SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m new here but have taken a while to share my story. I have read so many heart wrenching accounts of infidelity I’m kinda hoping someone will say- he only sent 2 photos of his penis- let it go.

That sure would save all this heartache and all these thoughts going crazy in my head.

My husband and I have been married almost 7 years. (3 kids)

We were (I thought) incredibly happy.

After giving birth to our 3rd child (she was a week old) I decided to complete some photo books for all the kids. She was sleeping on my husband’s chest next to me in the bed and I was searching the external hard drive for photos.

My heart absolutely shattered into a million pieces as I came across 6 photos of my husband’s chest and penis under the “WhatsApp sent” folder.

I looked across at him sleeping next to me with our beautiful new baby girl on his chest and in absolute disbelief. There was just NO WAY he had sent that to someone who wasn’t ME.

I checked the properties of the photos and discovered they were sent just over 2 years ago when I was 8 months pregnant with our 2nd child- our son and at the time had a beautiful 2 year old daughter.

I closed up the computer and started trying to process what I had discovered. Disbelief denial and utter confusion. I knew for sure that I had never been sent those photos- so to who then?

I was distant for a day or two until he asked what was wrong. And. Then. It. Began....

I said “I have just been wondering who is so damn special that gets to receive photos of your penis- that you would throw away your entire marriage, kids and family for. She must be really special”

His immediate reply- she wasn’t. And I NEVER cheated.

We are now just over 6 months post my discovery and I’m still hurting so bad.

We have seen a psychologist/Councellor both together and individually.

We have discovered many things (about himself) during this time. But nothing NOTHING I find out explains how he could EVER do something like this.

We discovered this...

He is a manager and had a meeting with a mother manager 2016.

He felt attracted to her.

A week later she sent him messages saying he is cute and when can she see his smile again. And. There. It. Was. HOOKED.

he replied. Well if I’m so cute why don’t you send me a photo. She sent breast photo. He sent chest photo. Day one done. He returns home to his beautiful family. A few days later she starts up again. She sends breasts. He sends wrest penis. And a few day’s later same thing after jerking off to her boobs. What I’m trying to say is. It’s was 3 occasions in about a 2 week span (according to him and from what I can tell by the picture properties correlates.

Through our Councellor game we discovered.

1. We were not having “regular sex” at the time. I was almost full term with our second baby. Had a 2 year old at home. Was completing my masters degree. Had just started my own practice. Was stretched in all directions.

2. The not having loads of sex bothered him but he never communicated that. So he turned to porn to masterbate to. He says it was never videos. Just pictures. Apparently that’s his “thing”. Pictures.

3. So when this woman suddenly showed him attention (which he wasn’t getting at home) he immediately went to default and went for what was exciting for him- pictures.

4. Apparently he told her from the start- this will never go further than pictures. I love my wife. (This is what he says- but also can’t really remember what transpired in these WhatsApp messages from 2 years ago. Wish there was some way we could retrieve these)

5. After there pictures were exchanged it ended. That was it. However- it only ended because SHE stopped messaging him. He still would have continued and apparently tried a few times after to start things up again but nothing from her.

The thing I’m battling to get over-

He had NO problem casually chatting to me about his day. How he had a meeting with this woman. Would often tell me about her and how good she is at her job.

About a year after the pictures. She is looking for a job. The place I work is looking for someone of her position. He asks me to GIVE HER CV IN and out in a good word for her. Which I do. (So naive).

She get the job. We work together almost 8 months. He comes to “visit me” at work. Sit in her office. Have coffee with her (“work related”) IN FRONT OF ME. how humiliating. He knows. She knows. I’m the only idiot that doesn’t know.

So I’m crushed to think he cared SO LITTLE about me that he could now 2 years late still be so ok with hurting me.

He says

1. Once the photos were done it was done. He pretty much saw it the same as the porn he always masterbated to but maybe with a bit more excitement since it was a real person.

2. He never thought of it once he came to where I worked and says he doubts she did either. It was so long over. It was nothing. A picture he jerked off to.

3. He says his feelings for me never changed at all during this time. He was still madly and deeply in love with me. Just wasn’t gettin “enough sex” He has a long with photos. This offer came along. He went to default. Asked for a photo. Jerked off. Finished.

I have SO many questions in my head.

Would he really put his marriage on the line for 3 jerkoffs that he could have done to porn anyway? As he was doing before?

3 jerkoffs. That’s it. (Or is it? He says that was it. How would I know? )

My story is similar in that there was supposedly only pics sent and sexting going on. Jury still out on whether or not I believe that and the affair only stopped because I found out. It probably would have progressed further had I not found out. Betrayal is betrayal. It hurts no matter what. Sorry you're here, but it will help.

Oh, Kudulies....I’m so sorry to read your post. My heart aches for you. I’m so sorry to see you here. My DDay was last Thursday in the early morning and very similar to yours. What’s wrong with us humans? As if wars are not enough, we have to go a and individually destroy ourselves?

My WS at first said it was not love, it was just a connection and at first he said it was just kissing, but later he came clean and told me there was intercourse. I don’t know your situation but if you have any doubt as to whether there was sex involved, be on the safe side and get yourself checked. And if you would consider taking him back, he cannot blame you for not giving him sex and he must absolutely come clean. All details, the entire timeline. The Who’s, when’s, where’s, what’s, and if he can articulate, the why’s.

I’m still in the shock and reeling phase so cannot offer you any advise on the next steps, but so many people here have the experience and can help.

Hugs to you and stay strong and take care of yourself.

I am so sorry you have the need to be here.

The only way I can come up with to know that was it is a polygraph. It's doubtful he would confess to anything that you don't know about.

I want to focus on something else. He is not taking responsibility for what he did. He is making excuses citing lack of sex in your M. You need to address this if you want to R. If he doesn't get that he had many other options for dealing with his issues and cheating (which this is) was a very bad one, he will not be a safe partner.

1. We were not having “regular sex” at the time. I was almost full term with our second baby. Had a 2 year old at home. Was completing my masters degree. Had just started my own practice. Was stretched in all directions.

2. The not having loads of sex bothered him but he never communicated that. So he turned to porn to masterbate to. He says it was never videos. Just pictures. Apparently that’s his “thing”. Pictures. 

I'm sorry but this is bullshit and blameshifting. Why not talk to you? Ask for pictures of you, his wife?

Sorry, but no. You were stressed and probably not getting much attention either, but did you cheap? No.

Another small difference I just noticed. For my WH, he says he can only masturbate to porn videos. Pictures (apparently) don't get him off. This just adds to my confusion of, then why do it at all if there was literally nothing gained from it?? Why risk your job, family, and your wife for something so dumb? Men are so stupid.

So, under his theory, you will need to make sure he gets regular sex.

Under his theory, if you were sick, hospitalized, recovering from surgery or childbirth you would have to worry that he will cheat. You may even have to accept it since he seems to be blaming your schedule, your pregnancy and your career.

Do you see why his theory is utter bullshit? Do you see why you are having a hard time recovering from this? That is because he is minimizing his actions and he is subtly blaming you. And, in my opinion, your counsellor is not helping him come to the point of owning his behavior.

Yes, his why is much deeper than not getting regular sex. That’s the justification he gave himself to go through with it. That he went above and beyond to get this woman a job - with you - suggests it was more than just 3 pics. How sure are you that it wasn’t more? Is this woman married?

I’m sorry, I can’t say it was just a few dick pics. How he attempted to bring her into your life is a deep betrayal. Do you have complete transparency regarding his electronics? Passwords to all accounts?

This women is married and knew he was too. It was always her opening line- “howz your wife and kids?” Like she cares a stuff about my beautiful kids whose whole story she may have just rewritten.

My husband knows her husband well.

They are now divorced. She was a serial cheater. Since I had the “privilege” of working so closely with her I became aware of 4 other affairs she had with married men. Broke up 2 marriages. Both with kids. My husband abs I spoke about it all the time and he always mentioned how promiscuous she was.

Him bringing her into my life and encouraging a friendship between us has been one of the hardest things.

But he says he didn’t even think about what they had done 2 years prior. Like it was just a porn pic he masterbated to- then done. No connection.

He has been broken from the day I found out.

Is now on anti-depressives. Was discussing suicidal thoughts with therapist.

He had taken it hard.

He buys flowers. Gifts. Washes dishes. Does laundry. Makes dinner. Helps with the kids. The thing is- this is ALL the stuff he did before (like I said our marriage was awesome) So I don’t see this as anything new.

Is it possible someone is really happy in their marriage. No problems really (except not enough sex on his side). Loves his wife wildly and his kids are his life. But then one day an opportunity presents itself and he slips? Not thinking it’s cheating cause it was the same as his porn pics?

He says he NEVER wanted to have sex with her. Never wanted more. For him it was all about getting the pictures?!?

I’m so confused...

Yes - it’s possible...my husband and I needed to have some common understandings after dday - about what fidelity was and what it wasn’t. He was surprised when I said calling a “sex line” was cheating. He’d never done it but considered it an aural form of pornography. I told him any visual or auditory/oral interaction with a live sex worker was off limits. So it’s possible...it’s just not likely when he had real life interaction with her. Since it was so long ago - I’d suggest a polygraph. It’s not the actual test that will yield the results but the last minute confession you’re likely to get right before going through with it. They usually give up something with a bit of kick to convince you that you have it all - so you’ll cancel the test.

You could also try pulling a bluff on OW - calling her and telling her your husband has confessed to an affair with her and he put all the blame on her and you’d like to give her a chance to tell her side. She’ll probably still be full of shit - but you might find out if there was more than a couple of pictures exchanged.

I couldn’t move forward with R until I “felt” I had the truth. I don’t think you feel you have that yet.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:36 AM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Listen, you know it's not something that you can get 'let go." Your heart and your head are not letting go...because it's a betrayal.

How would he feel if you had done the same thing? If you sent breast and labia shots for some other man to masturbate to? If you masturbated to the thoughts of being with someone else? If you were having problems with intimacy in your marriage but stepped outside?

He has shattered your trust. At the very least, your WH has serious boundary issues. If he was not getting enough attention, he needed to turn to YOU, his wife..the woman he promised to love and cherish. Instead, he felt the need to step outside of the marriage and seek attention from someone else. A someone else who has been known to have affairs....His justifications are not good enough. He needs to dig deeper to find out why he needed the attention from outside.

And you won't know if that's it unless you get a polygraph. He has taken all the trust that has been built up and threw it away. I'm sorry.

The thing I’m battling to get over-

He had NO problem casually chatting to me about his day. How he had a meeting with this woman. Would often tell me about her and how good she is at her job.

About a year after the pictures. She is looking for a job. The place I work is looking for someone of her position. He asks me to GIVE HER CV IN and out in a good word for her. Which I do. (So naive).

This is very suspicious. Even if all they did was talk about the weather while alone in her office, it is still completely inappropriate. You're bothered by it because it's clear to you that it was more than dirty pictures and the opportunity for it to have been a PA is there.

There's a book that might help you called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Have him read it and see if he admits to the EA he had. And yes, that absolutely counts as cheating. Does he still deny cheating on you?

polygraph. If he's doing everything to reconcile he'll glad agree to this.

I'm guessing they had sex.

There is too much off here…

This is infidelity. No questions. He cheated.

(1) Your “counselor”: Does he support the not-enough-sex-and-therefore-had-to-cheat theory?

(2) Has your “counselor” done any work on getting your husband to understand that seeking sex elsewhere was the wrong response to what your H perceived as a problem?

(3) If your “counselor” (and it’s no coincidence I have him in quotation marks…) has in any way justified your H actions to a problem you might be accountable for has he explained to YOU should behave to prevent you husband from cheating again?

(4) Does the “counselor” acknowledge this as infidelity? Has the “counselor” called this an affair?

Please – if you accept even an iota of blame for your husbands decision to cheat then you have to be clear on what future actions (or inactions) might “cause” him to cheat again. What if you offer fish for dinner two days in a row? Would that explain why he had to get his phone out and his zipper down?

Why did it end just like that? This a company phone? Two managers? Equal level? Companies tend to have expectations that managers avoid these things… I find it… convenient… that they stop the picture-sharing, she changes jobs and your H still has contact…

Companies seldom use direct action when inappropriate office relationships occur. The most common response is an informal chat with a warning and a strong “suggestion” that it ends. Sometimes a suggestion that maybe it would be better to start looking around for a new opening. The timeline and actions you share support something like that happened.

Does she know that you know about the pictures? Is she still working at your place of employment?

Get him to take a polygraph. Get STD tests.

Yeah, my husband said "just friends"... then it was "just messages"... "we kissed but only on the cheek".... oh wait it was a full blown 18 month physical affair. I am not trying to scare you further. But cheaters lie. Expertly.

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you are here with all of us.

ETA: I can't believe that woman has destroyed other marriages. The nerve of these people.

[This message edited by Coffeecloud at 5:37 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Everything above here!! Please get std tests and demand he do a polygraph.

Thank you for all the replies and empathy. It really is a difficult time.

He acknowledges his communication was lacking and that he should have just spoken to ME about how he felt instead of looking for sexual relief in porn and then eventually that was not enough an actual person showed interest and he crossed the line.

He has said I have no part in what he did and it’s 100% on him. He now sees the cheat in it and says he would be shattered if the roles were reversed. However at the time was caught up in the porn cycle and literally saw this as porn.

That is why he says he didn’t think anything of getting her a job at my workplace.

I am still battling to get answers from him to a lot of my questions. Lots of I don’t know why. I can’t really remember to back then. I’m not sure. This really is a BIG THING for me. I need to know.

We talk often about it but he just seems to say the same stuff now. Like we have hit a brick wall. Just wish we could break through to getting some of the answers I need.

Ps- amazing how things work. Head office dissolved the location of our workplace and moved everyone to different locations 1 Aug 2018. I found out 23 August so I no longer have to see her. But by him bringing her into my life I now have SO MANY MORE triggers and memories as apposed to if he just left her where she was after the cheat.

[This message edited by Kudulies at 1:00 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

I am still battling to get answers from him to a lot of my questions. Lots of I don’t know why. I can’t really remember to back then. I’m not sure. This really is a BIG THING for me. I need to know.

Ask him for a detailed timeline and tell him he will be taking a polygraph on it when it is finished and if he fails, there will be consequences such as you seeing a lawyer and planning your life without him. I'm betting he will suddenly come up with plenty of answers or he will refuse and you will know he's still lying and not willing to R with you unless it's rug sweeping.

We speak this afternoon. He has timeline prepared.

He has said

“No more secrets. No more lies. How will you react once you know the truth” in a WhatsApp message this morning.

Let’s see.

Sending you strength. ((Hugs))