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Forgiveness...?

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Cicinsajn posted 1/9/2019 08:42 AM

Please..from personal work how you forgive..i whant to forgive him but i don't know how to do that? Can you tell the story of your forgivness..thank you

LilBlackCat posted 1/9/2019 13:25 PM

Well, I want to respond in first saying.. That it all depends to what level of forgiveness you are seeking or looking to achieve..

I hence have essentially reached the point of indifference with WW, to the point where we've hooked up.. but, it's been just sex tho, nothing more.

To say that it would mean that we could get back together as if things never happened.. No. Could it happen, who knows.. I would not be able to answer that question honestly, till it actually was one I had to address.

We talk randomly and I help her with stuff when I can and in many cases it revolves around the kids.

I think the turning point is reaching indifference with your internal feelings and then anything is possible as you are no longer "reacting" to them.. You are actively, living your life without any real emotional influence from them. Will there be good/bad days?? of course, but they would be likely triggered by outside sources, not necessarily them.

I hope this helps with what you are asking.

Phoenix1 posted 1/9/2019 14:29 PM

The definition of "forgiveness" is different for everyone. You need to find what works for you, personally. Some need to actually forgive, others don't, and everyone has their own take on either.

For me, personally, I will never "forgive" Xhole. What he did was unforgivable in my book. That does not mean I wallow in anger and hatred though. Quite the opposite. What worked for me was reaching acceptance - accepting who/what he is, what he has done, and that I can never change any of it. My acceptance allows me to move on in peace about the whole situation.

Forgive him? Never going to happen in my lifetime.

thebighurt posted 1/9/2019 15:00 PM

I agree with what Phoenix1 has said. I have come to a peace within myself as to what my M was in relation to what I thought I had while I was in it, before xpos admitted to cheating and left. The peace comes from accepting the knowledge of his actions and being thankful for being away from it now.

A very religious, dear friend I love who went through the same thing at the same timeline told me I need to forgive him as she did her ex. Instead, I have forgiven me for for being co-D, allowing myself to stay in the M while being controlled and mentally, emotionally and verbally abused for all those decades. Like Phoenix1, I will never forgive xpos and am fine with having accepted what life is now - it is so good!!! NOW.

EvenKeel posted 1/10/2019 07:37 AM

Do you want to forgive for your own well-being or for the other person's?

I feel doing it for yourself is the only part that matters since most times the other party does not even care.

I am with Phoenix though. I can never forgive or forget the things my ex did to me and continues to do to his own children.

HOWEVER, I have accepted that this is all he is capable of.

I have stopped expecting him to be a better man or father.

This saves me from more disappointment(s).

I would encourage you to define why you want to forgive and steps that might help you get to that poing.

ALSO - IT TAKES TIME. I am nine years out from my D. The state of indifference does not come quick or easy.

Be patient with yourself in the process.

Cicinsajn posted 1/10/2019 10:08 AM

Thank you people:)..yes i whant forgive for me..i whant indeference..and i whant peace in my heart

TrustGone posted 1/10/2019 10:30 AM

I did eventually forgive XWH#1, but I will never forget what he did and I have told him so. Of course this was after many years of indifference and NC. We are now civil because it does me no good to be otherwise. He is my children's father and has sincerely apologized for his actions. He even stated he didn't blame me, he would have divorced him too.

Now XWH#2 is a different matter altogether. I will never forgive him because he did far worse things than XWH#1 ever did. I also have totally NC and have no reason to ever speak to him again and haven't responded to any of his selfish texts since the divorce. I have gotten to indifference, but I will never forgive or forget what he did and I'm OK with that.

Everyone is different, circumstances are different, and it all depends on what you personally can live with. I personally think that I choose to forgive myself for putting up with it for so long and that's enough for me. Indifference to me is the key.

Simplicity posted 1/10/2019 10:32 AM

You don't need to forgive for indifference. What may help is simply moving on with your life and away from him. More like... Forgetting all about him (but keeping the lessons you learned at the same time). I'm trying to do that. Rebuild my life without him and find moments of happiness without him. It is hard. For me, someone has to earn forgiveness, because to require forgiveness that person must have done something wrong. Without earning it, then you are more like giving mercy, which doesnt require work on their part, simply a willingness on your part.

Or you can decide for yourself what you yourself need to forgive. I don't think you need to forgive in order to move on, but it may help you if you do.

Cicinsajn posted 1/10/2019 10:59 AM

I didnt see him for 2,5years..he reach to me two times but i didnt respond to that..im still feel the pain..

EvenKeel posted 1/10/2019 12:40 PM

he reach to me two times but i didnt respond to that
Good job on giving him crickets! That is hard to do sometimes when you want to give them an earful!

Why is he reaching out? Is he apologizing? Or is it stupid stuff?

Cicinsajn posted 1/10/2019 16:02 PM

First time 4monts after dday he text me:
-Hy! I know that you dont want her anything from me, but please can i come some time to see the dog?
Second time after i block him from fb and phone nomber he call me by viber after 1,5 from dday..i didnt pic up..maybe he call from pocket..my first name is biggins whit A..maybe he didnt whant call..i dont know..

Cicinsajn posted 1/10/2019 16:06 PM

And btw he didnt sorry for cheathing because he dosent love me..he loves her..he is happy now after long time..my friend told me that..

Hawke posted 1/10/2019 17:44 PM

I worked through my anger at my ex through an analogy of debt (possibly because many of our terms around debt also seem to be used in religious or ethical contexts).

In my analogy, we were partners, but he dealt with me dishonestly, basically committing fraud or embezzlement by skimming time and resources out of our partnership and investing it in another, creating a moral debt. When a debt is uncollectible, a creditor has a couple of choices: they can forgive it, write it off or settle it with the debtor.

Debt forgiveness is typically granted on compassionate grounds to a debtor who has fallen on hard times and requests forgiveness of the debt. Since my ex appears to be content with his new life and hasn't asked for forgiveness, I'm not extending it.

We settled at least some of the debt through a legal process (vis-a-vis the marital settlement agreement). However, that process just dealt with the dissolution of the partnership and didn't address the harm done to me by my ex's dishonest acts.

The debt created by his dishonesty, I am writing off as bad debt (due to his moral bankruptcy). It doesn't mean the debt doesn't exist. It just means that I'm not going to chase it or expend any energy on it. I've written it off and stopped including it in my calculations. Perhaps someday he will do a lot of hard introspection, realize the harm he caused and ask for forgiveness, and maybe I could forgive if I felt he was honestly sorry for his actions and was changing his life to be a better person. But I'm not holding my breath and I don't particularly care if he does ever come to that realization.

So, I've reached indifference without having to forgive. I can be civil to him, discuss the weather, the kids, etc. I'm not sure that civility is required to reach indifference, though. Some people's ex's are very disordered, and civility is not possible.

Sorry my explanation is so long-winded. I'm sure others have found different ways of getting to indifference, but this is what worked for me.

By the way, I would drop the friend who told you how happy he is in his new life. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

deena04 posted 1/10/2019 21:47 PM

I've always been told forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It's so you don't go crazy in the crapfest you've been dealt. I'm not sure I can actually achieve forgiveness on this, though. Now to each their own. I would not say I have forgiven, but I refuse to be stuck in the frame of mind that is not healthy for me. Maybe I'll forgive him. Maybe I won't. I really don't know how that works.

thishurts123 posted 1/10/2019 22:21 PM

I struggle with this all the time. I have very good days where I "feel" indifferent and can be civil. I have other days where I want to tear into him at the sound of his voice. Deep down I know that I will never forgive him. He has lied to me for years, treated me like shit and promised R only to continue his affair until this very day.

Indifference is something I pray for daily. If only it would come and maybe my bad days would lessen. This was a bad week - I wanted to lash out when he called. Today I maintained my cool and said very little. We do need to speak regularly these days as there have been some health issues with one of our kids.

NEPAlady posted 1/12/2019 10:51 AM

Like some others, I will never forgive. I feel forgiveness is granted after an admission of wrongdoing. Itís transactional. Fucktard will never admit he did anything wrong. His NPD will not permit that.

I can concede - accept what has happened and eventually move on to indifference.

sparkysable posted 1/14/2019 12:22 PM

I don't think forgiveness is necessary, and it reeks of rug-sweeping to me.

I do agree with healing, learning to let go, and moving on in time. I don't think "forgiveness" is necessary to achieve this.

Leilehua posted 1/15/2019 00:30 AM

Forgiveness? XWH told me he forgives me for my faults...for what I contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. Hahaha
He kept saying that God forgives him so I should too. Hahaha

I donít think I can forgive him for his cheating, lies and addictions. I definitely donít forgive his crazy gold digging fake Christian mom for meddling and enabling him to be a cheater. Iím not ready and I donít know if I ever will.

I think itís bull when I hear ďby forgiving him youíll heal faster and GOD will bless youĒ. Hahaha. I love God and Iím pretty sure God understands and feels my pain.

Instead I am working on forgiving myself when I didnít follow through on divorcing him back in 2015 when I filled the first time. I think we need to forgive ourselves first.

marchmadness posted 1/15/2019 05:58 AM

This is quote on forgiveness sums up my feelings...especially when dealing with NPD:

"Forgiveness culture implies that betrayers and abusers can expect to be forgiven - they can hurt and harm and rage - and should their targets decline to forgive, they can rest smug in assurance that the refusal reflects a flaw in their victims, not in themselves. "

BrokenheartedUK posted 1/15/2019 10:55 AM

I was very much of the mind that forgiveness is for the benefit of the forgiver and basically left it at that. However, my Ex would write letters to the children rehashing his guilt and I thought it would be helpful for his relationship with the children (nb this was done for their benefit) to write him a letter forgiving him for what happened. He never acknowledged it and it has never been referenced between us but I felt good trying. Whatever dude.

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