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Where do I go from here? How do I fix this? Why am I not enough?

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Oldwounds posted 5/28/2019 11:30 AM

I feel like a terrible person honestly.

All that you have done wrong is love someone willing to lie, ignore and hurt you. You were in a competition that you had no idea you were in - same with the AP's wife. She had no idea she was in a battle for time and attention with someone else.

Exposing a 'secret' relationship is simply shining a light on two people hiding in the dark, choosing their selfishness above everyone else.

Real relationships exist in the light of day, in front of the world, proud to be together instead. This was a sordid escape and you burst the fantasy bubble.

No need to be ashamed of anything.

If she walks away from you because the TRUTH is in the light of day, it means your healing starts sooner.

nutmegkitty posted 5/28/2019 11:33 AM

You did GREAT by outing them to OBS. She deserves to know the truth about her cheating spouse.

All of the things you listed would not be consequences of YOUR actions, but HER shitty CHOICES.

Be prepared for her to be angry and start telling you things like she hasn't been happy for a long time, you weren't there for her, she was lonely, blah blah blah. It's all BS.

Please read in the Healing Library (yellow box, top left of page) on how to implement the 180.

Remember, YOU have done nothing wrong here. Not one thing.

Candyman66 posted 5/28/2019 15:12 PM

Now you need to have your lawyer file a sexual harassment lawsuit against her boss AND the company they work for. If he is a sole proprietor than both his and his wife's livelihood is at stake and I'm sure he will drop your wife like a hot potato!!!

Your wife will most likely not be fired because then you can file a wrongful discharge lawsuit also!! HIT HIM in his POCKETBOOK!!! It will make sure he will think twice about ever doing it again. It will also ensure that his wife will be all over his ass.

JMO YMMV

LateNght posted 5/28/2019 18:19 PM

UPDATE:

So remember I sent l him a message first.

I think I sent it Sunday night.

Then early this morning I messaged his wife.

SO left for work and I messaged her father around 8am.

Around 10am SO best friend starts blowing up my phone calling me a psycho for texting SO father and asking why I'd do this just to hurt SO and that SO cheated bc I wasn't putting in effort and it was wearing SO down.

Then at NOON OM messages me saying its taken care of and shows me a screen shot where he broke it off with my SO. I said for all I know there in a hotel right now and I don't believe it. He goes on and on about he doesn't want to get in the way and I just keep saying how I don't believe a word of it without trying to give it away that I've already told OBS.

I guess OBS hasn't checked her email yet bc everything has been relatively calm today.

My fear atm is I'm going to get blamed by her dad as being vengeful and wanting her to lose her job bc I told OBS. I wanted to tell him in the message that btw I don't want SO to lose her job but OBS deserves to know and that's why I told her. I left that out though because I knew he would contact SO and I didn't want SO to know about OBS message and tell OM so he could intercept.

He may have already intercepted. I don't know.


It's possible OBS didn't go to work today. Gonna give it one more day then go up to her work to confirm she knows.

SO hasn't talked to me all day despite "trying to fix this"....

So either OM really did break it off and she's laying around quietly because she's depressed or they're in on it together trying to keep me just satisfied enough not to tell OBS, but she can't even be bothered to speak me.

I just don't want her dad to blame me for losing her job if she does. I know that's how SO is gonna spin it, that I'm evil and want revenge and i don't care if she has a 7 year old to feed/clothe/etc. I just don't want him to think that bc its not true.


Can I get a lawyer and file a sexual harrasement case if I'm not married to her and she's just a long term girlfriend?? She would be 100% against it I'm sure.

Lp0725 posted 5/28/2019 18:53 PM

Please don't blame yourself for ANY of this. She brought all of this on herself. If she was so worried about her 7 year old being provided for, then maybe she shouldn't have been banging her married boss. I don't think you should do anything except walk away and never look back. You two aren't married and you don't have children together. It's really unfortunate that her child will be collateral damage in all of this, but unfortunately this is the decision she's made. I know you're very attached to the child, but unfortunately there's not much you can do unless she allowed you to continue contact with him. You are far too good for her. She has no integrity, no loyalty, no respect, no character. You are so so young and you deserve a woman who will truly love you back. Her and her boss are disgusting people. Tell him he can have her. Have you read up on the 180? I really think you need to start detaching yourself from her. Your only obligation at this point is to make sure OBS knows what a piece of shit she's married to.

[This message edited by Lp0725 at 6:54 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

ChamomileTea posted 5/28/2019 19:07 PM

It would be unwise for her boss to fire her. That's the very sort of thing which can invite a sexual harassment lawsuit.

I wouldn't worry about whether or not she files a sexual harassment suit or even whether or not she keeps her job. There's an old saying which goes... "don't shit where you eat". Both she and the AP ignored that sage advice and now they're going to have to deal with the fallout. Not your problem. You didn't do anything wrong. And as far as her father goes, I would be surprised if his paternal outrage were directed at you, who simply told the truth, as opposed toward his erstwhile "friend", who fucked his daughter.

LateNght posted 5/28/2019 19:46 PM

So she finally decided to talk to me today and she demanded I delete her dad's number and told me that AP called her to break it off so he could focus on marriage. Then told me that I wasn't communicating with her and coming up with pre conceived notions that's she's not trying when she has "stated over and over" that she is trying and she does want to fix this... but "she needs time to get her head right before she can choose me and put the effort in".

I think we all know I'm not her choice.

I wasn't her choice. I won't be her choice. If I was she would be choosing me now.

Still hurts like hell but I do feel better than yesterday.

I guess OBS still hasn't seen message. Will give it a day.

sewardak posted 5/28/2019 21:04 PM

How is she ďtryingĒ but received a text from OM breaking it off? That would be a dealbreaker in my book.
Eff anyone who blames you. Block best friends number.
Make sure his wife knows.
See a lawyer and make sure WS knows

OrdinaryDude posted 5/28/2019 21:24 PM

So what did you tell her in response?

pureheartkit posted 5/28/2019 21:45 PM

You're a good hearted person. None of this is fun. I know you love that child. My heart is breaking for you.

Having hung out here for a bit, I've seen this same situation very ma y times now. You are taking the best action believe me. You would think one could say, dear partner, you're hurting me, please stop and they would say OMG! What have I done?! I'm so sorry!

That's not what happens when people are caught up in fantasy fog and addiction brain chemistry. They lie and tantrum a d say weird hurtful things. It withdrawal and shame and fear and loss of their source of a high. You have to stand strong.

You want a partner grounded in respect and the truth. Exposures a good place to start. Telling the truth is nothing to ever be ashamed of. It shows you have decency and the will to stand for what's fair and right. Yes it hurts her. That will pass. She won't suffer her whole life over this. Did she really think that user was going to give her a beautiful life? She's got to wake up. There are a zillion users like that out there waiting for some free sex and attention. She's going to see it in time, not tomorrow.

Now she's got the choice before her. If everyone's got their eyes on them, no sneaking back to continue the A. So you did a great thing there. I hope this is her wake up/ grow up alarm. That little kid needs a clear thinking mom. She can't be a good partner for anyone until she learns from this.

Jobs come and go. Her dad won't let his grandkid starve. Better she changes jobs and leaves this mess behind.

I'm proud of you, you're doing great. Show strength, show you won't tolerate lies, don't be mean, just insist on what's right. And may I add, don't be hurt by what she might say right now. She won't think clearly for a bit. It's like an alien is in their skin. Read in our healing library and give yourself some self care. Don't let her talk you into anything your gut tells you that's not right.

lostandbroken123 posted 5/28/2019 22:00 PM

Hey,

Your thoughts and feelings are valid. Sorry does not cut it. I have no words that will make you feel better. Please go see an IC and start to unravel these issues. You are not alone. Chances are earned and like my WS, she doesn't seem to want to try.

Good luck

fareast posted 5/28/2019 22:43 PM

LateNght:

You have done very well. Do not delete her Dadís number. He may want to talk to you or you to him. You now realize tha5 all of her rationalizations and accusations are just manipulative gaslighting bullshit. Good for you. I know it hurts but it will get better. Always value yourself. Stay on top of the OBS notification. Keep up the good work.

changeneeded posted 5/28/2019 22:52 PM

I know that we are hours past your " I feel terrible" comment, but I need to respond.

Of course you feel terrible. People like Betrayed Spouses, who second guess what we should do....it's the fricken reason we are in this spot. The Waywards, they know, they can do whatever the hell they want, and the Betrayed will be right there, kissing ass and sucking toes. They know the risk is nill.

I strongly encourage you to get individual counseling for yourself. Again for YOU. Not because of anything you've done ,but because people like us, who watch the loves in our life EFF us over. It has taken me over four years to do so, after being told by my friends here that my cheating ass H is a serial cheater. I've FINALLY taken the advice, and friend, the empowerment that I am finally feeling is insane.

The IC is for ME. Not for us( H and I ) NOT to prove,\-- to finally prove, I am right, but to empower me.

If you hear/listen/read digest anything, please, go find your self a counselor who will listen to you. You will find your true self, be it again or finally, you will find YOU.

Take care, don't leave this group, these people honestly care and truly want the best FOR YOU.

[This message edited by changeneeded at 10:58 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

nutmegkitty posted 5/29/2019 11:56 AM

AP called her to break it off so he could focus on marriage.

99% chance this is a lie.

she needs time to get her head right before she can choose me and put the effort in

Nope.

Keep strong. 180. And please do NOT have sex with her, even if she begs. You cannot risk her getting pregnant.

Booyah posted 5/29/2019 14:57 PM

More than likely OBS isn't going to see your email now that OM has been tipped off. If she does (as has been pointed out already) he'll make you out to be some crazy psycho.

You said you had copies of texts etc. Make copies of these and physically get these to OBS so you KNOW she sees the evidence.

Also get the evidence to the OM partner in the business. I'm sure he'd like to know what his partner has been doing (putting the company at financial risk with a sexual harassment lawsuit as well as the things he's saying about him personally).

This OM had no problem BLOWING up your world despite having a wife and kids of his own. It's NOT revenge it's doing the right and moral thing.

As for this woman in your life she has NO DAMN RIGHT to demand anything from you right now or in the future. Keep her fathers # in your phone. Do NOT erase it!!

[This message edited by Booyah at 2:58 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

LateNght posted 5/29/2019 18:37 PM

Today was awful.


Everything blew up.


OBS called me and asked for proof. I don't have physical proof bc I haven't gotten the phone open yet but I had screen shots of conversations with SO and OM after I found out and they wernt denying and that was enough for OM to confess to OBS.

OM is still denying to her father. Early on in the day it felt like OBS was gonna leave OM but I don't think that's going to happen and that's ok whatever they do in their marriage is up to them but I feel like I was definitely made out to be a crazy jealous psycho bf that made a bunch of shit up.

My SO recently called to say "fuck you. I hate you. I don't know why you made all this up good luck finding another girl that will put up with your shit. I wanted you I just needed space I didn't choose him I told you the truth but fuck you I'm done with you you destroyed my life like the shitty person you are and you destroyed a 7 year olds life I hope you feel better."


Not gonna lie. It Hurt. Feel like I'm dieing inside but somehow I'm not shedding any tears I'm holding it together. She also said shes gonna have me arrested if I don't return the phone. Whatever is on that phone she really doesn't want to come out. As bad as today was I think the real truth is on the phone. I feel like the only way to really clear my name and show I'm telling the truth is to get in the phone and I don't know how I'm ever going to get into it though.

fareast posted 5/29/2019 19:32 PM

LateNght:

I am sorry you see today as awful. Trust me when I say that someday you are going to look back at this day as the start of a better life. You have dodged a major bullet with your cheating gf. She was using you and manipulating you.

You have done very well. Never question telling the truth. She is lashing out because finally there are consequences for her cheating. No more rich boss fantasy sex. No more bf. No more respect from her Dad. She destroyed her world by her own actions.

Stand up for yourself. Never apologize for doing the right thing. You will move on. Hopefully you can learn from this and have a better picker for a SO next time. Always value yourself. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:34 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

HoldingTogether posted 5/29/2019 19:37 PM

LateNght,

The only way this wasnít going to get ugly was if you had told them to just go ahead and have their affair and you would look the other way while she made up her mind. That would have been just peachy for them but disastrous for you. Up until now the only person facing any consequences for their affair has been you. That doesnít seem exactly fair or right does it?

Now though, your GF and OM are facing consequences. Of fucking course they are pissed about that. Now, they should be blaming themselves. But thatís not really any fun for them at all is it? Much easier to try and blame you. Not surprising at all. Stereotypically, depressingly, predictably human of them.

Give it some time. Sit back, practice the 180, wait for the dust to settle and see what happens when reality finally starts to set in and the full realization of the epic fucking shit sandwich she has made of her life begins to dawn on her. Itíll go down one of two ways. Either she will:

1. Pull her head out of her ass and begin to feel some tiny semblance of remorse, maybe try to make some kind of effort at amends....

Or she will:

2. Be simply too damn weak to face her own culpability and will only solidify in her opinion that everything is your fault.

Because you exposed, there is a marginal chance of option one happening. If you had done nothing option two was probably gonna happen in the end no matter what. So you have chosen really the only logical course in a fucked up situation.

So what now? Like I said, sit back a while, let the dust settle, do the 180 (from the healing library yellow box upper left) and see what develops. If your wife goes down the path of option one? Well then you can decide if you are interested in attempting to Reconcile (notice the emphasis on attempting, there are no guarantees and R is a hard long and arduous road. I know thatís not what you want to hear but itís the truth). If she goes down the road of option two? Well then, that tells you all that you really need to know about the kind of person she is and you will be well rid of her (I know thatís also not what you want to hear but it is also true).

Trust me when I tell you that you made the right choice. Every single successfully R person I know has had to, at some point or another, deploy a nuclear option of some sort to snap their WS out of their fucked up thinking.

Her lashing out is just the newest example of continuing asshattery, hopefully itís the last dying gasp of her wayward thinking.

Only time will tell now.

Oh, and I wouldnít worry over much about ďclearing your nameĒ . Other people donít like to have to face ugly truths (itís just sooo inconvenient for them), so it may take a bit, but the truth always wins out in the end.

Stay strong, take care of yourself and keep us updated,
HT

Booyah posted 5/29/2019 19:44 PM

"You destroyed a 7 yr olds life"??

Did you cheat on her?
Did you lie to her?
Did you have sex/affair with someone who's married with kids?
Did you have an affair with your boss?
Did you have sex/affair with a friend of your FIL?

Someone needs a REALITY check and look in the mirror and see the reflection of a HORRIBLE mother staring back at her.

You are NOT married to this woman and despite how much this sucks you should be thanking God that she's shown you who and what she truly is. RUN and don't look back!!!

OrdinaryDude posted 5/29/2019 20:26 PM

Latenite, do you have the phone in question here?

Is it on your plan?

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