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sex talk

Countrygirl10 posted 5/7/2019 16:56 PM

Let me start by saying
Years ago I agreed to a open marriage (very one sided and very much brought on by him and his Ďwants/needs).
Hind sight worst idea ever but I truly thought at the time it was a good idea.
Prior to the cheating we would both take part in sex chats with other couples/females. As well as pictures/videos being swapped.
When I found out about him blantly disrespecting my requests if he was with another couple/female. All that stopped right away.
He deleted every sight, every app, everything.. he even began changing how he treated me.


Now a bit over 2 months out he now says I need sex every day. We need to have more sex. Can I have sex chats with other people with you knowing nothing will actually happen sexually.
He knows I feel like I am not enough in regards to his sexual needs (mind you he knows I dont want to have sex with him but I do because I also know if I donít in time he would find it elsewhere and we are trying to work things out.. Needless to say the lights are off and itís more casual sex then actual passionate sex itís about twice a week now)
Thing is I would like some insight here. I understand my circumstances are likely very different but his changes outside of these sex desires are positive but there is no way Iím ok with what he is asking about his Ďneed for sex talksí
yes, he has asked me to send things to him and I donít. I truest donít want to and even when I try I just canít do it.
And yes he has asked me for daily sex
Again, even before this daily never happened it was about 2-4 times a week.

Why does sex have to be such a big problem (for lack of a better way to word this). I lost all those desires when he cheated and blantly disrespected me. I really feel our sex wants/needs is going to ruin us.
But why is he truly genuinely trying with behavior changes. But sex is just overtaking. I swear all he things about all day is sex. Iím just so confused can that desire be so over powering when being told Ď not tonightí leads to either a fight or a adult version of a temper tantrum, or just constant nagging for sex.


cancuncrushed posted 5/7/2019 17:10 PM

I am unqualified to answer...I will voice my experience...How old are you?

I ask, because STXWH starting demanding sex everyday...masterbating everyday....after 3 years of ED...He was on testosterone shots...I think he was taking too much...I also know, he got Viagra....with some results, it took him over the top...to crazyvilleÖ We are older...he was so excited to have sex return.

He struggled with controlling himself...we stopped going out...to eat, etc...he would stare at, follow strange women...he couldn't stop it...

HE demanded it from me. constantly..grabbing..trying to peak under....I said no...

I absolutely know this is not your issue...but the pressure is similar....no is no...when they are acting in an unattractive way....you don't have to agree..you can like what you like......you can hate what you hate...you can talk and compromise..his demands are not the only way...

YOu never have to have sex if you don't want to...you don't have to have it in a way you don't want to...and someone demanding it...being overly needy, can be a turnoff...

Dont be afraid to say no...don't be afraid to talk it out...don't be afraid to ask for what you want...control your sex life....he can conform, agree and make efforts...or he can choose differently...

This was a big part of what ruined us..it happened after an A...it felt like a continuation of disrespect for me...it felt like he was out of control still...he was obsessed.. It was far from attractive. I had to avoid him...

This could be funny...after an A...it didn't feel funny...I was very much in pain...I tried explaining it...I suggested we go to the dr. and explain the issues...HE would not have it...he liked feeling 16 again.

We are Ding...and he feels 16 again...somewhere else. Hes 60. This certainly wouldn't help in healing, or future A possibilities. There was no hope here.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 5:27 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Countrygirl10 posted 5/7/2019 17:42 PM

Cancuncrushed. I am 35 he is 36.

But yes I feel itís similar In regards to the demands, however he is nice about how he says it.
But I agree itís a blantant disrespect that he just canít seem to control. He has been to the doctor and a side effect of one of the meds is not being as sexually active. He has told me if this happens it will Hurt him, yet understand that it would help me. He seems to care about my feelings but when he said that itís like heís going to in time choose a different med if this happens so he doesnít feel less of a man.

When I held to my guns with no absolutely not no sex.
He would say Ďare you waiting for me to failí Ďdo you enjoy watching me sufferí Ďletís try putting your negative feelings aside and have lots of sex like we used to see if it goes awayí

Like really it took all I had not to loose my temper on him with these statements, and yes sometimes I did but I have gotten much better about calmly expressing my thoughts about this topic.

He will literally stare at me and say things like most people would appreciate their husband finding their wife as attractive as I find you.
Itís like he knows what to say to make me feel bad because that statement is correct most women would kill for that. However making love means 2 parties feel that genuine full love, and he knows I donít love him like I once did It is all just so confusing.

I try to compromise with sex I know it canít be all about my feelings since we are trying to make it work but this topic all the hard work input in to just figure me out and where I want to be this just drags me right back down. It just stinks :(

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/7/2019 19:13 PM

He's not remorseful. If he were, he would find a way to curtail this. Absolutely no chats with other women. That's ridiculous.

If he can't commit to being faithful if he doesn't get what he wants, why are you staying?

Countrygirl10 posted 5/7/2019 20:01 PM

Cocoplus5nuts
I agree with that At times... if that makes any sence ??

Thatís why I am so confused he has been helping around the house, spending more time with the kids, even finding time to make it to their soccer games.
But this sex thing i just canít wrap my head around it at all.
It really is pushing me away :(
Itís like he never has enough to feed that part of him.
I would never let our marriage open back up again and Iím sure itís hard to stop that cold turkey but what he says can just be so manipulative so I crave to his Ďneedsí I just do t get it :(

Loukas posted 5/7/2019 20:37 PM

Hey Countrygirl, it doesnít really sound to me like you two are having any actual sex talks. All I hear is you constantly trying to accommodate and comprise and him being led around by his dick.

Seriously, he sounds like a child. And I donít mean that to insult either of you, just that he has a lot of growing up to do. Is his desire for sex everyday unreasonable? No. But that doesnít mean itís going to happen, which is ok too.

The problem I see here goes far beyond the sex talk though. Lack of boundaries within your marriage would be one starting point. Iím not here to criticize you for ďagreeingĒ to an open marriage. You already admit it was a bad idea. I do have one question about it though...because you did say you thought it was a good idea at the time. Did you actually think it was a good idea, something you were happy with or did it feel like you resigned to the idea?

I have a friend, her husband spent years trying to talk her into an open marriage. She was never a big fan of the idea, she always carried a more conventional idea of marriage, so she didnít agree. As years went on, their marriage started to fade. To spark things up again, her husband brought back the idea of an open marriage. Once again, she still wasnít interested, but she could see that all wasnít well in the marriage either. Reluctantly, one day, she finally agreed to opening up the marriage. She had hoped that maybe it could bring back the spark.

I met this woman a couple years after she had agreed to open the marriage. We were in a divorce support group together. As she shared her story for the first time, tears pouring down her face, I fully expected to hear the usually cries of grief and loss, but I didnít. Instead, she spoke about betraying herself. How she betrayed her own values and sense of identity. She cried about how exhausted she felt and how lost she had become. She never envisioned herself as divorced, but the lengths she had gone to avoid it, had cost her so much more.

I donít tell that story to project it on to you. Just to say, as I read through all your posts on this site, I just couldnít help but feel her pain through your words. I do wonder, though, how exhausted have you become? I mean itís been years.

I wish I could offer some helpful advice with regards to the sex talks. If I were talking to your husband, I know exactly what Iíd say. But for you, all I can offer is this - whatever you decide, be true to yourself. Men are more than a dick. While a sexual relationship is important in most marriages, your husband has decided sex is more important than you.


Adaira posted 5/7/2019 21:19 PM

Thatís why I am so confused he has been helping around the house, spending more time with the kids, even finding time to make it to their soccer games.

So heís doing the absolute bare minimum as a partner and he also wants sex every single day - and threatens to get it elsewhere if you donít put out? And this is ďworking on things?Ē No no no no no.

ChamomileTea posted 5/7/2019 21:37 PM

...he has been helping around the house, spending more time with the kids, even finding time to make it to their soccer games

Does he need a cookie?
Seriously, those are things he's supposed to be doing as a husband and father.

I'm not sure what else you can do to pull this thing out of the ditch. Maybe send him to a CSAT(certified sex addiction therapist) for evaluation? If he's hyper-sexual and it's destroying his family dynamic, maybe a therapist can get to the bottom of why.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/8/2019 07:42 AM

he has been helping around the house, spending more time with the kids, even finding time to make it to their soccer games.

I see I'm not the only one who picked up on this.

This is the bare minimum a parent and partner should do. This has nothing to do with remorse about his cheating or trying to R. He's, basically, trying to appease you so that you will rugsweep.

What do you expect of him for R?

Countrygirl10 posted 5/8/2019 07:55 AM

Loukas
Yeah your friends expierence would be exactly how I feel as well.No I honestly did not want to open up the marriage he too begged for years before I agreed. With lots of thought I agreed mainly because I did not want to be in this predicament as well as to spice things up. I donít k ow the truth be he swears there was never any emotional feelings toward these partners it was just for sex. And when I do really talk about this I do say things like how did I let myself get into this predicament marriage should not be this way regaurding sex. Thatís between 2 people.

Adairís and chamomile tea I agree these are things he should have been doing since day one Iíve said that to him way before this even happened. He now admits he did do all this because he knew I would do it. And thereís times where I have even said do you want a cookie when he brings up I am doing xYZ, doesnít that account for anything I have changed.
I have even mentioned that change may be way to late. He is constantly saying Ďletís jist go back to the way things were excluding the open sex part and see if you still feel
This way in months.
It just stinks he did participate in a few SA meetings (he once said when all this came to light he was a sex addict) now after going to these he says thereís no way I am a sex addict.

Deep down when I really have that light of my true feelings I feel like he will Never be able to control this no matter how much sex we have or any of the other sexual desires. He has never been faithful to any of his relationships prior I really wish all the red flags I now see I saw over 10 yrs ago when we met.
But then also in those moments I do see how caring he can be and once was.
It stinks :( just wish I had a magic ball to tell me what to do because I shut down and distances myself from him emotionally and I know thatís likely not healthy.

Countrygirl10 posted 5/8/2019 08:00 AM

Cocoplus5nuts

I honestly donít even know what I expect from R.
I just know I donít want to be treated the way I was and definitely dont want him sleeping around. Or throwing little tantrums when he doesnít get what he wants.
I am just starting to see a therapist for the first time next week Iím hoping to get some light on what I expect and to look for I have read tons on here and itís finally starting to click for minimum expectations..
With my wh I have been honest (sometimes brutally honest) with my thoughts and feelings but I want him on the same page as my feelings and thoughts. Right now they are all a mess.

numb&dumb posted 5/8/2019 08:14 AM

Ok I think everyone is thinking this, but I will be the one to say it.

His behavior fits the definition of an addict. Do you think that might be the issue here ? It seems like he keeps pushing and testing boundaries to see what is allowable ans is not allowable. I think a heart to heart regarding what boundaries you are comfortable with are in order.

Prior to meeting my wife I had an open relationship that quite honestly was a disaster. It began as a FWB and eventually once emotions began to enter we had to call it more than that. We tried to keep what we had and retain some freedom. Anyway, she got jealous, I got jealous. We weren't really a couple. We two people that fought and made up with sex. Some people love the make up break up cycle. It can be exciting at times, but can kill your sense of yourself (which coincidentally a lot of open relationships try to maintain). In the end I realized I really had no respect or patience for that kind of drama.

I learned that It was just not for me. Cest la vie.

The thing is that you know that isn't something that you want in a relationship. Sometimes a M can go from open to closed and survive. The communication required for either option is what you need to decide if you two are capable or not.

It is exhausting to be the one to rebuff these kinds of advances. Further I know that rejection is not an easy thing to take for a sustained period of time.

I do think that the addict portion of this is what warrants immediate attention.

sisoon posted 5/8/2019 09:37 AM

My experience is much different from n&d's, but I agree with him. I believe W & I got together at a younger age than n&d and his W. We read Open Marriage in '68 or '69, and of course we had read Stranger in a Strange Land. We considered the argument and decided it wasn't for us.

Your H looks like an addict.

Gently, you can't R with an addict who is active in his addiction. His 'need' for his drug will always be more important than his W & family and anything else. I urge you to require your H to find a good IC, and commit to making himself a good partner. A good CSAT is probably the best option, but a good IC may have to do, if he can't find a CSAT.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:27 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/8/2019 11:22 AM

Your first step is to figure out what you want. You can't move forward in any way without that.

LilBlackCat posted 5/8/2019 12:25 PM

Yeah, he sounds like an addict..

I, in my marriage, had the higher sex drive.. and yes, would often times try to get more than WW wanted to give out. That never swayed my intent of holding true to my vows.

In general, sex.. Should be a compromise, not just from one partner.. but both. When limits are reached or boundaries crossed.. We all know that some are worse than others. Should there be hard "No's", of course.

But it should be kept in context, cause it's no secret that both sides at one point or another will try to approach a hard no again in hopes of swaying the other partner to change their mind.

I personally believe that once one person steps out and involves another person, the idea of compromise or negotiation for acts or frequency.. Goes out the window.. and is now a serious problem.

Countrygirl10 posted 5/9/2019 11:13 AM

YES he definitely has a addictive personality.
He did once say he was a sexual addict. However now he says he does not have a sexual addiction after participating in 5 sex addict meetings.

Looking at this in a addictive way I ha e seen him personally leave one addiction and find something else to become addicted to. Example: when I first met him he had a huge gamboling addiction, and I do believe he left that addiction and focused more on sex. Now that is starting to make sence
He also has said before he is addicted to some meds he takes daily (lorazepam).

He definitely is also still in that addictive personality for sex even today he said I have been researching low libedo for women and there a prescription you can take. Would you take it? I did say I would ask my obgyn my next appointment however I really personally donít think it is that low of a Libido libido it was 2-4 times a week. He just Ďwantsí it at least once a day.

I highly doubt he will ever see a ic he refused to let me go see one, u til I flat out said I called out insurance and found a ic and made a appointment (he has said if I go to a ic I will realize I can do better then him and leave, however just last week he has said I think itís good your going to go) we did however pay for one of those destination 4 Day MC it is scheduled for October.
This definitely has me looking at things in a entirely different way addiction, boundaries (I always said it was him being needy/stubborn/not accepting a no)

ChamomileTea posted 5/9/2019 12:58 PM

Sexual addiction "meetings" sounds like maybe a 12-step program? It's a method used by quite a number of CSATs. The gamboling addiction would also have likely been treated in a 12-step. So, if he only attended 5 meetings, how could he have possibly worked the program? If I'm not mistaken, another course of treatment is often sexual abstinence until the addiction is under control. Was there any period of abstinence that you can remember during treatment? What methods were utilized by the therapist?

It really doesn't sound like he's put any work into this or that he's taking it seriously.

Countrygirl10 posted 5/9/2019 15:30 PM

I honestly do not know what type of sa he does. All I know is he calls from his cell. It is not a in person meeting.
He said he is to embarrassed to go to a meeting with fear he will know someone there. (We do love in a small state so I understand that but my BP goes up cause he had no problems telling people what he was doing )

I 100% agree he has not put much effort into this
(Well some he did delete any and all websites and apps he was using to find these people.)
But in my opinion he is scared/undesired to do much more. I donít really push it either I am very much a easy going person and I feel like it is on him to figure it out. I would not even know where to begin (All I have ever said about this is if you think you have a problem it likely is a good idea to find help for it)

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