"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

maise posted 5/22/2019 13:02 PM

Infidelity brings so many emotions and hurts for us betrayed. I know for me it caused many many many out of character behaviors that I never imagined I would do.

I reflect on some of the things I had to do to get myself past them. In the wake of discussions regarding revenge affairs, I wanted to share with you all some of my recent thoughts on having compassion for ourselves, and share with you all my journey on my own self-compassion to get past these destructive behaviors.

****Thoughts****

To show myself compassion, I had to start to care about myself. Care about who I am, what I do, what I say, what I think. I had to be honest with myself about my thoughts. What my actions would “give” me.

I wanted to get revenge upon my WS for what she did. I wanted to get even. It consumed me. I drank myself to no end and was killing myself with alcohol...two bottles a night, sometimes more. I lost weight due to poor eating, and then flipped it and gained weight due to poor eating. I started smoking cigarettes, became physically and emotionally abusive, and was willing to fuck a stranger just to get back at her.

Even damaged my own body and mutilated it with self harm.

Now....where is my self-love in that? Where is my compassion for myself and what I’ve gone through? Instead of showing up for myself I’m destroying myself more. I don’t deserve to destroy my own self when she's already put me so low. I don’t. So I had to make efforts to put the wine down. I had to make efforts to stop the smoking. To stop the abuse. And when I wanted to fuck a stranger, I had to be honest with myself about how I would feel about it and whether I would like it or enjoy it as much as she enjoyed fucking the AP behind my back.

In truth? I wouldn’t have enjoyed it. I would have felt disgusted with myself. In those moments I had to realize I was failing myself. And I didn’t deserve to do that to myself when I was in so much pain. I needed to love myself more than that. Because I didn’t do anything wrong to deserve what she did to me. And I certainly didn’t deserve me putting myself down lower than what she had.

As for the cutting, the smoking, the abuse, and the alcohol, I had to ask myself if this was truly what I wanted to be. What I wanted for myself. The answer? Of course not. I don’t want to be a cutter. I don’t want to be an abuser. I don’t want to be a smoker. I don’t want to be an alcoholic. So little by little I had to sit through the feelings that I had right before I gave into that bottle of wine, or that cigarette, or that shard of glass waiting for me to use....I had to sit in those feelings everytime and allow myself to break. Allow myself to cry them out and hurt. Hurt for me. Because I was hurt. And I didn’t deserve to be beating myself up or my body up because I didnt want to feel the hurt. I am allowed to cry. I’m allowed to hurt. I’m allowed to feel this way when someone has wronged me so badly. So I let myself feel, and cry, and hurt, and let it all out.

I wanted to share this on here in hopes that my thoughts could maybe help someone feeling this same way. Our broken spouses have chosen to push their hurt on us instead of healing it for themselves. And while we can't control them, or the outcome. We can control how we react. We can control what we allow. We have to learn to take our power back. To give it to ourselves. WE deserve better than this. We really do. We are lovable, we are amazing, we are worthy, we do matter. We deserve to show ourselves that and so much more in such a hurtful and trying time.

humantrampoline posted 5/22/2019 17:39 PM

maise,

Thank you for the post.

maise posted 5/22/2019 17:55 PM

humantrampoline,

Thank you for taking the time to read it

iamanidiot posted 5/23/2019 02:45 AM

Well Put Maise!!

I found out years after the A's. I had to go back in time to re-live what I could remember from that period, the coldness, the lies, the events, the people and how I reacted to what was happening etc

I hated that I had not been 'strong enough' to see through the lies, that I 'allowed' certain things to take happen, that I 'played along' with my WS'es infidelities.

It has taken me four long years to see the truth on how I was played, how her lies took advantage of my loving nature.

I was and still am a great guy that any spouse should be proud of. I have been a pretty good father, husband, son-in-law. I have provided for my family in may ways, monetary, support, love.

We do matter, in fact I think I'm quite awesome.

The1stWife posted 5/23/2019 03:07 AM

Excellent!! Very well written.

So many BS end up depressed and/or suicidal as the result of an Affair.

I endured two affairs, false reconciliation, demands for a D, ILYBNILWY, etc.

I survived all of it. I am lucky that I was able to survive it with my sanity intact.

maise posted 5/23/2019 11:44 AM

Iamanidiot & the1stwife,

Thank you both for your responses! This process truly is so challenging for us to carry. Not only do we have our own issues from whatever childhood or unresolved matters but then our WS’s layer their issues and pain over us, on top of betrayal, AND they don’t know how to support us through it. It’s such a critical time to really truly love ourselves and show the most strength we can for us to survive it.

crazyblindsided posted 5/23/2019 12:05 PM

Thank you for this post. Self-Love and compassion have been my silver lining in all of this. I'm glad I am re-discovering ME.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 5/23/2019 13:22 PM

Our broken spouses have chosen to push their hurt on us instead of healing it for themselves. And while we can't control them, or the outcome. We can control how we react. We can control what we allow. We have to learn to take our power back. To give it to ourselves. WE deserve better than this. We really do. We are lovable, we are amazing, we are worthy, we do matter. We deserve to show ourselves that and so much more in such a hurtful and trying time.

Very well said !!! When we start to realize the A was never about us... but a symptom of our broken spouses...we find our STRENGTH to move forward !!! Here’s to a wonderful healing path for you Dear Lady!!!

maise posted 5/23/2019 15:31 PM

crazyblindsided,

I agree, the only silverlining for me in this has also been my own self-love discovery. I'm also grateful that I am no longer in the false relationship/marriage I had before. Heartbreaking, but I was honestly miserable sacrificing so much of myself for it. I'm glad for the many lessons along the way even if I hate this process.

Want2BeHappyAgain,

Very true, it allows for us to transition from a victim place into a position of power. Thank you so much!!! I wish you much continued happiness for all the years to come!

[This message edited by maise at 3:32 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

humantrampoline posted 5/23/2019 15:56 PM

maise,

I'm trying to read and learn more positive healing things. I try to be compassionate with myself when I'm struggling with day-to-day things. it's hard to do.

I will keep a copy of this on my desktop to read often.

Again, thank you.

maise posted 5/24/2019 15:36 PM

humantrampoline,

That truly makes me so happy that this offers you motivational help. Showing up for ourselves through this trauma is hard work, I am so glad you're focusing on encouraging outlets to aid you in this process. I have my struggles with day to day also, I definitely understand.

Sending you many positive vibes on your journey to healing and self-love.

(hugs)

[This message edited by maise at 3:38 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Sunshine184 posted 5/25/2019 14:56 PM

Maise, you speak to me on so many levels. I hurt myself, I stood at the edge of ending my life on more than one occasion. We have moments where we end up saving ourselves. It’s hard. I’m glad you’ve shared this. I sincerely hope this makes the difference for readers who are in the midst of the crazy trauma of infidelity. We all matter, we are all hurting and need to find hope and/or meaning in order to soldier on. We are all beautiful souls who don’t deserve this pain. We all become more beautiful despite it. Hugs to you Maise, for sharing your story, your pain, and the beautiful result in you.

maise posted 5/26/2019 05:39 AM

Sunshine184,

I’m so sorry to hear you were on the edge of taking your life. I am so glad you had the courage and the strength to save yourself and to show up for yourself in such a powerful way despite the massive pain they’ve selfishly hurled upon us. I know how hard it is to sit in that hurt and still try to be brave for ourselves. In a way even as I discuss this I can see how this act of bravery for ourselves builds our self-worth and self love in a way that’s more concrete than ever before. We hit the lowest of our lows and still uplift ourselves past it. We truly are amazing for it. Thank you for all of your beautiful and kind words and hugs. I wish you so much continued strength in your path to healing, and many many years of happiness. Hugs back