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Betrayed Menz Thread-Part 33

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WornDown posted 9/10/2019 13:20 PM

I see a major issue that we men have in this thread.
We don't talk to each other or really bond in any meaningful way.

Look at the Betrayed Women's thread.

It comes and goes.

The womenz had a thread once that just died. Had to create a new one; they are on Part 1. We're on Part 33...

Sal1995 posted 9/11/2019 17:39 PM

What's up fellas. Just an old vet checking in. Are my membership dues still paid up?

Sorry to hear that things didn't work out in Losfer and WAL's marriages but I admire the strength shown by both men. Onward and upward.

I'm doing pretty good 6.5 years into R. I sometimes go through a period of ambivalence towards the wife and the marriage, a/k/a the dreaded "plain of lethal flatness" as it is known around here, but always manage to fight through it and come out the other side somehow. Other than that, no complaints. R can be a sonofabitch at times, but the positives of my choice outweigh the negatives. It's definitely a YMMV kind of thing, and D is definitely the better choice for some BM.

Nice to see some of the old guard in here, dispensing their wisdom. Kind of ran out of things to say a few years back, and SI just didn't seem the same to me after the passing of DS, but I've never forgotten SI and especially the Menz thread. It got me through a few rough moments back in the day. If ya'll don't mind I might pop in for a visit every now and then.

As for the new guys, welcome. Right now you are hurting about as much as you'll ever hurt, but it will get better. Time (and self-care) heals, no matter what ultimately happens to the marriage.

Have there been any jj or Wonderboy sightings lately?

Notthevictem posted 9/12/2019 02:04 AM

Hih, hadn't seen em. Heard about skan?

Mr. Kite posted 9/12/2019 12:00 PM

After 25+ years of her doing the ostrich thing and my enabling her by sinking into the "no longer give a crap" thing, something has been stirring in me over these last few months which is why I came back here after a long absence..

Recently I laid out plans for a D and for how to divide up our assets. This has resulted in her having her first IC appointment, today at 5 pm EST, in many years.

We've been married for 34 years. The first D-day was in 94 and the second one in 95. In those days there was no website like this.

The MC's, there were multiple ones, were useless if not totally incompetent. Getting up to hug WW whenever she would weep and saying "You're really a good person who just made a mistake," is not the way to get at the truth. Plus it seriously ticked me off.

I mention this because we both developed a deep mistrust for shrinks and counselors. Going back to IC is a huge step for her.

So last night she asked me what I wanted from her. "The truth!" Insert Jack Nicholson's comment from 'A Few Good Men' along with "You wouldn't believe me anyway."

I broached her doing a polygraph. She said fine but once you hear the details you'll leave anyway.

I told her I'm not interested in the details of her sexual dalliances and what they did or the "why" of it. What I want to know is if you've been lying to me all these years and carrying on the same way you did back in the 90's. She swore up and down that she's been straight-arrow ever since. We'll see.

On a side note: I've been a pastor in prison ministry for over 19 years. The whole religious thinking of forgiveness vs. justice has washed over me all these years as I prepare sermons. I'm still caught somewhere in the middle. I want forgiveness for myself but justice for those who have hurt me.

WornDown posted 9/12/2019 13:33 PM

What I want to know is if you've been lying to me all these years and carrying on the same way you did back in the 90's. She swore up and down that she's been straight-arrow ever since. We'll see.

Is there a reason you don't believe her? or just the fact that you (both) never properly dealt with the infidelities then, and your trust was just never rebuilt?

Sal1995 posted 9/12/2019 13:53 PM

Heard about skan?

I just read her husband's post announcing her passing. That's really sad, she seemed like such a kind and decent lady.

Mr. Kite posted 9/12/2019 14:32 PM

Is there a reason you don't believe her? or just the fact that you (both) never properly dealt with the infidelities then, and your trust was just never rebuilt?

It's both. Back in those days we didn't have the information or help like this website gives. We didn't know anyone who had been in this situation, plus as I mentioned earlier, the MC's were useless and even harmful. We were 3,000 miles away from family and friends, so there was really no one to turn to.

So we both buried the A's hoping the pain would go away. It has resurfaced from time to time over the years due to triggers but over the last few months it's been on my mind daily

She basically has done the 180 on me since 94 and I've returned the favor. There have been "incidents" that triggered me.

She wants to keep things as they are. Sometimes I do as well. Sometimes I don't. Lately I've been ready to bail out.

Too be honest, this has just gotten old.

WornDown posted 9/12/2019 15:02 PM

Too be honest, this has just gotten old.

It really doesn't sound like you don't trust her/want the truth about the past 20 years, per se, but that you've just stopped caring about her (somewhere along the line). And she you.

What I'm saying is: It doesn't sound like a lie detector test is going to make you feel any better about the situation.

There's nothing wrong with throwing in the towel on this marriage and moving on.

Mr. Kite posted 9/12/2019 15:41 PM

There's nothing wrong with throwing in the towel on this marriage and moving on.

I agree but it feels like being on a plane of lethal flatness for many years to stepping off a cliff. Maybe she'll give me a push.

LosferWords posted 9/13/2019 12:20 PM

My oldest turned 16 yesterday, which was a little surreal. She's a badass gothed-out rocker/gamer chick. She's a good kid. Keeps her grades up and doesn't get into trouble and is pretty upbeat and positive, she just loves the goth aesthetic. It's a look that works for her. I did the same thing when I was a little younger than her, and my parents crushed that fast. I'm gonna let her rock it for as long as she wants to. hell, I'll make her chains for her.

Incarnate - She sounds kind of similar to my kid. He's 15 1/2, and very "metal". Growing his hair out long, which I have no problem with, as I had very long hair back when I used to have hair. He's a fantastic musician and gets straight A's in all honors courses. You're doing a great job letting your daughter be who she is. She appreciates it more than you know. She needs your love and acceptance now more than ever through this tumultuous time.

Sal - Good to see you again, sir! Glad things are working out for you. Onward and upward is right. You seem to be in a very healthy reconciliation with your wife, from what you've shared over the years here. I love that, and that is great. In my case, the relationship just ended up being so decayed and toxic that separating was the best thing. Me, my son, and my STBX are doing so much better now, and things are a lot more peaceful.

NTV - Good to see you.

Mr. Kite - Been watching your story unfold. You have to do what's right for you. Whatever path you take, whether it is staying or leaving, that is the path you have forged. No, you didn't forge the path of being betrayed, but now you can forge whatever path you take moving forward. Weigh the pros and cons of staying versus leaving. Make yourself a priority when you weigh those pros and cons.

Is it happy hour yet, Gents?

Tred posted 9/13/2019 14:23 PM

Sal old mate! How's things in Texas? Good to see you pop in! Haven't seen Wonderboy in a while, I think he posted in recon quite a while back just to say things were going good.

Incarnate, based on your member number you should of been around when the Menz thread was really rolling. We'd go through a thread in about a week at times. A lot of the fellas from back then don't post as much these days, but as WD said it comes and goes. That's where the clock tradition got started. Used to be you could go back and read all the old threads but due to server space they all got archived. There was some downright righteous advice and bonding done back then. We really grok'd.

LosferWords posted 9/13/2019 15:54 PM

Good to see you, Tred! Wish it were as easy to share images as back in the day. Koda is still a happy pup, but has bone cancer, and is a tripod now. His days are numbered, but his attitude is amazing. Hope you and Sand are doing well.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 3:57 PM, September 13th (Friday)]

Tred posted 9/13/2019 16:36 PM

So sorry to hear that about Koda Los. Tallis will be waiting for him . Sand and I are doing great. It's football season so that means UVA football (we've had season tickets for a while, at least this year they didn't lose to William and Mary), been golfing and won a fair bit of cash in a Calcutta, and planning the next adventure. Thinking of Jamaica in April next year.

Give Koda a pat on the head for me.

Sal1995 posted 9/13/2019 16:45 PM

Great to hear from you both Losfer and Tred! Feels like old times.

Losfer, good to see you again as well. I had a sense all along that your marriage, due to things that are out of your control, may have been unrecoverable. May be overstepping the bounds a bit so feel free to put me back in my place, but the news about your marriage ending actually gave me a sense of relief. I was happy to hear that you were escaping all that decay and toxicity.

WAL's divorce announcement seemed like a surprise, but in hindsight I recall feeling uneasy about things his ex-WW posted in the past. Although the right words were often used, there was just this vague sense that she felt more like the victim than the perp. Like she didn't really internalize or understand the hurt she caused.

I'm not nave. Most of us are here because our wives or ex-wives spread like peanut butter for another man while married to us, and the rest of us had to deal with at least sexting, EAs, or other inappropriate contact. If we didn't sense it already, that may have been the first sign that we were dealing with a woman who wasn't all there emotionally or psychologically. Trying to process the pain and figure out just what level of cray cray we were dealing with and whether the marriage was salvageable is possibly the biggest challenge many of us have had to face. It's good that there are forums like this where we can face it together.

Tred, great to hear from you too old mate, things are going well. I hope things are going well for you and the family up in the Commonwealth. Time sure flies, can't believe these are my first posts in 2 and a half years. I hope WB is well - who knows, maybe some day out of the blue he'll GIF-bomb us again like old times just for the hell of it.

I think of 2013-15 ish as the glory days of the Menz thread. It sure helped guide me through hell. I'd do anything to have access to a few of those threads just for auld lang syne. It got crazy, and we'd run through a thread and ask the mods to give us another one in no time. A bunch of heart-aching, beer-loving Menz makes for some interesting convo. We had some pretty colorful characters who ensured that it was never a dull place. Righteous advice and bonding indeed.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Edited to join Tred in saying sorry to hear that Koda isn't doing well. We had to put down a 14-year old tripod with a failing bladder last November. It's tough to see an old friend suffer.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:47 PM, September 13th (Friday)]

sisoon posted 9/13/2019 17:48 PM

Sorry about Koda, losfer. It's not fair....

When my son was 15-16 1/2 I remember wondering how so many kids made it to 17. I mean, I didn't want to kill him myself, but....

What really knocked me out, though, were the compliments I got from my son's friends' parents. They were equally shocked to hear compliments from me. IOW, the kids were pretty nice to everyone but their own parents. And maybe teachers.

I think the teenaged years are a rite of passage for parents as much as for the ...um... fershlugginer ...that's a good term... kids.

Mr. Kite posted 9/13/2019 20:36 PM

Koda is still a happy pup, but has bone cancer, and is a tripod now. His days are numbered, but his attitude is amazing.

It's brutal to go through that with our pets. Sorry this is happening. Flash, my Beagle who is 12, was diagnosed with cancer last year in April. He also has Lyme disease. The vet told me he had 3 to 6 months left if he had chemotherapy. I said "no."

Instead I feed him everything he loves, steak, ham, chicken and lots of treats. We walk an hour to an hour half a day in the woods each day and he's not in pain, just a bit slower. So far, so good. But it all adds on to the other emotional baggage we have to deal with each day.

Mr. Kite - Been watching your story unfold. You have to do what's right for you. Whatever path you take, whether it is staying or leaving, that is the path you have forged. No, you didn't forge the path of being betrayed, but now you can forge whatever path you take moving forward. Weigh the pros and cons of staying versus leaving. Make yourself a priority when you weigh those pros and cons.

Thank you!

Yesterday was WW's first time back in IC for many years. To her surprise the counselor shared with her that her husband, a pastor, revealed a 2-year PA recently.

The counselor has asked to speak with me on the phone so I sent her an email this afternoon to confirm a time. This should get interesting.

LosferWords posted 9/14/2019 11:54 AM

Thanks, Tred. Hopefully it will be a good bit before Koda hangs out with Tallis. Will definitely give him a pat on the head for you. Sounds like things are moving along really well for you, and that is great! You are definitely far more distinguished in the art of football than I am. I'm still stuck in the NFL world. I'll catch up eventually. I'm a slow learner.

Losfer, good to see you again as well. I had a sense all along that your marriage, due to things that are out of your control, may have been unrecoverable. May be overstepping the bounds a bit so feel free to put me back in my place, but the news about your marriage ending actually gave me a sense of relief. I was happy to hear that you were escaping all that decay and toxicity.

Sal, man, you can never overstep bounds with me. Thank you for this. It helps to see that other people perceive my marriage as being unrecoverable as well. I did everything I could, and I went way further than I should have with it. Thanks for sharing a sense of relief with me, brother. It's good to get away from the toxicity. Really sorry to hear about your pup as well! I've always felt like your marriage stood a chance. It sounds like things are moving along in a healthy manner, and I'm glad to see where it's gone. Yeah, there are daily challenges, but it sounds like the good greatly outweighs the bad for you, yeah?

Thanks, Sisoon - The teenage years are one hell of a challenge! In my case, my son has been through a HELL of a lot. He pretty much knows everything about mom and dad. He lives with me full time, and he has a lot of healing to go through. We butt heads from time to time (he's a teenager!), but we are such a good team as well. There is nobody on this planet that I love more.

Mr. Kite - I'm sorry to hear about Flash, my friend. Wow, it sounds like he is still kicking it pretty well, and you're giving him such a great life! That is a trip about your wife's counselor. Keep us posted, man. Do I remember correctly that you play guitar?

Mr. Kite posted 9/14/2019 12:30 PM

I'm sorry to hear about Flash, my friend. Wow, it sounds like he is still kicking it pretty well, and you're giving him such a great life! That is a trip about your wife's counselor. Keep us posted, man. Do I remember correctly that you play guitar?

One day at a time with the dog and with everything else. Dealing with lice lately. Using diatomaceous earth(food brand) which helps.

Guitar? Yes. I write and record songs using FL Studio 20. Lots of apps like Nexus, drum machines, and other goodies.

I have a 63 Gibson 12-string acoustic and an Eddie Van Halen electric.

The music and the fine folks here at SI, especially in threads like this, keep me somewhat sane. A big thanks to all of you!!!

LosferWords posted 9/14/2019 12:57 PM

That's great, Mr. Kite!

I have a 63 Gibson 12-string acoustic and an Eddie Van Halen electric.

That's awesome.

Music is my life. I haven't been able to play much for the last 20 years or so. Now that I'm separated, I am finding some freedom there. I'm back in a band, and have a couple of gigs coming up in a couple of months. It's a tribute band kind of thing, so after Halloween-ish, I am done with that, and I'm thinking I will concentrate more on songwriting and recording, which is more my passion.

Mr. Kite posted 9/14/2019 14:32 PM

That's awesome.

Music is my life. I haven't been able to play much for the last 20 years or so. Now that I'm separated, I am finding some freedom there. I'm back in a band, and have a couple of gigs coming up in a couple of months. It's a tribute band kind of thing, so after Halloween-ish, I am done with that, and I'm thinking I will concentrate more on songwriting and recording, which is more my passion.

That love of music, the ability and need to create, can be stifled temporarily through life's negative circumstances but eventually will win out. It's a life-long gift.

My style is all over the place but more and more is leaning towards early King Crimson and Alan Parsons Project.

Even WW likes it, or so she says.

Anything I can do to help assist in any way, please let me know.

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