Infidelity brings so many emotions and hurts for us betrayed. I know for me it caused many many many out of character behaviors that I never imagined I would do.
I reflect on some of the things I had to do to get myself past them. In the wake of discussions regarding revenge affairs, I wanted to share with you all some of my recent thoughts on having compassion for ourselves, and share with you all my journey on my own self-compassion to get past these destructive behaviors.
****Thoughts****
To show myself compassion, I had to start to care about myself. Care about who I am, what I do, what I say, what I think. I had to be honest with myself about my thoughts. What my actions would “give” me.
I wanted to get revenge upon my WS for what she did. I wanted to get even. It consumed me. I drank myself to no end and was killing myself with alcohol...two bottles a night, sometimes more. I lost weight due to poor eating, and then flipped it and gained weight due to poor eating. I started smoking cigarettes, became physically and emotionally abusive, and was willing to fuck a stranger just to get back at her.
Even damaged my own body and mutilated it with self harm.
Now....where is my self-love in that? Where is my compassion for myself and what I’ve gone through? Instead of showing up for myself I’m destroying myself more. I don’t deserve to destroy my own self when she's already put me so low. I don’t. So I had to make efforts to put the wine down. I had to make efforts to stop the smoking. To stop the abuse. And when I wanted to fuck a stranger, I had to be honest with myself about how I would feel about it and whether I would like it or enjoy it as much as she enjoyed fucking the AP behind my back.
In truth? I wouldn’t have enjoyed it. I would have felt disgusted with myself. In those moments I had to realize I was failing myself. And I didn’t deserve to do that to myself when I was in so much pain. I needed to love myself more than that. Because I didn’t do anything wrong to deserve what she did to me. And I certainly didn’t deserve me putting myself down lower than what she had.
As for the cutting, the smoking, the abuse, and the alcohol, I had to ask myself if this was truly what I wanted to be. What I wanted for myself. The answer? Of course not. I don’t want to be a cutter. I don’t want to be an abuser. I don’t want to be a smoker. I don’t want to be an alcoholic. So little by little I had to sit through the feelings that I had right before I gave into that bottle of wine, or that cigarette, or that shard of glass waiting for me to use....I had to sit in those feelings everytime and allow myself to break. Allow myself to cry them out and hurt. Hurt for me. Because I was hurt. And I didn’t deserve to be beating myself up or my body up because I didnt want to feel the hurt. I am allowed to cry. I’m allowed to hurt. I’m allowed to feel this way when someone has wronged me so badly. So I let myself feel, and cry, and hurt, and let it all out.
I wanted to share this on here in hopes that my thoughts could maybe help someone feeling this same way. Our broken spouses have chosen to push their hurt on us instead of healing it for themselves. And while we can't control them, or the outcome. We can control how we react. We can control what we allow. We have to learn to take our power back. To give it to ourselves. WE deserve better than this. We really do. We are lovable, we are amazing, we are worthy, we do matter. We deserve to show ourselves that and so much more in such a hurtful and trying time.
