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Still processing what happened

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Brokenheart60 posted 2/13/2019 12:19 PM

Where to begin? Just found this site after about 90 days since D-Day. Shocked and surprised best describes current state of mind. Beginning to see ( as I look back) signs I missed. Still being contacted by w/s saying she still loves me and can never stop loving me! If you knew the whole story ( I'm sure everyone says that)you would say (" wow your a moron"). No family or close friends to confide in so was lucky to find this site. Just reading some of posts has helped. Help!

[This message edited by Brokenheart60 at 12:33 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]

1Faith posted 2/13/2019 12:35 PM

Welcome to SI. The club no one ever to join.

Please know this is a safe place to share your experiences, your hurt and uncertainty. We understand; you are not alone.

Please head up to the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner. A lot of really great information there for you to read and consider.

Please know that you did nothing wrong. No relationship is perfect but nothing justifies infidelity.

you would say (" wow your a moron")

Nope, not here. You'll get advice from people who are living or have lived through this sh*ts storm of betrayal but you will not be called a moron. Because you are not. You loved and trusted. That is noble.

Please share the rest of the story when you are ready.

We are here and ready to listen.

(((hugs and prayers)))

Robert22205https posted 2/13/2019 12:58 PM

I'm sorry for your pain. You're not the first to walk this path and soon will receive a great deal of experienced advice for dealing with this trauma .

Generally the more information you provide the more targeted the advice.

For example:
How old are you guys?
How long married?
Tell us about her affair: who, where, how did they meet?
Did she move out?
In retrospect, what signs?

Michigan posted 2/13/2019 13:23 PM

If you knew the whole story ( I'm sure everyone says that)you would say (" wow your a moron").


You didnít see it because you were too trusting. You probably projected. You couldnít conceive of doing it so you couldnít conceive of her doing it.

Itís like missing clues that there are leprecans around us. You donít think they exist so you find a different expiations for things.

Then one jumps out at you and everything fits.

[This message edited by Michigan at 1:26 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]

The1stWife posted 2/13/2019 13:30 PM

Iím sorry you are here but S.I. will provide tremendous support to you.

First please know that the A has nothing to do with you. It is not your fault. Nothing you did (or didnít do) caused your spouse to cheat. The cheater CHOSE to cheat.

Second you are not obligated to continue to have contact or interaction with the cheating spouse. If it is too painful - stop all interaction. It is your call.

And lastly I suggest counseling for you. To help you process the trauma and pain. I will tell you it saved my sanity.

Butforthegrace posted 2/13/2019 13:32 PM

Begin at the beginning. Tell your story here. You'll find a supportive community of caring strangers, some of whom might offer some helpful advice.

Brokenheart60 posted 2/13/2019 13:39 PM

Thanks for the timely responses!just knowing others are going through similar difficulties and are willing to share and reach out with words of comfort will really help. Not sure if everyone who sent kind words will see this, but thank you so much! My heart is heavy and the kind words were inspirational.

BrokenGiant posted 2/13/2019 14:12 PM

I'm sorry that you are here as well. Like you, we all each have our stories to tell. SI gave me clarity and the encouragement I needed in my darkest hour. I mustered enough courage to tell my WW, what she did was wrong and that I didn't have any part in her A. Like many others have said, we are responsible for 50% of our own shit in our marriages. But are 0% responsible for causing them to decide to act and have an A. We have had countless opportunities to do so, but we said No. They gave in to the A and made a conscious decision to betray us.
I send you strength!

Brokenheart60 posted 2/13/2019 14:41 PM

I just need to tell someone what happened! Relocated from a beautiful place and great life as real estate professional in Florida to cold dreary Indiana. Immediately started having problems mainly due to the enabling of a drug addicted/ irresponsible daughter, who ultimately lost her children twice. I stayed and was supportive as both of her parents battled with terminal cancer. Spent all of 2017 (literally all) acquiring and remodeling a nice home for the daughter and two children. Her daughter finally got her life together, and to this day credits me with inspiring her to attend and graduate from college. February 2018 was spent being supportive as she moved into her mother's house to take care of her as she battled terminal cancer. During the final quarter of 2018 I was the only one who was able and frankly the only one her mother felt comfortable with getting her in and out of bed with a hoyer lift for doctor appointments. In mid October after the passing of her mother I received an email that was being sent to a group of her friends and accidentally sent to me, basically complaining about needing to hide with her affair partner. Seems as if I was the only one who didn't know. Needless to say I felt like a fool. Shocked,embarrassed and hurt pretty well describes my initial reaction. She inherited her mother's house and moved him in around Thanksgiving. After all of this she still tells me she loves and can never get me out of her head! It's been a little over 3 months and I still can't believe this happened. Have tried to read as much about infidelity as possible and was lucky to find this site. She blames me for not being more attentive ( I probably could have done better). We were together for 12 years and I believed she was the one. Now I'm 60 years old and starting over! It helps to write this even if it feels like just it's going into the cold vacuum of space called the internet.

LifeLostLongAgo posted 2/13/2019 14:48 PM

This can be solitary, desolate journey, but SI is the best of the internet. It shows how the net SHOULD be used. A group of hurt noble people banded and branded in the fire helping.

Cooley2here posted 2/13/2019 18:10 PM

Donít ever give up. Sixty is a wonderful age. So is 30.
I hope you stop paying attention to her lies. She seems to be playing you.
Please look after your finances and see a lawyer. You are so vulnerable right now that she might try to take advantage of you.
Good luck and keep posting.

Brokenheart60 posted 2/13/2019 18:26 PM

I've only been active on this site a short time and have already found the support to be wonderful. I thank all who have taken the to time reach out with kind words. I feel inspired by those of you who while enduring your own grief have the courage to reach out to others. I'm not quite sure I'm at place where I feel ready to console others, but I'm truly thankful for those of you who are.

RubixCubed posted 2/13/2019 18:48 PM

She blames me for not being more attentive ...

This is said by almost every wayward wife. Standard cheater script in the rewritten (read guilt-relieving) history of your marriage.

1) Don't believe a word she says.
2) Move back to Florida.
3) Get a lawyer and get divorced as fast as possible.

Unhinged posted 2/13/2019 22:57 PM

Hey there, Brokenheart60. Welcome to SI. I'm sorry you've had to find us here, but you've come to the right place.

She blames me for not being more attentive ( I probably could have done better).
Blame-shifting is extremely common, straight out of the "Cheaters' Handbook." In order to justify infidelity, they will blame their BS for not meeting some bullshit 'need,' painting themselves as the victim, rewriting their marital history, and so on and so

Don't blame yourself. She is 100% responsible for her own issues, her choices and her actions. You didn't make her do anything. She chose to have an affair, to lie, to deceive and betray. Nothing you did or didn't do, nothing said or didn't say, would have made any difference in the world.

My WW did the same shit, brother, and it didn't sit very well with me at all. Not one bit.

It's been a little over 3 months and I still can't believe this happened.
If I remember correctly (it was a few years ago and hazy even then) I finally gave up trying to understand why my wife betrayed me about two years after d-day. Maybe I'm just a slow learner. I'm one of those people who has to understand things. Drives me nuts when I can't figure it out. But this? I suppose I've come as close to understanding it all as I ever will, nearly four years out. Ultimately, though, it's beyond my of comprehension because it's beyond my experience.

Three months out is extremely early. You've got a long way to go, man, and it might get worse before it gets any better. It's a mind-fuck of truly epic proportions.

Focus on you, your recovery and healing. Eat right, hit the gym, drink lots of water. All that good shit. Your body's gonna need the boost because you'll be spending a lot of energy just dealing with the hurt and the rollercoaster and all the other shit that comes this with shit storm. Take care of yourself.


Brokenheart60 posted 2/14/2019 14:21 PM

I want to thank all of you who have reached out! Just reading your words has made the last two days ( new to site)less anxiety ridden than the previous three months has been. I believe this will be a longer process than I originally thought. The " get over mentality" doesn't work! I'm trying to be as positive as possible, but as soon as I see, hear or think about about something that reminds me of the past I take two steps back. I generally consider myself a strong person but this caught me by surprise and I wasn't prepared for the emotional rollercoaster that was to come. Do most of the w/s continue to contact and profess love while seeing someone else?

squid posted 2/14/2019 14:42 PM

Welcome, Brokenheart60.

So much I want to say that's already been said. Your WW (wayward wife) is going to blameshift, gaslight, and continue to lie for quite some time.

How is she behaving now? Never mind what she's saying. Words are worthless. How is she acting? Is she still with the OM?

What do you want? Sorry for the 20 questions. It will be helpful in order to know how we can help you.

Yes, you're in for a long painful journey. Right now you're still in shock. The rollercoaster of emotions should be kicking in very soon. It WILL get worse before it gets better. 2-5 years is the general timeline. I'm 2 years out from Dday and I'm still a hot mess. So there's no shame in feeling like don't have it together.

Focus on self care and doing things for YOU.

All of those friends on that group email are not your friends. They all need to go. Reach out to family and friends. Tell them everything. This isn't your fault. This is 100% all on her.

Keep posting. We're here.

[This message edited by squid at 2:43 PM, February 14th, 2019 (Thursday)]

1Faith posted 2/14/2019 14:42 PM


Thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry that you are here and are hurting. But glad you have realized that you are NOT alone. SI is the best club no one ever wanted to join.

Few questions:

1) Were you married to your wayward partner?
2) Is the OM (other man) still living with her?

" get over mentality"

Infidelity isn't something you "get over" it is truly something you survive. One day and one step at a time.

(((gently))) On average it takes 2-5 years (yes years) to "heal" and it is a rollercoaster ride from hell of emotions. Hang on. The good news is you can make to the other side and come out stronger but it does take time.

Do most of the w/s continue to contact and profess love while seeing someone else?

If she is still with the OM then she is playing you as Plan B. She wants her cake and eat it to. Please head up to the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner and read all you can about the 180*. As hard as it is, if she is with the OM you need to cut off all contact with her. Don't respond to her. Tell her you have nothing to discuss with her if she is still with OM. NOTHING.

Be kind to yourself. Deep breaths and know that her choice to cheat was just that ... her choice.

(((hugs and prayers)))

Brokenheart60 posted 2/14/2019 14:51 PM

I probably have made this worse by continuing to tell w/s that I still have feelings for her. This probably only goes to embolden her. The first few times I told that I still cared it made me feel better. The last few times I believe that it is more out habit than anything else. I'm very angry and would probably not consider trying to rehab the relationship. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to " forgive and forget"! Does that make me just a bitter s.o.b.? Trying not think about her sleeping with someone else is next to impossible. Can you ever really get past this?

Stevesn posted 2/14/2019 15:12 PM

Tell us friend. Is she still involved/living with the OM?

If so we can give you advice but recommendations are going to include getting tough, taking control, and cutting off all contact.

Itís really the best way to approach it whether you try and reconcile some day, or find your way to happiness with someone else.

I wish you well.

totallydumb posted 2/14/2019 15:26 PM

Hi Broken,

I too, had a WS who tried to play the cake eating bs. She started out with the "we're just friends" crap first, then when I told her that this friendship was not good for our relationship(we were not married, lived common law), and that he had to go, she said I was controlling her.
As a result, I told her she was free to do whatever she wanted, but it would not be happening while she was in a relationship with me, and so I left her to play her games with the AP. That was a year ago yesterday.
WS continued her affair for 3 more months, during which time I had limited contact (text and emails only). I only responded to financial or child issues, but did not respond to any relationship issues.
During the first 3 months I contacted lawyers, set up IC for myself and got my support network of family and friends to help me.
At about the same time that she was ending her affair, I decided that I could not accept her affair and it was a deal breaker for me.
I have since moved on, have not had any contact with XWS and am doing much better.

Please consult with a family law lawyer to find out your legal options. Get yourself a therapist with experience dealing with adultery issues, and try and establish a support network of family and friends. All these things will help you!

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