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Adhd and impulse control

Countrygirl10 posted 5/15/2019 14:11 PM

This group has shed so much light for me. I’m posting this to see if others have expierence with a adhd spouse.

I can say for years mine always used his anxiety,depression,adhd as a excuse for some of his behavior.
Now I slightly feel bad because personally I always said to myself ‘yeah right that’s just a crutch excuse’ how can a 36 year old not be able to realize he was being mean/making a poor choice.
Even by the information I was told by doctors and by trustworthy search sites I have still said 1 slip up and I am done. I don’t deserve to be treated like that but I am trying to give it a shot for the sake of our children on just making it work.
But by finding articles that say things like I post below. Is there even hope he can keep it together? He does treat his anxiety with meds but not his adhd (he took himself off adhd meds himself when he was 20)

“Because adults with ADHD constantly crave new experiences, maintaining a long-term relationship can be a struggle, even without the burden of criticism. If resentment builds, an their need for stimulation is likely to create the impulse to find another partner. “

He is mentally aware of the mainly poor impulse control but that as well as other articles makes me worry :(
Anyone have any experience here. I don’t want to turn to dr.goolge and read I’d rather hear experiences on here since I’ve always gotten great advice/input

Cooley2here posted 5/15/2019 16:08 PM

I have adhd and have a college degree, been married a million years, never cheated. I wish “experts” would stop using that as excuse for bad behavior. I am a good person. I have lifelong friends and great kids. I just have a brain that goes into overdrive and I get bored easily. None of that makes a person cheat.

Justsomeguy posted 5/15/2019 17:41 PM

My STBXWW is most certainly ADHD as out daughter has been diagnosed with it. It tends to be inherited and you can see it run through her family line. It certainly contributed to our marital problems as she was unable to do as much as a typical person. I just thought she was lazy. I carried 80% of the load and worked myself ragged while she puddles the day away. Her common refrain was that she got distracted and lost track of time. I just gptvfrustrsted after working all day to come home and do her work. Yes I am Codependant. She didn't get around to filing her taxes for three fucking years! Anyhow, I would complain which she thinks is abuse, but okay. I just never felt like i had a full grown-up partner in my marriage. Big on plans and no delivery. I still did the shit. she seems to think her ADHD contributed to her choice, but I don't think she has fully processed her why's yet. I don't think she ever really will though. Part of me is pissed that she blew up the family and part of me thinks life will be so much easier alone.

Countrygirl10 posted 5/16/2019 09:31 AM

I wasn’t referring to anyone being a bad person I apologize if it came across that way.
However yes I definitely agree to me (mind you I clearly know very little to nothing about adhd) it’s used as a excuse. And I took the information by ‘experts’ as them giving the ok to do as they please bc a adhd diagnosing will be your reason.

Then I sat and thought I graduated college with close friends who has dyslexia. And another that struggled with low comprehension. They didn’t use that as a ’’excuse’ to further career and be the best they could in a field that was interesting to them. It just caught me off guard because again looking at it differently everyone can have a ‘excuse’ some choose to take that struggle and kick its butt and some will take it as a ‘excuse’

And by no means am I letting his adhd slide with all that has happened or his behaviors.
However maybe you can shed some light on a question??

If he continues to be aware of his poor self control is it something he can truely do and overcome (without meds if that makes a difference). Overnight he went from complete prick to Nice and helpful.

My youngest son has recently been diagnosed with add (another reason why I’m seeking advice/information) it runs deep in my husbands family as well.

He 100% knows he lost my trust and I don’t feel for him now the way I once did this last cheating killed me inside. But for our kids we are trying to make things work with what we have. But he also knows if he falls back into old ways I’m done.

[This message edited by Countrygirl10 at 9:34 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]

sisoon posted 5/16/2019 09:53 AM

Does your H have a reliable ADHD diagnosis? Is he getting treatment for ADHD? If so, what is the treatment?

I'd have a big problem with him if he's not in treatment.

Have you read Hallowell's Driven to Distraction and/or his other pubs, podcasts, etc.?

Countrygirl10 posted 5/16/2019 11:14 AM

Yes he has a valid adhd diagnosis since he was young.
No he does not do treatment or take any meds any longer.
He took himself off the meds when he finished school.
I actually went to the book store and grabbed a book on adhd I’m so Unknowledgeable on this just to hopefully understand it better.

Him not really getting help for things scares me that things will in time spiral out of control again. As open as we are trying to be without appropriate help I just don’t see how change can happen. Right now he asked me everything because he doesn’t want to do something wrong. I want him to be Him and be his own person not become a extended person of me dictating every move (if that makes sence?).

I have never listened to that podcast I’ll listen to it on my run today. Thank you

I just want to know even if things don’t work out and we do separate, I want to be able to say I genuinely tried . I am trying to understand him. I don’t want to say I knew this could be a big issue and didn’t try to understand it.

[This message edited by Countrygirl10 at 11:20 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]

hopefulkate posted 5/16/2019 12:34 PM

I have adhd. I was just diagnosed about two years ago. Hallelujah there was a reason for!!! Holy hell did I just think I was dumb, lazy, a flake....but I’m actually kind, considerate and a hard worker. At home I almost always leave the cupboards open, walk away from my dishes, or forget to even close the back door. I have been with MrKate for over 20 years now...and even though I now can remember to close the cupboards, ( after years of his ‘reminders’), I have days where it is just hard to focus and function. Thank god I breathe automatically!!

I have a masters degree, have worked in top firms and done some amazing things. Not because of adhd - though my problem solving and creativity are through the roof with awesomeness - but because I learned how to work with my brain. Socially and at home...not so much. 😬

Not too long after the affair, butong enough where I was starting to work on me, MrKate and I were reading about adhd together. He put his book down, looked at me, and said, “you know, a lot of people get divorced over this!”

....breathing...calming down, I replied...”you don’t say?” 😂
Oh he knew what he had said....but the truth is, unmanaged adhd can be awful for social connections.

Mindfulness, awareness, and coping strategies like notes everywhere or whatever works for that person can go a long way! On days that are too “foggy”, I take medicine for it. When I had to take the gre’s again, I took it. Wow what a difference!!! Usually that kind of activity is physically painful, but it was easy to sit through the exam on medicine.

Certain foods and supplements, like fish oil for omega 3 and dha can help too.

If the person wants to change and manage it, they can.

If they don’t, there isn’t any amount of learning you can do that will help. I hope that helps!

nekonamida posted 5/16/2019 12:42 PM

CG, if ADHD really did contribute to his cheating, why in the world would you give him a second chance without him seeking treatment? That's a recipe for failure. And if what you said it true - that people with ADHD get impulses to look for a new partner when their current partner becomes resentful - then how can he possibly resist getting a new OW because of your pain and resentment from his A?

I don't think you're wrong for exploring the possibility or trying to understand him but I think your plan on giving him another chance and accepting it as a reason without him seeking treatment isn't going to lead you to R. It's going to lead you to D.

dancin-gal posted 5/16/2019 13:28 PM

ADHD is no excuse .. my WS is very ADD .. no meds.. one thing he said in MC .. he is not able to be in the moment .. always felt like he was looking in a window watching the family interacting, he is aways thinking about his next project, next bike ride . Now since he ended his A .. he mentioned that he has enjoyed being in the moment.. he is a workaholic, an addiction in many ways as was the A . Someone who has ADHD , ADD .. needs understanding .as you learn to deal with some of the behaviors but as an excuse for an A nope ..

Countrygirl10 posted 5/16/2019 13:55 PM

Ohh the cupboard door statement! He does (well did he’s been much better) and the dishes just left around.

He actually admitted that he would realize he was doing those things though but knew I would go around and cleannit up at some point.

As for his cheating being fully adhd related. Possibly a little bit he knowing put himself in circumstances that could lead to it. So unless common sense lacks with the poor impulse control??
Like I said it all caught me off guard I was not expecting a reason to cheat to be adhd. To me it’s a choice to cheat. Anyway I just searched out information more for me to be able to know also for my son as he grows up. However yes to also help understand him. (I have stated in previous posts emotionally his cheating is likely a deal breaker for me relationship wise, and I do wonder if why he doesn’t seek help
Is due to this statement I just wanted to be honest with him) maybe I should not be saying we are working on it. More like working on coexisting under one roof for the sake of the kids. As much as he wants us to ‘be the way we were’ again he understands where I stand.

I still think he did it because he was looking out for his own needs/wants and nothing else. When i finally got the full truth I got statements like I knew I had done something wrong I just didn’t want to hurt you. Once I got it wasn’t intentional I didn’t go there for sex it just happened. (To me common sense says if you go into a bedroom and sit on a bed with someone you are sexually attracted to high risk of Something happening)
And I do also believe like you said with him not working on his issues will likely lead to a D as well. I can voice my concerns, acknowledge he understands my concerns but I can Not hold his hand to do it.

hopefulkate posted 5/16/2019 15:10 PM

I can't imagine using adhd as an excuse - and getting away with it. Surely I make a mess and walk away...but it is my responsibility to come back and clean it up. It is my responsibility to come up with a system that WILL help me remember to go to my appointments that I make. I WILL choose to put MrKate in charge of medicines for the kids 'cuz, yeah, that is just not in my wheelhouse.

I get the getting bored thing. I get the constant need for change. But to get that from another person? No, that is about something missing inside, self love and respect, and not a missing protein. See the difference?

Hmmm...actually... I'm going to go down this path or masturbating can stop the squirrel inside one's adhd head from running nonstop and all over the place. The intensity of emotions flood the brain and it's quiet...hallelujah it's quiet!...but exercise and medicine do that too. So, I get that adhd can make one *feel* addicted to the rush/change/physical feelings, but acting on them is just the choice of a selfish asshole that needs to grow up and get to therapy or the dr....and the gym.

Hurtbeyondtime posted 5/17/2019 01:08 AM

ADD/ADHD... has nothing to do with cheating.

I have it and I have multiple post graduate degrees and it it just means that we have to work that much harder to get through things than others. But I never used it as a crutch. In fact I never knew I had it until I was an adult. We weren’t diagnosed then so I had to do things with out meds and learn techniques that would help me focus.
I also had photographic memory And auditory memory. It wasn’t 100 percent but even professors were astounded when I quoted them. Then other times I missed an entire conversation! I had to tape classes so I could review what I missed in my notes. Extra hard work to check myself. Unfortunately my DD has it but never grasped the concepts I learned just took the meds.
My fault as a parent but I was so distracted by my fWH EAs and then PAs that I checked out of life on antidepressants for years.
As a BS... with ADHD I can tell you post DDay 3 my memory is quite bad now. I have great difficulty focusing at work even 7 years out.
Has anyone gotten meds to help the BS?
Back to your initial question..
Don’t give your WS a pass or excuse because he has ADHD.

Oh I edited to add my fWH has ADD and it Seriously affected our marriage too in that no project ever was finished unless he was into it it never got done. His art is something else of it interesting to him otherwise I have tons of unfinished works too.
I do all the taxes because he says he just can’t read through it and cannot understand it. Funny how when I ask about something related to his artwork he understands it perfectly.

[This message edited by Hurtbeyondtime at 1:13 AM, May 17th (Friday)]

nekonamida posted 5/17/2019 12:06 PM

I do wonder if why he doesn’t seek help

He doesn't seek help because you're not requiring it and he doesn't believe he really need it. He believes apologizing, acting sad, and convincing you to just go back to normal is all he needs to do to stay married to you. And so far it's working.

Think about it. If you wanted your marriage as badly as he says he does, wouldn't you be doing anything and everything to keep it including seeking treatment for the medical condition which led to you almost losing the marriage? This isn't any different than him making messes for you to clean up. He knows that if you do the work to shove down your feelings and go back to giving him love, attention, and intimacy, he doesn't have to do any work himself.

Look, my husband has ADHD too. His medication isn't perfect because he can't take what's normally prescribed due to other health issues but it does make a big difference and leaving things out, not cleaning up a spill, little stuff like that is just part of it. But what isn't part of it is him expecting me to clean up after him. He always apologizes and does it himself if I bring it up to him. This isn't just an issue with ADHD. It's an issue with your WH's selfishness and entitlement to make you do his work for him.

maybe I should not be saying we are working on it. More like working on coexisting under one roof for the sake of the kids

Is seeing their mom angry, depressed, and being harassed by dad good for them though? Would you want your son or daughter to grow up and be in a marriage like yours? What's best for the kids is happy, healthy parents whether they're together or separated.

sisoon posted 5/17/2019 13:18 PM

I was not expecting a reason to cheat to be adhd. To me it’s a choice to cheat.
AD(H)D isn't a reason to cheat, but the distractability, lack of impulse control, lack of focus just make it easier to choose wrong.

Why close cupboard doors? Someone will just have to open them again. We used to live in old apartments. Roaches taught me to clear and wash dishes quickly. My W's big complaint is that I don't put papers away - but if I do that, I'll never find them again.

I do not love ADD, although I like what it allows me to do. The problem is that I didn't learn about my strengths until late in my working life.

He doesn't seek help because you're not requiring it and he doesn't believe he really need it.
That's probably true, but.... I waited over 10 years after I learned about AD(H)D before I got tested. I felt so bad about myself that I was afraid of a negative result. Without testing, I could tell myself, 'Maybe ADD is my problem.' If I got tested, and it wasn't ADD, then I had/was nothing. IOW, hopelessness may play a part in avoiding treatment.

The key test comes when you make treatment a requirement - if he does it, maybe he's a candidate for R. If he doesn't, you pretty much know he's not.

His medication isn't perfect because he can't take what's normally prescribed due to other health issues....
After many years on Adderall XR, I had to stop using it, either, due to high blood pressure. (Originally, my bp went down on Adderall XR. My doc hypothesized a quieter brain lowered my bp. The effect went away during what later I learned was my W's A.)

My shrink has me on amantadine. The effect is more subtle and not as strong as stimulants, but it seems to take the edge off my distractability.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:24 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

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