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Back again, this time I won't survive it.

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annanew posted 12/7/2018 23:33 PM

Hi ESD. Iíve only read the original post and your most recent updates. Youíre not going to heal with a WS like yours. She is holding you back. You said maybe God was trying to teach you that love is a distraction. Maybe God was trying to teach you that a certain kind of love is a distraction. Thereís one kind of love where you are facing each other, and another kind where you are both facing God. Maybe you are meant for the latter.

Morph posted 12/20/2018 11:32 AM

Hi ESD, I know how much youíve struggled, so I just wanted to say to keep going. Things will get better, and people on SI are always here to listen. Wishing you the very best.

Emptyshelldad posted 12/22/2018 02:07 AM

Thank you for your replies. I wish I knew how to respond in a good format to each response.


Holidays are becoming weird, its the whole not feeling anything issue. I am supposed to love the holidays so why do I feel so apathetic? Appt set with doc on jan 2nd for anti depressant. Hopefully he just gives me a big dose and ill be happy again and not always so damn down.

It might help my confidence maybe. Right now its in the toilet. Hating this crap guys.

I know these latest incidents aren't the only ones. Its been going on much much longer. That's why she doesn't want to talk about it. She is afraid of me knowing the real truth. Makes me sad because the love I though was genuine and strong turns out to be so weak that sure can't even tell me the truth about any of it.

annb posted 12/22/2018 05:59 AM

Hi, ESD, I lost my joy for the holidays for about four years after D-Day.

The years prior I faked it for the sake of my children, making sure they had presents under the tree and trying to keep some of the traditions they had through the years.

I am glad you are meeting with your doctor,it will take a couple of weeks until the medication take effect. Also, sometimes it's trial and error with these medications so if you have to change your medication, don't get upset.

Remember, you do not have to stay in your situation and be miserable.

[This message edited by annb at 6:00 AM, December 22nd (Saturday)]

Joy1984 posted 12/22/2018 06:49 AM

Seconding annb, it can take up to a month or even 6 weeks to feel the full effect of an anti-depressant, so please hang in there and IC is really helpful (if hard af) during that time.

squid posted 12/22/2018 08:08 AM

Hey, ESD.

Glad to see you're still checking in. I hear you about the holidays. Everything has lost its luster for me. As you can see by my profile, I've recently divorced my XWW. It's honestly a relief.

I think you know you deserve more than a person who is only willing to give you the most minuscule of effort. Let her go. She sounds like she doesn't want to be married anymore. That's a tough pill to swallow, I truly know. Just know it's not about you. Sounds cliche, but it's true. I myself am still trying to accept this. But I can see there is a brokenness inside my ex that she refuses to accept. And it isn't my responsibility to fix her. So choosing to divorce was my only option.

Yes, I look back with a sad fondness at the times when things were really great and seemingly perfect. But then I also see the things I should have paid more attention to - the red flags. Ah, those rose-colored glasses. Denial is a powerful thing. Once those glasses come off and reality sets in, its debilitating trying to accept it. That's where you are, I'd guess.

I'm just saying, the only thing worse than leaving a cheater is staying with one. There can be a life for you on the other side of this.

Hugs for the holidays. Peace.

Emptyshelldad posted 1/20/2019 03:52 AM

I'm feeling more and more the need to detach. My ww is feeling numb about everything really. And Im feeling like I'm the only one who is trying to save "us".... Is there really any us anymore? Its almost all been destroyed and no real effort to get it back. I'm just kinda drifting along, wishing I could die, but will not leave my babies like that. I will not. My friend is saying I should smoke weed for an immediate feel much better thing. That's what I want in an antidepressant, but it sounds unlikely to take effect right away.

Doctor had to reschedule three weeks later. So I'm still yet to go. All they ever say is "are you a danger to yourself" and I'm like what the hell am I supposed to say to that. If I say yes you'll have me like commited but if I say no, you will give me an appt six months from now.

Just trying to hang on.....

annb posted 1/20/2019 06:24 AM

Hi, ESD, glad you checked back in.

Is there any other doctor you could meet with sooner? Obviously, you are depressed, the sooner you able to get the correct medications, the faster you will feel relief.

I'm sorry your wife isn't coming around, I think once you can get your moods stabilized, you will begin to think more clearly and understand you deserve much more than she is willing to give. It's not you, it's HER.

You also need to find some happiness outside of the marriage, meeting with friends, a hobby, exercise, volunteering, anything that helps you get out of the rabbit hole, even if it's just temporary.

You cannot fix her, but you can certainly focus on you and your precious girls.

You've been hanging on for so long, I think once you meet with your MD and begin to feel better, you will no longer want to just hang on but to really LIVE life to the fullest. It may or may not be with your wife, but you certainly deserve to be happy and not live in this constant state of sadness.

You are going to be ok, ESD. The ball is in your court to take steps to change your depression and your life. One day at a time.

Give those precious girls a huge hug every day. Love them to pieces every single day.

pureheartkit posted 1/20/2019 07:07 AM

Shell, it made me glad to see you posting again.

I'm happy to know you're still keeping on and being there for your girls. It's been a long lonely road that's for sure. I've thought so much about what I wanted and what actually happened. Shell I couldn't have controlled any of it. I have to say I put so much effort and positive energy into it, it wasn't for lack of trying.

The best thing has been to make improvements for myself. Bringing up my skills, talking to people with similar interests. I think we are soon upon a moment where the country comes together to do great things. People are ready. America is a place where people believe things can get done. I wish it would come sooner but it will be here in its time. I want to be part of it. The main thing is for people to believe it's possible.

You must believe that a good future for you is possible. There's no question in my mind that you could have peace and satisfaction. Your life might not be what you planned, but it could bring you happiness. You can bring your daughters support and happiness and that's impossible to put a value on. Here's to old grandad shell laughing with the grandkids.

annanew posted 1/20/2019 07:26 AM

If your appt is not in the next week, please call back and tell them you need to see the dr sooner. Donít answer that question about being a danger to yourself, just reiterate you need to see the dr sooner. They can make time. All of them can. Itís worked into their schedules to have time for emergencies.

Youíre doing great, hang in there.

NotTheManIwas posted 1/20/2019 08:43 AM

Sending strength, brother.

Emptyshelldad posted 1/21/2019 02:12 AM

Annb - WW is sleeping on the couch most nights, which means my lil three year old comes to lay down with daddy so I get to snuggle her all night and she's very much a cuddler. She will take my arm and use her hand to pull it Round her and pull her close. It really helps so much. In those dark moments we can forget that we are so much more than just a person in a hard relationship. We are mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers. Uncles and aunts, sons and daughters.

It really helped me me when a member on here talked about how badly her childs suicide affected her. I saw it through the eyes of a parent, and I thought how I would hurt forever if I ever lost a child to that. And it helped me make it through so far.

And just knowing people out there hear me and care helps a lot too. No one else really knows about all of this or how I feel. I'm the funny strong make everyone laugh guy so no one would think I'm barely hanging on. So it really helps to have a place I can let this part of me be known.


And I don't mean to paint my ww in an eternally negative light. We have many good moments and stuff. They are.just the exception rather than the rule. And it isn't because shes evil. Its because she too is horribly depressed. So she is doing all she can to hang on as well. I wish I could flip a switch and fix us both. I do love her so very much. There is a lot of pain... Hurts bad, but there is still love.


PUREHEARTKIT - I am in boise idaho so it is the fastest growing metro area for the last few years in the country. So the downside of that is that there is a shortage of everything. Doctors are booked out 2 months in advance. I did call them and they said they can get me into see a immediate care doc but to get an antidepressant and anti anxiety and some sleep aid stuff, ill have to establish care with a family physician. So that's why it's taking so long this time.
I'll make it, it just sucks until then. But thank you for your help. It means a lot that you took the time to reply.

NOTTHEMANIWAS - your username resonates with me. Twice over now in the only long term loves ive ever allowed close. Its definitely changed me bro. I hate that it has, but I won't let it beat me. Not forever, not for good. Too many little hearts depend on me to be there for them when no one else will be. From 17 years old (when I was in high school with my first love /ww) to 18 months lil sweetheart. And all ages in between. I'll climb back out of this for them.

NotTheManIwas posted 1/21/2019 09:18 AM

Yeah, man, my handle could reflect a couple of things. It could mean I'm broke, or it could mean I'm a whole lot less gullible. If we're being honest with ourselves, we're all a bit of both.

pureheartkit posted 1/21/2019 22:56 PM

Thanks for telling us you have a great sense of humor. It gets us through the through the darkest times. I'm usually all sunny and light for others but when I get frustrated or mad, I get a wicked wit. I could write jokes for late night shows then. I don't know why but the words and wordplay just pop into my head. Cracks my sister up. She says, call me when you're mad.

I'm happy you're somewhere where the economy is good. Young families are leaving here to places like Idaho because that's where they can afford homes and get work. It's beautiful country that's for sure. One day I hope I get to hear your humor. Sometime, I'll post when I'm mad and none of you will recognize me! Stay in touch here.

Brok3n2017 posted 1/23/2019 11:24 AM

Oh Emptyshelldad, my heart goes out to you. I can honestly say I have never been in a faithful relationship and not because of my doing. I know the numb, I know the suicidal thoughts, I know the heartache that is so bad you would swear you're having a heart attack, I know the pain, the devastation, the insecurities, I felt them D-Day and I still feel them everyday and I am 16 months out. I am right there with you when you say if it doesn't work out with your current lady, you will be alone. That is exactly how I feel. Why would I need to put trust in someone else that can hurt me to the core again? Things will get better, they will get easier! I cannot say that you will ever be the same because you will not. You will be stronger, you will know your limits and you will be more aware! Your girls are lucky to have such a strong father and I know they would love to be able to grow old with you. We cannot let someone take us down, we are the Lord of our own soul! Sending tons of prayers and strength your way. (((Hugs)))

CatsEye posted 1/23/2019 11:34 AM

Downforthecount wrote:

Most of us have taken critical damage and are just trying to make it back to port for repairs before we sink.

That about sums it up.

CatsEye posted 1/23/2019 11:49 AM

Emptyshelldad wrote:

Sex is maybe once a month, or longer. And I have to really push for it. Its so humiliating to have to beg for what she gave so freely gave to others and in fact she was the pursuer in a lot of cases.

This doesn't sound good. Are you sure this is a woman you want in the same household as your children?

You aren't alone. You do not need this women to not be alone. You have children. My exhole took all of my child-bearing years. When my parents die - which probably isn't far off, I will be alone in a way that you probably never will be because you have children. I still wouldn't take him back, even with a gun at my head.

People with unfaithful partners will never be happy until they realize that not having any partner at all is WAY BETTER than having a lying, cheating scumbag as their partner in life.

Don't stay in a toxic relationship just so you won't be alone. I'm very much afraid that you are deluding yourself about this woman loving you and being the love of your life, and I'm very much afraid that staying in this relationship is just going to cause you more suffering, more missed opportunities, and more lost time. In my opinion, embracing the possibilities of singlehood and focusing on your role as a father are far better uses of your time than wasting energy trying to save a marriage with a lying cheat who isn't bothering to make any efforts of her own. You cannot make the marriage a success by yourself, and that is exactly what you are trying to do.

Let it go. Start detaching yourself from her. Begin by facing the possibility that she is a cold-hearted user who cares nothing for you, and that you have been seeing her as you wanted her to be rather than as she really is.

Best of luck.

boisesister posted 1/23/2019 21:06 PM

ESD I saw you were in Boise and just had to post. Omega health services on State street has a walk in clinic 5 to 8 pm on Mondays and Thursdays. Please go, they take insurance, have male and female therapists and will get you something to carry you through to you appt. They are the best in town.
Also, look around for a celebrate recovery and/or divorce care group. Every large church in town has them.

Brok3n2017 posted 1/25/2019 10:38 AM

Hi Emptyshelldad, just checking on you. Hope everything is looking up for you.

Emptyshelldad posted 2/7/2019 01:01 AM

I'm bumping along, but I have made 2 appts with a doc and both got rescheduled because they put it in as a new patient exam, and I guess it's low priority. I just wish I could be on something five months ago. I need to feel better.

My anxiety is hitting my chest so hard that it feels like I'm having a heart attack. I can't process what happened and I'm hardly sleeping. I'm losing it. Why can't they have a damn pill that makes you feel better in a few hours!!x

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