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Not sure if I need to be here or not

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bluelady posted 5/21/2019 08:08 AM

Well I'm back. It's been 12 long years, but I'm back.

Backstory: my now ex husband cheated on my numerous times. I was a fairly active member here then. We divorced and I eventually started a relationship with someone else. We've been together 10 years, own a home and have 2 sons.

After my first son, my doc thought I had situational depression due to the stresses of becoming a new mom. While I was pregnant with my second son I developed prenatal anxiety and depression. I was prescribed zoloft after my son was born (he'll be 2 in October). Recently I went off my meds because I thought I was doing better. I was wrong.

About a month ago, SO, the kids and I went to visit out hometown and stayed with my parents. The first night we were there SO went out with his friends. I went to bed at midnight. Woke up at 3 am and he wasn't home. Texted to see where he was
No answer. Waited 30 minutes and texted again. Still no answer. Fell asleep and woke up with the kids at 7. He still wasn't home and hadn't responded to my texts. At this point I'm worried so I called him twice. He didn't pick up. So I texted his best friend, G, to see if he knew anything. G said that the last he saw SO was at another friends house, C, and was super drunk so he must have crashed there but he'd send a message on their group chat to see if anyone knew anything. Not 5 minutes later, SO texted to say he had crashed at another friend, J's place. It's not unusual for him to crash with friends. It is unusual that he didn't tell me, either beforehand or through text.

I was super mad when he got home. We got into a huge fight about it. Later on that week, he went out to have a beer with another friend. I was super paranoid because I had an itch in the back of my brain that something wasn't right. I texted him and asked him to come home. He said yes, and that the pub was just closing. When he got home I told him all my fears and such. We got into bed and I had my back to him. I could feel him texting someone. I asked him who he was talking to. He said the friend he had been out with. He was apologizing for having to bail. Suspicion again. It made no sense to me since the bar was closing. Wouldn't he have said goodbye and/or apologized then? I asked to see his phone. He flat out refused. Called it a gross invasion of privacy. Another huge fight. Then he admitted that he wasn't texting friend, that he was chatting on his group chat. So, he did lie. Finally, two days later, he showed me his texts. Obviously there was nothing there.

Two weeks ago he tells me that hes unhappy. That I've been mean and nasty to him and that it's wearing on him. That's it's been happening for years. Now, I have let my ppd get out of control. I admit that. And in my dark times (never dangerous, just dark) I do snap at him. I see that and I see how I could do better. I restarted my meds and i have an appointment to see a counselor. I'm making necessary changes.

I went away for the weekend two weeks ago and the day I got back the kids got a stomach bug, and then I fell ill with it. SO had been solo parenting or cleaning up puke for 5 days. I suggested he get away this past weekend. He took me up on it. Rented an AirBNB in our hometown. Left Friday and came back yesterday. I find it strange because he says he didn't see any of his friends while he was up there which is super unusual for him. Saturday he texted me on and off through the day. Sunday I needed to ask him an important, time sensitive question so I called. No answer. I texted asking him to call me when he got my text. Nothing. Two hours later and still nothing so I called again. He sent me to voicemail twice. I texted him my question and got nothing. My mom (who was the one needing the answer) called and she got sent to voicemail too. It was after she called that he called me back. Said he missed my call cause he was "strolling around downtown". Uh huh. That was the last I heard from him until he walked in the door yesterday at dinnertime. He didn't call or text to give me a heads up about anything.

Now hes back to being the moody self he was before he left. He seems to have no interest in talking to me and its super uncomfortable. I don't know whether I should be suspicious or whether it's my PPD talking. Either way, my house is no fun right now.


Lalagirl posted 5/21/2019 08:20 AM

Hi bluelady...nice to "see" you, but sorry for the reason.

Sweetie, I think you know something is off. Your gut is not screaming for nothing, depression be damned.

Perhaps hiring a PI is in order. If he's not having an A, it will at least assuage your fear and anxiety. Infidelity aside, he's being super rude and cruel by ignoring your calls and texts and being so mean to you.

Never ignore your gut; it never lies.



GoldenR posted 5/21/2019 08:39 AM

Hes cheating.

Get a VAR into his car ASAP.

The1stWife posted 5/21/2019 08:51 AM

He’s up to no good - the red flags are obvious.

I would ask him in a very non threatening way if he still wants to stay together. Yes or no. Get an answer because living like this (in limbo) is hell.

If he says “I don’t know” then know the answer is “no” but he doesn’t have the guts to be honest with you.

Don’t ask him about cheating. Don’t ask him about anything except where he views your future together. Because you don’t need to be told more lies.

If he says “IDK” then tell (not ask) him you know he’s been cheating and that if he won’t be honest about it the relationship is over. It’s not an argument. It’s a statement of fact. And if he argues or gets mad - you leave the room but not before you tell him that you are trying to treat him like an adult and have a productive discussion. But he continues to act kind a child by lying and cheating.

Then leave the room. End of conversation.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:52 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

bluelady posted 5/21/2019 08:51 AM

Thanks for the quick responses.

If he is cheating it's a long-distance, mostly emotional affair. Not that that's any better but I am confident in his whereabouts when were home. It's our hometown that's the problem

SisterMilkshake posted 5/21/2019 11:17 AM

Definitely red flags. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he is cheating, but you know the red flags and they are flying pretty strongly.

I would try the VAR, definitely.

allusions posted 5/21/2019 11:30 AM

Can you get ahold of the cell phone records and see which numbers he's been texting and calling?

It's pretty obvious something suspicious is going on. He went missing on your trip back home and then he was there for a weekend and was incommunicado.

You suggested he get away for the weekend. Whose idea was it to go back to your hometown?

Chaos posted 5/21/2019 11:47 AM

So many red flags here it is its own parade.

Sorry you are back bluelady.

Start investigating [VAR, PI, coming cell records, emails, phone, etc.]. Document what you find. Keep it in a safe place.

See a lawyer and find out options.

Get tested - even if you think "just" EA. Your health isn't worth the risk or assumption.

Your gut isn't lying to you. You know the drill.

And take extra good care of yourself.

IslandGirl4418 posted 5/21/2019 12:32 PM

These are the signs. Pay attention to them. I wish I would have. I wish you the best.

Shocked123 posted 5/21/2019 13:19 PM

Do you have access to his phone? If so I would look at the location history on it. Most people don’t think of deleting that.
I can let you know how if you have access.
Try to get a hold of the detailed billing of his cell phone.
Check his mileage on his car. See if it adds up with the places he says he’s going to.
It all sounds fishy to me.

MamaDragon posted 5/21/2019 13:30 PM

Usually if they are acting like he is they are hiding something.

You already suspect he cheated when ya'll visited your folks - the best thing to do is let him go to sleep and get his phone away from him.

Take your phone with you so you can screen shot anything. I'd look on the cell phone bill first - for any strange numbers or ones that come up frequently.

Good luck!

pearlamici posted 5/21/2019 14:05 PM

I recently found out if you have a verizon wireless account - you can see all the text messages online - you click on the number you want to check - then click on the conversation ... wish they had this a few years back!! I don't know if other carriers offer this.

steadychevy posted 5/21/2019 14:15 PM

Trust your gut, bluelady. Seems to be a lot of unexplained time in your home town and an attraction to go back without spending time with his friends. VAR. Check call history, if you can.

tushnurse posted 5/21/2019 14:34 PM

He is up to no good.

I would recommend you see an attorney to find out your rights since you are not married, and also getting STD tested.

Stop allowing him to make you take the blame. You have depression period. That isn't the reason he is unhappy. He being in accessible with small children is unacceptable. His being moody and disrespectful to you is also unacceptable.

Maybe your depression isn't all related to post partum, and more to do with the fact that you are in a relationship with a man that doesn't respect you. Just food for thought.

bluelady posted 5/22/2019 06:37 AM

Thanks for all the replies. I don't have access to passwords (someone got into his bank account a few years ago and now he's got some weird algorithm password thingy) or his phone. I'm going to buy a VAR this afternoon to hide in his office. And, if I get a chance, I'll be snooping on his computer. He usually leaves programs open.

I'm also going to speak to a lawyer. You're right - I need to know what my rights are and I need to be proactive about it. I won't be taken by surprise this time..

StillLivin posted 5/23/2019 09:40 AM

Sounds like he is cheating. Regardless, his lack of respect and consideration is not acceptable in any relationship, cheating or no cheating. My husband, now X stayed out all night without calling me or answering the phone ONCE. When he got home, my shit was packed and I was waiting for the cab to come get me...wish I'd followed through and left and not looked back. Anyway. He begged, pleaded, and had great alibis. I told him that staying out all night was NOT acceptable and especially if he wasn't going to answer my calls. I also informed him that if he ever sis it again, I wouldn't even wait til morning to leave. I meant that and he knew it. His A was long distance.
All your partners moodiness and shitty attitude, FTN. Also not acceptable.
The biggest takeaway from my Xs A and the subsequent divorce is that I should have left long before he had his A. Like your SO, he was singing the same tune.
Follow the advice to see if he did, in fact, cheat. But you should start laying down boundaries now for all the other unacceptable crap. No transparency is a deal breaker. If you want "privacy" close the door when you go take a shit. Having access to phones and email, etc. is not privacy invasion but transparency.
I'm sorry you're back. I hope we're wrong, but you still have serious relationship issues that should become dealbreakers if they continue.
If he's so unhappy, help him pack and hold the door for him.

bluelady posted 5/23/2019 10:08 AM

Interestingly, StillLivin, he wants privacy where his phone is concerned but won't close the door to shit!

StillLivin posted 5/23/2019 10:52 AM

That's not privacy that's wanting to be able to do shady shit with no consequence. I wouldn't even entertain staying in a relationship with someone who felt this way. Obviously, when you're casually dating, which you aren't, you dont start off with this much transparency, but by the time you start talking about living g together and add kids I to the mix, that shit needs to change. The first time a live in partner started making noise about no transparency, I'd pack my shit. But it took a long time to develop this kind of self worth and self confidence to be able to walk regardless of how much time I've invested.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:52 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

BellaLee posted 5/23/2019 16:02 PM

Hi @bluelady, it does seem like there are issues you both need to address. Would you consider counseling and will he be willing to go? A lot of times as couples we rug sweep issues and hope they will go away but unfortunately they can escalate as time goes on. Try not to think the worst yet and keep a positive mind. I really do hope you don't need to be here and things work out for good for you and your family. All the best.

ShutterHappy posted 5/23/2019 19:04 PM

I cannot imagine a situation where my wife would ask to see my phone and my answer would be “no, that’s a gross invasion of privacy”. She sometimes take my phone, I sometimes take hers... Life is a whole lot simpler when one has nothing to hide.

Having a “private” phone in a marriage is just weird, kind of like having a room in the house that your spouse is not allowed to go whatsoever, is always under lock and security camera surveillance.

I’d be willing to bet that you wouldn’t hesitate to give your phone had you been asked.

It doesn’t necessarily mean cheating, but it sounds like he wants to hide something.

I wish you strength and luck in uncovering what is going on.

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