SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just wondering cause my husband said he cheated almost to see if he could and feel ok with it cause our marriage was so bad. Kinda like did he want this. Is that normal?

I got a couple of different answers. She lost her mind and just didn’t know what she was doing. Then it was that she just knew I was going to divorce her so she had an opportunity to start over with someone who didn’t know any of her baggage but the problem was I had no plan to divorce. She used that excuse to make it ok in her mind to start a new relationship.

So sorry you are here and dealing with your spouse cheating. My H initially blamed me. He had a whole list of things he felt were wrong with me. In his texts he told his AP the things that were wrong with me and he even told several of the AP’s friends, people he had never even met in person but were texting with as well. Once D-day happened and he initially broke off the A and the AP’s friends started contacting my H via text to tell my husband he was being cruel to the AP! My husband also said he thought he would “ just have a little fun and not get caught”. Bottom line their cheating has nothing to do with you. It was their choice to cheat, blaming others just helps them not deal with the sh*tshow they created. It’s been just over 2 yrs since D-day and in terms of rocky road it’s been more like trying to cross the Himalayas but we are still trying to R.

The standard answer around here is:

They wanted to, and they thought they could get away with it.

I personally think it's a combination of the above, the slippery slope of getting to comfortable, and sharing to much personal information/ troubles with another "friend" or co-worker that leads to a bond of mutual misery; peer pressure in an environment that infidelity is normalized like a workplace or group setting (everybody does it); An immature teen age high school mentality instead one of a committed marriage; a soap opera mentality that ones needs more drama and excitement in our life, narcissism; FOO ( family of origin) issues unresolved; stupid decision when drunk,.... the list goes on.

[This message edited by twisted at 9:37 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

When I've asked my once cheater H what one thing he would change if he could, he says it was the "innocent" act of agreeing to follow her into a grocery store to shop and talk. That decision changed everything.

And then, like many cheaters you'll read about here, they start to distort reality to justify their crappy choices. Some for my H were: psychmom doesn't love me anymore, we're going to divorce anyway, she will never find out. Once he was found out, he was sickened by who and what he had become. But they need to really see how they'd let their mind allow all of this to happen. They lied to themself, just as they lied to us, their AP, everyone at that time.

[This message edited by psychmom at 9:54 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

I didn't really get any reason...a few lame and half-ass excuses such as :

we drifted apart ( not in my eyes at all )

he felt like it wasn't him , but someone else

so that we could have a better marriage ( that was the one that took the top prize )

When I confronted, he gave no reason. He turned everything around and all of a sudden I was the one who was cheating...WTF? Then it was all about how awful I was in the relationship (i.e. not supportive, refusing sex, etc.) and my shortcomings. I handled it all wrong.

With my first marriage of 13 years I got all kinds of "reasons".

- I was lonely

- I thought you were cheating (I wasn't)

- Somehow I "made" her cheat (I still have no idea what this means).

- during MC "everyone cheats, its normal."

- claimed she was a sex addict. (once this happened, there was no further effort on her part, as she looked at the addiction as a sickness, like a cold or flu that would go away with the right medication.)

- I worked too much.

- She needed an "escape" from the kids and I.

The above marriage ended in 1998.

My next long term relationship ended in infidelity as well. I haven't bothered asking why this time. It would be a waste of time in my opinion.

That said, I believe they cheat because they want to. The why doesn't matter, the pain is the same no matter what excuse/reason that is thrown in my face.

Someone told me a while ago, "justification is like masturbation - you are only fucking yourself in the end."

And to me, that's all the whys are, justification for shitty behavior.

He said it was all him. It made him feel attractive. The ego boost was too much.

Ap was 20 years younger, slutty bleached blonde, fakeboob bimbo.

He is extremely remorseful, but he also got caught...

Borderline personality disorder. After being together for almost a decade, he was suddenly convinced I hated him, he was just a sperm donor to me, and I was getting ready to leave him.

COW offered him NSA. A month later they were soulmates and a whole bunch of other crazy behavior ensued (trying to procure cocaine, running up CC debt, excessive drinking, bar fights, yada yada).

He realizes now it was all him. He was depressed, he felt like a POS, he convinced himself no one wanted him around, and his insane AP was all too happy to parrot this bullshit back to him. He realizes now he has a pattern of viewing people as his BFFs and then (for whatever reason) they're suddenly out to get him. Idk why I ignored this for years. I guess I just didn't take him seriously? It annoyed me that he would view people as like these amazing, wonderful people that were like brothers to him and then *something* would happen and suddenly they were horrible people he couldn't count on and he wanted nothing to do with them. It never made any sense to me and was incredibly frustrating because he had a pattern of putting new people on pedestals for no discernable reason. It makes sense now, but still sucks.

Mine initially blamed me, then it was because he was selfish. Now he says he has bad coping skills....

At one point I found a paper he had written to himself on his why's, he wanted to be in control and feel like he was single again

Duplicate

[This message edited by Brokenwingsnow at 10:51 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

Initially

-we grew apart (I didn't grow apart from him)

-we were like roommates (I considered him a loving partner in our marriage)

-we hadn't had an honest conversation in years (I was honest in all my conversations with him)

-he didn't intend for it to happen

Later

-thought he deserved it because he was so miserable

-to escape problems at home- sons' addiction, dad's illness

Now, 16 months past dday, after AA and IC

-selfishness, self centeredness, ego (exacerbated by alcoholism)

-delusional thinking (also exacerbated by alcoholism)

-to escape self loathing

First it was that our marriage was over and he knew I would be ok with it (WTF?!). Complete and total BS.

Now we haven't talked about the why, just that he's extremely sorry and can't believe he did it. He is very remorseful and sad.

I agree with ALL Of the above.

I think we all hear the same lines (from the cheaters handbook no doubt lol).

And my H asked if I cheated on him 25 years prior with a guy from my office. Seriously?! He held on to an unfounded suspicion for 25 years.

Bottom line - they choose to cheat.

And anything they need to justify the cheating they will use.

My H had a typical midlife crisis Affair with a woman 20 years younger covered in tattoos - neck, arms, boobs, legs etc. her boobs hung out of her clothes - I guess she thought she was sexy.

But the real laugh is that my H was delusional and thought he could bring her to his corporate events and it would be ok. That he would not be the laughing stock of his peers.

And that she would be accepted by friends and family alike.

In fact just recently he made a comment that he hates people who are covered in tattoos. You just cannot make this stuff up.

If I was a comedian I sure as hell would use this as some really good material

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:41 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

My ex-wife had so many excuses that evolved over time. But the root of it was her blaming me for her infidelity.

My favorite, if you can call it that, was when she said she cheated because I was so angry all the time.

I had to remind her that I was not angry all the time until she cheated and was not fully forthcoming with what exactly she was doing.

My frustration at trying to get the story of what happened was infuriating.

So then the story turned into "I cheated because I knew you would be angry later, so I saw no point to not cheating."

Try to wrap your head around that nugget of nonsense.

My anger and frustration AFTER the affair began is used for justification BEFORE I even knew about it.

[This message edited by michzz at 11:43 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

I like this way of organizing it because indeed the reasons seem to change:

Initially

-I wasn't giving him much attention while I was living out of state (true, I wasn't) and he thought I was done with him

-we were like roommates before I had left

-he didn't intend for it to happen

-he didn't think he would get caught

-she threw herself at him (this is basically true as I've read the messages from her to him in the beginning and it was all her initially - which excuses nothing)

-he felt relaxed and hanging out with her was easy/fun and they had things in common that we did not as they could talk about a lot of the same people (they were/are co-workers)

-he became very "enamored" with her quickly and didn't want it to stop/he didn't feel that way about me anymore

Later (about a month past dday)

-because he thought I would never find out so it wouldn't hurt me

-it made his work, which is otherwise pretty miserable for him, tolerable and interesting

-he liked the attention/being chased

Now, almost 4 months past dday, after some IC

-selfishness

-delusional thinking

-to make himself feel better

-he tried ending it numerous times but it would always re-start because he felt like he needed to control the situation and feared she would blow everything up/tell her BS (one of my WH's now former best friends) if he didn't

-and probably the most honest answer = "I still don't know"

Who knows what will come next

Well, at least I can say my H gave an honest answer - he said it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his desire to have his ego boosted. He liked the flirtation and attention the OW gave him. It made him feel good.

He also said his boundaries were way too loose - he didn’t think he was in any danger when he started up with the OW.

She went into instant attack mode when confronted. That's the character and training of her family.

Sadly, about 7 years before confronting I got to listen to her tell her friend (while quivering) "I think he's cute".

This was in reference to a divorced bachelor over 20 years her senior. For some sick reason she and her sisters (and their nieces now) cheat with old men - at least 20 years older than themselves. Weirdest bunch of self-righteous, entitled, uneducated, religious hillbillies imaginable.

The hilarious thing of the sister's warped minds is that their strategy is so short sighted...

The OM is 80 years at this moment!!! LOL!

[This message edited by LifeLostLongAgo at 11:57 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

My WH told (still tells) me "it just happened". Huh?!?? Like, you slipped on ice and got your d!ck stuck in her? For 3 years? Sounds fishy to me ...

Another one--he claims he's a sex addict, yet he felt no guilt or remorse during his affair, which was as much an EA as a PA.

So,I get no real answer from him at all. He is going to counseling and that might bring about an answer, but I wouldn't bet on it.

On the other hand, during The bash fests he and his AP would have, he told her I'm a "psycho-terrorist", cold, sexless, too smart for him (I LOVE this!), hypercritical, gone out in the mountains too much, too sensitive (how does this work with "cold"), unappreciative, crazy ... so I guess I have a few fatal flaws.

Bottom line to me--no matter what he says, he made the decision to cheat, didn't ever tell me he was having a problem in our one whole year of monogamy before he started cheating ... So the reason is, he is selfish, dishonest, broken & he wanted to.