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Where do I go from here? How do I fix this? Why am I not enough?

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LateNght posted 5/26/2019 15:13 PM

This is so hard.

and there is so much to go over i dont know if I can even cover it all bc my mind is so full of everything.

Im posting in general bc I found out 2 months ago but im just now posting here bc i NEED to vent. i NEED someone to hear me. someone to see this.

...help.

I'm 29 & I've been with the woman I love for 7 years. When I met her she had a 7 month old baby boy. I've watched him grow up his whole life and he's like my son. These 2 people are my world. My family. I'd do anything for them. and now I feel like they're gone.

its not that they're physically gone but its like things will never be the same. How do we heal? How do we get over this? How do we move on? How do we trust again? Love again?

2 months ago on my birthday I found out that she was cheating on me with her boss. who's 55 & married with kids. and also friends with her father. At the time I found out the PA was 3 months old. The EA was probably 6-12 months.

She didnt seem genuinely remorseful but said that she was sorry, and that she would end it, and no more lies. she'd try to fix this, and rebuild us. rebuild trust.

The past 2 months have been hell. There was constant resistance to my needs for transparency, communication, attention, validation etc. Sex was only good when I'd do what she wanted, it was never what I needed. bc of that Im sure I was terrible. There has been a constant vicious cycle of insecurity when it comes to sex. Its like she hasnt flat out said I'm not enough but I FEEL like I'm not enough.

All of the above fed the doubt and the gut feeling that it wasnt over between them. Id ask her constantly. Id pry on every little detail hoping to get the truth. it was always "no" "your paranoid" "im trying why cant you see that" "no matter what i do its never gonna be enough"....

2 nights ago I found the burner phone. They never ended it. She went to her moms. later we talked. were both broken. she says she loves him. i think hes manipulating her emotions with a fantasy and jealousy. she seems much more genuinely remorseful this time around. but damnit, i dont feel better. she says she wants to fix us, she loves me, our history, our relationship, is all worth it, she just needs some time to get her head in the right place. she told the OM she needs time and he said take all the time you need. she made a point to tell me that, she said it made her feel less stressed but that I cause her stress bc I want us back, i want us to heal. she says shes pulled in both directions, me and him, and she doesnt know what to choose yet.

I mean wtf. where did it go wrong. how do we fix it.

northeasternarea posted 5/26/2019 15:30 PM

You can't fix this. Reconciliation takes two, and its hard work. Tell him he can have her.
Don't try to nice her back, it never works.

Adaira posted 5/26/2019 15:45 PM

She’s not remorseful. She saw your pain and devastation and instead of caring about you, she continued to cheat on you. She needs time to choose? Don’t tolerate that bullshit - she’s making you an option. Choose for her. If you’re married, your next stop should be a divorce attorney. You don’t have to go through with the divorce if she turns her shit around, but she will NEVER turn it around if you allow her to treat you like this.

fareast posted 5/26/2019 15:51 PM

You’re doing the pick me dance it and it never works. You can’t win her back. You can’t nice her back. By trying to do it you look pathetic to her. Garner your self respect. Northeastern area is absolutely right. Read in the healing library and implement a hard 180. Tell him he can have her and move on with your life. If she wants the relationship she has to win you back. You are the prize. Value yourself! Good luck.

anoldlion posted 5/26/2019 16:21 PM

It's time for you to start seeing what is and not what you want it to be. She is playing you like a Stradivarius violin. You may love her with all your being but her continuing the affair after being caught, proves she doesn't return that love. You may pour all your love into her but there is no way in God's blue heaven you can make her return that love. If you haven't told the AP's wife then do so now. His actions shows he is asking to be outed, then out him. Tell everyone what a low life he is. Both he and your wife are devoid of integrity and loyalty. See an attorney and file divorce papers. When she sees you are serious she will either wake up or be glad you are divorcing her. The only person whose actions you can control is yours. YOU CAN NOT MAKE HER LOVE YOU AND WANT TO STAY WITH YOU. Walk away and by Christmas you will feel so much better with your life. There is a good woman out there just waiting for you to find her. Don't stay with someone that doesn't want you. It will suck all the joy out of your life. I do wish you well.

Jorge posted 5/26/2019 16:30 PM

If you chase her, you'll chase her away from you and straight into the arms of the other man she told you she LOVES!! 180 and no contact with her if you want any chance of reconciliation.

Don't underestimate the confidence the other man has in telling her, take as much time as needed. It may be that he's highly confident her decision will favor him, or he's indifferent and has other options. Either way, pursuing her will practically guarantee losing her, your dignity and respect.

[This message edited by Jorge at 4:39 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

HoldingTogether posted 5/26/2019 17:04 PM

Hey LateNght,

Where do you go from here? Well... are you and her married? You didn’t specifically say if you were. If you are then, although I hate to sound like a broken record, the first place you should probably go is a divorce attorney. Nothing about that is final but it gets the ball rolling and you really need to get out in front of this shit. Right now she is steering the course here and that needs to change very rapidly. You cannot let her be in the drivers seat because she has clearly shown that she is driving fucking impaired right now. Can you see how this is the case? You can’t let her be calling the shots when her judgement is obviously (at this point anyway) for shit.

Additionally you need to blow up her and OM’s little fantasy world. Like right now. As soon as you finish reading this. Don’t think about it don’t dither, don’t worry that you will somehow alienate her.... You need to expose her affair to everyone. OM’s wife and family for starters. This whole arrangement is gonna seem a lot less romantic and wonderful to her and that shitstick about 5 seconds after the reality of some consequences start to set in. Expose to their employer, you said he is her boss? That is inappropriate and fucked up on about a dozen different levels. I am sure his boss would be interested to hear about it. Expose to her family. You said this douchbag is a friend of her father? I gotta hope he wouldn’t approve of this circus, let him know about it.

If she sounded even just a little bit grounded in reality I might not be suggesting exposing to literally everyone. But from the sounds of it she is in full Lala land here. Nuclear is the best option in those circumstances. I know that in your current head space you are thinking about trying to minimize damage... but brother that ship has sailed. Now is the time for extreme and bold action.

After taking the first two steps I agree with others that you should step back and go full 180 (look it up in the healing library yellow box top left). It is possible that everything blowing up and getting exposed to the light suddenly will snap your WS back into some semblance of reality... After which you could begin to think about maybe trying to figure out how to “fix this” as you said. But from where you are right now there is no fixing things.

And waiting and doing nothing while waiting for her to come around is absolutely the worst path you could possibly take. All that does is give her infidelity addled brain her time to figure out all the reasons why everything is your fault and she is the real victim here. Everyday that passes with no real consequences makes that idea more and more cemented in her mind. Enough of that and she is virtually guaranteed to be beyond hope and redemption.

And IT IS NOT because you aren’t enough, it is because she isn’t enough. Thats not a platitude, it’s the facts.

Strength and boldness going forward brother.
HT

BearlyBreathing posted 5/26/2019 17:20 PM

^^^ what was said above. BLOW this up. OBS deserves to know, and affairs dont do well in the light of day.

*Tell the OBS.
*See a lawyer. Learn your rights—knowledge is power and helps alleviate some fear.
*See your Dr for STD testing. Dont have sex with her without protection unless she proves she was also tested.
*Read about the 180 in the healing library (upper left in yellow box) Keep any communication to just about the child.
*Who can you confide in? Best friend, sibling? IC has helped many of us wrap our heads around the shitstorm and figure out what is best for us.
*Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, exercise. You need mind and body in good shape to deal with this.

An A is 100% on the wayward— there is NO EXCUSE regardless of how good or bad the M. You were always enough. ALWAYS. She is broken.

Hang in there— you will survive this. Keep reading, keep posting.

LateNght posted 5/26/2019 17:54 PM

i wish i had it in me to respond to each and every one of you right now so i apologize that i dont.

I just wanted to touch on a couple things.

as of 2 nights ago her father is highly suspect of what is going on bc she talked to him while crying. when she told him that me and her were arguing bc she cheated he specifically named OM. she denied but he didnt buy it and hes NOT happy.


we're not married yet.

yall are right I want to minimze damage. she is in lala land. this guy has used his money and his wife to seduce and make my woman jealous and crave his attention. my girl talks so bad about OM wife, making her seem like the devil, and like OM is mistreated so bad by his wife.

man just typing that felt really f'ed up. the whole situatuon is fubar.

idk why i wont to minimize. i just want love from the woman I would do anything for. im trying to be strong.

the OM is 50% owner of the business. he has a partner, the partner has also tried to sleep with my girl but she hates him. her and OM talk major shit about other partner.

i guess he does want to be outed. and i think my girl wants wife to leave so OM will be 100% with her.

i just dont know if i have it in me to blow this up.

ChamomileTea posted 5/26/2019 18:20 PM

I found out that she was cheating on me with her boss. who's 55 & married with kids. and also friends with her father.

Expose this affair to her father, to the affair partner's wife, and also to his business partner. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. And yes.. your cheating SO will likely be furious. Tough. Healing is painful. At 55, this guy is facing pretty severe consequences. Chances are better than average that he'll drop your SO like a hot rock while he tries to keep his wife from divorcing him.

This guy is vulnerable. At his age, he's looking at the loss of half his worldly goods and half of whatever retirement fund he's managed to put together. Further, his business partner might've tried putting the moves on your SO himself, but that might start looking a good bit different when he's wondering if there will be any sexual harassment litigation. And who knows, her father might be offended enough to think of some soft spots he'd like to bash his fist into or how to make his life hell in their social circle. Dads don't stop thinking about their daughter's virtue just because they're grown, you know?

In the meantime, get STD testing and talk to your doctor about stress management. Take super good care of your health just now. No alcohol, eat when you can, stay hydrated, and get some sleep. If you have shared assets, see an attorney. Otherwise, I'd give some serious consideration into packing my gear and moving out.

I understand that you really want to save this relationship. Believe me, we've all been there and we get it. But the key to reconciliation is that the WS (wayward spouse) must earn it. They have to seek it, work for it, be willing to do the introspection and make the internal changes required to repair their broken character. No matter how much you might want to do it for her, you just can't.

Expose the affair, and get on with your life. If she wants you badly enough, she'll have to catch up. You'll find more information in The Healing Library (upper left-hand corner). Look for articles on The 180. Implementing it will help you to detach.

Strength to you.

HoldingTogether posted 5/26/2019 19:12 PM

highly suspect

Brother, suspect is not enough.. Right now everyone suspects messy shit is happening but then they want to avoid drama so they dismiss it and put it out of their minds. Everyone is sticking with the status quo.

Except the status is NOT fucking quo!

Ok?

Nobody wants drama so YOU are the only one experiencing all the fucking drama. You! The one person here who is innocent of wrong doing! That is fucked up beyond rational measure. End that shit now. Expose. Spread that pain around a bit before you suffocate beneath the weight of it all.

I fucking promise you, daylight will at the very least take some of the load off of your shoulders and put it where it rightly belongs. On their fucking shoulders.

Best case? your wife gets a reality check and snaps out of it.

Worst case? She has to make her fucking choice and you get to come down off of the rack.

Either way better than hanging in limbo suffering. Don’t extend your pain any longer man. Believe us on this one.

[This message edited by HoldingTogether at 8:18 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

J707 posted 5/26/2019 19:59 PM

Please listen to everyone that has responded! We all know how much this hurts and what a state of dazed and confused to you it can be. Dude, the OM said his wife is mistreating him and making her out to be the devil! She may be or she may not be, doesn't matter! Cheaters lie! Doesn't excuse his part of infidelity or your girls part, you nor his wife did anything for all this, absolutely nothing, no excuses! Expose it all man! I understand you love her but she isn't showing you that love back, I know it hurts. Keep strong! It took me awhile to see it all and folks here helped me see it with clarity. You say you aren't married yet. Are you engaged? This is all a lot to take in but full exposure is a must!!

OrdinaryDude posted 5/27/2019 00:26 AM

Expose...Expose...Expose!!!

And change your locks.

She is a user and broken, you can’t fix her, and trying will simply drag you down.

Expose her for who she is, and move on with your life...then you will begin to heal.

GoldenR posted 5/27/2019 02:27 AM

First.... for the time being, believe absolutely nothing that comes out of her mouth. Cheaters lie, and then lie some more and then lie some more.

Next, EXPOSE.
EXPOSE. EXPOSE. EXPOSE. EXPOSE.
To everyone: your family, her family, his family ESPECIALLY his wife, to their work's HR department and to mutual friends.

Be prepared bc she will say some stupid shit like, "Well I thought we might be able to work it out,but after you did it, I don't think it's possible anymore". Ignore it. They ALL say that.

Finally...her needing time to figure things out, that's nothing but cheaterspeak for, "I need you to leave me alone for a while so i can continue to fuck my boyfriend in peace". Tell her that she has absolutely zero time to get her head out of her ass and to start working towards convincing you not to leave. And the deadline is right fucking now.

Cheaters don't respect nice. They see it as weak. They only respect and respond to firm decisive behavior.

RocketRaccoon posted 5/27/2019 04:59 AM

Not married, not your kid. Run away from her.

If you want to stay on, ask yourself why. Is it because you feel that at 29 years old, that you are old, and your life is over? You will not be able to find another partner? That you will not be able to have a child with your 'true love'?

Sorry to break it to you, but at 29, your life is just beginning. You have so many opportunities to look forward to, and a whole life to live!

How badly would your life be impacted if you are not with her? How does she enrich your life?

Am assuming that she is still working with her OM, and as such, it will not stop, especially if he is her boss. They will retire to his office for private 'discussions', and he will keep her hooked. You are fighting a losing battle here, as long as they are in contact.

She didnt seem genuinely remorseful but said that she was sorry, and that she would end it, and no more lies. she'd try to fix this, and rebuild us. rebuild trust.

2 nights ago I found the burner phone. They never ended it.

Do you want to stay with someone who has no respect for you? Will you be able to trust her?

The1stWife posted 5/27/2019 05:39 AM

LateNight. I’m sorry you had to find us here but glad you did.

I am hoping my experience will help you.

My H had a year long affair with a co-worker - much younger. He was 50! She was 29. Typical mid life crisis Affair. The OW (other woman) was single but knew he was married.

I won’t bore you with all the details but he swore the affair ended - it did not. He swore he wanted the marriage but was still cheating / known as false reconciliation. He refused counseling for him or us (because the affair was still going on). I think you get the picture.

DDay2- the second time I found out the Affair had resumed - I confronted him. The last 6 months from the first day I found out about the Affair I had a plan B and I was working in it. I had children and I had no idea if he was going to leave and never pay for a single thing again.

He was that deep in the Affair Fog. He kept saying “I want a Divorce”. We went from 0 to 100 in six seconds on the Divorce path (his doing).

Ok DDay2 it’s been six months of the Affair. I find out it had not stopped. I confront. Calm. Rational. No yelling. No crying. Emotionless. I said 3 sentences. Here goes:

“I am divorcing you. I’m sorry it has come to this but I cannot live with your cheating any longer. You are free to be with the OW or anyone else you choose.”

And I left the room. It wasn’t a discussion.

And I did the hard 180.

He was blindsided because he expected me to continue to be a doormat and do exactly what you are doing which is allowing the affair to continue. The OW had no spouse or boyfriend so I could not tell anyone there. But you have a spouse who deserves to know her H is cheating.

My H’s reaction is he is now begging me for another chance. I refuse. I am so livid he allowed me to work my butt off to reconcile while he cheated I could barely speak to him.

Next day or two I tell him “you have to leave’ and he refuses. I made a phone call and he told him he was going to stay with a friend and after that he needed to find a place to live.

That one move telling him I was Divorcing him - that restored my power in the marriage. We were married 25 years and we had never once said those words. But when I said it he knew it was no threat. I meant it.

We have reconciled and we are happy. It will be 6 years from next month that we are past the Affair. We have a different marriage now. I am no longer a doormat.

He knows if I say no I mean no. He knows if I suspect him of cheating we are finished. It’s not a conversation- I will leave him. Period.

In essence I put on the bitch boots and kicked him to the curb. I had no choice b/c I couldn’t save me and the marriage. For my children’s sake I chose me.

I did everything wrong during the Affair b/c I did not know about SI until years after the Affair ended.

I hope you can see that by doing nothing you are unwittingly allowing the affair to continue. So sorry for you. You deserve better. This is not your fault.

josiep posted 5/27/2019 07:15 AM

I hope and pray you will follow the advice given here. Especially about seeing a lawyer and learning what your legal rights are.

And you absolutely must expose their affair. If she gets mad at you for that, too bad, so sad. It's a natural consequence of her behavior. The teller of the story doesn't get the blame for how the story goes. Hold your head high and know that you are doing the right thing, not only for yourself and your child but for mankind itself. Infidelity costs our country billions of dollars a year and the cost to peoples' psyches and souls is immeasurable. You have the opportunity to make your little corner of the world a place where right is valued more than evil.

All those stories about the OBS's wife being unbalanced and mean are straight out of the cheater's handbook. They all say that. Sure, the woman might be a bit defensive at this point in her life, who wouldn't be after being gaslighted and mistreated? As a fellow human being, you owe it to her to tell her the truth about her life so that she can make an informed decision about her future.

Being soft and submissive will get you destroyed. Being firm and realizing your worth and that you deserve better in this life will get you there. Your choice.

[This message edited by josiep at 7:18 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

ibonnie posted 5/27/2019 08:01 AM

i just dont know if i have it in me to blow this up.
 

Okay, so I think doing things like 180ing and exposing the affair should be done because you want to end an affair. I think that you should do these things because 1. 180ing/detaching is what's best for you and your mental health when your spouse/partner is having and affair, and 2. making the OBS (other betrayed spouse) of the affair is the right thing to do. Your LTGF's (long time girlfriend) AP (affair partner) might be cheating with other people as well. Or this might not be the first or last affair he has. He wouldn't be the first WH (wayward husband) to give his unsuspecting wife an STD.

Having said all that, your only two options are to continue what you're doing, and get the same results, OR to change your behavior and see what happens.

Not only is informing the OBS the right thing to do, but many times it changes the entire situation. Once the WH gets hit with divorce papers, and realizes what he could lose -- half his wealth, his house, 50% of his time wih his kids, the respect of his family and friends -- suddenly a younger AP (with a little kid) doesn't look so appealing. It's not unusual for cheaters to drop them like a hot potato and go running back to their wives.

Not to mention, it's easy for them right now to tell each other insane bullshit like "love conquers all," and "once my family sees how happy I am, they'll love you, too."

Errr... nope. Do you really think your LTGF's father is ever going to be okay with his friend fucking his daughter? Do you think he's suddenly going to have a change of heart and invite him over for Thanskgiving dinner? Doubt it.

You don't have to be mean or vindictive. All you have to do is say, "Mr. & Mrs. LTGF's Parents? You know that I love your daughter and grandson, but she's have an affair with your friend John Smith, and I won't share my girlfriend with another man. Here's the evidence (text messages, screenshots) I have."

and

"Mrs. John Smith? I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but my LTGF and your husband have been having an affair since XYZ date. Here's the evidence I have. I still love my LTGF, but I'm not prepared to share her with your husband. If you have any other questions, you can call/email/etc. me at 555-555-1234."

LateNght posted 5/27/2019 11:11 AM

Guys I'm on the brink. I've written out the message to the OM wife I just haven't sent it.

I did send OM a very direct message to leave my gf alone and become a remorseful husband that focuses on his wife and marriage before any more damage gets done. (He knows I have the phone and can expose at any point).

I guess I'm hoping the threat of exposing is enough for him to walk without having to go thru ruining my gf's relationship with her father and losing her job etc etc.

The1stWife posted 5/27/2019 11:32 AM

In Reality your message to the AP was just sent to your girlfriend. By the Affair Partner.

They are now plotting against you and taking the Affair even further underground and better hidden.

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