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Still processing what happened

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Brokenheart60 posted 2/14/2019 15:32 PM

To 1faith : We were not married but the rules were the same ( at least for me) and she is still with other man. We were together for twelve years and her daughter ( who has really turned her life around) considers me her dad and the daughters two boys 14 and 11 consider me their papaw. I really didn't look to see if this site was only for married couples. The pain and devastion is the same! The encouragement I have received has really helped and I hope there is no distinction made for non married couples.

Jduff posted 2/14/2019 15:54 PM

It is not just for married couples. It is for everyone. Knowing marital/common law status helps with giving accurate advice, especially with preparing for divorce.

Just know that what you feel know we have all felt. We have all been down this same path of pain. There is no "getting over" it. There is only working through it. You have a lot of great support available here. You are in great company.

If you haven't already, look into The Healing Library on the left of this page. In it is a great primer on how to detach from your wayward partner called the 180. Detachment is the key first step to your healing.

Freeme posted 2/14/2019 16:16 PM

Just want to second what others are saying. The best thing you could do for yourself right now is start a hard 180. Keep communication with WW(common Law) to finances only. No more I love you, we can work this out, begging to come back home. Im not saying that I think your relationship is over, what I'm saying is that you need to detach enough (using a hard 180) to see the relationship more clearly and make a more level headed decision on what's best for you.

You can do this,

LivingWithPain posted 2/14/2019 16:51 PM

She blames me for not being more attentive ( I probably could have done better).

Yep...its an excuse that is older than Pharaoh's jockstrap. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Believe what she does and not what she says. She left you for another man. That is the ONLY truth. She doesn't give a damn about you. Quit talking to her. There is no reason to talk to her.

Get yourself back to Florida and look for a new woman, and this time look for a woman who doesn't need saving. You have a bad case of White Knight Syndrome my friend. Look for a woman who wants to take care of you as much as you take care of her.

hatefulnow posted 2/14/2019 17:16 PM

Brokenheart60,

You have my complete sympathy and respect. I'm divorced from XWW but we date as a couple so I don't usually give advice. I want to share something that I've learned, though. Wayward spouses are usually delusional. They rewrite marital history, they often selectively forget all the good things they have with us.

Your situation is painful but not unique. It's part of the WS playbook. Cheating 101.

You are unsupportive even though moved from a great place to a relatively bad place out of the love you have for your wife.

You are unsupportive even though you helped her daughter through drug addiction and getting her life back on track.

You are unsupportive, but stood by HER mother as she was dying.

You are unsupportive even though she is the one who cheated.

You are unsupportive even though ALL her friends knew and didn't care enough to drop a dime.

Really? If she feels that way and wants to go, give her what she wants. Actions speak louder than words. I know it's a cliché but clichés exist for a reason. She might SAY she wants you back, but is POSOM still living in her mother's house? Has she broken contact? Has she confessed to everything and given you any details you feel you need?

Give me a break. It's time to go hard on her, for her own good as well as yours. Healing library on the left and hard 180!

Just sayin'

1Faith posted 2/14/2019 17:43 PM

Brokenheart60,

My apologies my question was misunderstood. I only asked to get context of your situation.

Of course your hurt is just as valid as anyone's.
And of course you are welcome here. Again, I apologize if my question made you feel otherwise.

You can still be Dad/PaPaw...her choices don't have to define your relationships with her family. They sound very lucky to have you in their life.

Look up the 180* and keep posting. Take it day by day.

(((many hugs and prayers)))

Brokenheart60 posted 2/14/2019 20:12 PM

You don't Know and I will have a hard time describing how much my spirits have been lifted in only two days on the site. There was probably a time in my life when ( probably due to excessive pride) I would have considered a site like this as unnecessary! I really was in a pretty bad place when I turned to the site. With no close family that I feel close enough to, to confide my grief, this site is exactly what I needed. Thanks to everyone who has sent kind words. You have made a difference!

Brokenheart60 posted 2/14/2019 20:26 PM

The w/s still has him living with her.
She grudgingly admitted to the affair after at first describing him as a friend and confidant only. After a short time on this site you learn quickly that her friends only description/excuse is pretty widespread. I can see that this is a process and will take alot of work and patience. Nice to be able to vent to people of honor! Thanks everybody!

Terrain posted 2/14/2019 20:27 PM

This site is filled with a lot of great information and helpful people. It has been a very valuable resource for me.

Starzen posted 2/14/2019 20:33 PM

So sorry you are going through this BrokenH. Keep reading and posting. The wisdom here is great, regardless of how unfortunate it is we are here. Ignore her words, watch the actions. That's my best advice for you. Take care of yourself!

The1stWife posted 2/14/2019 23:10 PM

B60

You are a young guy. You have a good life ahead of you.

You need to be positive.

The 180+++ - will limit any contact with the XGF.

You may want to consider ghosting her and returning to Florida and reviving your career.

She cheated. She chose to cheat. She will blame you b/c that is what cheaters do. They rewrite the entire relationship or marriage. They blame everyone else for the Affair. Except themselves. So typical.

It’s important you come from a place of strength and power. You need to put yourself first now. You deserve to detach and get away from her.

Perhaps some professional counseling may help you. It saved my sanity. Literally.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/15/2019 08:10 AM

My now ex did the same thing with the "I'll never stop loving you" while riding the other man. They're trying to calm their guilty feelings when they see the pain you're in. Realize that she doesn't mean what she's saying, she's just trying to make you 'feel better' in her warped way.

Read in the Healing Library about the 180 and employ it if you haven't already. It will help you to detach and heal quicker. I'd suspect the your g-friend left the relationship a long time ago but kept you around for the selfish reason that you were helping her and her daughter physically and financially. Now that all of the tragedies are over, she doesn't need you anymore and is moving on with another man.

I feel bad for you in your state right now but know that your pain is temporary. Know also that she's doing you a big favor in revealing who she really is.

Brokenheart60 posted 2/15/2019 10:12 AM

Finally got around to the 180 that so many have suggested. The healing library has so much information that deals directly with the main issues at hand. I wonder if the articles are mainly written by clinicians or survivors? One of the most difficult things for me is the down time. Sitting around and letting your mind wander down that dark hole of worry. I tell myself that the worst has already happened. The discovery of the affair was gut wrenching. One day I'm in a great relationship and a happy grandpa life, and then everything I thought I knew is no longer.

Brokenheart60 posted 2/15/2019 10:21 AM

When me and w/s first met she was still recovering from a cheating ex husband
We talked so much about infidelity and the toll it had taken on her. According to her at the time every man she had been with cheated on her. I really felt like she knew the devastation that infidelity caused. Turns out the only man she was ever with that didn't cheat on her was cheated on by her. You can't make this crap up! Why would someone that had been devastated by infidelity decide to cheat on the honorable one?

1Faith posted 2/15/2019 11:53 AM

Why would someone that had been devastated by infidelity decide to cheat on the honorable one?

It sounds like a cliche but it is true...it is because they are broken. They are looking to fill a void and they are selfish.

As much as we WANT and NEED to fix the WS we can't. We simply can not. And that is so hard for us.

Again as simple as it sounds, you can't fix her because you didn't break her.

She has to come to terms on what type of person she wants to be, what she holds true to herself, what she honors, what she cares about. No amount of loving her, begging her or lecturing her will result in change if she doesn't want to change.

Right now she doesn't have to change. (((gently))) she has the AP living with her and she is keeping you on the line for Plan B.

It hurts, it sucks. Allow yourself to grieve. It is a loss and you are in mourning for the relationship you thought you had, for the person you thought she was and for all the good/bad times you shared. Normal. Heart wrenching but normal.

You are a good person. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Remind yourself of that in the tough times.

Praying for strength for you.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/15/2019 12:05 PM

It's important at this time to busy yourself with a hobby or project. Find something that you like to do and start the learning and mastering process. Keep your mind engaged with making new friends too. Begin your new life.

TimSC posted 2/15/2019 12:27 PM

If you are not married, what is holding you in this toxic relationship.

Since she is from the area, the OM is probably an XBF that she never got over. Do you really want her back after what she has done?

I would pack my suitcase and move back to FL where you have friends. Cut communication with her. Wish her well, then leave.

There really is no reason for you to stay around and let her rip your heart out on a daily basis.

LivingWithPain posted 2/15/2019 12:34 PM

The w/s still has him living with her.

Okay. Stop right there. No more needs to be said. This is all you need to know about how she feels about you.

Dump her, do what you need to do legally to separate or divorce and move on with your life.

LivingWithPain posted 2/15/2019 12:37 PM

When me and w/s first met she was still recovering from a cheating ex husband
We talked so much about infidelity and the toll it had taken on her. According to her at the time every man she had been with cheated on her. I really felt like she knew the devastation that infidelity caused. Turns out the only man she was ever with that didn't cheat on her was cheated on by her. You can't make this crap up! Why would someone that had been devastated by infidelity decide to cheat on the honorable one?

I would bet money she was lying through her teeth. Did you ever ask her ex if she cheated on him? I'll bet you he would give you a much different story than what she told you.

One of the most difficult things for me is the down time. Sitting around and letting your mind wander down that dark hole of worry

Now is the time to get back in touch with old friends, re-immerse yourself in hobbies you gave up when you moved in with her, and discover new pastimes. Fill all that down time with working out, exercising, and doing things to improve yourself.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 12:41 PM, February 15th (Friday)]

LivingWithPain posted 2/15/2019 12:45 PM

She blames me for not being more attentive ( I probably could have done better)

I had to go back to this.

Ask yourself: was she attentive to you? Did she go out of her way to do nice things for you, or to make you feel special and loved? Did she go out of her way to make you feel like you were the greatest guy on earth? Or did she just keep you around to be a caretaker for her ailing mother while she was off running around with another dude?

I'll bet she didn't do any more than you did for her. Probably less. It takes two to make a relationship work. Don't let her gaslight you.

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