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So not sure what to do with this...

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NorthernMSB posted 3/21/2019 12:07 PM

I posted before...married 21 going on 22 years, two boys (20 and 17). Marriage not perfect, but I don’t know any that are perfect. Caught my husband 10 years ago texting an ex girlfriend...won’t go into those details but cut it off, never do it again etc. Then caught him on Christmas Eve with my older son! In a full blown sexting relationship with another ex girlfriend..we got to see a string of texts and her naked fake boobs..it all came out in the texts, lots of who liked what, what they were going to do with each other, to each other, pictures, videos, and a gross admission he masterbated to one of her videos He does NOT remember much if anything. I got most of the details with an obscene amount of searching and from the OW.

He is a “let’s move forward etc” guy and I am losing weight (33 pounds), not sleeping, obsessing etc. But I was starting to move forward actually because honestly, it is just too depressing and exhausting to be in this ALL the time. No peace or joy.

Anyway, talking about something else today and interestingly enough he let slip that he still speaks to his ex the one I caught him texting from 10 years before, and they speak probably every few months, usually when we are fighting. when they spoke late last year ( ) she asked him if he wanted to go away with her but she wasn’t serious, of course?! He declined because he was married and they discussed him contacting her when he wasn’t. Apparently he could see himself with her if we weren’t together. They “didn’t really” discuss sex ever because she isn’t that kind of woman and wouldn’t until he wasn’t married. I am really really tired suddenly. I think he has been in an emotional affair with her for 13 years. Talking a few times every once in a while because “it is nice to talk to someone who likes him etc”. God.

So. I held it together and asked if she is in his contacts. He told me he knows it is Her when she texts because he knows her phone number. I was amazed because he doesn’t even know mine and I laughed and said what is it? I had no ulterior motive I was just curious if he remembered it.

Well, shit hit the fan and something I would have let go suddenly became a huge problem. He lost it. He would never tell me, if I contacted her he would be done and leave our marriage. Wait what?! I wasn’t going to contact her? He would be her friend always and she wouldn’t text him again because they had a fight in October!l last year about him “still” being married. (For interest he started his sexting affair with the OTHER woman less than a month later) AND he wouldn’t have “been forced to” talk to all these other women if He was close to me. He Literally lost his shit on me about her!! He protected her against me! Fuck that! Honestly fuck that. Pardon the swearing.

So, what am I supposed to do with this now?!

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 12:29 PM, March 21st (Thursday)]

kiki1 posted 3/21/2019 12:22 PM

Wow. Just wow. I would so not be OK with this. He's chosen her over you for the last 10 years? Yeah you're probably right, he's at least in an ea. If he refuses to stop contact I think you have your answer.

inthedark99 posted 3/21/2019 12:27 PM

gently northernmsb, your husband is showing you who he is.
believe him. read up on the 180 in the healing library and start focusing on you. keep posting here at si.

Edie posted 3/21/2019 12:33 PM

So not sure what to do with this

I try not to do too much ‘if it were me’ advice, but seriously 🤔 if it were me, I would tell him that he was free to go to her and would immediately instate a hard 180 and get legal advice.

WhiteWolfWinning posted 3/21/2019 13:04 PM

You have already gotten some great adfvice. I will echo what inthedark has said. He is, indeed, showing you who he is.

He is showing you that, not only does he disregard your feelings, but that he expects you to believe and accept his lies.


They “didn’t really” discuss sex ever because she isn’t that kind of woman and wouldn’t until he wasn’t married

She ISN'T THAT KIND OF WOMAN?

Ok. What kind of man are you?

You deserve better than this.

Wolf

manofintegrity posted 3/21/2019 13:12 PM

These are just the two times you have caught him. Men get busted 1 out of 9 times. You do understand that only teenagers “just talk every three months”. You are married to a serial-cheater that cannot set boundaries, has no respect for you or himself.

What are you supposed to do? Make it real easy for him. File for divorce, tell him to go call her to give her the good news she has been waiting for. Mr. Rugsweeper needs to find out first-hand why the OW is not married after 10 years. I doubt he is the only married man she’s been after, just like she’s not the only woman for him.

1Faith posted 3/21/2019 13:45 PM

He has never stopped cheating emotionally and who truly knows physically.

He is not remorseful, he is not concerned about your feelings, he is not a good role model for your sons on relationships/marriage, he has not changed because he hasn't had to.

You get to decide what you will and will not tolerate. He absolutely gives you her number, he goes NC or he can leave. This should be a minimum in my opinion.

He protected her against me! Fuck that!

^^^ This exactly.

what am I supposed to do with this now?!

Use it to remind yourself how horrible your WH has treated you and your marriage. Make a plan to get out of infidelity. Either he meets YOUR requirements or you start to envision peace without all his lies and deceit (without him).

We know it is hard.

(((good luck)))

ThisIsSoLonely posted 3/21/2019 14:04 PM

...if I contacted her he would be done and leave our marriage.

Your choices are: 1) to say "fuck it" and leave yourself already, or 2) to stay in a relationship where the person you are supposedly committed to has told you in no uncertain terms that if YOU want to be with THEM that you have to put up with whatever they do, regardless of how much it bothers/hurts/upsets you, or 3) to message her, if for no other reason than to find out what his response is, and to send a CLEAR signal that you are not going to sit by and be a doormat, and go from there. If he leaves, he leaves. So be it.

If I were you option 2 above would be out of the question so that leaves you with options 1 and 3. He has essentially forced your hand - so play it.

MamaDragon posted 3/21/2019 16:01 PM

He is still having the affair. BLOW his world up. Tell the OW's spouse if she has one, tell your family & His.

read up on the 180 and curtail it to help you detach. Show him what he stands to lose - don't do his laundry, cook for him, run his errands etc. Gather all the information/proof you currently have (cell phone records, copy of texts etc). Gather your financial information (family bills, income, banking accounts etc) - make copies and put them somewhere safe. You can start separating finances, sometimes that freaks them out of the affair fog.

Go see a lawyer, have them draw up divorce papers w/spousal & child support - hand them him and explain he has a choice, his family or his OW. Right now he believes that you will back down and he will have his cake and be able to eat it too. Nope, pull that rug out from underneath him. Don't settle for being his plan B. Be prepared to follow through with the divorce though - I would not be second in anyone's life, most especially my WHs. The lawyers can help you navigate what you are entitled to - and you can stop divorce proceedings at any time. You can also give him a post nup to sign...should he choose to stay in the marriage. You have to show him what he stands to lose.

Take care of yourself - eat healthy, drink plenty of H20, exercise, see a doc if you need medication to get on an even keel (short term). Get into IC if you feel you need it.

If he decides he wants to save his marriage *HE* needs to do the heavy lifting, NC letter/email, blocking of all OW or XGFs. you get 100% transparency to all social media & electronics, GPS his phone & car. Some folks like a timeline, and details...basically he needs to prove he has changed.

If it was me, I'd already be at the lawyers office and packing his crap so he can go be with his XGF. To disrespect me and defend another woman? Oh hell no.

Good luck and big hugs (and listen to the veterans here on SI, they know their stuff!)

NorthernMSB posted 3/21/2019 16:37 PM

Thanks everyone. This is like a bait and switch! I was worried about the woman he just got caught texting and low and behold behind the curtain is the REAL issue.

He would NOT give me her number but honestly, I checked my phone bill (his is under mine) and there it is. I know where she lives. and low and behold, it wasn't "every few months", it was EVERY month as far back as I can see on the bills. Sometimes a couple times and a few months about 20 times, multiple times a day, all hours of the day.

Fuck. The one thing that tracks is that they had a flurry of calls in October last year which is when he said they had their tiff about his married state and nothing since.

I am really tired.

1Faith posted 3/21/2019 16:45 PM

the REAL issue

(((gently)))

The real issue is your WH not whom he is having this weeks/month/year affair with. He has consistently been lying and cheating on you.

I know you are tired. How can you not be? Following him around and playing detective is a fulltime job.

Question is what are you planning to do for YOU moving forward?

I am sorry he's an ass. You deserve better.

BBBD posted 3/21/2019 17:28 PM

The reason your H is doing this is because you are negotiating from a position of weakness. He knows you won't leave, due to insecurity or the kids or financial repercussions, so he has no impetus to change. My advice to you is just file for divorce and find someone else. Or learn to live with it and don't complain about it. Those are really your only reasonable options. How about ask him which of those options he wants? But you have to mean it if you ask him.

Sunny69 posted 3/21/2019 17:36 PM

NorthetnMSB, you strike me as someone who already knows what she has to do. Sometimes people can be impossible to love. It doesn't matter what you do, they only know how to take. You deserve much better than how your husband has treated you. Taking yourself out of the frame will take away all the mystique of their relationship. Strength and hugs are being sent to you

tushnurse posted 3/21/2019 18:53 PM

Welcome and know that the advice given here is from experience and knowing what cheaters do.
While each experience is unique there is a standard playbook and a very predictable path that cheaters take.
That being said you need to start taking some steps to protect yourself. Your husband is a cheater and the simple fact that it has gone on as long as it has tells me there is a lot more there than you realize and probably do not want to ever know.
You kids are basically grown so that's a gift in dealing with this. But you still need to see an attorney and find out your rights and his obligations. You need to k ow what divorce and separation look like for you.

You also need to see your Dr and get full STD testing. If they are sharing vids and pics if there was an opportunity for them to get together they did. So you need to get full STD testing. This means a pelvic and bloodwork. You also (if you are considering making an attempt at R (reconciliation) ) need to demand he get tested as well.

You need to figure out what you will and will not tolerate. The fact he threatened to leave over a number is pretty telling in what he is willing to do. However if you do make him leave and stand up for yourself he may change his tune. Cheaters cheat because they are broken and can. They stop when they realize continuing to do so will cost them more than they are willing to lose.
I know this is scary and overwhelming but you need to prepare yourself for change cause it's coming and if don't force it he will continue to cheat.

Some gems of wisdom that are true in all cases of infidelity.
1 nothing you did or did not do caused this. you could NOT have prevented it or been a better wife mother or friend. He is broken. Not you. .
2. Allowing him to continue to do what he has done will destroy who you are. Your self confidence, your sense of wellbeing and it is a form of abuse.
3. Standing up for yourself now that you know will allow you to start healing and find your self worth again.
4. Cheaters without consequences do not stop or start to change.
5. Fear if losing what you have is a myth because what you believed you had is already gone.
6. Doing the pick me dance or trying to nice him back never ever works.

Check out the healing library. Read up on the 180.
Talk to your dr about this it is a very real trauma and if you cant eat or sleep you may find some benefit in meds. I did.

This sucks. It is a trauma that is a double whammy because you have been betrayed on a level that is similar to rape. It is also a time of grief because the marriage you believed you had and the man you believed you were married to are dead.

Keep reading and keep posting. we will provide support and help you find the strength in yourself.

Tripletrouble posted 3/21/2019 19:04 PM

Your WH sounds like he has a similar trait to my XH - this mindset that whoever he does not have is the most desirable. What ended my marriage was my XH's signing up for AFF, but there were other things too over the years. When we were living together before we were married, he called an XGF for who knows what purpose, but I found out when she mailed him a letter to our apartment (this was pre internet) and told him to leave her alone. Another XGF he had was a thorn in my side for all 20 years. She had an SO but never married, and she was the one that got away. There were social media contacts, texts, and right after D day I found a hidden email folder where they had been communicating about her plans to move to our city. Although they had significant reasons for breaking up when we were young, he turned her into some ideal of what could be.
Fast forward - we divorced and he started dating some poor woman who was unsuspecting. He kept begging me to get back together. I ended up giving him another chance about four months after our divorce was final and this effort lasted maybe a month. He spent the whole time crying over HER. Then we split up again, he got back together with her, and he was back to crying over ME. Now he is engaged to yet someone else, but as recently as a year and a half ago (during their engagement) he was again crying over me and sending me soppy texts. And through all of it, he is still looking for meaningless stuff online. I tell you all of this because it points to a trait that you can't change - this idea that whoever they don't have is who they want! My XH doesn't want me, he only wanted me when I was what he didn't have. I would bet my arm that if you were to divorce him, he will idealize you and your relationship and try this rubbish with YOU long after you've moved on, and he is in a relationship with someone else.
But to your question as to what to do with this - unfortunately your WH has clearly communicated that he feels entitled to these other relationships on the side (you "forced" him) and that he places them ahead of you. It's time to deliver some shock and awe. See an attorney to see what your financial situation would look like, open a separate bank account at a bank he does not know about, and do a hard 180. This does not mean you need to divorce, nor do you need to make any permanent decisions right now. You have been together a long time and share kids, finances, your whole life really. But he does need to understand his cake eating, rug sweeping, and blameshifting are done. DONE. It will also put you a few steps ahead if in fact that is a decision you make down the road. You are right that no marriage is perfect, but marriage is between two people and right now there are at least 3 in yours. I'm so sorry you find yourself here, and I wish you the best.

manofintegrity posted 3/21/2019 19:18 PM

I bet the OW is also married and the OBS caught wind of their little monthly hookup sessions back in October. I’d be visiting her house from 6-9 AM with donuts and coffee. I’d bet the OBS would enjoy a good 3 hr conversation like I had with the OBS. I bet he’s been wondering why she has not been herself lately. Did you notice any triple-x MMS “sexting”?

The1stWife posted 3/21/2019 20:19 PM

I’m sorry your H has chosen to disrespect you all these years.

You deserve better than this.

NorthernMSB posted 3/21/2019 21:21 PM

I cannot even explain what has gone on here tonight. I am lost. I have been a wreck since Christmas eve from Day one and and the catastrophic blow that was given to me and my son. I foolishly thought nothing can get worse than this pain. Silly. Here is DDay two with the REAL OW.

I sat down in front of him earlier tonight and very very calmly laid out what I found with respect to the volume of contact. He became defensive and then contemptuous. Then just spewed information. Apparently this affair has been going on my entire marriage, my entire marriage. She is not married, not in a relationship, nothing. I think she got sick of 21 YEARS of back and forth and perhaps demanded he leave me or something in October. And I am never to mention her again to him by the way.

Everything exploded. I am at fault for everything that has ever happened to him. I took away his family, his daughter from a previous relationship, his friends, his everything. I did none of that. And i am hard on myself so I would be upfront. As the evening went on it got worse and I got smaller and smaller. He blamed me for the fact he cheated. it was like he was on a huge cresting wave of hatred, vindictiveness, and it all just poured out over me and through me.

I seriously cannot describe what just happened. I got quieter and quieter and the look on his face was satisfied and almost gleeful as he went through my faults and baggage. My eating disorder, how damaged I am, how it was going to be a "drag" when my father finally dies because of how it will affect my mood. I have been taking care of my dying father for over a year who is now in a longterm care facility.

He listed all the things I need to do in order to keep him and that i should be grateful he stuck around and put up with me. on and on and on and on. Washing over me. I am so lost right now. Financially I cannot leave, and honestly, i feel like someone just hit me with a baseball bat until nothing but pulp is left. How could I have been so utterly blind and how could he have hated me this much for all this time and lied to my face. I have been in love with this man for 37 years. He was my first love, my first kiss, and i have thrown everything into him. I feel like I have not been married at all. There has been another woman squarely between us and I didn't know. I am exhausted and honestly just want to disappear. or sleep. but i have a deadline tomorrow I need to meet so I will muster on.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 9:24 PM, March 21st (Thursday)]

Starzen posted 3/21/2019 21:50 PM

Wow this guy thinks he's the bomb huh? He lists all the things you need to do to keep HIM? Cheats your entire marriage and he thinks he's the prize? Go hard core on this flaming narcissist. Re-read the advice others have already given you and raise it all up a million notches. Nothing you did caused him to cheat, his ranting at you is to make himself feel better and diminish you, and he enjoyed it as you noticed. Laugh at him next time he spews fault your way, and walk away. Immediately begin to get all your ducks in a row so you take your power back. I'm very sorry you are going through this and hurting right now, and I'm raging mad for you.

Coffeecloud posted 3/22/2019 02:01 AM

I'm sorry. He sounds terrible. Nothing you did caused this huge betrayal.

See a lawyer. Find out if you would get spousal support.

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