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What was the reason they gave you for cheating?

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HeHadADoubleLife posted 2/18/2019 13:21 PM

ThatGuy and AbandonedGuy.

Yup!

Never got any admission of guilt, even though I literally caught them naked in OUR bed together. Apparently because he had texted me the day before that he wanted a divorce that wasn't cheating?

Then I was cut out of his life and my step daughters' lives like I never even existed. I moved out and got my name off of the lease, he then proceeded to block me on all forms of social media and treat the OW as his new girlfriend.

He sometimes texts me when he needs something (I used to manage everything in the household and he is a helpless child) or when he is in a rage and wants someone to take it out on. I refuse to dignify any of his messages with a response, but I try to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

Now, after a lot of IC as well as my own research and of course SI, I can identify plenty of reasons why he did what he did, and especially the reasons behind how he did it. I actually empathize with him now. I can see what a broken person he is, and I can understand how painful it must be to live a life like that.

Not that it is an excuse for him to behave the way he did, but it is allowing me to slowly forgive him. As another recent post mentioned, I would much rather be the BS than the WS, especially in my situation.

I can also now successfully identify a lot of the reasons that I behaved how I did, why I put up with certain behaviors, and am now working to correct those things moving forward.

The common thread I see with those who have successfully R'd is that the original reason given for cheating never matches the reason they end up giving after they've gone through IC and managed to have some personal growth.

Funnily enough, the last text I got from him was "I should have dumped you a long time ago. You are scum."

As many people have said, what someone says about you says a lot more about them than it does about you. He hates himself, and the self-loathing is so obvious to me now that I'm a few months out. Like I said, I truly feel sorry for him, because having a brain that functions in that way must be living hell.

He was angry that his daughters had confronted him about his drug abuse. He blames me for all of it and is saying that I conspired to frame him.

The perspective he doesn't see is that I was and still am a role model for them, and when they saw me stand strong against his bull$hit, they got the courage to do it for themselves.

So for that, I am taking back the word Scum! I will wear the "scum" label as a badge of honor. Because if someone like him thinks that I am scum, then I must be doing something right!

whoami62 posted 2/18/2019 13:26 PM

One thing I find ironic is that he has general disdain for people who are from his AP part of Europe.

Particularly her country.
This is based on his home country and those from her country being panhandling vagrant beggars.

He should have known that she was the epitome of what he loathes

Notmine posted 2/18/2019 15:14 PM

Not necessarily in order:

1. Porn addiction that he was AWARE of that progressed to an affair. 20 years in recovery from drugs and alcohol and he NEVER asked help with the porn.
2. Fantasy of sex with a client.
3. He would never get caught.
4. Ego kibbles
5. Stupidity

Cally1975 posted 2/18/2019 16:03 PM

He said it had nothing to do with me. That I am everything he could want and more.
He said he couldn't explain it but you could see him searching and in pain trying to explain. He said there has been no actual intercourse. But it's like he goes to these dating sites, out to bars drinking like he is trying to find something better. When he says he has the best thing ever right before his eyes. He said he don't understand it. Then he said it's like he has to have the next high. So it evolved from porn, to registering and surfing dating sites, to tranny porn, to massage parlors, to seeing if he could get a phone number from a girl. He said there could be times we would have sex late at night and first thing he would do is masturbate in the morning.
I am pretty new to finding out about all this. But at each revelation I am horrified even more. As i tried to make sense of his explanation and started googling...seems I am dealing with a husband who is a sex addict. Right now I just see him as a monster.

Shocked123 posted 2/18/2019 16:23 PM

I didn't give him handjobs/oral sex or full sex without expectation of anything in return. So he wanted quick jollies without having to please someone else.
You know, like an Asian prostitute does? Thing is, I'm not Asian and not a prostitute as he probably figured out after dating for 10 years prior to our 23 year marriage.
Maybe he could have clarified his expectations before we had 3 kids? I may have reconsidered my life with him.


AMillionReasons63 posted 2/18/2019 16:23 PM

Oh me. Me....me....and more me. What can I say....all me.

What I find particularly amusing is that prior to being caught DDay#1 six years ago he was disdainful of those having As. I remember one instance in particular about a couple moving in together when he said “ruining two families’ lives all because you couldn’t exercise control. funny that!

“Ain’t no rest for the Wicked”

keptmyword posted 2/18/2019 18:25 PM

She gave every single typical, cliche, trite, standard, and tired pathetic excuse that lying, backstabbing, deceitful adulterous and selfish people give to try to justify committing something that is unjustifiable.

And not a single one of these excuses/reasons they vomit up are worth a shit or mean a fucking thing about anything because none of their behavior and decisions have anything to do with you or your marriage/ relationship.

Their reasons for their betrayal exist only within them and existed there long, long before you ever met them.

If they are unable or unwilling to figure out the actual reason THEY are the way they are then you sure as hell are not going to be able to figure it out for them.

Don’t waste a minute of your life’s time trying.

Either they will - or they won’t.

Bbygrl1079 posted 2/19/2019 18:54 PM

We moved to this state because where we lived we had no job prospects and were destitute. We came up here with few clothes and personal documents. WH was sick so I began to single handedly put our lives back together. He said I didn't pay enough attention to him. So he fucked the neighbor. They claimed they fell in love. Luckily he came to his senses and realized it was not actual love. Just temporary neediness.
Now he feels like shit and some days are worse than others. Although he takes responsibility for his part, we are now teamed up against OW. We are in agreement that she's a shitty person. I can't wait until we cross paths with her, this is a very small town, so I can see him gag in disgust at who he risked our family for. And I may mean mug her and throw some shade at her. We'll see...

marriageredux959 posted 2/19/2019 23:25 PM

She told him he could.

BrokenGiant posted 2/20/2019 02:11 AM

My WW told me that "I lost myself" in the last eight years of our 14 year marriage. According to her, she was betrayed by her yoga instructor by selling her a false pretense that to find me she should go through him. In the end, he fell in love with my WW, and could not let her go. I told her, you let these things happen. I have been steadily here all those 14 years, my love for you had probably evolved, but was never lost. He touched you in ways during yoga and you didn't resist? Was it a "new" way of making adjustments? You let him in, you opened the door wide open. He only took from you what you most graciously offered him on a silver platter. You let him be intimate with you, and you say this is the connection you wanted with me? Honey, I was with you all the time, every single day, all you had to do was reach out. And yet you blame me... Nope, not today, not tomorrow! I didn't cheat, I didn't have the affair. I remained.

Foolmeonce120 posted 2/20/2019 05:31 AM

He said he was foolish, being selfish and he can’t believe he himself even were capable of. He lost his mind he said.

He’s never once blamed me.

TornInShock posted 2/20/2019 08:19 AM

Online game whore told him they could be game couples where they can sext. He came up with justifications to cheat on me because he was selfish and self absorbed, and then proceeded to go further down the toilet drain with her.

Both of them together are toxic, bottom feeder mentality. He said it became an addiction to feed his ego and have this new sexting experience, while ignoring everything and anything that was truly important.

The1stWife posted 2/21/2019 07:19 AM

Mid life crisis Affair. So typical.

He told himself he deserved to be happy.

Yes he does. And now he gets to watch me deal with the pain and lies he inflicted on me. Hope he’s reaalll happy

Ag123 posted 2/25/2019 10:30 AM

My WH told me that he wanted to feel wanted. The AP constantly told him how much she desired him, how wonderful he was in bed, etc.

99lawdog99 posted 2/26/2019 13:04 PM

Never really got one but the closest she got was telling me because I used to goof around with her friends when we were first married that it made her feel like she wasn't first in my life. Never did anything but she claims it was the reason. so for a few years when we were young, I would just be friendly and for 20 years I do nothing then she decides to go porn star with some former druggie. Go figure.

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