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Betrayed Menz Thread-Part 33

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wincing_at_light posted 5/8/2019 08:52 AM

Found out on the last Sunday of February that my wife had taken up with OM again after 13 years.

Moved out Monday morning.

Filed on Thursday.

Got my signed/finalized divorce decree this morning.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

Loukas posted 5/8/2019 09:28 AM

Wtf!?

Well then, onward.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/8/2019 13:45 PM

What Wincing? Were you guys on amends and R, after all these yrs?

Welcome to the Darkside (Divorved Dads).

WornDown posted 5/8/2019 15:00 PM

Oh, fuck, WAL.

That's horrible. But the D was fast.

Good luck in the new life.

Cephastion posted 5/8/2019 18:29 PM

Found out on the last Sunday of February that my wife had taken up with OM again after 13 years.
Moved out Monday morning.

Filed on Thursday.

Got my signed/finalized divorce decree this morning.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

WOW

I mean...

I've heard of a "Vegas wedding" and a shotgun wedding before...

But that sounds like you almost managed to fold time and space to get that one accomplished!

Would that make it a "Vegas fold" (divorce)?

What a loss for her...

[This message edited by Cephastion at 6:32 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Unhinged posted 5/8/2019 19:34 PM

Whoah!

How ya holding up, WAL?

sisoon posted 5/8/2019 20:13 PM

No words, w_a_l.

Big changes bother me, so I, too, have this question: how are you doing?

wincing_at_light posted 5/8/2019 21:03 PM

I'm doing okay, guys. I've had a couple of months to get my feet under me, and I've got a solid support network of friends and family.

Most of my day to day turmoil is more about trying to find a house worth buying in a strong seller's market.

Appreciate the thoughts and concerns, but things are good on my end. I posted today primarily because I felt like I owed it to you guys to write the end of the story you've shared with me for so long. As of today, I am officially and eternally out of infidelity.

hadji posted 5/8/2019 22:00 PM

WAL. So this gives credence to the "once a cheater..." saying. And I thought there was happily ever after after R , looking at all the successful R stories here.

rambler posted 5/8/2019 22:39 PM

Best wishes to a very special guy.

steadychevy posted 5/9/2019 07:51 AM

Well shit, WAL. 13 years. The bright side is that you're now out of adultery. Best wishes for your new future.

mike7 posted 5/9/2019 09:44 AM

Really sorry to hear that WAL. You're a good man. I'm glad you've got a good network of family and friends for support. Be kind with yourself.

Tred posted 5/9/2019 12:30 PM

WAL,

I have no words to say mate. I'm glad to hear you are doing well and have a strong support network. What's going to happen to the niece and nephew you adopted?

I'd say stay strong, but I'm pretty sure you've got this.

sisoon posted 5/9/2019 16:15 PM

Best of luck on your search for a house. I hope you find something great and underpriced.

I'd say, 'Stay real,' but that probably doesn't need to be said, either....

stolenyears posted 5/9/2019 18:16 PM

Sorry that it ended that way WAL. For those that are still around and trying to R, that scares the hell out of us. Glad you are finally out of infidelity. All the best to you.

Tred posted 5/9/2019 22:07 PM

For those that are still around and trying to R, that scares the hell out of us.

I can understand why you, or anyone else would feel that way but it's the biggest challenge you face in reconciliation: do I commit or do I hedge? In my opinion, if you go into R then you have made the decision that your wife is a candidate for R, and there is a possibility that the a new marriage can be formed out of the ashes of the old. You don't know what it will look like, but you commit to it. Now, that commitment needs to be to not only your marriage, but more importantly to yourself. Reconciliation is more than your wife and marriage - it's the optimal time to make certain that the situation you are in is conducive to being pretty damn happy for the rest of your life. That was the question I had to answer to go into and continue R: am I happy?

So that's my standard. I'm 8 years into R. I ask myself often, am I happy? To date, that answer has been absolutely yes. The last few years have been some of the most awesome of our marriage,and that trend looks to continue based on what we have planned in the near and far future. At this point in my life, I'm extremely glad I decided to R. At 8 years out, I've got a feeling that WAL was too, but that's my opinion not his. But he was a one of the most important influences on me during my early years, and really challenged me to not heal my marriage, but heal myself. Spoiler alert: if you don't heal yourself, you *can't* heal your marriage. But, you can heal yourself and your marriage can still fail. And that's ok.

I'm not scared. It's no way to go through life, and I refuse to live that way. I accept that the success of my marriage is NOT in my hands. I can do everything right, be the best husband in the world and still be cheated on. The difference is when I found out the first time I didn't have the tools to deal with it. I was broke, devastated, treated for a couple of years for PTSD. I was in such a bad shape that I didn't want to make a decision. Just live another day. Once I finally realized what self care really meant, and started to take care of myself, my marriage began to heat. Now I am healthy, the marriage is healthy, and things are really good.

I'm not naive, I've seen enough on SI to know that no marriage is ever safe. Hell, I'm stunned, absolutely rocked by what WAL posted. I even talked to my wife about it tonight. She was as stunned as me as she is on here and has read and admired him as much as I did. WAL had some absolutely amazing posts about marriage and his journey and it was a success from what I read. But like the stock market, apparently past performance in marriage is no indicator of future performance.

So what to do? What to do when you can't be certain that your wife will never cheat on you again? There are 3 options: divorce, limbo, or R. All of those have consequences, and based on my standard of "am I happy" limbo isn't an option. That period in my life absolutely sucked, but I didn't know whether to go left or right so I stayed in the middle. Divorce, you may be happy or not. R, the same. But heal yourself to where you know you are happy? Then it shouldn't matter. That's where I am at now. If I were to find out that my wife cheated on my again, I would be devastated. I'm positive about that. Unlike the first time it happened, I now have the tools to deal with it. My wife doesn't complete me. She enhances me.

All I can suggest is get to the point where you aren't scared anymore, where you've let go of the outcome no matter whether it's D or R. Apparently the results aren't that dissimilar if you get healthy. If my marriage were to suddenly end tomorrow, I'd be ok, and most importantly, I won't regret any day up till that point, or after. I made a decision to be happy a few years ago, and that was a good decision. I'd really like my wife to be part of that, but she's not critical path.

I'm raising my Bud Light to the Menz. Dilly Dilly. And an extra Dilly for WAL.

Loukas posted 5/9/2019 23:34 PM

Cheers to that!

LosferWords posted 5/10/2019 07:10 AM

What Tred said.

WAL, I don't have to tell you that you're going to be okay, because you already know that. Best of luck on finding a suitable home at a decent price. Something will fall into place. Wishing you peace of mind, and a happy future that you define.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 7:20 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

Unhinged posted 5/10/2019 09:51 AM

For those that are still around and trying to R, that scares the hell out of us.
As it should, I think. I've been around long enough to know that plenty of waywards "relapse," even many years later. Fear is natural. It's how we deal with that fear that makes the difference. Offering a WS the chance to reconcile is a risky business, as they've already betrayed themselves (and us). Thing is, though, my FWW was always "vulnerable" to infidelity. The root causes were already there, within her, long before I ever met her. Those abandonment issues, strong CoD tendencies, profound sense of entitlement and selfishness were all apart of her character throughout our entire relationship and marriage. It was only a matter of time, I think.

Can people change? Yes, I think so. An SI member used to write that change occurs when the pain of same exceeds the pain of change. I also think that for some people those changes don't really stick. Eventually, they revert back to their old selves because... well, they're broken people.

So, yeah... stories like WAL's may not exactly scare the shit out of me, but they do remind me that there's no incontrovertible reason to believe that my wife might be any different. In the meantime, I hope for the best and prepare myself for the worst.

reallyscrewedup7 posted 5/10/2019 10:09 AM

W_A_L,

I am sorry this happened. Glad you are out and okay. When you posted back in November or such I kind of figured she had flipped. I don't remember much, but I do remember she posted maybe around that time and it was full of spite. Anyway, sorry.

And I do want to let you know how important you were to my recovery eight years ago. Thank you for your wit and wisdom!

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