polygraph.

But his pain goes beyond the lies.

I know this. There is nothing that I am lying about. There is nothing to my knowledge that I know that I am withholding from him. There is nothing I am being untruthful about. However, my inability to remember many crucial fact and details is causing him tremendous pain right now.

You say you want to take his pain away. But, you keep adding to it. You continue to disrespect him. Look,I get that it takes awhile for a WS to pull their head out of their ass, and mistakes will be made. I'm referring to your choice to disrespect him...locking him out of the house because he wanted you to NC someone who knew about the affair and encouraged it...calling him controlling and abusive for wanting you to NC that friend..hanging up on him when he calls because he is drowning in pain...telling him not to ask you questions because it may trigger a wayward response...and then there was the additional emotional abuse, telling him you may take pills and kill yourself, while he watched from outside the locked house. Etc, etc.

There is no question that the night you are referencing was a terrible night for both of us. BH flooded and went into a rage after I got off the phone with my friend and he overheard her say something that I had forgotten about and hadnít told him. His reaction was understandable and I held myself back for a long time before I began to lash out as well. When he said he was leaving the house with my phone it wasnít because I was afraid he would look through it- since dday I have never hid my phone or anything on it from him ever- but I freaked out that he would leave me home alone without a phone. I didnít want him to leave so I blocked the front door. He said no problem he will just go out from the porch down the fire escape. I never looked at his feet or noticed that he wasnít wearing shoes. Once he left the house I was so mad and I reacted terribly by locking him out of the house. I didnít tell him that I would take pills or try to kill myself but I did regretfully put on a show and tried to upset him further because I was reacting in my old abusive ways. I never- not once- called him controlling or abusive. It was my friend who said that and I only tried to explain his behaviors instead of vehemently defending him and I wasnít able to take control of the conversation to tell her off the way BH needed me to. Iím not going to lie here and say that I immediately understood why BH needed for me to go NC with her. Iím not going to lie and say I didnít try to fight it. Was it right to ask BH not to ask questions bc I couldnít control my responses? No. But this incident, as Bad as it was and as terribly as I acted towards him is an isolated incident where I disrespected BH and I fucked up again. Instead of having a repeat of this last night, I learned my lesson and I held back. I understood the place of pain he was coming from and I didnít make it about myself. I didnít hang up on him but I had to go back to work at the moment when he needed me and had to wait a few minutes to call him back until I finished with a patient.

I respect my BH and all that he is going through. Anything that I do that hurts him is either out of my control at the moment or a work in progress. I am in IC. I am not denying or trying to run away from my own problems that cause more pain to BH. I am running the marathon. 5 months out from dday where else do you expect me to be?

66charger posted 6/4/2019 09:56 AM

You stated this last meeting was 2 weeks after your pregnancy scare, which means you were not using condoms. Apparently he was not in the habit of caring them.

What did you buy at the Wal-Mart on the way to see your AP?

xhz700 posted 6/4/2019 09:58 AM

I said this on your BHs thread at one point, and I will say it to you also.

Even if you don't remember these things, which I have a hard time believing, the fact that you engaged in this and forgot about it indicates a baffling level of casualness about your personal conduct.

I am not sure what to say that will help you. If you are willing to do a polygraph, schedule one yourself. You have forced your BH to carry you through this process, maybe it's your turn to do some carrying.

Change4thebetter posted 6/4/2019 10:22 AM

You did lie and TT so very much he now believes nothing. Any "I don't know" has become synonymous with "I know but refuse to tell you because [insert lame a** excuse here]"

The first month was the worst in that regard. He says he believes that Iím not withholding anything that I am aware of but heís concerned about my memory gaps and that finding out he truth is more important to him than it is to me.

He needs to search to have all the truth. He will not rest or begin to heal until he has it. You have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with him.

Iím really hoping IC can help with this. Iím willing to polygraph and we discussed hypnotism but until I really do IC he feels like they are a waste of money.

There are times that someone can black out a trauma for many reasons - not all alcohol/drug induced. It can be a defense mechanism. Unfortunately it is overused so much it is rarely credible.

I have so very few memories of my childhood. I do have some and I believe I had a happy childhood. The one thing that does bother me and I had mentioned this long before dday is that I donít have a single memory of my grandmother. She watched me every single day of my life until she died when I was 6 years old and I donít have a single memory of her.

You are at a standoff of sorts. Whatever the whole truth is - you both need to know it.

I have been trying desperately to remember. He needs to know that we had sex on a certain night in question. He needs me to remember the details of the act. The last two days have been so dark for him because of my inability to remember. 5 months ago I would have just told him what I knew he needed to know. I would have created details to practice his need to know. I would have told him what he wanted to hear. Can I still do that now? Technically. Do I know better? Yes. Because in many of the previous instances the actual memories did come back and I need to work to bring these back as well.

What did you buy at the Wal-Mart on the way to see your AP?

The trip to Walmart was after meeting with AP. The AP didnít use condoms and it looks like only two weeks after that pregnancy scare I went and had unprotected sex with AP again bc we found a large purchase at a CVS 2 days later as well as a google search almost a week later looking to see if EC can cause period to come early.

Even if you don't remember these things, which I have a hard time believing, the fact that you engaged in this and forgot about it indicates a baffling level of casualness about your personal conduct.

To me this has been the most troubling and shocking revelation . More than my frustration over not remembering. How the hell could O do something like this???? The way that Iíve been able to see it is I had this ongoing secret life with AP. It was more than a secret A. It was a totally separate and hidden life. I never once connected it to my day to day life. It was like at the point in my life I had two browsers open. I would live my life and spend more and more time in the browser of my real life as I learned to love and be with my Bh I visited APís browser less and less frequently until I finally closed it. They were parallel and until dday never affected one another. Itís a shitty analogy but itís the only way I could describe how I lived my life. My true life, my real self and all the dreams and ambitions that I had to be a wife and mother were with my BH. It took me too long to shut AP down and remove him from my life entirely.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 6/4/2019 10:52 AM

Iím struggling with taking initiative in the process. Iím struggling to be proactive. Iím struggling to do and say the right things that wonít make this worse for him.

What is at the root of your hesitation? Why canít you be proactive or take initiative?

Usually what stops us is fear, but what are you afraid of? At this point you have nothing to lose. If you really want this, you have to get past the fear and put yourself out there without any expectations. He may reject your efforts, but if you continue to throw as much as you can out there, eventually something will stick.

The inability to be proactive will only result in an unfavorable outcome. I can feel your desire to make this work. Now put everything you have into it.

HellFire posted 6/4/2019 11:00 AM

It was not just one night that I was referencing. You hung up on him in the last few days.

The man has been shattered. He just had another dday very,very recently. Add in the abuse of TT. Add in your less than remorseful actions since dday. Add in the abuse of the night you locked him out of his home. On top of this shitstorm, he started a new job. At this point after dday,many BS have extreme difficulty just getting out of bed. So he calls you, scared, upset, seeking reassurances(extremely normal for a BS), and you said basically one of you needed to keep a job(which caused further emasculation), and you hung up on him. It was cruel. It was disrespectful. You had an opportunity to show empathy. Instead, you caused further damage.

These are the kinds of things I was talking about in my first post.

Since you will happily take a polygraph, then schedule it. Take it.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:01 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

66charger posted 6/4/2019 11:27 AM

irrelevant post - withdrawn.

Edit I think 99% BS will say with 100% certainty that your busband is NOT going to leave you regardless of the affairs.

It is understood that you did not love your husband until a few years into the marriage. It is understood that you did some things you now regret. Selective amnesia due to fear of loss is unnecessary. He wont leave you. He has defied all advice to do so. He loves you way more than you love him.

Stop this now and schedule the polygraph. Focus on what happened in the marriage. If your marriage is clean, ask for forgiveness for your priors, recite your Birkat Hagomel and start your 2nd life with a clear shot at reconcilliation.

If you truly love him, this is the least you could do.


[This message edited by 66charger at 12:54 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 6/4/2019 11:43 AM

Please make sure that information you are discussing here is not coming from her BHís thread. All references must be from Change4thebetterís threads.

Change4thebetter posted 6/4/2019 14:06 PM

What is at the root of your hesitation? Why canít you be proactive or take initiative?

This is something I am working in IC to figure out. My lack of initiative is from intense fear. I donít know the cause of it. Why am I SO afraid of hurt that I wonít take a chance? Why wonít I put myself out there and make myself vulnerable? Why do I fear rejection and loss so much? I donít know what happened in my life to be more than the normal amount of afraid.

Being proactive and taking initiative has been something that Iíve been working on. A few months ago I would have said I was incapable of it. Today I say that I struggle with it. I may always struggle with it but today I at least put in the effort and try.

It was not just one night that I was referencing. You hung up on him in the last few days.

Youíre right and I called BH to apologize. I didnít see how terrible it was to do to him in the moment. I wrongly went back into wayward mode and put myself and my job first.

2 days ago you wrote that you did not have sex with the AP after the pregnancy scare. (post June 2 DDay#3) Today you are saying that you had unprotected sex 2 weeks after the pregnancy scare and went to CVS to make a large purchase. Was that another plan B? Was the horror movie a false memory or was there a 3rd visit?

2 months ago I swore up and down that there was NO PA AT ALL from the time I met BH. Was that wishful thinking? I can look back and know in my gut I wasnít feeling right about that information. Selective or dissociative amnesia- whether there was some sort of trauma in my childhood that I just canít remember or whether it was the trauma and extreme stress of the time I was dating my husband and doing what I was doing. Why couldnít I stop myself? Did I know better? Certainly. Did I think about my BH and our future? Not at all.

I think being where I am in my life now and having this all come to light- opening up all of these locked memories and to many of you it is understandable why it was so buried and forgotten was traumatizing for me as well. Whatís been the hardest to explain is that dday 2 and on- finding out about a PA after we were dating and engaged- this has been like dday to myself as well.

Can you imagine waking up and finding out you did this but not having a memory of it? To come to terms with actions that you know you did but canít remember? Is it a disorder? Is it bullshit? Is it messing with my BH bc I still donít give a shit about him? Iíve heard it all and I can tell you it is NOT the last two but I wonít diagnose myself either.

It is understood that you did not love your husband until a few years into the marriage. It is understood that you did some things you now regret. Selective amnesia due to fear of loss is unnecessary. He wont leave you. He has defied all advice to do so. He loves you way more than you love him.

I know he used to love me way more than I loved him. Now I feel like the tables may have turned. Whether one is more than the other, there is no question that I truly love my BH for who he is and for much more than just being the father of our children or someone I can control and manipulate because I donít want to and he wonít let me.

sisoon posted 6/4/2019 14:34 PM

Gently, I think you're taking on the wrong responsibilities here.

You can't heal your H. You can support him while he's in pain, but he has to deal with his own pain, and you have to deal with yours. That's the only way we humans beings can be authentic.

I am convinced that the more effectively we process our feelings, the more effective we are in general. Believing that we can heal another takes energy away from processing our own feelings. Believing that we can heal another makes us less effective.

The more of your own pain that you process, the more effective you'll be at supporting your H.

*****

Even if you don't remember these things....
Think dissociation. It's real. Change4 may be describing exactly that - dissociation.

*****

He needs to know that we had sex on a certain night in question. He needs me to remember the details of the act. The last two days have been so dark for him because of my inability to remember.
Very gently, he can heal without answers. It may (or may not) be easier with answers, but they're not necessary.

If he can't get past not having some answers, that's on him - assuming you are in fact doing your best to remember. I'm not saying he can R without certain answers, but he can heal - and SI is about healing, not about D or R.

One of the skills we all need to develop is the skill to soothe ourselves. In the early days, it may seem like knowing the answers to our questions is what we need.

I suspect, however, that the Q & A basically gives us something to do while we gather our self-soothing resources.

The Q & A does other stuff, too. Every honest answer builds trust, ever so slowly. Every honest answer rebuild other bonds. Every dishonest answer does the opposite.

5 months ago I would have just told him what I knew he needed to know. I would have created details to practice his need to know. I would have told him what he wanted to hear. Can I still do that now?
I guess you can, but see above and below.

Healing requires honesty. R requires honesty. If you're not honest, you bring nothing of value to the table, for yourself or for your H or for your kids.

I don't think making things up will help you recover memories.

JMO, of course.

(signed) sisoon, who believes but doesn't understand his W when she says she dissociates

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:35 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 6/4/2019 14:43 PM

I can look back and know in my gut I wasnít feeling right about that information.
In my first ever response to you, I told you that there is a difference between the things you genuinely can't remember and the things that you know are there, but you just can't bear to look at them. I told you that you were at the moment that you had to turn and look, or you would destroy your BH. You're now saying Oh, hey! Now I can look back and know in my gut that I wasn't being entirely honest. And the title of your thread is "Destroyed My BH."

You have this poor man believing that you don't know you're lying, but you do. You know it. You just refuse to look.

Is it bullshit? Is it messing with my BH bc I still donít give a shit about him? Iíve heard it all and I can tell you it is NOT the last two
I've lived it all, and based on that toxic, toxic thing you just said about knowing it in your gut and still lying anyway: Yes it is.

Zugzwang posted 6/4/2019 14:56 PM

The way that Iíve been able to see it is I had this ongoing secret life with AP. It was more than a secret A. It was a totally separate and hidden life. I never once connected it to my day to day life. It was like at the point in my life I had two browsers open. I would live my life and spend more and more time in the browser of my real life as I learned to love and be with my Bh I visited APís browser less and less frequently until I finally closed it. They were parallel and until dday never affected one another.

The way you have been able to see it? What does that mean? That you really are dissociative with it? That isn't going to help in owning it. You make it out like you had no idea or are trying to blame shift it onto someone Pod person. I find that hard to believe. Or are you so overcome by shame that you are continuing to lie to yourself. If it is true DIS, then go see a Dr. and find out.

They were parallel and until dday never affected one another.
Don't fool yourself again. You are here. It affected you and your spouse the whole time. It destroyed the intimacy in your relationship. It destroyed your integrity. It destroyed you. Now, because of how it affected you = affected your life while you were living it...it made you into a distrustful liar that entire time. You. Not a pod person you can't remember. You.

Change4thebetter posted 6/4/2019 15:30 PM

You can't heal your H. You can support him while he's in pain, but he has to deal with his own pain, and you have to deal with yours. That's the only way we humans beings can be authentic.

Iím coming to terms that I canít heal my BH. I guess what Iím trying to say is that Iím doing all that I can to not hinder his healing process by backsliding and hurting him further.

If he can't get past not having some answers, that's on him - assuming you are in fact doing your best to remember. I'm not saying he can R without certain answers, but he can heal - and SI is about healing, not about D or R.

I know this. He knows this. But right now if he says that he needs answers I know that I need to do everything I can to find them and give them to him ASAP. I need to do this not only for him, but for myself as well.

I've lived it all, and based on that toxic, toxic thing you just said about knowing it in your gut and still lying anyway: Yes it is.

My BH taught me to listen to my gut. At the time of dday I didnít know how to. I didnít know that the queasy and uneasy feelings meant something. Itís hard to explain but until very recently I didnít know how to listen to my gut.

Don't fool yourself again. You are here. It affected you and your spouse the whole time. It destroyed the intimacy in your relationship. It destroyed your integrity. It destroyed you. Now, because of how it affected you affected your life while you were living it...it made you into a distrustful liar that entire time. You. Not a pod person you can't remember. You.

I know that it was me. Iím coming to terms with this. It isnít easy.

Jorge posted 6/4/2019 15:32 PM

I know he used to love me way more than I loved him. Now I feel like the tables may have turned.

Baffled how you can conclude this considering he's still with you, at times defending you, and defying 90% of posters by being steadfast in your corner while encountering 3 d-day's and counting. From my perspective, he's still out front by a significant margin.

beenthereinco posted 6/4/2019 16:06 PM

I know he used to love me way more than I loved him. Now I feel like the tables may have turned.

This is an interesting statement. Is this really important to you? Does it bother you? Does this have an effect on your self-esteem? Do you need to feel a kind of upper hand in a relationship?

I think digging in here might be good for you.

Change4thebetter posted 6/4/2019 19:20 PM

Baffled how you can conclude this considering he's still with you, at times defending you, and defying 90% of posters by being steadfast in your corner while encountering 3 d-day's and counting. From my perspective, he's still out front by a significant margin.

This is an interesting statement. Is this really important to you? Does it bother you? Does this have an effect on your self-esteem? Do you need to feel a kind of upper hand in a relationship?
I think digging in here might be good for you.

Jorge youíre right. 100% right. All I know is that I love him more than I ever have and I feel like I always fall short when it comes to showing him. I try and I know he knows it and he is still here...I just wish I could show him the full extent of how much I love him without getting scared sometimes.

Beenthereinco Iím thinking about what you said about the need to feel a kind of upper hand and I believe thatís always been an issue for me. It goes hand in hand with my fear of being hurt and vulnerable. I believe thatís why I felt safe enough to marry my BH because I felt loved and I knew he wouldnít hurt me. That saddest part about that statement is that my actions were hurting him.

HoldingTogether posted 6/4/2019 20:13 PM

I think sometimes people get so lost in the trees they canít see the forest all around them.

In all the talk about wether you are lying, or avoiding, or compartmentalizing or just simply are truly unable to remember these things... One simple fact remains true throughout.

You are currently not a safe partner for your BS.

Lying=Unsafe partner for anyone.

Unable to remember crucial major details of your life= Unsafe partner for anyone.

It simply doesnít matter if you are lying... or avoiding... or compartmentalizing... or an amnesiac. If you cannot find a way to rectify this situation. And quickly. You are not a safe partner for anyone to be with. Full stop.

I think you are so wrapped up in convincing everyone that you arenít lying that you may have missed that fact. I really am sorry that you have placed yourself into this kind of situation and I truly do hope you can find your way out of it before itís too late to salvage anything at all.

HT


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