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Should have left 2 years ago..

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cards3217 posted 4/23/2019 08:51 AM

I haven't posted on here in 2 years, and I can't figure out how to find my previous post. I found out my (then fiance, now husband) was chatting with women on dating sites 2 months before our wedding. Now I realize I should have left then, but I still loved him and he was remorseful, and I had hope we could make things work. I went through with the wedding, and we should be celebrating our 2 year anniversary in 2 weeks.

But, instead of being happy and making plans for our anniversary weekend that I have scheduled to be off work, I'm meeting with a lawyer today to plan on filing for divorce. Over the course of our marriage, I have caught him on dating sites multiple (6-7) times. I had to travel for work a lot the first 18 months of our marriage, and every time I returned home, something felt off. The times that I did snoop, I found something. Porn, chat rooms, dating sites, hookup sites, google searches for horny women near me, etc.

The last time I found something was after returning from visiting a friend on Memorial Day weekend of last year. He had been on a "loney wife finder" website, Plenty of Fish, and Tinder. That was the first time that instead of being remorseful, he was mad at me for snooping. I told him we needed to do counseling, but he refused. He will not admit that he has a problem. He also told me that I was not "allowed" to pursue counseling myself. I told him then that if I ever caught him doing this again, I was leaving. Done.

I've thought for the last 10 months that maybe he's figured out how to be more faithful and has worked through his sex addiction, but I think he's just gotten better about hiding it. I hadn't had to travel for work recently until last month where I had to travel 2 weeks during one month. When I returned from the second trip, I discovered that he had been on Plenty of Fish (and probably other sites), and had messaged several women. This was when he was on a day trip in another town, so I have no idea if he actually met up with any of the women, or if things have gotten physical during any of his issues.

He does not know yet that I know. He thinks he got away with it again. He told me the last time that he would have eventually came clean about it, but that I freaked out too soon. It's been nearly 2 weeks and he hasn't confessed, so that was obviously a lie. We do not have children together, only a dog that I adore. I do not want to deal with this for the rest of my life, and don't want to bring a child into this mess. So I am planning on divorcing him, but could use some support. I have leaned on my family and friends in the last week since DD last Monday.

OptionedOut posted 4/23/2019 09:01 AM

(((Cards)))

I have no real advice except document, document, document. Since he was out of town, check credit card statements, phone records.

But I commend you on your strength and how put-together you are about this. In your shoes, I'd do the same thing. I'm so glad that at this stage in your life that you have firm boundaries. Stick to them!

We're here for you. Anytime.

Dismayed2012 posted 4/23/2019 09:13 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation cards.

Because you have no children or real entanglements I don't know that you need documentation of his activities. If you have it of course hang on to it just in case.

I'd recommend that you start separating your accounts and anything else that's joint. I'd also recommend that you not get angry but rather stay resolved and adamant about your direction. Don't allow yourself to be lulled by him or anyone else into thinking that he can fix himself. You've obviously given him over two years and he's chosen to continue with his behavior. You are more than justified in divorcing. Don't second-guess yourself.

By taking the action that you're taking, you're giving yourself options. You have the potential to have a good life; a life free from drama; a life with a person who'll actually be faithful. You will however need to evaluate the type of men you tend to choose as partners. If you choose the same type of man you're going to end up with similar results. You'd do well to fix your 'picker' or at least adjust it before getting back into the market. Again, you have the potential to have a great life. Don't spend any more of it with broken men. Take care of yourself.

BearlyBreathing posted 4/23/2019 09:20 AM

You are getting yourself out of infidelity! Congratulations! It is not easy but you are strong, level headed, and resilient. You will survive.

Get your financial ducks lined up, get STD testing, get support as needed-IC, a good friend, SI-and stay the course.

I am sorry it came to this, but he has major issues. You deserve better. Ps-hope you take the dog, too!

sewardak posted 4/23/2019 09:28 AM

full support here. I would do the exact same thing. Make sure his parents know why.

dancin-gal posted 4/23/2019 09:31 AM

As someone who has been married to a person who lies and picked up women for many years .. I found out when my kids were young .. I thought about divorce .. and put my children first.. second time was a yr long Affair .. he promised and did some work enough to fool me and our MC .. he continued the A with the ow .. it was an emotional A ( sex when he was in her town ) phone calls than being together in the past 17 years .. think they saw each other maybe once or twice a year .. he is starting IC again asked for time .. to really find out why he returned to her ..
you have no children .. please leave and donít look back ..

dancin-gal posted 4/23/2019 09:31 AM

As someone who has been married to a person who lies and picked up women for many years .. I found out when my kids were young .. I thought about divorce .. and put my children first.. second time was a yr long Affair .. he promised and did some work enough to fool me and our MC .. he continued the A with the ow .. it was an emotional A ( sex when he was in her town ) phone calls than being together in the past 17 years .. think they saw each other maybe once or twice a year .. he is starting IC again asked for time .. to really find out why he returned to her ..
you have no children .. please leave and donít look back ..

cards3217 posted 4/23/2019 09:34 AM

I don't have a ton of documentation - but I have screenshots of his email account confirming his registration to POF, and notification of the multiple messages. He was on a business trip so there are no expenses on our credit card, and his phone is a work phone so I do not have access to his phone records.

I have been spending the last week getting my ducks in a row financially, which I am concerned about. He has spent so much money on a truck project the last year that I will be left in a bad financial state. I have documented those expenses to see if that can help me in some way, though.

I have definitely realized that I need to be more picky when it comes to men in the future.

I do plan on trying to take the dog with me, and think I have a good case if he tries to fight me on it.

I will also be telling his family - his dad is a very Christian man who does not believe in divorce so I know he will be contacting me once he finds out. I will tell them everything.

Thank you all for the support.

max2018 posted 4/23/2019 10:15 AM

getting my ducks in a row financially, which I am concerned about. He has spent so much money on a truck project the last year that I will be left in a bad financial state

This can be fixed, your cheating WH can't

Run for you life

doneX10 posted 4/23/2019 10:19 AM

From yet another seasoned BW, and if you need another nugget of support, you have more than enough and you've made the right decision (2 years or 20, it sucks). He got mad at you for snooping? And you're not "allowed" to pursue counseling? Oh, boy. I'm so sorry he couldn't pull it together, his loss. He's shown you exactly who he is before children were in the picture. Thank goodness for small favors.

CrossedArrow posted 4/23/2019 10:43 AM

To prove I had proof, I disclosed all my techniques to her. She only adjusted her ways. That was nearly 11 years ago.

You don't want to be in this position. I am here to protect my daughters from her example. I hope you can read between the lines of what I am suggesting. Because I have another four (4) years before my younger girl is in college.

cards3217 posted 4/23/2019 10:53 AM

CrossedArrow - I know what you are saying. He has gotten better at hiding things and I think that's why it's seemed like he has been "good" for the past nearly year. I am not going to disclose to him even what I have proof of, because I want to use it as negotiating. What he did was done on a work provided phone while at a work conference.. and his company monitors their phone usage and will look back if something is reported. So threatening him with any proof will spook him, not that I would inform his employer.. but I plan to use it as a scare tactic.

DIFM posted 4/23/2019 11:03 AM

I am sorry it turned out this way for you. I support your D as a way to escape the trauma of infidelity.

One observation. You mentioned several times of his remorse. He was never remorseful. By definition, never. Maybe something else like regret...maybe. No remorse. No empathy. No contrition.

Stay strong. You have a bright future.

Bigger posted 4/23/2019 11:06 AM

What negotiations?
With 2 years of marriage and no kids divorce should be relatively straight-forward.
I can more-or-less guarantee that any documentation you got will have minimal impact on his job or decisions.
Itís not as if you have to prove to him that you know. All you need is that YOU are convinced.

cards3217 posted 4/23/2019 11:11 AM

DIFM - You are correct that he was never truly remorseful. He had me convinced that he was at one point, but if he was he wouldn't have continued the behavior.

Bigger - The negotiations I'm referring to are just on the who gets what type of things in our divorce. There isn't much to fight over aside from money, shared assets and our dog. I know I won't get as much money as I hope (I have not protected myself financially like I should have) but the dog is what I'm referring to - I know he will try to fight me on taking him because it's the last thing he knows will hurt me even more. I don't really know how animals work in a divorce, but hopefully I can clarify that this afternoon when I meet with the attorney

cards3217 posted 4/23/2019 11:13 AM

I know it may sound silly to be that concerned about a dog with everything I have going on, but that dog is going to be one of the biggest things that will help me through this.

Bigger posted 4/23/2019 11:17 AM

Do you have to pay a license fee or register dogs in your area?
Where did you get him? Who paid?
Who paid the registration/license?
Who paid the vet for his annual worm-shots and checkup?
Btw Ė if the dog isnít licensed and a license is required then go get him registered Ė in YOUR name.
---
Too often newly betrayed people will hang on to some pretext to avoid the next step. Thatís why Iím pushing you regarding the info.

sewardak posted 4/23/2019 11:19 AM

completely understand about the dog. you need him.

psychmom posted 4/23/2019 11:26 AM

Wow, Cards. You've been through hell and back over the past 2 years. I'm amazed at your strength and determination to get yourself out of this toxic situation.

So he told you you were not allowed to pursue IC? What's up with THAT? F*ck him and his selfish, toxic wayward ways. You've got this, you're going to be just fine. I am sorry this has happened to you, but take the dog, see an IC if you choose, and know that there was NOTHING you could have done to change this person into a healthy human being. Take time to get to know yourself before jumping back into dating. The Conscious Living and Conscious Loving books by Gay Hendricks can be some good reading as we work to find ourselves again. All the best to you!

cards3217 posted 4/23/2019 11:27 AM

Bigger - everything regarding the dog has been done by both of us.

We purchased him from a friend of WH - paid in cash from our joint account. It was my idea to get the dog, but WH has fell in love with him also.

There is no registration required in my state, so neither of us have him registered. I'm not sure if theres a way for me to do that?

All of his vaccinations were done by a vet and the account is in both of our names. He was neutered by a (different) vet, and that account is also in both of our names. I'm considering calling the most recent vet and seeing if there's a way for me to get him removed from the account somehow.

The only thing I may have that helps me out, is that he is microchipped and I am the primary on that - I may go into the online account and remove him from it also.

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