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NC broken, had no idea.

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SoMuchSadness posted 3/29/2019 20:37 PM

Paboy, this really rings true with me. I will read this over and over. Thank you so much. It really helps open my eyes.

brkn_heartd posted 3/29/2019 21:00 PM

I am so sorry, I have been in your same boat. In all honesty, the breaking of NC was more hurtful to me than the affair. For the same reason you eluded to....he knew how bad he hurt you...but did it anyway. That was how I felt.....he saw how I was dying in front of him, but he wanted to be friends.

I still do not understand it. I was ready to end my marriage, unfortunately, my job ended at the same time and I was reeling with loss...loss of my mom, my marriage and my job of 15 years. I never did totally heal from that.

MY advice to you....talk to your attorney, find out where you are with that part of your life. Finding out about broken NC puts you back to day 1. All of the time you were doing IC/MC he wasn't participating...it meant nothing. IF he really is 'all in now' then let him prove it.....however, he can try to prove while you move on with your life and decisions. If he really is all in, he will stay strong and connected and will respect your wishes....if he doesn't...then you know.

sending you support!

Edie posted 3/30/2019 03:16 AM

. He said he thinks of me differently. Not as a sexual being anymore.kind of motherly. I am 56 keep myself in shape so not sure where

Why not go on strike with all of those ‘motherly’ things? Cooking. Cleaning. Laundry. Soothing his brow after a hard day.

Let him cook his own meals, clean his own dirty clothes and bed linen etc.

Sounds like those roles have probably been taken for granted by your entitled and cake-eating husband and yes, roles conflated - and abused - as the comfy mother figure around the house. He broke every marital contract in the book. Now you are not contractually obliged in any way to continue providing wifely succour that is thrown back in your face as ‘motherly’. Keep getting your ducks in a row with your attorney. You need to be hardline here. You’ll feel better for it, I promise.

I do recommend a strike and 180 here. You didn’t sign up to be his mother so just stop doing it. Get out and take up some new hobbies and make some new friends. Get a new dynamic here for your own sake.

[This message edited by Edie at 3:21 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]

The1stWife posted 3/30/2019 03:47 AM

I do recommend a strike and 180 here. You didn’t sign up to be his mother so just stop doing it. Get out and take up some new hobbies and make some new friends. Get a new dynamic here for your own sake.

As part of my healing 5 years ago I did this.

And I have not reinstated any maid service activities to this day. He fired me as his wife during his Affair - consider me permanently on leave!!

Done!! And I have no regrets and no guilt whatsoever.

Edie posted 3/30/2019 06:58 AM

I did as well. WH had to learn to cook. Became a little too chef-fy though as is the male wont.

nekonamida posted 3/30/2019 13:55 PM

So what does “I thought we could be friends” really mean? Thank you in advance!

It means, "I'm continuing the A" ALWAYS. He could have kept it an EA but since he met up with her again, that's doubtful. There's no such thing as "just friends" after the A.

Can you R without the truth of what happened between them after DDay? I don't believe so. What if he slept with her again and you need another STD test? What if he planned on running off with her and got cold feet? These are things that you need to know before giving him ANOTHER chance at R. And how will you know for sure that he won't do it again once you get comfortable and don't check on him?

sassylee posted 3/30/2019 14:46 PM

They didn’t think of us as mothers because of our appearance - they simply took us for granted much like kids do. We’d always be there and of course sex after X number of years becomes “predictable”. I can’t speak for you, but after 20 years of marriage, there’s not much new to explore with our bodies. They thought of us like they do their left arm - an extension of themselves - it’s there when they need it, and would definitely miss it if it were gone - but mostly it’s just there.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:50 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

SoMuchSadness posted 4/1/2019 08:23 AM

Brkn_heartd...thank you for your reply. I am so very sorry you had to endure all those losses at once. I lost my Dad at age 30 and can’t imagine having to deal with other losses at the same time. That’s just too much for one person to take on. I hope you are doing better now. It takes a long time to heal from such loss. I will never understand it either. It takes a lot of selfishness to inflict such pain, and continue on the same path. It truly is heartwrenching.

Sassylee...you are exactly right. They take us for granted because they think we will always be there. We are too comfortable. . Until we’ve had enough and the sledgehammer falls. And then it may be too late. So sad that sometimes that is what it takes for them to finally begin to open their eyes.

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