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Found Out About Her Cheating Not Sure What is My Next Step

wegotonelife posted 1/16/2019 09:44 AM

I'll try to be detailed with short post but please excuse my grammar as it might not be perfect.

Married for 14 years 3 kids under age of 8.

Married life was perfect with no issues until we did not move about 8 years ago, slowly our relationship deteriorated as we had 0 privacy from her parents. We have our own huge house and finally after 8 years in-laws moved out .

I am/was trying to be very supportive husband around the house and with our marriage however we constantly fought over little things, now when we do get into an argument I just give up as there is no point. Am always the lier, doing things wrong etc.

How all evolved:

About year ago wife was spying on me with find iPhone. I found out about iPhone and confronted her. The argument was that my phone was at different location than where I work. I seriously had no idea but after some research.

So that got me thinking, she usually does what she blames me for, which made me suspicious that she might be cheating on me. At first I did not find anything from her phone (Which she guards like a hawk). Finally I set some eyes on her phone and got in. I found out that she has been on a end to end encryption app talking to a some guy constantly. I found out they've exchanged nude pictures.

I am pretty sure they had sex because every time we have sex I get some sort of rash which has not happened in past.

I really have nobody to talk to as over the years she made me believe everyone is bad.


I finance almost everything although we both have good jobs .
Our joint account in which only I direct deposit runs almost check to check and in red zone now and then. I bailed her credit cards few times now times worth of $60k.

Anyway, I don't want to prolong this post as it is long as it is.
Am seeking for advice if I should confront her about the sexting of her and telling her boyfriend how she would love loves him and would like to be with him.

Do I need any more evidence to confront her or is that enough?
Should I wait also for STD results?
I looked up her boyfriend and found tons of stuff on him including that he is married.

I saw few posts here to let his wife know about infidelity or my findings, should I ?
Sooo many questions, hope I get some closure and advice.

Yes I think I do want divorce vs reconciliation as we tried MC before , first time we went to she said that councilor was on my side and wants to **** me , months later we went and she said how I am lying and do nothing and then she just walk out. Councilor was very concerned of her behavior and dealing with confrontation.

Edit: I really couldn't sleep, when I got home from work I said I am not feeling well. But I can not prolong of not feeling well and have such desire to tell her not to even initiate sex or be close to me as I just can not even imagine her body being with someone else and loving or having feeling for somebody else.

[This message edited by wegotonelife at 9:38 AM, January 17th (Thursday)]

Cooley2here posted 1/16/2019 10:26 AM

First thing: health, checkup.
Second thing: finances, lawyer
Third thing: IC.
Fourth thing: separation.

Look up at left corner. Read The Healing Library.

Stay hydrated, eat healthy, get plenty of sleep, find a close friend or relative to confide in. You need good buddies right now.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/16/2019 10:31 AM

So she did the classic alienating you from friends and support and lowering your self-esteem so you'd be a safe partner, then she found another man to have sex with.

Read in the Healing Library on this site about the 180 and implement if for your own sanity. Get your STD's taken care of as soon as possible. Never have sex with her again and don't ever swap body fluids with her i.e. kissing, etc.

Continue with your plan to divorce her. Don't reveal until she's served with divorce papers. Separate her from your accounts. Open a new account and have your checks deposited in it then transfer whatever money is needed for bills to the joint account. Write a list of your stuff that you want to keep and write down all of your assets. Write down her assets too so that she can't claim that her personal account doesn't exist and she can't start hiding assets. Don't sleep in the same bed with her. Find an excuse to sleep elsewhere. She's already given you an STD, don't allow it to get worse; hopefully you don't have an incurable one.

Tell the other betrayed spouse and show her what you've found. Send her the photos and messages that you have so she knows it's real. Don't tell anyone what you're doing. Surprise is the best method. Don't reveal your cards during any of this process.

Make a plan; write it down if needed. Follow your attorney's advice. Stick with the plan; don't allow her to love-bomb you and don't allow her back into your psyche. She's toxic and an energy taker. You're life is going to be more productive and much happier without her. Protect yourself and have a plan in case she falsely accuses you of abuse or attacks you or otherwise tries to ruin your life. Also, start now connecting with old friends and family. Re-establish your support channels. Start working out, eating healthy, and take good care of yourself.

Bigger posted 1/16/2019 10:35 AM

This isnít a court of law. You donít have to prove anything. Especially if you want to divorce.

Simply tell her ďI know you are having an affair with your co-worker Mr. @sshole. I am going to divorce youĒ and thatís it.
Then go file and get the ball moving.

Basically the same applies to reconciliation. No more need to prove that either.

No matter what you do then donít tell her how you know. Lie if you have to: ďI got a call from one of your colleagues. You think nobody knows, but itís the office gossipĒ.

[This message edited by Bigger at 10:35 AM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

Bladerunner2054 posted 1/16/2019 10:51 AM

1. Cancel credit cards.
2. Open another bank account & change DD.
3. Find an attorney and start getting divorce papers ready.
4. Keep STD test results to yourself. Great ammo when legal negotiations start.
5. Put a VAR in her car and GPS tracker.
6. Read healing library.
7. Exercise.
8. Keep posting.

nekonamida posted 1/16/2019 11:29 AM

Hi Wegotonelife. Normally I'd recommend taking time to decide on R or D after confronting but your WW is abusive which means it's time to get out. She is unresponsive to counseling and it doesn't sound like she will be honest with you even if you confront her with sure proof of her cheating. A confrontation could end very poorly for you especially if she calls the police for domestic violence. Keep recording your interactions with her.

Follow the steps from the poster above. Exposing the OM to his BW is important but not at the expense of your safety. Do it after you get legal advice and file D papers. You don't want to tip off your WW by going straight to exposing him.

sisoon posted 1/16/2019 11:56 AM

Welcome to SI, the best club you never wanted to join.

You sound like a loving, capable guy. Gently, do you want to stay in your M if she's not cheating?

It certainly sounds like she's cheating. If she is, I recommend following Bigger's advice. If she isn't, it looks like she abuses you, and your best bet, for you and your children, is to get out.

No need to confront. No need to justify. No need to say anything except, 'Your lawyer needs to talk to my lawyer.' Oh, maybe one or both lawyers prefer to be called 'attorney.'

I think you will need to implement the 180. The best document I've seen on the 180 is 'The Simplified 180' -

Robert22205https posted 1/16/2019 11:58 AM

Speak to an attorney about how D impacts you and particularly how to end your responsibility for her new debt or credit card charges. I'm guessing it takes a formal D filing

Freeme posted 1/16/2019 12:25 PM

I'd want to talk to a lawyer before I confront. It also sounds like she has things all worked out in her head and might try to charge you with fake DV charges so have a VAR on you (our record with you phone) when you are alone with her.

Yes you should tell the OBS but I'd get my ducks in a row before you call her. Ideally you would confront at the same time. Do not tell your WW you are going to tell the OBS, do not try to make your WW tell the OBS, do not try to blackmail the OM into telling his WW... You need to tell her.

Tigersrule77 posted 1/16/2019 13:17 PM

The behavior you describe sounds like an abuser. It sounds to me that you are a victim of emotional and physical abuse. I'm very sorry for your situation.

Your WW sounds unstable. She is clearly a very selfish person who doesn't care for your needs at all.

I would suggest you start the 180 today and go see an attorney. I suggest you discuss the behaviors you described with the attorney. Did your children ever witness this behavior?

I also suggest you start carrying a VAR. Your WW and her mother sound like the type to make up a domestic violence case and have you arrested.

Good luck, stay strong and focus on yourself.

twisted posted 1/16/2019 14:13 PM

My suggestions
1. get checked out for STD's Gather all account information for her accounts, credit cards, etc. before she can hide them, keep them safe.
2. If you can locate, expose to OM's wife. Show her the pic he sent to your wife. let her know the outcome of your STD check, you owe her that out of common decency.
3. sit tight. The OM's wife will most likely confront immediately.
4. Let OM sweat. He'll immediately call you wife.
5. Let your wife sweat it out.
6. Observe behavior, have VAR on you at all times. Nanny cams in the house are a good idea.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 1/16/2019 15:11 PM

Tell the other betrayed spouse and show her what you've found. Send her the photos and messages that you have so she knows it's real. Don't tell anyone what you're doing. Surprise is the best method. Don't reveal your cards during any of this process.

I agree with this EXCEPT - do NOT send the photos at first. Tell the OBS that you have them and that you will send them if they want. Some of us BS do NOT want to see that stuff - like at all! I cannot unburn the things I've read - I can only imagine how I would feel if I saw things. I don't need to see anything (meaning photos) to establish an A - I'm not an idiot and I don't need to harm myself in the process. When I contacted the OBS I told him what I had and asked him what he wanted or that he could have it all (I too downloaded the phone phone drive so I have TONS of stuff - most I haven't looked at as I simply don't want to read/see it) I left that up to him to decide. It is not your job to make the OBS "believe you" unless you have some ulterior motive like you want to R and you want "help" from the OBS in ending the A.

Should I wait also for STD results?

I don't see why - the results will come in when they come in and you will have them either way.

I think I do want divorce vs reconciliation

If D is what you think you want, start setting yourself up for that. Are you in a "fault based location"? In a fault based location infidelity is often a "fault" which can affect or nullify spousal support as well as affect custody, and a whole host of other issues (this really differs from state to state). If you're not, then the court won't care about your evidence of infidelity so what you decide you need to get is for you and you only. As far as the assets go, sometimes a legal separation will stop some of the community estate issues if you are in a community property state. Basically - talk to a lawyer ASAP and find out what you need to do - and I second the advice that says you do this FIRST - before you talk about divorce. It will give you some direction and something to focus on right now. If you feel you can't work - work on this aspect of things.

Confront her if you want to - you don't need VAR recordings or keyloggers (unless there is a legal reason such as fault based issues or if you think she has a drug problem that might affect custody etc) as you already have enough evidence for you. Trust me on this - as someone who collected WAY too much evidence before confrontation the first time, you already know - consider if you will be causing yourself more hurt/anguish by "knowing more". If you need to know all the whens/wheres/whys for your own purposes than collect away. If you know there isn't a legal reason to keep everything quiet until you officially file or your lawyer tells you that you need to, than confront now if you want.

I'm sorry you are here.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:12 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

twisted posted 1/16/2019 15:22 PM

I agree with this EXCEPT - do NOT send the photos at first. Tell the OBS that you have them and that you will send them if they want. Some of us BS do NOT want to see that stuff - like at all!

Yeah, you're probably right on that.

Walkingthewire posted 1/16/2019 15:56 PM

I agree with above. Donít send OBS pictures right off the bat. If she wants them then ok.
I wish I could burn the images I got from AP from my brain and never see them again. But I canít. She sent them to me and said your husband cheated on you. I wish I never saw them.

wegotonelife posted 1/16/2019 16:41 PM

Quick update: I just couldnít hold any longer
She admitted to infidelity and relationship that "lasted" but its over now according to her.

[This message edited by wegotonelife at 9:38 AM, January 17th (Thursday)]

beenthereinco posted 1/16/2019 16:49 PM

She admitted to infidelity and relationship for months that apprrently ended .

I'm sorry. Now you know. But not really. I'm also sorry to say that whatever she admits to now is likely less than half what she has done. That is just how it goes. Take a look at the threads on here and you will see. Thousands of stories and I would hazard a guess that the number of BS that got the full story at confrontation is close to zero. A WS just will not tell you the truth.

She has been lying to you for months. She has no problem telling you partial truths (more lies) now. Do not make the mistake to think that you have anything approaching the full story now. If you are divorcing, if that is what you want, then it doesn't matter. If you are inclined to try to reconcile, if she is remorseful and you want to do it, then you will have to have something approaching the full story. You can't forgive what you don't know. You will never get it all. She will always hold back something and that will darken your relationship going forward but right now you have at most 25% of the story I would guess.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 4:50 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

WilliamM posted 1/16/2019 16:50 PM

Dont believe that the affair is over unless you have proof of it. When was their last contact? When did they last talk? I would recommend a no-contact letter is sent to the POS AP. A letter that you approve. Look at her phone and read her text messages and emails. Verify that the affair is over. Do not tell her that you want to reconcile right now. Now if it is a deal breaker for you, we all understand. What has she told you about the affair?

Marz posted 1/16/2019 16:50 PM

Quick update, I talked to her. I just couldnít hold any longer.
She admitted to infidelity and relationship for months that apprrently ended

Cheaters lie a lot you can't believe anything she's says.

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