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sewardak posted 10/2/2018 13:18 PM

our son's girlfriend (dating a year) started a gofundme request for dental work she desperately needs done. She doesn't have dental insurance and she doesn't qualify for assistance. She is a very hard working single mom devoted to her son (smart and adorable by the way). She had him knowing there would be limited CS because the guy already had two kids and was not gainfully employed a lot. It's about all she can do to support both of them.

Our son has been hesitant to move in with her and sees her once a week. He works the other days and wants to watch football on the weekend (is this odd or what?) but has told us he's serious about her.

I don't know how I feel about this. I'd love to help a little bit. Not sure WS would agree. But I'm old fashioned about asking for help. I'm unsure what to do. Even if they never work out she does need help.

tushnurse posted 10/2/2018 15:40 PM

Are there no dental schools in your area? Please have her research that. Often can be done for free or at a much lower rate.
She should also call around and see if any will prorate services if she is a self pay.

TheCaterpillar posted 10/2/2018 16:36 PM

Check for local dental schools. My WH was a lab tech for a dental college and they often provide cut price or free work. It's all supervised and completely safe, she may need to be a bit flexible on times but it's a small thing to get her tooth/teeth sorted.

sewardak posted 10/2/2018 17:32 PM

She would have to drive 3 hours but I will ask that.

EvenKeel posted 10/3/2018 07:38 AM

I see no harm in following your heart on this one. I vote for giving what you are comfortable with. Gofundme lets you do this without attaching your name to it so no one would even know it was you or what you gave.

As for your DS. Good for him for not moving in if he is not ready for that level of commitment with her yet.

Edited to add. I am also not a big fan of the fundme concept. However, if this was my DS's GF, I would have helped. Teeth are so important and dental issues could effect her health other ways. Now if she was asking for money for Disney, that is different. I love the mouse as much as the next person, but if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. But this poor gal is asking for something the is medically related and well beyond her financial means.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 7:42 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

sewardak posted 10/3/2018 08:13 AM

Even - I have really struggled with this. I want to send her some money and in this case we can contribute directly to the dentist and bypass gofundme.
this kept me awake last night so I will talk with WS and tell him my heart is hurting over this one.
thanks!

Carissima posted 10/3/2018 11:32 AM

I'm sorry but I don't understand, is there something in the dynamics of your relationship which is stopping you from offering the money? From the sounds of your opening post the work is a necessity not cosmetic.

While I can understand your son not moving in, is he helping her out at all?

I know it's difficult, maybe a offering a small loan would make you feel better. Although, TBH, you'd be relying on her integrity to pay Yuri back.

I must admit to posting without any idea how much these dental procedures cost. I'm sitting here in the UK so thankful for my NHS dentist.

sewardak posted 10/3/2018 12:02 PM

I don't know if my son helped out but I doubt it as he is just starting a new job.

My WS is rather against it and we both feel it's uncouth to ask for money from friends. (choices and consequences) Although if i told him in my heart i feel we should help, he would listen.

we just paid for them to travel to visit us so i'm not sure we should extend ourselves anymore if they're not engaged at least.

She needs over 5k. I would donate without wanting to be paid back. I have given the little boy clothes and books from time to time.

Carissima posted 10/3/2018 16:52 PM

5k? I can't even imagine... as I said I have an NHS dentist but because I'm employed full time I pay for treatment. Last time I was there I need an x-ray, I think it cost me £10, the check up it's self was free.

I have never given to a go fund page and I likely never will. I mean I can understand sponsoring someone to do something, you know some kind of reward in exchange for effort. But to just ask for money for nothing just seems so entitled.

Hopefully your son's GF can get her dental work done. You mentioned a dental college about 3hrs away. Would it maybe be possible for you to help with childcare, out help you son with childcare to let her take the time to visit the college? Just an idea...

sewardak posted 10/3/2018 18:40 PM

I live 2000 miles away.

sewardak posted 10/3/2018 18:59 PM

poured my heart out to my WS. He said he trusted my judgment and to go ahead.

TheCaterpillar posted 10/4/2018 10:09 AM

Carissma - You're lucky. My hometown it took me years to wait for an NHS dentist that was taking on new patients. It's a bit of a postcode lottery! I was fortunate enough to have DenPlan as part of my salary as I was working for an American firm that was obliged to provide DenPlan and Bupa to all employees. Even once you've paid extra tax on it I didn't feel it was fair to take an NHS place. When I moved jobs and lost DenPlan there was not a single NHS practice accepting new patients within a sensible distance. Compare that to the town I went to uni in where I had choice of 4 or 5 places to choose from. In private practice an implant can cost 1k pounds, and thats a simple one. If you had an abscess to treat or bone structure issues it's more. My colleague racked up 6k for 12months of painful dental work correcting damage to 2 back teeth and damage to his jaw bone. Teeth are scary and expensive things!!

josiep posted 10/4/2018 10:28 AM

I love gofundme and try to donate to someone every month. Most of the ones I do are people who are taking care of cats & dogs on the streets but I also like the ones that have schools/education in places where disasters have struck. I never donate to any organizations anymore because I don't trust any of them. I do individuals and local ones I know are doing what they say they're doing and not paying a CEO big bucks or paying "volunteers" to call me to solicit money.

If getting her teeth fixed will help her future employment opportunities and make her healthier, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. Dental problems cause so much sickness, it's really a shame that treatment is so expensive and only for those with money because it affects the whole person. A friend of mine has been feeling awful for about 6 months and the doctors kept putting her on this or that and running tests for this and that. She's on Medicare and the bills were substantial. One day she woke up with a toothache and made an appt. with a low income clinic 3 weeks later. She suffered during that 3 weeks and became sicker and sicker. Not only sicker but also very, very cranky and downright mean at times, which was very unlike her. Turned out she had an abscessed tooth and the dentist pulled it. $70 and she's good as new. Dentist said the tooth had been bad for a very long time and he was surprised it didn't hurt her sooner than it did.

Our country could save a lot of money if we'd consider dental problems to be health issues. My own Dad had dementia and was really acting out, uncooperative, etc. which was a complete turnaround from the docile, peaceful, smiling, cooperative patient he'd been. The nursing home doctors, of course, medicated him. Including Megace to stimulate his appetite because he wouldn't eat. I was out of town but when I got back, I said no way, there's something wrong. They said, oh, this is how dementia goes. I said no way, he's been the same for 10 years and overnight goes to this???? Nope, I'm not buying it.

So I started poking around on him (which wasn't easy since he was cranky but I tried to make it a game) and when I touched his jaw, he jumped with pain. It cost $2,200 to take him to an oral surgeon to get his tooth pulled. He immediately got better.

But they kept giving him the Megace and he died from kidney failure about 3 months later. He had a lot of things wrong with him but kidneys were always fine until the day he died.

Oh, aren't I full of it today? Anyway, the moral of the story is, dental care is vital to people's health. But the other moral of the story is, if you have a dear one in a nursing home, don't rely on their doctors alone because it becomes rote to them and while they didn't mean any harm, it may very well have cost him his life.

sewardak posted 10/4/2018 10:43 AM

"dental care is vital to people's health."

it is. I wish I could have given more.

Wool94 posted 10/4/2018 10:48 AM

I love GoFundMe as well.

When my father in law passed away earlier this year, I was going to have to pay 5000 out of my own pocket to have him buried. The GoFundMe account probably raised about a quarter of it, which I was thankful for. Any little bit helps when your struggling to take care of your family and your in laws.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 10:49 AM, October 4th (Thursday)]

Carissima posted 10/4/2018 12:29 PM

Hi Caterpillar,

I agree I'm lucky. I live in a fairly middle size town for UK. In the main straight next to me there are at least 4 dentists, all of which are advertising vacancies for NHS patients.

I don't understand the pricing either, I live less really close to the next big city and both a friend and I needed to get mouth guards, we were both NHS patients but hers cost almost £200 and mine was £50. My dentist also lets you pay up interest free if need be. I guess I've just been lucky which if good since I have an almost pathological fear of dentists so will not be leaving this one abby time soon

I really don't know that much about gofund paged, they're not really popular where I am. Fund raising is still done mainly by sponsoring events such the 'World's biggest coffee morning' which was held throughout the UK last Friday to raise awareness and funds for cancer, or 2 girls I worked with who did 30 mile hikes to raise funds.

onlytime posted 10/4/2018 12:55 PM

I have never given to a go fund page and I likely never will. I mean I can understand sponsoring someone to do something, you know some kind of reward in exchange for effort. But to just ask for money for nothing just seems so entitled.

No surprise, the centuries old "deserving vs undeserving" moral judgments continue to this day. That, IMO, is the epitome of "entitled" attitudes.

My H and I often struggled to meet our basic needs, despite each having worked 60-100 hours a week (in jobs that offered no benefits whatsoever, because employers started cutting them, and started hiring temporary workers, so they could save money and increase THEIR bottom line). The cost of living kept increasing steadily while wages remained at the same levels. As a result we couldn't afford regular dental visits. There was a program that covered our children, but no programs were available for adults, so we went without even the most basic dental care.

For over a decade I suffered with multiple abscessed teeth. The pain of which was unbearable and significantly reduced my quality of life. A number of times the swelling from the abscesses extended right up to my eye, and the toxins from them seeped into my body, making me physically unwell. My teeth eventually started breaking apart and crumbling in my mouth, exposing the nerves. It got to a point where I could barely eat.

There was no such thing as GoFundMe back then. The cost of private insurance plans was astronomical, and borrowing the money was not an option.

At the age of 35, and only because of money we received through an inheritance, was I able to finally get dental care, but by then it was too late to save any of my teeth. Do you want to know how psychologically devastating it is to lose all of your teeth at such a young age? It was fucking brutal. Not to mention the fact that dentures do not have the ability to grind up food to the same degree as real teeth and you start having digestive issues as well.

And as to GoFundMe, I am so grateful that such a thing exists. We have been on disability for nearly a decade now, and there is no way we would have been able to afford to pay for our beloved DD's funeral had it not been for the outpouring of love, kindness and support of the people who shared and donated to the GoFundMe page that was set up for us. Their compassion and generosity will never be forgotten.

[This message edited by onlytime at 1:42 PM, October 4th (Thursday)]

Lionne posted 10/4/2018 15:29 PM

I too have issue with asking for money online. That said, I do donate if I know the individual, i.e. a friend's son with recurring cancer and no health insurance.
My son is being encouraged to start a gofundme to help finance his pilgrimage. Our sect is small, and made up of lots of old people who are very happy to see his kind of spirit led travel. He's proud, reluctant to do it, but may.
Dental work, yep. My sister had to curtail her chemotherapy due to very bad teeth and a dental phobia. And my cat needs dental work to head off endocarditis.
You are kind to help.

pureheartkit posted 10/4/2018 23:16 PM

Gofundme charges too much. There are other sites that don't take as much. Maybe set up a PayPal or something where she gets all the money.

This is a big issue. I know people in CA, AZ, and TX who drive over into Mexico to get quality dental at half the cost.

Carissima posted 10/5/2018 01:57 AM

I can't figure out how to copy using my horribly little tablet so:

Sewardark, I hope your son's GF managed to get her teeth fixed. I truly believe tooth (and feet) can cede some of the worst there is. It just seems so insidious.

Onlytime, you don't know me so you have no way of knowing how 'unentitled' I am in real life. I have worked for as long as I can remember, originally started started writing for my dad and then got a real 'Saturday job' in addition to that when I was legally old enough to work. No-one I know is rich, we all get by, mostly pay check to pay check but if I know you personally I would do anything to help you. A stranger not so much, I would be inclined to maybe sponsor them if they were doing something.

I'm bowing out because of I feel I've thread haves the original post enough and, TBH, my responses would enter into that political realm that is not allowed!