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How long to crash and burn?

Sad1015 posted 2/9/2019 14:51 PM

Hello Friends,

For those of you whose WS left for the OW/OM and began a relationship/lived together/married - how long did it take for the relationship to crash and burn?

So many friends tell me it will never work as they started the relationship in deceit, sin, and secrecy. But damn he sure seems happy

I would just love it if there was some justice (sigh)

Thanks in advance

[This message edited by Sad1015 at 9:39 PM, February 9th (Saturday)]

honesttoafault posted 2/9/2019 15:05 PM

The operant word here is "SEEMS" happy. You don't know what is going on behind closed doors.

As to when they would "crash and burn"? Many relationships that start in affairs do not last. I know xWH#1's did not, and stbxWH#2 did not either. At that point, I was beyond caring and it didn't matter.

I do understand the feeling that one wishes that the WS would feel the pain we are feeling when we were betrayed. For a long time I wished that the the OP would cheat on WH, but then I realized that because of his NARC tendencies/traits, he doesn't know or can really love another person so wouldn't feel that intense pain.

The only justice you will get is to focus on YOU and live YOUR life the way you see fit.

Phoenix1 posted 2/9/2019 15:15 PM

First, to clarify, don't you mean the *WS* left for AP??

Second, some A relationships DO go on to be happy long term. Rare, but it happens.

Third, and to answer your question, Xhole moved in immediately with his last OW. They had an OC, moved 4000 miles away (to be near his elderly mother), and proceeded to play happy family. Made me want to puke.

Fast forward SIX MONTHS, and Twatwaffle OW secretly left Xhole out of the blue one day while he was at work. She took some random possessions, OC, and jumped in her car to drive to yet another state where her parents live. She then filed a paternity suit against him. Eventually, due to some strange circumstances, I was privy to some of their email communications. His begging and pleading to Twatwaffle was great entertainment, and made me laugh out loud as I read it. His heartbreak from being dumped by Twatwaffle amused me greatly.

Okay, that being said, I would encourage you to change your focus. Don't wait for justice to happen because you may never see it. Instead, focus on you and your healing. The stronger you become, the less you will care about them and their world. Let them become irrelevant to you. By doing that, you win no matter what happens, and if their relationship does implode it is simply icing on an already sweet cake.

Sad1015 posted 2/9/2019 21:43 PM

You are so right honesttoafault. I need to live my life for me.

And Phoenix1, I know that the focus has to turn to me. To rediscover me after so many years of taking care of my family - which I loved doing.

As the kids and I try to adjust to this new normal, he is smiling, whistling, showing up at school events all smiles. I guess I would just love to hear him say that it is hard for him too. That he misses us at least and has a new appreciation of what he lost.

But I guess if he had those feelings of empathy, I would still be in R. thanks for the support

gtflng posted 2/9/2019 22:24 PM

I have a theory about people who leave for the OW/OM, based on what I have seen in the lives of people who are important to me.

Most (if not all) people who leave for the OW/OM don't do the work. They don't look in the mirror and own their shit. Why would they? Look at them, they found true love! The end justified the means. (Insert eyeroll here).

Some of these relationships crash and burn, and others don't. It's just the sad reality. It doesn't make it a healthy relationship, and it certainly doesn't mean it was worth it. It just means they had no internal motivator to take a good hard look at themselves. It means they are blissfully unaware of their brokenness, and find happiness in things non-assholes wouldn't. They don't need what we need - honesty, integrity, true commitment. They are happy with garbage.

Hugs to you, Sad. Be glad you lost the deadweight.

[This message edited by gtflng at 10:24 PM, February 9th (Saturday)]

inconnu posted 2/10/2019 10:11 AM

It's been almost 10 years since ex walked out on me and the kids to be with OW, and they're still together. I don't expect them to crash and burn. Honestly, I hope they're stuck with each other for the rest of their lives so that they can't inflict their toxicity on any other innocent people.

However, just because they're together, it doesn't mean they're happy together. It took several years, but I started hearing stuff from my kids that made it seem like the glitter had worn off and underneath the surface it was kind of ugly. She's super possessive and insecure. Not to mention controlling, and her own kids don't particularly like her. Ex is still avoiding conflict. He's still really good at gaslighting and not giving answers to direct questions. I've heard he's very involved with his hobby again, and is gone on weekends a lot. In other words, same behaviors for him, just with a different wife and household. And no longer my circus.

I'm not saying it's easy. None of being thrown into this shitstorm is easy. But like the others have said, change the focus to you. Take pride in each baby step you take towards recreating the life you want for you and your kids. One day you'll look back and be amazed at how far you've really come.

swmnbc posted 2/10/2019 10:19 AM

My friend's dad is still married to the OW 25 years later. I said to her, "Oh wow, that's really rare. Most WS/OW marriages do not turn into successful relationships." And she said, "I wouldn't call it a *successful* relationship!" Her father is an alcoholic and a spendthrift. The OW sure won a prize!

True love is not selfish. It doesn't rejoice in the suffering of others. It's not based on what it gets, but what it gives. What these two people have is not love. It's a shallow, narcissistic impulse. "This person thinks my sh*t doesn't stink! It must be true love!"

I would bet a lot of money that this relationship won't last. Didn't you say OW has been married three times and is relatively young? What has given this relationship staying power thus far has been the obstacle, a.k.a. mean old Mommy, the wife. When something is forbidden, you convince yourself that if you could have it, you'd be happy. First the euphoria of obtaining the forbidden wears off. Eventually the old urge to check out the grass on the other side overcomes the urge to save face by making the relationship for which you gave up so much work.

I can't promise you tangible justice. It would be great if WH developed some sort of rotting disease on his privates and then OW left him for husband number five, who stole all her money and then ran off with her replacement. But I can promise you that these people don't know what love is, and don't know what makes a person truly happy. Changing partners so often is evidence that they think that happiness is an external entity that one can secure. They don't realize it is an internal entity that one nurtures and that can grow in any soil.

Abbondad posted 2/10/2019 15:05 PM

Hi, Sad,

I posted this awhile ago. I hope it helps.

Snapdragon posted 2/10/2019 16:20 PM

Some of them stay together in misery just to prove that their bad choices weren't really bad. To the outside world they look fine. Inside their marriage is distrust, resentment, lack of respect, etc. If they split up then they just prove to the world that what they did to their respective marriages and families was for nothing. Some people are way too stubborn to allow that.

suckstobeme posted 2/11/2019 09:24 AM

Some crash and burn quick. Others die a long, slow, painful death - a lot like death by 1,000 cuts. I personally wish for the second version of the crash and burn for my ex and the slunt.

One of my favorite quotes from SI is "they cling to their bad choices out of shame." I believe that this is what happens in so many cases. I have made two good friends IRL from SI - all of our ex husbands left and married the OW. It's been about 8-9 years for all of us and none of the "couples" have broken up just yet. It seems to defy the statistics.

However, what doesn't defy statistics is the state of those relationships. In one case, the kids report that they argue regularly and seem to not really like each other. They have not blended their families at all - in fact, some of the kids refuse to see their father because of his attitude and what he's done to blow up their original family. In another one of the cases, the rumor is that the ex is cheating. The OW thought she won a prize, but he was just a turd who tried to drench himself in sprinkles. In my case, my ex waited about 8 years to marry the thing - there was a rumor that she stepped out so I think that decision came as a result of an ultimatum. They've been married for less than 6 months and she's already exerting more control that I think he ever knew existed in a marriage. Even my kids think the level of control is insane. My kids don't like her, my son especially. He begged his father not to marry her, but, as is par for the course, he did what he wanted. So, my DS refuses to go to my ex's house. My DD tolerates her, but regularly fights with the slunt's kids who love to rub in my DD's face that they see her father more than she does. It's nothing short of a shit show. In all of these cases, we hoped for a quick and fiery crash and burn. It hasn't happened. For the sake of my kids, I hope he gets rid of her sooner rather than later. However, for the sake of his own karma, I hope he hangs on to that nasty, controlling, bi-polar skank for the rest of his life. I hope that when he's dying and needs someone to care for him, the OW is long gone and his kids remember that he treated them like an obligation after he left.

That said, regardless of what happens, you have to try to remember that one day you will see it as a good thing that he left. He unfortunately is no longer the person you fell in love with. The guy he is now? This is who he is. He is the guy who could so callously just up and leave his wife and children for the promise of care-free sex. The people who just up and leave are not normal. It's not a normal circumstance so there is no reason to think that he will bring normalcy and reasonableness and genuine love to a new relationship. It's a mess. You just won't see how much of a mess it is for a while. The good news is that by the time you do start to see the cracks in the foundation, you won't care. To me, it's always nice to hear that he is struggling and that their life sucks. At the same time, it has no impact on my life and where I'm going. It's not my circus and I thank God for that every day.

GotTheShaft posted 2/11/2019 09:32 AM

I'm a member of this club. My xWW married her AP and they now appear to be living happily ever after. I'm working on trying to accept this and move on, but I'm still struggling with the unfairness of what their life appears to be.

barcher144 posted 2/11/2019 10:37 AM

For those of you whose WS left for the OW/OM and began a relationship/lived together/married - how long did it take for the relationship to crash and burn?

As far as I know, my first wife has been re-married for close to 20 years.

I would just love it if there was some justice (sigh)

Justice, to be honest, is YOU living well. Stop worrying about your WS.

brokenbride8 posted 2/11/2019 11:43 AM

Man...I'm in the wondering boat...Currently going through a divorce and it kills me to think him and the OW may live happily ever after. Trying to focus on me, but it just doesn't seem fair.

Simplicity posted 2/11/2019 14:54 PM

"Life's not fair. Anyone telling you otherwise is selling you something."

Princess Bride

My ex lives happily ever after after moving thousands of miles away to join his shameless mistress, with only a pittance in cash to pay for his crimes. I live day by day trying my best to repair my broken life. I'm trying hard, but it's all I can do. In the meantime, neither the husband who abused our relationship, or the trash woman who went after a married man really suffers much. The worst he suffers is the loss of my and my family's support, which I'm sure he calculated into his new life. So I have to actively try not to be upset over the lack of Justice.

barcher144 posted 2/11/2019 14:58 PM

I tried to say something funny. I failed. Sorry.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 3:02 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

Sad1015 posted 2/11/2019 20:28 PM

Thank you, friends. Today was rough. No reason really. Woke up in a mood and found myself crying so hard on my way to work. Stopped by to drop off kids and tells me that he bought new pots and pans with a big smile. I said nothing. Really? Must be nice to be so happy. I was home with a sick kids, an emotional mess and it was all I could do to scratch his eyes out.

I am really trying to focus on me - rediscover me, meet up with friends - but today friends - was a struggle. Thanks for always being here to listen.

Phoenix1 posted 2/11/2019 21:12 PM


J707 posted 2/24/2019 11:51 AM

From Dday to when the AP dumped her after a week long cruise that my WW paid for was 6 weeks. Then they were back together within a month. Final break up was beginning of Ocotber so about 6 months after Dday. I think she was trying to hold on since she blew up our worlds for him. No sooner was he gone she inserts new boyfriend around my kids, she was cheating on AP with this new guy. Somethings never change. I'm trying not to focus on this new guy since he is only dating crazy WW but since he is around my kids and I haven't met him it does bother me. I only know his first name, his truck and license number. It sucks

phmh posted 2/24/2019 13:06 PM


How old are your kids? Do you need to interact with WXS at all to drop them off?

You will get to indifference, as so many of the old-timers above have gotten to (including myself!) but it's so much easier to get there more quickly when you can go NC. Or as low contact as possible with kids.

Can you do anything to put yourself in a position where you'd never have the occasion to learn about a new kitchen purchase?

You've got this. It sucks, hard. It's so unfair. He may have new pots, but you have integrity, and in the long run, I know which one I'd rather have.

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