Return to Forum List

Return to General

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Where do I go from here? How do I fix this? Why am I not enough?

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17

LateNght posted 6/5/2019 15:39 PM

Skerzoid,

She may get him.

If he really thinks he could continue their relationship and she would stay with him if he left his wife....

Or if his wife leaves him anyway...

If shes BS'ing me on US and still wants him then I'm sure shes giving him all the signals or straight up telling him if you leave your wife you have me or if she leaves you then you have me.

And why would he not want his wife to leave him when he's got a 27yo hottie lined up? Why would he not be like fuck it I'll take the losses in the divorce I've got this dime piece to comfort me through it all.

Its messed up but that could totally be what's going behind the scenes...

How do I get her out of the fog??

What advice can I offer to OBS to help her get her husband out of the fog?

I dont know how deep they're still in fog as of right this moment but I feel like they are at very least somewhat still in it.

Just bc as others have said if she was serious about wanting to try I'd be getting more attention or calls/texts.

I am getting them at this point, and their generally positive, but it feels very *drip drip drip* like a leaky faucet instead of a full blown fire hose putting out an inferno.

Is it to much to ask for a full blown fire hose ? Should I be ok with somewhere in the middle between a flood and the leaky faucet?

I can be overbearing at times. I have a very type A type personality. Just wondering what's healthy in terms of expectations when so much has happened and everyone is still reeling in the broken pieces.

Booyah posted 6/5/2019 16:49 PM

"And why would he not want his wife to leave him when he's got a 27 yo hottie lined up? Why would he not be like fuck it I'll take the losses in the divorce I've got this dime piece to comfort me through it all"?

"Hottie"?

"Dime piece"?

2X4 coming.

Latenight your WW is a cheater and a liar. Yes OM is as well but his wife isn't. With those attributes your wife is far from being a "hottie" or a "dime piece".

Your wife is just a "piece" of ass for some other man who's married as well. More than likely will want to keep his marriage together.

LateNght posted 6/5/2019 18:11 PM

From what I've heard he doesn't give 2 shits about his marriage.

LateNght posted 6/5/2019 18:18 PM

OBS said one of them had to go from the workplace...

So he says to my SO hey let's pack all your shit and hide your car and I'll send pictures of the empty office to the OBS saying you packed it up and left.

So that's what they did.

Then he sent an email to SO about how he's done and doesn't love her. Then he typed up an email to the business partner saying everything that happened and it was business partners decision on who to fire or if he was gonna fire at all.

So my guess is OBS thinks my SO is no longer there, business partner never got email, and he's still trying to be with SO. I dont think he gives a damn about his marriage.

I havnt talked to OBS in a week because shes still in hospital after suicide attempt.

I think that thing about OM attempting suicide was BS too bc appearently hes out now and was at work yesterday.

Why is he not with his wife in hospital if he cares about his wife and marriage?

Robert22205https posted 6/5/2019 18:47 PM

I have a very type A type personality. Just wondering what's healthy in terms of expectations when so much has happened and everyone is still reeling in the broken pieces.

Distance yourself from her and go NC from all of these toxic people. Not to punish her but to protect yourself.

It's also your best chance (but not guaranteed) of getting back together. Although in view of her behavior, I think she's a train wreck that you should avoid.

She's currently addicted to the OM's attention. As an addict she views your willingness to R or compete for her as a weakness that she can not resist exploiting to pull you back into this web of infidelity.

She may be pretty but cheaters all share these characteristics: selfish, deceitful, entitled and lack empathy for their partners. You deserve better (and so do your future kids).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 6:48 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

LateNght posted 6/5/2019 18:56 PM

Thanks robert.


I talked to her a few hours ago and I really chewed her ass out.

I see that's it's possible for me to move on and fall out of love with her.

If shes doesn't pull her head out of her ass and realize what she had and what's shes losing and start making strides in the effort to fix this shitpile shes put everyone in then I'm gone.

And when I go I'm burning the whole damn thing to the ground.

She better figure it out quick too.

northeasternarea posted 6/5/2019 19:04 PM

How do I get her out of the fog??

What advice can I offer to OBS to help her get her husband out of the fog?

None of this can be controlled by you. Stop being her Plan B. You are worth so much more than that.

ChamomileTea posted 6/5/2019 20:23 PM

How do I get her out of the fog??

What advice can I offer to OBS to help her get her husband out of the fog?

I know how frustrated you're feeling, it's something most of us have experienced as BS. But the answer is... nothing. There's nothing you can do to control other people. The only one you can control is YOU. It's difficult, but try to let go of the outcome and focus on yourself. Engage in proper self-care; good nutrition, sleeping when you can, staying hydrated, getting some light exercise, keeping your mind busy, and avoiding alcohol at all costs. Think about what your boundaries are as a person, how you want to be treated by others, and more particularly how you want to be treated by a prospective mate.

It takes time for a WS pull their head out of their ass, and some don't get it done at all. You're likely feeling this huge sense of immediacy, like you need to DO something. But all you can do is lay out your boundaries and see what happens. YOU are in charge of your own timetable, meaning how long you'll wait. Some WS snap out of it pretty quickly, some don't snap out of it at all, and some will challenge you for control, going back and forth while they suss out their options. It's up to you to decide if you're an option or not. If not, once you've filled her in on what you're willing to tolerate and what you're not, you can walk away if you want. It's up to her to catch up if she can.

I know this sounds so arbitrary and so counter-intuitive to the urgency you're feeling. But reconstructing a primary relationship is difficult work, and down the pike you're going to need to know she's "all-in" or it just won't work. There's a massive leap of faith involved, and you can't make it if you're not in a place where you truly believe that R is her priority. The very first step to rebuilding any trust at all is the WS's determination to be with you. It's kind of a crude analogy, but in dog-pack terms, she has to show her belly and recognize your leadership.

LateNght posted 6/5/2019 22:12 PM

Ughhhh.... yall ever seen the movie the loft??

New info is coming to light where the OM and HIS ASSOCIATES may have multiple properties where they took SO (and im sure other women) to cheat on their wives.

Probably for gangbangs.

Your right I feel a sense of urgency.

I WANT THE TRUTH!!! THE WHOLE TRUTH!!! AND I WANT THE BETRAYED SPOUSES OF ALL THESE M**********RS TO KNOW THE TRUTH!!!!

LateNght posted 6/5/2019 22:13 PM

AND I WANT IT NOW!!!

LateNght posted 6/5/2019 22:14 PM

Now I'm definitely thinking I havnt actually spoken to the real OBS of OM

ChamomileTea posted 6/6/2019 00:35 AM

I went through the whole "I want the truth" thing. Nearly drove me out of my mind. I think the vast majority of us have been through it. But really, what did I need to know aside from the FACT that my WH fucked somebody? After thirty years together, everything we'd been through, all I'd done for him, all we had made together... that was my reality.

Getting the details is like a drumbeat going off relentlessly in our heads, like that Dr. Who episode where The Master is going mad, thump thump thump, thump. You're not alone in this. But really, you have to cool out and understand that the details don't really matter all that much. The salient points are already known. What you're feeling is NORMAL. Try not to let it get under your skin. Deep breathing and mindfulness will help.

notanotherchance posted 6/6/2019 02:19 AM

Seriously dude

Why o why are you wasting your life hoping for R with this cheating, lying woman. Have some self worth and I would hope solid morals and just fucking end it. Total NC. I just read your post & I am like WTF dude there is no room for drama like this & from a GF no less. You can do waaaaaaay better than what this woman has to offer you...a lifetime of misery.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 2:34 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

RocketRaccoon posted 6/6/2019 04:24 AM

Hey LN,

A Gentle 2X4s coming your way.

If shes doesn't pull her head out of her ass

I think you have it the other way around. You, my friend, are in denial. She has already made up her mind, and has a goal in mind, to land her AP.

What she may not know (or believe) is that his AP will probably stay with his wife, because he will lose a lot of money.... which your WW is eyeing.

As to your WW, if she were truly remorseful, she would be jumping at the chance to R with you. She would recognise what a GIFT it is! As it stands, she sees it as an option.

She probably told you that she needs 'time to think' just to let you down softly. This is a misplaced sense of being humane. In fact, it is highly possibly it is a ploy, and is actually stringing you along, if her AP does not take her up on her generous offer of being an easy booty call.

As to love. You obviously love her more than she loves you, the glorified Nanny to her child. She is now interviewing for a replacement nanny whilst she is 'finding herself'.

These are hard posibilites, but coming from an arms-length point of view, it points in that direction.

You are still young, and with a long life ahead of you. You sad romantic songs (been there done that, does not work) will accentuate that romantic pain in your heart (oh, how cruel is the world.. yada yada yada) but on the long run, it does you no good but perpetuate the pain (pain shopping).

It does look like you have handled yourself reasonably well so far, and have done quite a few things right.

Keep up the detachment.

Forget the hanging-on-by-a-thread, as she who should be the one worried about your relationship.

Regain your self-respect, and with it, your control over your healing

'Closure' is over-rated. You will have to find it within yourself, as you will never get a good 'closure' from a liar and cheat.

Lp0725 posted 6/6/2019 08:24 AM

Look, I completely get where you're coming from. You've invested 7 years in this relationship and you love this woman and her son, who you probably care for like your own child. But unfortunately your SO has not given you any reason to believe she truly loves you and wants to reconcile with you. Her asking for "space" is just her way of keeping you at arms length while she test drives her new boyfriends. Please stop letting her take advantage of you. Who really cares what her loser AP and his associates do with their mistresses? This guy is old enough to be her father. She is seriously fucked up in the head. Stop believing her words and look at her actions. If she was truly remorseful, you'd know it. She'd be up your ass trying to prove how much she loves and wants you. Instead, she's just keeping you on the back burner in case nothing works out with all these other guys (and I don't doubt there are multiple AP's, you are NOT paranoid). Haven't you suffered enough? Please just walk away from this psycho and all her drama. You can do SO much better. She does not deserve you. The woman you fell in love with does not exist. This is who she's been all along, she just finally let the mask slip and revealed her true colors. The pretty package is hiding a huge steaming pile of shit. Let her AP have her. That's exactly the kind of man she deserves - a lying cheating scumbag, just like her. They are two peas in a pod.

sisoon posted 6/6/2019 09:32 AM

'Fog' is shorthand for 'not in touch with reality'. It's also a euphemism - 'fogged up' is less impolite than 'fucked up.'

But it's misleading. Real fogs lift when the sun shines through. the 'fog' of infidelity doesn't lift until the person in the fog decides to lift it. Your W is in a fog by her own choice.

Using 'fog' WRT infidelity is a way of describing what is going on. Instead, you are using it as an excuse. That doesn't work well.

How do I get her out of the fog??
To me, that question says not that you're a type A personality but that you're co-dependent, which is not a great way to live.

I strongly recommend implementing the 'Simplified 180' - https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080.

I strongly recommend finding a good IC, with a goal of learning to control yourself, not others.

I strongly recommend finding a good D lawyer and, probably, filing for D asap.

And above all:

D - Don't
E - Even
T - Think
A - about
C - Changing
H - her.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:40 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

Booyah posted 6/6/2019 10:26 AM

If anyone is in the "fog" it is YOU Latenight!!!

I get that this is hard, but you are hell bent on doing things your way and unfortunately you're going to have to learn the hard way.

Good luck to you Latenight.

And with that I am out.

LateNght posted 6/6/2019 10:49 AM

Man I'm trying here.

I really am. I know you all know how this feels, and I would ask you to put yourself back in those shoes and let the emotions engulf you so you can remember what it feels like but that would be kind of messed up.

So instead I'll just ask that you bear with me.

Yes I want R.

But I am 100% ready to move the hell on if she doesn't start showing some serious fucking effort in the next day or so.

The longer she waits to read that book everyone recommended, or start any kind of serious talk or be considerate of me and what I need, the harder it's going to be for me to accept it anyway.

I feel like I ping ponged between sadness and anger for the last 2 months, but now I'm stuck on just pissed off. I will not go back to sadness bc wtf is there to be sad about really? That I lose a whore? A cheating lieing cheap ass whore bitch.

Not sure if I mentioned he was paying her. But he was... not great either. I'm sure I make more money than him all she had to do was say babe I need this or I need that and she would have had it. You need a grand or two for the week baby here you go but make sure you get the groceries and fill all the cars up too. Maybe it was the grocery and gas part she JUST COULDNT DEAL WITH OH POOOORRRRR HERRRR OMG THE HUMANITYYYY!

notanotherchance posted 6/6/2019 11:36 AM

LN

Yes I want R.


I feel like I ping ponged between sadness and anger for the last 2 months, but now I'm stuck on just pissed off. I will not go back to sadness bc wtf is there to be sad about really? That I lose a whore? A cheating lieing cheap ass whore bitch.
Not sure if I mentioned he was paying her. But he was... not great either.


You want to R with the woman you just described to a T....WTF dude


You are your own worst enemy right now. I get it that you have had a long time relationship with this woman, I get that you love her , even still. I get that you love her daughter as your own, I get that she at one time loved you. However like all, things change and everyone reading your post can tell you that your WGF does not love you. She manipulates you & dangles the carrot in front of you & you keep trying to grab it.

nekonamida posted 6/6/2019 12:13 PM

LateNight, you can't numb this away. You can't burn it all down and expect to never hurt again. Healing from pain is a process that everyone has to go through and if you delay it and numb it, it doesn't go anywhere. Just sits around and waits for the right opportunity to crop back up. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference.

That is what your goal should be - to stop giving a shit one day what your GF/XGF is up to and who she's fucking. She's a train wreck and you're better off not caring about how many dumpster fires she has going at any given moment.

At this moment, stop talking to her. You don't have to block her. Just don't text her. Don't call her. She has the book. She knows what she has to do. If she wants R, SHE will call or text you. And if/when she reaches out, DON'T tell her to call or text again. Put her in the driver's seat and spend your time getting used to life without her and dealing with your own emotions. Keep digging for the truth if you can. Just don't focus on her at all and see what she does.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17

Return to Forum List

Return to General

© 2002-2019 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy