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Pity Party! Come on in. The water's fine!

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WhoTheBleep posted 4/11/2019 08:21 AM

Beach dad and I are no longer dating. Although I'm a bit sad, my Spidey senses tell me it is for the best, and I likely dodged a bullet of some sort. Anyway, he served his purpose. It was fun and exciting and I learned that I DO, in fact enjoy the company of a man, and I am NOT dead inside as I thought I was.

On impulse, I created a REAL OLD account, paid for 6 months, and even uploaded photos of myself, this time. It's been 36 hours, and I suppose I'm "fresh meat" because I've gotten a couple of dozen messages and dozens of "likes.". I haven't responded to anyone. I actually do feel like a piece of meat. They all look like creeps. (I think I did this too soon, like a rebound). Only one message tempted me to respond, and that was because he admitted he was out of my age range, but he liked my profile comment about grammar and punctuation (Please use them!!).

I just have this feeling of sharks circling around me. And I hate it. What is WRONG with me??? I actually cried twice yesterday. I felt so overwhelmed. Not because of these new men, but because I'm even "out here" at this point in my life.

There is a male member, here on SI, who said he cried after every first date he had in the beginning, for the same reason: he was not supposed to be "out there" at this point in his life; but thanks to his WW, he was. That resonated with me.

I guess this is more of a vent. I know it will get easier. Spidey senses or not, I'm also sad BD didn't pan out. Whatever...sigh.

WornDown posted 4/11/2019 09:02 AM

My attempt at a pep talk:

Remember - you've got to kiss a lot of frogs to find the Prince.


Clearly - ignore the guys that give you the creeps. But, you'll (eventually) find a few that don't. Go on a few dates, have fun, but don't go in with any expectations.

I've found that shedding expectations allowed me to enjoy their company in the moment. Not all panned out, some by my choice, some theirs. But, I seem to have found one that I really like, and she me.

We shall see though - only been dating for ~2 months, so...fingers crossed.

mostlyhopeful posted 4/11/2019 09:52 AM

I could have written this myself, so I totally get it! Had a thing with a guy, it ended, probably for the best, but was sad. Signed up for OLD, people started liking me, and I cried multiple times because it made me feel so gross. I've been on it a while and still haven't responded to anything and it still makes me feel gross, but hopefully we just need some time! Hang in there. Just wanted to chime in and say I can relate.

CaliforniaNative posted 4/11/2019 09:57 AM

Exactly. Ignore the ones that you don’t want, flirt with the ones you do want. It’s no different then real life, except these men are saying “yes” based upon your pictures alone.

I have a different issue. Being close enough to Los Angeles (89 miles away) I see incredibly handsome men from all walks of life ( NASA, Actors, CEO, CTO, Entertainmentt Industry xyz) but because they are in LA, they might as well live in Mexico City with the traffic. I have video chatted with one actor and it makes me want to cry. So unfair and such a tease. I wish they would stay out of my feed. I just met someone I really like, but I do not want a relationship so I keep looking.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 9:59 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]

Chili posted 4/11/2019 10:23 AM

Hey Bleep - I loves me some pity parties! I have *the best* playlist for all kinds of woe is me get-togethers. Shall I dress in all black too?

I can't say I'm exactly sad about the whole BD situation from how you describe it. I do think those moments with him were exactly what you needed at the time. Not all of our relationships are meant to be life-long - and maybe ducking out before a bullet needed to be dodged was surely for the best.

I have zero advice for OLD stuff. Never have been experienced in the dating thing back in the day or with the new technologies.

That said, jumping into the OLD thing on impulse does not sound like it's feeling so great for you right now. Are you having a push-pull with yourself in trying not to isolate vs. putting the pressure on to have interactions you're not comfortable with? I mean, one would think dating is *supposed* to be fun (although OLD doesn't always get great marks around here). But you used words like: fresh meat, sharks circling, creeps. No wonder you feel a little yucky about it. A little torturous.

Do you think it would be helpful to switch up your thoughts on why you want to date? Liking that companionship of a man? Someone to do things with? Meeting new people in general? Having fun? FWBs? Just throwing things out there to put in the mix and help you go at it in a way that makes sense for Bleep.

ErinHa posted 4/11/2019 10:30 AM

I'm so sorry, that does suck. It's so different out there with online dating, you feel like a piece of fruit getting squeezed for firmness. Seems so superficial at first until you get to know someone. The fact that my XWH is the king of online dating makes me feel ill. I know dudes like him are out there.

But, it is effective in connecting with people and is really great. It stings to be out there again, none of us expected that yet here we are.

You learned a lot of really good things about yourself...that is so great and I'm proud of you! Keep your positive vibe going and your mind and heart open!

Candyman66 posted 4/11/2019 10:59 AM

I saw the comment about kissing a lot of frogs before meeting "Prince Charming" but the first time I heard that it was the opposite way, "You aren't going meet Prince Charming while you are busy kissing that frog".

KEEP your new found "Spidey sense's" I read an article once that stated that a woman's eye simply reacted to movement in the face they are looking at much faster than a man's eye does. If the movement is really quick her eye will send a signal to the brain and the man's won't. They then went on to theorize that it could be the basis for "women's intuition".

As a man I have no specific advice on how to proceed EXCEPT keep the aforementioned Spidey senses. Those came at great cost to you and will serve you well.

I am glad you found your time with Beach Dad as fun and exciting. It sounds like he has helped your confidence and self awareness. Please don't think of yourself as "meat", think of yourself as the (for lack of a better word) Prize!!


BobPar posted 4/11/2019 11:14 AM

Fist pump Bleep.
That sounds sad and hard about BD. Lots of deep feelings about the process of OLD. I wish I had some good advice about the overwhelming. The feeling tsunami. I hope your day gets better.

[This message edited by BobPar at 11:58 AM, April 11th, 2019 (Thursday)]

Phoenix1 posted 4/11/2019 13:02 PM

Sorry BD didn't work out, but if your gut was saying something wasn't right, I'm glad you listened to it.

I agree about keeping low expectations with OLD. Weed out immediate creepers, go for coffee if you find a guy you are interested in meeting, and think of it as making a new friend. Nothing more. Maybe something will blossom, maybe not. Either way, it's okay.

Have you tried any Meet Up groups? Perhaps "getting out there" doing something you enjoy may be a way of meeting someone more organically. You know, the old 'in person' thing. Yet another way to make friends and socialize a little with no pressure.

Above all, keep listening to your gut. Those Spidey Senses were honed under the most trying of circumstances. Trust them!

If you feel like a piece of meat, at least consider yourself Wagyu or Kobe beef! (Made you smile )

WhoTheBleep posted 4/11/2019 14:59 PM

You all are the best. Really. Thank you so much. Every single post is helpful!!

Have you tried any Meet Up groups?

Yes, many. And I'm usually the youngest there by 20 years, haha. But still super fun, and I've met some great people. I'll continue to go. A meet up adventure, last year, started a chain of events that led to me crossing a bucket list trip off my list last month (hiking in Moab, Utah!!!).

And that whole "kiss a few frogs" crap. I spent 19 years with a poisonous toad. No more frogs for me. I'm done!! Thanks!

Liking that companionship of a man? Someone to do things with? Meeting new people in general? Having fun? FWBs?

All of these are acceptable options, honestly. And what I have in mind. I deleted anyone looking for their "soulmate" or "wife." Or their "other half.". I specified I'm only interested in whole people.

Coincidentally, BD just reached out today. I've been honestly missing his friendship this past week. Whereas the physical was spectacular, we had some incredible intellectual conversations as well. I had been pretty curt with him last week when I cut contact. I suspect that stung a bit. I was stung, too, though. I just gave him a brief response as I was running out the door. The deal breaker Spidey sense things won't go away, and therefore long term is not possible for us, but do I need to surgically removed him from my life completely? We have a lot in common. Hmmm...the plot thickens...

Also, one man on OLD liked my profile, after I liked his. I might actually message him...

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 3:00 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 4/12/2019 19:36 PM

OMG...I'm currently listening to a podcast called "Dirty John" .

Complete sociopath met on an over 50s dating site.... terrible ending. It's a current Bravo show.

Trust your gut. Trust what you have learned on SI.

Learn to love you. Be OK if you will be alone. Nothing is worth a guy like Dirty John or one of his "cousins" that are found all over online dating.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/12/2019 19:53 PM

Chrysalis, I'm familiar with that story. Incredible what that daughter did. Amazing she not only survived, but killed him with a knife. Do you know the chances of that? When he was so much larger and stronger than her? Just a miracle.

I have verified on many platforms that BD is who he says he is. And I just had a very nice conversation with a man (outside my age range, but intelligent and kind, so I messaged him back) and I verified him as well. He's all over Google (photos as well) as a former federal agent and member of an exclusive club.

If I continue with this OLD thing, I won't meet anyone without outside verification of who they are. Fed agent recommended that, and I concur.

I gave BD a more lengthy response, and we are on friendly terms. I just need to guard my heart. Honestly, it feels like a weight was lifted. The pressure is off. Maybe casual dating is all I'm interested in at this point. And making new friends. Life is pretty good. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, I suppose.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:54 PM, April 12th (Friday)]

josiep posted 4/12/2019 20:32 PM

If you're struggling, imagine how i feel. I look at match dot com once in awhile and I just want to gag.

Cuz when you're in my age category, there only seem to be 2 types: the ones with those crazy eyebrows and rogue hairs growing out of their ears and noses or the ones leaning up against their car or surfboard trying to look suave and debonair.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/12/2019 20:58 PM

Josiep as always, you crack me up!! And what the actual f*** is with all the damned fish photos???? Want to blend? Hiding from authorities? Put a fish photo in your profile!!! You won't stand out at all! 11 million other men have the exact same photo!! We can't even SEE you, because you're holding a damn FISH in front of your face!!

Wasn't there a woman on here that said she automatically nixed fish guys? That leaves ZERO men here in Florida. Zero. Except federal agent, actually. He was very different. Stood out.

Fish rant over.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:59 PM, April 12th (Friday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 4/12/2019 21:05 PM

And Josiep, I'm in the age range where 80% of the men look like extras from the movie Goodfellas. And I'm Italian, still not working for me, especially with abusive STBX. Anyone who looks twice my size, with an overly masculine face gets skipped.

BD is a skinny, cardio-loving engineer. With a sometimes-goofy, sometimes-handsome face. He is very non-threatening. Man, I didn't realize how much my brain has changed since leaving my STBX. I don't want the beefy man, anymore. I want the nerd. Who knew??

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:06 PM, April 12th (Friday)]

CaliforniaNative posted 4/12/2019 23:52 PM

What’s funny is I am dating the polar opposite of XH. The man I am currently dating has a full head of hair, artistic, FUNNY, honest with a handsome face (according to my friends). My x was a balding lying jock (according to my friends). The only thing these two have in common is that they are both 5’11 and have a successful career.

Phoenix1 posted 4/13/2019 00:32 AM

In my case, what's funny is that SO is pretty much everything Xhole tried to portray himself as. There are sooo many common things in terms of what Xhole wanted to be, and SO actually does it. If (will never happen if I have any say) SO and Xhole ever engaged in convo, Xhole would try to impress with all his "wanna be" talents, like he always does, not realizing SO would show the depth of the fraud by exposing the poser for the sham he is. Watching Xhole make a fool of himself in front of the real deal would be entertaining, for me anyway. I'm sure SO would thoroughly enjoy it as well. He hates posers.

I guess I traded up, even if SO looks like he belongs in an outlaw MC gang (rebelling after almost 30 years of clean cut military life).

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 12:35 AM, April 13th (Saturday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 4/13/2019 06:19 AM

even if SO looks like he belongs in an outlaw MC gang (rebelling after almost 30 years of clean cut military life).

OK, I think I need to lighten up in the looks department. I have 2 cousins who look like this, and they are the kindest, gentlest men. One is even pursuing his PhD. I just need to bite the bullet and actually start meeting some of these men.

CharliB posted 4/13/2019 08:19 AM

I can relate to what you are saying. Have spent some time with OLD. Many first dates, a few that lasted a few months and one that lasted 4 months. Starting over again. I have had 4 dates with this latest one. I do believe that sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs and be willing to do so if you are tough enough for OLD. Just know what you are looking for and what you are not. Be willing to take calculated risks but never settle. I will admit I have become a bit jaded and my expectations have changed since I started this adventure. It was an adventure I would have never chosen to be on. My XWH was supposed to be my one and only. That's my 2 cents.

josiep posted 4/13/2019 12:53 PM

Josiep as always, you crack me up!! And what the actual f*** is with all the damned fish photos???? Want to blend? Hiding from authorities? Put a fish photo in your profile!!! You won't stand out at all! 11 million other men have the exact same photo!! We can't even SEE you, because you're holding a damn FISH in front of your face!!
Wasn't there a woman on here that said she automatically nixed fish guys? That leaves ZERO men here in Florida. Zero. Except federal agent, actually. He was very different. Stood out.

Fish rant over.

MY XWH never used a vacation day for our family. Over a period of 35 work years, he used every single one of them to fish. We moved here so he could fish every day.

But he's a different man now. Slender, wears black shirts and shiny shoes and laughs with his mouth open. He's become a successful businessman (his recreation of his past; not that he was unsuccessful but his drinking held him back from what he could have accomplished).

He used to wear Carhartt t-shirts every single day unless he was forced to go to a wedding and then he'd wear a pastel collared shirt and a pair of Dockers. He's a big guy, wore sizes 40 - 48 through the years. Now he's probably in a 34 or 36. He used to wear cargo shorts from Sam's Club (the pockets in that brand worked best for fishing) and Crocs shoes. Never waivered from any of it.

He no longer fishes and lives in TX not near any water.

It's all just so bizarre, I still can't wrap my head around it but I'm thinking of finding a fishing boat-owning boyfriend and plastering pictures of me in that boat catching big sportfish all over Facebook. I've never eaten fish, I hate it, I hate the taste, I hate the smell, I hate the look, I hate the waste after they're gutted and cleaned. But I'd get over that in order to rub salt in his wound cuz due to his poor decisions, he never had a boat in FLA (he did on the Great Lakes but he lost our money and couldn't afford one once we moved here). So I'd tolerate a lot in a man to be able to post pictures of me on Facebook with a boat guy.

Does you Dad have a boat and would he play act for a few photos? :)

When I was in Cayman last year, the boat Capt. on our stingray trip had me come up and drive the boat with him and took selfies. He's a small scraggly looking Italian guy and I loved putting that on Facebook with the caption "first guy who ever let me steer his boat." (Cuz the kids and I never got to go on XWH's boats, he never had time; if the seas were seaworthy, he went fishing).

BTW, did I tell you I'm going to Italy next month? To visit my ancestral lands with a cousin but we'll be north of Verona for a week and then near Bolzano for another week so not the areas most people visualize when they hear "Italy."

[This message edited by josiep at 12:59 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]

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