SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Beencrushed posted 2/21/2019 13:13 PM

I am a first timer here so please bare with me as I write through the pain. Found out 2 1/2 months ago my wife was
texting and calling another guy, they would talk on phone for hour and a half at times but would be almost every day. She said they started talking at work at lunch time, he was not a co worker but a construction worker that was working at her facility at the time. Not sure how long it was going on but I know at least 2 months. Long story short we reconciled after I found out after 2 weeks went by of trying to move on whole heartedly between both of us I thought I find out they where still talking. We then had another breakdown and she finally ended it with him. We are trying to work through it again and now I find she is texting another guy from work, she says there only friends but I say she shouldn’t be talking to another man it’s not acceptable by me. She gets angry when I look at phone records and question why she is still texting him and erasing most of the texts. When I ask her why she says because it is things I may take wrong. What should I do ? Move on? I love her and believe in reconciliation but she doesn’t seem to want to give up certain things and says she is not doing anything wrong.

Dreamdaisy posted 2/21/2019 13:38 PM

Hi, sorry you are dealing with this, it mirrors my situation perfectly. Same as you my partner visited a female friend, but kept the visits secret, still don't know to this day whether there was more to it, but like your wife, doing this stuff in secret is still betrayal.. You should get her to read "not just friend's" by Shirley Glass, it clearly explains all this stuff. Hope this helps.

benomania posted 2/21/2019 13:41 PM

sounds like she's in the FOG. And has NO respect for you and your marriage.
Set hard parameters and set the tone now.
If you don't this will spiral.
If she loves you she will comply
If she doesn't comply - there's your answer
Sorry this is happening.
Trust your gut and don't waiver.
Be strong and stand up for what's right.
Harder days will likely come your way; but this too shall pass.
Wishing you the best as you travel this rocky road. Remember though; we are in the car next to you on the same shitty road.
Talk here. We will support each other.

Beencrushed posted 2/21/2019 14:04 PM

Thank you, I have tried to set
boundaries with her co worker texting her and her erasing them. I told her it needs to stop because it bothers me and she should or he should find a new friend . Her response is they have to work together and there is nothing going on. Is it unreasonable for me to demand this in our current situation? I am not and never have been a jealous person but right now through this those things bother me. I’m at the point that even if she stops I don’t know if I can handle her even working with him. I’m afraid if I ask her to stop all contact and find a new job what her reaction will be. Am I being blinded by my love for her? Or just being alone if it doesn’t work out?

Beencrushed posted 2/21/2019 14:20 PM

I wouldn’t wish this stuff on anybody thank you for the book you suggested I will look into it. I hope things get better for you. Hopefully some day we can help someone else in our situation.

totallydumb posted 2/21/2019 14:26 PM

You are not out of line asking her to stop the texting.
Someone suggested "Not Just Friends", google it and read it together with your WW.
It explains what is going on here, if your WW doesn't see this after reading not just friends, you may have a bigger problem.

Bbygrl1079 posted 2/21/2019 15:06 PM

Men and women cannot be friends. It ends in attraction and ultimately sex. My husband never believed this but here I am betrayed and they started out as just friends. Now he understands why I refuse to have any close friends. The females will try to take what you've got and eventually the men will try to get with you.
You are absolutely being reasonable.

Buster123 posted 2/21/2019 15:06 PM

I'm sorry that you're here, do you have children together ? how long married ? your WW is not remorseful at all, she should be bending over backwards to make you feel safe, it sounds that you rugswept her A with OM1 and she didn't face any consequences for her huge betrayal, you seem fearful and that makes you look very weak, please stop being her doormat, she's walking all over you, here's a basic list of things a WW should do to have a chance to R successfully:

1)NC FOREVER with OM(s), she needs to send an NC Letter (that you approve and watch her hit send) to both OMs, If I was you I would demand she find another job immediately (yes another consequence of her A).

2)Demand she gets tested for STD's (you should too), adults involved in workplace A's and who are in close proximity don't just stop at texting and holding hands, they typically have sex and lots of it, workplace A's are notorious for "lunch quickies".

3) EXPOSE her A's with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse), nothing kills an A like full exposure, plus it will provide an extra set of eyes to help ensure NC.

4) Consult a D attorney to know your legal options, if she continues to cheat and not do the necessary work to help restore the M she destroyed, D is your only option to get out of infidelity.

5)If you still decide to R, demand she signs a postnup in your favor in case you later decide this is/was a deal breaker for you or if she cheats again in the future, remember she's now a proven cheater and liar.

Keep posting, this is a crucial time and you could use the guidance and collective wisdom of SI, you're member number 69,897, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script and we've seen thousands of scenarios play out.

DIFM posted 2/21/2019 15:25 PM

Sorry for the pain you are going through. As others advised, require her to read the book.

You did not reconcile the first time, you rugswept. You cannot have boundaries of any meaning if there are no consequences to crossing the boundary. Otherwise, they are just optional requests.

She will say things to make it sound like you are crazy or that your thoughts are the ones out of the norm. This is called gasligthing and when you see these traits, there is almost certainly more under the surface than the bad you already see.

At best she is being disrespectful and insensitive, at worst she is committed to complete disregard for who you thought she was. Be vigilant. If she says you can't see the texts because you might be troubled by them, you know you have a significant problem.

The1stWife posted 2/21/2019 16:47 PM

she doesn’t seem to want to give up certain things and says she is not doing anything wrong.

This will be hard to get past.

She doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong. She has cheated. She has not been honest. She has disrespected you.

I lived with my H watching him have a 4 year EA that he denied. Never admitted it. Swept under the rug when it finally ended. My reward? He had a second EA five years ago that led him to want a Divorce.

If yiyrcwife refuses to acknowledge her behavior and poor boundaries you have very little to work with in terms of Reconciliation. Sorry to say.

If she stays in the mindset of “I did nothing wrong” the. You need to start to detach and do the hard 180 and impose some detachment in your Marriage. Because you should not be the third person in your Marriage. And if she stil talk to the AP you are third in line - not a good place to be.

GoldenR posted 2/21/2019 16:54 PM

Tell her since she won't respect proper material boundaries, that you will be removing yourself from infidelity and she should expect to be served in the near future. Then pull the 180 and watch. If nothing changes, file.

Robert22205https posted 2/21/2019 17:27 PM

Maybe it helps to view her obsessive texting as an addiction. Although she may stop for a few days or weeks, she won't or can't stop permanantly without professional help. High volume texting with one person typically triggers the same feel good chemical reactions as face to face contact (treat it no differently than a secret face to face meeting).

Both of you should read: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. It's provides a solid researched based foundation for identifying inappropriate behavior (including texting). It also provides you with the technical terms you'll need for discussing the harmful impact of her texting on you and your marriage. And after reading the research and case studies she won't be able to effectively argue that 'nothing is going on' or you're unreasonable.

Finally, in order to get her attention, she needs to really believe you are willing to exit the marriage rather than live with a partner that makes you feel unsafe. The following is not effective: crying, pleading, or trying to compete with the OM for her attention.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 5:31 PM, February 21st (Thursday)]

Foolmeonce120 posted 2/21/2019 17:49 PM

I think it’s absolutely inappropriate and insensitive to be talking to anyone of the opposite sex during this vulnerable time. If things were different, maybe?

manofintegrity posted 2/21/2019 20:55 PM

You out her and her AP’s publicly, ensuring their girlfriend or wife know first, tell their workplace and coworkers, family and FB friends. You may want to send out a bunch of friend request to all of their friends. Then do the 180 or divorce. If you don’t have kids, you’ll be better off letting one of those loser men have her. They won’t want her once they have got what they wanted.

Beencrushed posted 2/22/2019 04:53 AM

Thank you all for your help and advice, it got me through a very rough day yesterday. I wanted to give an update: so here is the confusing part, I laid out the boundaries, NC with either man, find a new job, and lots of counseling. I told her it’s still not a guarantee but I would give it another try. ( now I have a lot more things to get over then just construction worker A) was still working on that one when co-worker texting began. She is worried that if she quits her job (which is a decent paying job and she has ten years there) and I still leave she won’t be able to support herself and her kid, (By the way we do not have any kids together but we do have a blended family 6 kids between the two of us, been married 4 years we are both in our 40’s). My question is : I struggle with if I can get over construction worker affair, she says they never had sex I don’t know if I believe it he was 19 years younger then her what else could there have been? So I beat myself up with did they or didn’t they? Not sure I want to know the truth, or just think the worst case and try to rebuild our marriage . I’m afraid if I find out later they did for sure don’t know if I could except it. So confused!! Do you think I need to know truth? Or just assume they did (not knowing for sure) and TRY to move on. Not sure I want to know. Which one will drive me more crazy, knowing for sure or assuming they did but not sure?( So confused right now)

oldtruck posted 2/22/2019 07:00 AM

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Then why is your WW deleting those texts?

At the minimum your WW is having her 2nd EA.
Where there is smoke there is fire. So most likely
one or both of those EA's have become a PA.

Time to expose this affairs without giving your WW
prior warning. Expose this affair to WW parents,
siblings, OMW's, parents, siblings. Find contact
info on facebook.

Also contact the HR department where the WW and OM
works.

oldtruck posted 2/22/2019 07:02 AM

Polygraph test for your WW is a must.

manofintegrity posted 2/22/2019 08:04 AM

Adults don’t get together to talk, fondle and kiss twice. If your 40 something wife, 6 kids between you, with a good job, after 4 years of marriage is texting two guys at the same time...I can guarantee you that these two players are not her first two in your marriage or even before...and there may be more waiting in line. Guys talk on lunch break in the construction trailer. You can bet they all already know which married chicks are ready and willing. Just go grab a hard hat, 😎 sunglasses, write her company name and inspector on front and back. Stand out by their job site at the time the girls walk out. It is not hard to tell which girls are up for crabs and which men are the players. They will be exchanging numbers, extended eye gazing, smiles, and meeting at their cars.

Did you ever talk to the previous man in her life. If she was not happy she could have came to you. Don’t do the pick me dance. Do not let her throw the good sex on you. Do get tested for STD’s. You guys are in the honeymoon phase. You do understand you are in for a lot of heartache down the road if this is the best she has to offer. Work on you, stay healthy and do the the right thing for you and your children.

As far as knowing some other man had his Wiener schnitzel inside her. I’d bet there were more than two different ones in her lifetime. That was the least of my worries. Forgiving for all of the lies, hurtful comments, rewriting marriage history, minimizing, trickle truths, not getting an Std, rebuilding trust in anyone...now that is where it gets tough. Out them all to their workplace and construction superintendent. Hang in there. You will make it. We all have been through it and know what you are going through.

[This message edited by manofintegrity at 8:17 AM, February 22nd (Friday)]

Stevesn posted 2/22/2019 08:38 AM

Personally I think you need the truth if you are ever going to get over this. Working through this and coming together with a stronger marriage is possible, but not likely with your WW’s current frame of mind.

I would tell her to apply for new jobs now. If she can get one quick enough she can switch jobs and not spend some time jobless.

I’d also tell her she will have to write a timeline of both affairs, recover lost messages and raise the money to take a polygraph to prove she is telling the truth.

Have you ordered Not Just Friends? Order it on amazon and get it delivered overnight and start reading chapters together and discussing.

But BeenCrushed, I believe the most important thing you can do is have an open discussion with her and ask her some very pointed questions.

Youre actions have broken my heart. I am even unsure if you care.

If you are not happy in this marriage and feel you prefer flirting with and having sex with others, then tell me. I do not want to work hard to reconcile with a wife who does not want to be with me.

I want an exclusive relationship for life. If you don’t want that, dont lie to me. At least show me the respect to tell me the truth. I don’t deserve to live a lie.

If you want me and only me, show me that. Do the hard work to regain my trust. Research what it takes to repair a marriage after infidelity and create a plan to heal us.

Otherwise let me go. My heart is already broken. Don’t pile on the pain by lying about what you want.

I’m sorry you are here my friend. Don’t accept less than you need to feel safe in your relationship. And don’t build reconciliation on lies.

Take care

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:38 PM, February 22nd (Friday)]

SaddestDad posted 2/22/2019 08:49 AM

Manofintegrity... did you just coin the term wiener schnitzel?