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I am a total idiot

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Lalagirl posted 5/9/2019 13:01 PM

my wh wont talk to me in person

he goes to the dollar store and gets me some red vines

asked if I still wanted to go to the movies this weekend with the kids and him

Oh the damage control he is TRYING to do.

I think he is getting that you're not playing anymore. An "open M" - seriously? His world is about to get rocked and you're going to be in the driver's seat this time, Kalma.

No shame in trying to make a long-term M work. It is your WH who should feel shame. IMO, he's not capable because it's all about him. It's sad and sick, but no longer your circus nor your monkey.

Get thee to an attorney asap so you can get the financial logistics in order.

People. Listen to the advice you get here! If you don't like it, then it's even more important for you to listen. posters aren't paid. They have no skin in the game. They can offer a valuable perspective from their own experiences and from the outside looking in. I was a fool to brush off all your advice I am so sorry

Please, no apologies! But perhaps down the road when you get through all of this mess, you can "pay it forward"...share your experience with the newbies in JFO.

Sending strength & hugs,


edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 1:02 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

Kalma posted 5/9/2019 14:01 PM

I got the job! They had me sit with 4 managers who all asked the same things. I am so grateful for the chance to prove myself. I just have to pass a background check which might be a while since their system has been down for a week. But by the end of the month i hope to begin my job.

On a side note wh said via text that its best if I tell the kids about why i got a job and the impending divorce because I am emotionless. Sure. I will tell them as gently as I can. My oldest was told yesterday. He was the last one of his friends with his parents together. Now he is one of the group in all ways. I am telling my 15 year old tonight when I pick her up. I have to tell my 11 year old tomorrow after school. I feel like a shitty parent for not being able to keep it a secret until school ends, but my job begins first. And I lied about why I moved my bed into the basement already. So gonna suck it up and do the right thing. Divorce dropped on me, got anjob, told my kids about divorce, and my birthday ON Mother's Day all over less than a week. BEST. WEEK. EVER.

[This message edited by Kalma at 2:05 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

SilverStar posted 5/9/2019 14:46 PM

This is going to be a bad birthday/Mother's Day. But you know what, from here on out, things are looking UP. This is as bad as it's going to get.

Never again will this man give you another DDay.

At not even 40, you are a youngster! The next half of your life will be what you make it. You get to decide who, what, where and when. You will have a wonderful time getting to know yourself, and only the very best will do to be Mr. Next, if you even want that.

You are already on your way to financial peace.

Your children already know you were there and that you tried. Someday they will know you did the right thing standing up for yourself in the face of what your H wanted you to do. Your children, male and female, will learn that a person treating their spouse that way loses their family.

Find a way to care for yourself on your birthday. Definitely enjoy your cake.

Carissima posted 5/9/2019 14:57 PM

Tell your children about the divorce, tell them the truth in an age appropriate way.
Then move on to the positives, tell them about your new job (congratulations by the way, that's fantastic news), maybe even get them to help with a few plans for the future, if it's not to hard.
I would encourage you not to ignore your birthday, make plans with your kids, just ignore your WH. It'll be hard, but you've got your new job, your new start, be strong and take care.

Charity411 posted 5/9/2019 15:18 PM

Congratulations on getting the job Kalma! You are going to be fine. Take one step at a time. We're rooting for you.

OptionedOut posted 5/9/2019 15:54 PM


So he wants to take you and the kids to the movies. And he wants an OPEN marriage.

Get him to text you that. And then send it to skankella.

I'd also tell skankella's spouse or SO. Let's see if everyone else is okay with this shit show.

You hold your chin up. You gave him love he'll never know the likes of with women slutty enough to sleep with a married man.

Svon posted 5/9/2019 16:04 PM

Kalma, check with an attorney before getting a “shitty” job. If you have been a sahm for years than your soon to be ex husband will have to support you to an equivalent lifestyle in which he lives. If you have any income now, than it will be factored into the equation and alimony lessened because of it. At the very least your husband will have to pay to have you re-educated in a career. I would never take a crappy job if it will only help him. His money is half yours. You earned it. Take no shame in taking it to support yourself.

numb&dumb posted 5/9/2019 16:05 PM

The advice we give here sometimes is very direct. Believe me I don't think anyone takes any pleasure in knowing we were right. (Rather we hope we were very wrong).

I think you find more understanding here than you think you will.

Also wanting to believe your spouse is not all bad. It shows that you wanted to trust your spouse. That is what we are supposed to do. However once they prove themselves untrustworthy that reflects on them not on you.

Don't apologize for being a loving and trusting spouse. There is 100% nothing wrong with that.

1Faith posted 5/9/2019 16:13 PM

Congratulations on getting the job. They are lucky to have you. One step forward.

Happy early birthday and Mother's Day. You are a good mother and his choice to cheat doesn't change that for a second. Be kind to you. Celebrate you even though it is hard.

If I may, his sorry ass needs to move to the basement not you. He chose to cheat. He gets the basement and he should feel lucky his ass isn't on the curb.

Your WH is manipulating you. He is cake eating. Hey, I want to be a good guy and have my side piece too. Let's go to the movies. Uh, no. It doesn't quite work that way. Don't engage unless it is about the kids.

Look up the 180 in the Healing Library. Time to detach (I know it is hard but it is in you and your children's best interst).

Keep posting and know we are all here rooting you on.

(((hugs and prayers)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:14 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 5/9/2019 16:26 PM

   Posted: 4:04 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2019Kalma, check with an attorney before getting a “shitty” job. If you have been a sahm for years than your soon to be ex husband will have to support you to an equivalent lifestyle 

Please do this. Now if your POSSTBX doesn't earn much and you guys are barely surviving it may not matter and being able to financially and physically separate now may be more important. But dont start earning some income prior to seeing an attorney.

Tallgirl posted 5/9/2019 17:34 PM

Congrats on getting the job !!! ((((Kalma))))

Please take care of yourself. You are not an idiot - I think all of us wonder how we didn't know, or why we trusted, or if we are worthy. That is normal...

Some of us are committed to our M and partners and are guided by morals. Sadly our partners either weren't who we thought or change.

This is an awful time - one day at a time, one moment at a time, you will be ok.

Try to find some peace and congratulate yourself on getting that job! Well done.

I'm sorry you have to tell your kids, it's crushing, I remember. In time, it will be ok.

They need you to be strong -it so hard at one of the worst times of your life, you can do this!

Ice cream, chocolate, and whine and wine both help:) as does sleep and exercise.

Thinking of you.

HopeinGod posted 5/12/2019 17:21 PM

Hello Kalma, I'm sorry you are suffering (again). You tried and tried to make things work, so be kind to yourself. Congrats on your job at Walmart! That's a good place to work. I understand that the benefits are good and hopefully you got a full time job. When you talk to your wh, you will maintain your dignity by staying cool and calm and speaking only about the necessary things such as housing, finances and the kids. The kids' well being is critical to maintain and I'm wondering if you have considered counseling for them and for yourself? You indicate you are struggling to tell your daughters, may I suggest speaking to a counselor to help you with that? May I send you a phone number you can call to speak to a counselor? The first call is free. Let me know if you are interested, blessings

[This message edited by HopeinGod at 5:24 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

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