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What advice you have for your children regarding Marriage?

mighost posted 4/6/2019 02:11 AM

These days, with the amount of technology and other factors available cheating or adultery in a relationship is highly likely. I personally can't fathom my child going through with it. But I want to give her sound advice in appropriate age or when the time comes. So what advice you have for children regarding this shit sandwich?

P.S : With the rise of new age feminism, divorce law, mgtow and incels...I do think the appeal of marriage will decrease...IMHO..

Rideitout posted 4/6/2019 06:03 AM

It would depend a little on their situation and their sex. And that might sound like (and be) a sexist answer, but it is what it is and I call it like I see it. I would certainly tell them that cheating is a possibility, and, depending on who they were marrying, share with them the statistics on what makes someone likely vs unlikely to cheat (profession/income, time away from home, risk taking bias, number of previous sexual partners, attractiveness). While people hate to talk about this stuff here, there are statistics out there that have examined "who cheats" and, while absolutely NOT perfect (my W had little chance of cheating based on most of the research and still did), it is more valuable, IMHO, than throwing your hands in the air and saying "it's equally likely no matter who I marry". No, it's not, we know that without any qualification, if you marry the singer in a rock band your FAR more likely to be cheated on than if you marry the Amish farmer down the road. Doesn't mean that rock singers can't be or won't be faithful or that Amish farmers won't or can't cheat, but your chances are much lower if you steer clear of certain professions, personality types, etc.

I'd always recommend a prenup if my S/D was getting married and was in the high income earner position. You just never know, and while cheating is devastating, what's even worse is getting the pleasure of paying your H/W to cheat on you after d-day and a divorce. That risk can be completely eliminated with a prenup, and I think that most/all couples should have one; cheating should not be a "lottery ticket", and, sad to say, it is for some people who have high income spouses and no prenup. They will be "paid to cheat", and that is as perverse and incentive as you can possibly dream up.

I agree with you, and statistics agree with you, M is in a precarious position. It does serve a purpose and have a value, but it also has a cost, and the cost keeps rising with the value declining through time. Being M used to be a big "social proof" for men and women, now, I don't even know is most of my co-workers are M, D, poly, into people in furry costumes.. I don't know, I don't care, and frankly, even broaching the topic at work, especially with the opposite sex, is a landmine. When I see a woman with a new ring on, I often think to ask "how was the wedding" and "where did you and your H go on a honeymoon" and I don't do either because either question opens the door to offending someone (what if we're pagan and this is a blood ring, what if I married a woman).. Not worth it, I'll ignore your ring of human blood, let's just get back to working on the Powerpoint. The "social proof" that was associated with M is all but gone.

Cooley2here posted 4/6/2019 06:31 AM

I would tell them regardless if whether one stays home with children or not they each need their own income. The couple need to pay bills, invest and then take money out for their own use. As a woman who was a sahm I felt some sense of helplessness because my husband’s income was it. Once my youngest was less dependent on me I finished my education and went to work.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:08 AM, April 6th (Saturday)]

Catwoman posted 4/6/2019 06:58 AM

I would tell them that marriage is work and if they didn't feel like putting in that work, they shouldn't be married. It should be really satisfactory work and they should feel a sense of joy and accomplishment in doing it, but it is work nonetheless.

I would tell them that lying, not cheating, is what starts eroding relationships (of course, you can't have cheating without lying, so there you go). If the two of them cannot be honest with each other or if one of them discovers significant dishonesty, it needs to be addressed or the marriage will die.

I would tell them that getting help for a troubled marriage is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. Just as you would visit your PCP for the flu or strep throat, you would get help for a marriage that has been struck down by a disease. I would tell them that with work, honesty and help, plus a heaping helping of commitment, there is little that cannot be overcome.

Cat

WhoTheBleep posted 4/6/2019 09:01 AM

I'll tell my kids to get their education and always earn their own money, enough to be able to support themselves. Never to rely on a spouse to support them.

I've already told my oldest it isn't necessary to ever marry. It's a personal choice. Either is OK.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:02 AM, April 6th (Saturday)]

NorthernMSB posted 4/6/2019 09:55 AM

Both my sons have witnessed my marriage and the devastation all their father’s lies has created and are completely disgusted. They are 20 and 17.

The 20 year old will not engage at all with my WH and will only answer if spoken to in one word responses. My WH has stopped trying right now although he did apologize in tears and tell my son never ever be the type of man he is. To make better choices and respect the woman he ends up with. I have not discussed cheating with my son but have always said to get himself professionally situated and protect his assets because he is very talented in his field. To never define himself by another person and not settle down until he is old enough to know who HE is and have enough life experience to know who he wants in his life.

My younger son says cheating is “whack” and says as long as his dad seems to be trying and never does it again, he will still have a relationship with him. Marriage? Kids? This child is NOT interested in either.

Our situation is a cautionary tale for anyone thinking of cheating. My husband nearly (maybe still will) lost his decades long marriage, has completely lost one son, and is hanging on a thread with the other. How can anything possibly be worth that steep cost?

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 9:56 AM, April 6th (Saturday)]

Furious1 posted 4/6/2019 10:28 AM

My advice to my children is for them to know that they are worthy of honor, integrity, fidelity, kindness, respect, validation, honesty, and all of the goodness that life has to offer just for being the flawed and imperfect human beings that they are.

Whether they are in a relationship or not, they do not have to be perfect or do anything at all to earn those things because every single one of us were born deserving those things just for being on this planet. No one has a right to make you feel small or less than or not good enough. We are each human beings entitled to the full range of human emotion and human experience and no one has the right to mistreat us into doubting ourselves, doubting our perception, doubting our gut instinct, doubting our value, doubting our worth, or doubting our attractiveness. If someone in their life consistently treats them in a way that makes them feel small, less than, or not good enough, then that someone does not deserve to have a space in their life reserved for them. Be willing to compromise and negotiate with healthy people who are respecting your human rights, but don't settle for less from a jerk masking their abuse as love. Be willing to admit when you mistake a person who respects you for a person who is abusive. It's going to happen, but once you discover that you were conned by an abuser, own that mistake, but don't own their abusiveness of you. Their abusiveness in entirely on them and you did not cause them to treat you abusively. No one has the right to abuse you and abuse comes in all forms (not just physical).

There are no guarantees that a relationship or marriage is going to work out. All I can hope is to arm them with the humility to admit when they need help or made a mistake and to instill in them a deep and profound sense of their value and worth as the perfectly imperfect human beings that we all are.

F1

stolenyears posted 4/6/2019 11:06 AM

My daughter just got married a month ago. I remember when we were getting married and having to go through the 'premarital counseling'. The parts on being faithful and exclusive really didn't apply to us because we were 'in love'. What I am saying is that in the premarital counseling, we wouldn't really hear any messages other than 'love will see us through' because we were blinded by our own emotion.

Fast forward 30 years and I find out my wife is a serial cheater. What we have done for my daughter and new son-in-law is to give them a marriage checkup at 6 months and at 1 year, counseling session with my IC. This will allow for the honeymoon to settle and for them to realize that there are things about the other spouse that either annoy them or piss them off. When you find out these things, are you going to resent it? Are you going to hold it in? Are you going to seek out a friend of the opposite sex to commiserate with? Learning healthy ways to communicate and set boundaries are not a guarantee, but should be much better preparation than most of the premarital counseling I have seen...

NorthernMSB posted 4/6/2019 12:38 PM

I just want to add that at this time in my life, only months past DD#2 and weeks past DD#3 I am NOT a person to give anyone advice on marriage at all. I admit to being a romantic before this whole thing and liked what was a bit of a fairytale ending for myself and WH. That is what I always thought and so did everyone else. Now I am disillusioned and frankly bitter about anything that promotes love or marriage.

Romantic movies elicit snorts of disbelief, corny commercials disgust me, movies I ACTUALLY enjoyed before (The Notebook, Made of Honor, Closer, Indecent Proposal, Gone Girl, The Bridges of Madison County, and Sweet Home Alabama) are unbearable.

I will not be telling my boys anything right now and they are not even close to picking future marriage partners and I hope when they do I have something great to say like I am reading here from so many others.

ErinHa posted 4/6/2019 14:25 PM

This is all really good advice, I agree with the idea that marriage requires loving attention, work, communication etc. I would say that in my experience resentment builds quickly and it's hard to go away if you don't figure it out and talk.

I would recommend to my kids to always have IC going on. I think it's so helpful to take us through our lives. There is always accountability in IC and problems might get solved earlier. Even if just once a month, it's good to have someone to check in with and keep things working before problems get bigger.

It is a new world out there right now and I'd be fine if my kids never got married (even if they have long-term partners and kids). The "holy bonds of matrimony" doesn't sound really appealing right now. I have a feeling with religion playing less and less of a role in this generations life, that marriage will change along with it.

My personal feeling about marriage is that is should be like an LLC agreement and actually I could see multiple people in a marriage...maybe people want to have 5 partners, 3 earn money, 2 stay at home, some are sexual, some are not. Almost like more of a commune mentality. If you want to leave the marriage, you're somehow dissolved from the LLC/Marriage agreement. I know that's radical thinking, but it seems to make sense to me. I'm not sure happily ever after exists in most relationships nowadays.

Good question, I think there is going to be a huge paradigm shift in marriages going forward.

Phoenix1 posted 4/6/2019 15:09 PM

Both of my DDs are now married. It occurred after my D so they saw what I went thru, good and bad. We talked a lot about what they "learned" from it, and this is what they have shared with me.

Be financially self-sufficient. Always have a marketable skill so you are not reliant on someone else.

Don't co-mingle finances. Fine to have a shared account to contribute to for shared expenses. Oldest DD and I were just talking about this, and I reiterated that if she ever receives an inheritance (to which she laughed, brat ), never, ever use to benefit the marriage (that was a big issue in my own D).

Don't commit to marital vows or monogamy unless you fully intend to fulfill that promise, and to formally end the relationship before stepping out of it.

Marriage is hard work, full of compromise. Must be willing to compromise and not expect to get everything your own way. If they can't commit to that, then they shouldn't be married.

Infidelity is an instant dealbreaker. Yes, they have told me that and said they have made it clear to their respective spouses. Their spouses know what I went thru as well so they know my DDs are very serious about it.

I guess those are the big ones we have discussed.

Oftencheatedon posted 4/7/2019 17:52 PM

Pay attention to how your potential spouse treats other people. Pay attention to whether they are willing to "cut corners" in matters of integrity.

My DH (non-cheater this time) is very honest. We made a purchase at a warehouse store around Christmas and discovered after we got home that we were not charged for a $20 item. My DH got back in the car, braved the traffic, stood in line and paid for the item - because he is honest. All too many people would have said "oh I got this for free".

secondtime posted 4/7/2019 21:58 PM

I'll advise them on what I did.

I didn't marry only for love. I also married for compatibility.

My "required" traits list for a spouse was super-unsexy:
**had to be a saver
**had to be Christian
**had to support a one income lifestyle
**had to be open to a larger family (having three kids was a non-negotiable for me)
**had to be OK with no corporal punishment for children
**had to be interested in travel
**had to value education for education's sake


Except for DH's SA, we're quite a good match. We don't fight, because there's nothing to really fight about. Actually, there's very little real compromise, too. I don't have to "educate" him on anything, because there is no need. Our marriage has been pretty easy, aside from the addiction thing.

I will counsel my children to get married. Marriage is a legal contract, and there are many rights bestowed someone who has entered into that contract. Those rights can be obtained very cheaply at a courthouse. All the paperwork lawyers would need to draw up run more than $100.

And how many people really say "Aw, honey, fine don't get married. But, don't forget to go see the lawyer so that your medical POAs, etc are all taken care of. Make sure every time you make a large purchase, like a home, that you see the lawyer so that if the relationship dissolves, the paperwork will be in place for it!"

I would also encourage my kids to embrace having an interdependent marriage. If you aren't going to count on a partner for anything more than essentially being FWB, why bother having relationships at all?

ibonnie posted 4/8/2019 00:20 AM

I think I would give my children two copies of "Not Just Friends," one for them, one for their partner.

And I would also advise them to always have a financial/childcare plan b, so they don't feel like they have to stay with someone because being a single parent would mean choosing between paying rent or feeding their child.

The1stWife posted 4/8/2019 07:11 AM

Don’t t do it.

And if you do pre-nup is mandatory.

mighost posted 4/8/2019 16:12 PM

Yeah.. Financial security is important incase things goes south.

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