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Betrayed Menz Thread-Part 33

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stolenyears posted 12/28/2018 17:53 PM

Merry Christmas all! So 64fleet - not sure if it is age or the situation we find ourselves in after being betrayed, but wholeheartedly yes.

I am 51, and seem to fantasize about heading down to the coast and not returning. I grew up fishing on the coast, and salt water bay fishing is something I could really get used to every day. My youngest is still in HS, so until he is gone, it is just a fantasy. No boat in current inventory, but a very detailed and often fantasized about boat may or may not be blue with a center console...

And just to add, my wife is the picture of remorse and there is really nothing more that she could be doing in recovery. She has basically had an Olympic Gold Medal award winning recovery, and I still fantasize about riding off into the sunset...

steadychevy posted 12/31/2018 20:35 PM

Happy New Year, gents. May 2019 be a good one. I won't see the New Year roll in but when I wake up it will be a New Year.

sisoon posted 1/1/2019 14:24 PM

Hapopy new year, all.

...won't see the New Year roll in....
We've been getting together with a group of people for 20-25 years - a restaurant first, then meeting for dessert, champagne, etc., at someone's house.

The last few years it's been just the restaurant. We made it almost to 11 PM last night before breaking up. I imagine we all actually stayed up past midnight, but not together.

NYE decades ago was milestone for us. We had planned a very nice time together, but I got sick instead. If our plans had born fruit, we would not have ended the night the way I wanted to (in bed together), but we've made it every year since, except 12/31/70-1/1/71. Sleeping in the same bed after NYE is always a big deal for me.

NYE '70/'71 we spent in a storm at sea in a not so big ship. They didn't even open the bar. I and 2 other passengers were up an around, grooving on being thrown around by the ocean and seeing waves soak the upper deck we were on. W and the other passengers just braced themselves in their bunks, hoping they wouldn't choke on their sea-sickness. THAT was a great trip! (At least for me....)

Butforthegrace posted 1/2/2019 07:41 AM

Happy New Years. We spent the evening watching movies with the kids, who are both home for the holidays. It feels good having the whole family together in one room.

I heard a term this morning that I've not previously heard, referring to somebody who prefers drinking commercial pisswater beer like MGD or Corona or such: "He's a yellow beer guy." Sometimes, on a hot summer day after mowing the lawn or working on the roof, I'm also a "yellow beer guy".

Cephastion posted 1/2/2019 16:14 PM

Yeah well just as long as you're not a yellow snow guy...

Although that might make an interesting nickname for one of those brands like Bud Ice or a frozen Margarita made with lemons instead of limes.

Shoot, for all I know they actually do have that out as a regular drink somewhere.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 4:16 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]

stolenyears posted 1/2/2019 21:21 PM

So if you are drinking the commercial pisswater beer does that make you a Yella Fella?

stolenyears posted 1/2/2019 21:23 PM

Seriously, drink whatever helps...this shit is hard enough to deal with. Bourbon helps...

Happy New Year!

Tred posted 1/4/2019 17:26 PM

Just stopping by to say Happy New Years and Dilly Dilly Menz!

FamilyMan75 posted 1/4/2019 19:10 PM

What do you do when you feel like your WW is doing enough. Every major change she has made came from her own doing, and I didn't have to tell her. She got into counselling, she got herself into SAA meetings, she's being more open, not defensive, and she was the one that came to me wanting to give us one last chance after she initiated the separation. She isn't perfect and I have called her out on a lot of bullshit. But today she asked me what else I need from her. SHe feels like I'm holding back, and maybe I am.

Cephastion posted 1/4/2019 19:34 PM

What do you do when you feel like your WW is doing enough.

But today she asked me what else I need from her. SHe feels like I'm holding back, and maybe I am.

Maybe you just give her what you're comfortable giving her.

On the one hand, I think there's oftentimes a theoretical "matching funds" thing that happens or else an expectation of such.

But where does that come in when the "donor" in question is just making the required weekly/monthly payments on a bank robbery and maxed out credit card and bounced checks and the medical bills for the people that they shot during the robbery?

If you feel like giving her more "attaboys" and kudos or trust and emotional intimacy then great. But then again, the "burnt dog dreads the fire" for a REASON, ya know...

Some people never get out on parole for ruining other people's lives for the sheer pleasure and fun of doing so.

But you know you better than anyone else does, most likely. At some point, you likely want to feel free of that whole "adult babysitting" job and mentality as well (assuming that's where it's still at for you mentally).

What is your gut telling you that IT thinks you should do?

[This message edited by Cephastion at 7:38 PM, January 4th (Friday)]

FamilyMan75 posted 1/4/2019 19:43 PM

What is your gut telling you that IT thinks you should do?

I don't know if I trust my own gut. I've been cheated on by her my entire marriage. I'm co-dependent and working on that. But she has told me multiple times that she feels like I'm holding back because she thinks if I push too hard, that she'll get up and leave. But on the other hand I'm happy with the progress she has been making. She is vulnerable, open and I know how hard it is for her, to face her own personal demons. So maybe her assumption is correct. But that isn't her problem.

[This message edited by FamilyMan75 at 7:45 PM, January 4th (Friday)]

Cephastion posted 1/4/2019 20:53 PM

I guess you've got me wondering what the actual push and pull and give and take and holding back you are referring to is.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 8:53 PM, January 4th (Friday)]

FamilyMan75 posted 1/4/2019 21:29 PM

I guess you've got me wondering what the actual push and pull and give and take and holding back you are referring to is.

At my last IC appointment (reminds me I have to make another) I touched on my need to come to my wife rescue. I think subconciously, as soon as my wife has a problem, my first reaction is to step in and help her, instead of standing back and letting her handle it. I think that may have something to do with it. Because I have never gotten really angry at her cheating. I've never called her a whore, or a bitch, or a c*** or any derogatory terms. I have saved all my pent-up anger on her affair partners, particularly the other man. While I am angry at her, I don't feel rage.

setecastronomy posted 1/13/2019 21:35 PM

Hi, guys.

Time for my check-in. It's been a while.

I miss anything interesting? Or are all of the excuses SSDD?

sisoon posted 1/14/2019 12:17 PM

What's 'SSDD?'

Familyman, I strongly recommend reading about the Drama Triangle - karpmandramatriangle.com (citation OKed by mod) is a good place to start. Strongly recommend.

IMO, you've stuck yourself in the middle of a whole set of Drama Triangles, and that does not work for long.

setecastronomy posted 1/14/2019 14:05 PM

"SSDD" = "Same Shit, Different Day."

Jduff posted 1/18/2019 17:13 PM

I think subconciously, as soon as my wife has a problem, my first reaction is to step in and help her, instead of standing back and letting her handle i

Sounds like a KISA complex. Knight In Shining Armor.

Cephastion posted 1/20/2019 08:25 AM

This thread is so dead right now.

I feel like I'm "living" in a damn tomb lately, although I'm not blaming any of y'all or SI for that.

It's just that it's been a hard and relatively lonely feeling holiday season and winter for me so far, I guess.

And I hate that so many people I loved are either gone or dead.

Rideitout posted 1/20/2019 08:43 AM

And I hate that so many people I loved are either gone or dead.

I was thinking about this the other day and realized something.. Warning, what follows is not "happy go lucky", don't read it if you're not in a good place.

I think through my life at the accumulated hurts. And back to when I was a kid, the biggest problem I had was "what to wear to school". I basically had no real hurts (even though they felt like it at the time). Now, looking back, I realize I didn't know what hut really was. Now I do, and, ahead of me, I see more and more of it. And the hurts are worse than the pleasures, which makes me very sad and hopeless sometimes. In fact, sex is basically the only pleasure that's come to my life after becoming an adult. I knew love before, I had friends, I didn't have to worry about money (and am finally getting back to that). But, absent sex, almost everything else has just been more and more hurt. My childhood pets died. Some of my friends died. Many of my family members have died, including those very close to me. My W cheated on me. And I look at myself today compared to the person I was 20 years ago and think "You have gotten very little additional pleasure and TONS of additional pain".

And that's the thing, in some ways, it's all about accumulated hurts. The memories of the way things used to be better and never will be again. Could be an A, the loss of a loved one, an illness or lifelong injury. But it all adds to the hurts without much (if anything) to balance it out. The older we get, the more of these accumulated hurts we have, and, IMHO, the more jaded we become. And it all comes down to the non-reflexive nature of pain vs pleasure. Imagine the most painful thing you can conceive of right now. Now imagine the most pleasurable thing you can conceive of. Would you trade 10 minutes of the pain for 10 minutes of the pleasure? Or 1 minute of the pain for 1 day of the pleasure? If you said yes, I put it to you that you're not trying hard enough when imagining the pain. Because, as humans, our pain meter seems to go from 1 to 100,000,000,000. Our pleasure meter goes from 1 to 10. And that's a sad thing to realize, especially when you couple it with the concept of "accumulated pain" as I outlined it above.

In some ways, I feel like I'm always going to be in the negative. I've accumulated so much pain, some of it deserved, most of it just a result of life circumstances and some of it intentionally inflicted (my W's A, for example) that I feel like if it were money, I'd need to declare bankruptcy because there's just no chance at getting back to "even" from where I am. And I've had a good/very good life. The pains I've felt, except for my W's A, have been pretty much either "normal life tragedy" or self inflicted. And it's just very sad to me when I think about how much worse it could be; again, the capacity in humans for pain knows nearly no bounds.

I read a lot on this, one of my favorite books (although, again, it's very depressing) is Better Never to Have Been by David Bentar where he explores this concept in detail. But, from where I sit today, it's hard to disagree with him. And his basic argument that pain > pleasure is hard for me to refute because it seems to describe my personal life and experience well.

Anyway, sorry for the downer. And your not alone missing your loved ones, that's another scar that most of us carry and all of us, if we live long enough eventually will.

Cephastion posted 1/20/2019 09:53 AM

RIO, your honesty just about ALWAYS cheers me up to be real honest with you!

And the fact that your belief system is so opposite of mine in certain respects...it actually helps me to remember things that I need to be reminded of, in a way.

I seriously wish more "Christians" would be like you in terms of your sharing and what I perceive your personality and even integrity to be!

Your points are very valid considerations indeed, although I am on a very different page in some respects. Partly just because of the fact that so much of my pain actually was in my youth and childhood, I tell my wife at least there's no one alive left in my family to lose!

I'll make my counter points to what you shared on here eventually, I expect, but in the meantime, I'm very appreciative of your input and your person on here. You make being a "Godless heathen" look good sometimes! (Probably because you come across as more sincere and values-oriented than a lot of the religious people I know...)

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