I wouldn't say I just found out, it happened two days after Christmas but I didn't know where else to post. My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 9. We have two kids, 7 and 5. I caught him last year (2017) exchanging hundreds of text messages with a coworker, none of which I actually got to see, only the log from the cell phone company. I confronted him about it, told him I wanted a divorce then but we got through it (or so I thought) and stayed together.
Fast forward to two days after Christmas. We'd had another family over and were all hanging out, playing games and having some drinks. H passes out and my curiosity gets the better of me and I check his phone because I'm still paranoid from the last time. Come to find out he has an encrypted facebook conversation with a different coworker, one that's 12 years younger than him, has a child and is recently or still in the process of getting divorced and someone he trained at work.
Sent her a few messages pretending to be him, she calls him baby, tells me about how she's lying in bed thinking about him.. same old story. I confront him, he says they're just friends but he cares about her. She says she's in love with him, he says he's not in love with her. I don't even know now how it happened but we agreed to try to work through things and see if we can get past everything, he says he will cut off all contact with her outside of work (they're on the same shift, because of course they are). I pour my heart and soul into trying to get things to work, being what he needs and still holding down everything with the house, he doesn't show the same effort. I drive myself crazy every single day trying to find out what he's doing or who he's talking to and we fight and I cry for two months.
Long story short I find out he never cut off contact, he just hid it better. He took off work for Valentine's Day (I will now forever hate this holiday) and spent it with her, though he claims they still haven't had sex. That same day I had written out a long love note to him, telling him all the things I love about him and how I want them forever.
Right now we are "separated" which I put in quotes because we are still living under the same roof. I don't have anywhere to go to take the kids and he still hasn't told his family what is going on in order to be able to stay with one of them. He keeps telling me he doesn't know what he wants (to stay together or divorce) and foolishly I still want to be together. We've been together since I was 19, he's all I've ever known. I lost all of my friends over the years so he is 1/3 of my entire world. Everything we own is stuff we bought together, things to make our life together and a life for our children.
We had another long talk last night about the future and he says he still doesn't know what he wants. That we have been so unhappy together for so long (and he's right, we haven't been in a good place for at least a couple of years, partly due to my untreated depression and anxiety which I have now sought treatment for) that he's not sure he can ever get past the resentment that he's carrying for me.
I don't want to do the pick me dance but I so desperately don't want to lose the only man I've ever loved, everything I've worked so hard for and change the lives of my children forever that I don't know what else to do. I know it never works and I'm probably just causing myself more hurt but I want so badly for him to realize what a mistake divorcing would be and that we could be happy together again if we were both willing to put in the work. He says he's not sure he wants to try and that at some point you have to accept that we're not meant to be. But he also tells me he still loves me and cares about me and isn't sure he wants to divorce.
I know I'm rambling at this point and I apologize. This hole in my heart is all-consuming and I can't eat or sleep. I'm managing to keep a happy face on until the kids are in bed and then fall apart either after they're asleep or in my car on the way to work. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally and surviving on adrenaline alone at this point. My H works nights so 90% of the kid related responsibility falls to me.
Where do I go from here? I obviously can't make him choose me, and I'm not sure I could ever get past the heartache he's caused me. I'm terrified to lose him and yet not sure I want to keep him. I would love to go to counseling but we can't afford it, especially if we split. I won't be able to afford the house or the van we bought last year by myself, and we make similar salaries so I won't be receiving alimony if we do split. Everything in my life is a giant question mark and I can't see a path forward and it is killing me.
Thank you for reading. I'm so sorry a place like this is needed but relieved to find a place where people will understand exactly what I'm going through. My family tries to help and understand but I will be the first to get divorced if we go that way so it's all new ground.