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Back again, this time I won't survive it.

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beenthereinco posted 7/21/2018 12:17 PM

But Im clawing my way up slowly. I'm not giving up.

You are an inspiration. Keep it up. I pray for you.

brokendreamer posted 7/21/2018 14:29 PM

Way to go

I am sooooooooo pleased to hear that you re getting your own place and out of that toxic environment. I am sure that now you may be able to start making progress and I am over the moon for you. I hope that my 'kicking your butt' helped in some way though I am sorry I had to do it, I am not sorry if it helped you in any way to make this move. I just felt your pain so badly and felt so helpless, I had to try a different approach, so forgive me if you found my words harsh, they were written with the very best intentions.

I actually believe that you are going to come out of this a really strong man and when that happens, you have so very much to offer to new members here, so don't you go abandoning us in the future Maybe you can even kick my butt and hard, as I am in need of it, I am stuck at the moment, now that would be Karma!!Just aim for a flabby bit of butt, same on both sides, might give it a free lift!

You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for, to come from the depths of despair as you did, not wanting to live, to getting your own place, working hard and 'clawing' your way back up, truly inspirational. You're stronger than she is and I think once you start to rise, you will soar. You were in a deep, dark place, weakened by pain and depression, you felt helpless and hopeless. Now you have started to move forward and can see daylight once again, there will be no stopping you, the confidence will come with every positive achievement.

A much brighter future awaits you ESD and I pray that one day you look back upon this terrible time as a learning experience, that made you the person you are about to become. I hope you look back at the advice given by the wonderful people here in your time of need and can offer your wisdom to others Oh and never forget the gobby little cow from the UK who gave you plenty of carrot, then resorted to the stick

Good luck with the move, keep us posted, so proud of you

Booyah posted 7/21/2018 14:39 PM

ESD so glad to hear from you.

I think getting your own place will do wonders for you. Life is a journey my friend and we grow the most during the trials of life.

You'll get through this if you keep the faith and you'll be stronger and wiser.

Hang in there!!

Booyah posted 7/21/2018 14:49 PM

Have never put a link to a video on here so I hope this works.

If so I hope this helps ESD.

Emptyshelldad posted 7/22/2018 04:49 AM

I have to say.... I was wanting to not clarify this and let you go on believing that I am the strong awesome man you described in your replies. However, I've been honest this far and I want to be very open and honest with you all.

I moved from.Montana to Boise, idaho. I came because my ex called my brother crying uncontrollably about the fact that she was worried about me because I went to see my two girls that I had with her and when my ex talked to my girls about how the visit went, they said it was good but my teenager said to her mother in private that she got the feeling something was very wrong between my wife and I. And that I was very sad, and gave her a lot of daddy is always with you no matter what kinda talks and she wanted to know if ny ex knew anything about it. Well my ex came here, found my username and read my post. She figured out that I was set to punch my own ticket as soon as I got back to home. So my brother called my mom and my mom immediately calls me repeatedly and I play the usual be roll, lots of jokes, laughter, etc and she gets a lil serious and said she wants to talk to me about some stuff.

She tells me that my brother called her and she thought he was very drunk because he was sobbing so hard she couldnt get him to talk with words for 7 mins.

Long of the short, they wanted me home asap. And my brother said we could stay with them (huge house lotsa money) and so on.

So myself, the WW and our two lil girls, moved into my brothers.

So when I said, I got my own place, I meant I got a place for all of us that is our own and I won't be living with my brother anymore.

I really do wish I could get my own place and be that man. Sadly, inexplicably... I still love her so much. But Im losing hope in that more and more every day.

She's doing nothing at all to help me heal or show any desire to R. She's not evil, but she's numb too. I can tell. By its so painful. I'm always touch and go for whether or not ill "fall" off a roof onto the concrete below so I'm just stuck in this limbo of not knowing. But I do know, id never see my babies anymore if I leave. The system is geared towards women and I don't have the resources her family would put behind her to fight it.

And that.... I don't think I could bear. It would finish me.

Emptyshelldad posted 7/22/2018 04:53 AM

And I understand what you were meaning brokendreamer. You made me laugh with the butt joke. You were right though. I'm very messed up now, and so is she. Its horrible. I wish it wasn't true but the kids know nothing about it. 3 year old and 1 year old. I'm not perfect, in fact.... I think you couldn't find a more flawed man than I. But, I'm trying to be better every day and though I don't often succeed. I'm trying.

jinkazama posted 7/22/2018 05:03 AM


How is Your Relationship with your ex

Was she sorry about her cheating at that time

Is she single or have a husband or boyfriend.

Do you wanna tell us?

HopefulJourney posted 7/23/2018 01:03 AM

ESD, you’re going to be an overcomer! I can tell you have your feet under yourself better. All your baby toes need you. Thanks for being so vulnerable and open. We’re here to support you through this shit storm. Best/worst club in the world to be in!

PlanC posted 7/23/2018 02:16 AM

Little girls need their dad. Studies have shown that dadless girls have a much greater likelihood of having poor relationships with men. Some become frigid—making for poor marriages. Others become sexually loose—making for poor lives. You need to keep on keepin’ on for them. You can do it—everyone on this forum has been where you are.

Emptyshelldad posted 7/27/2018 01:31 AM

Feeling so dead inside, its really scary. I can't feel anything. Even when I hold my babies, I feel nothing. When I make great money, I feel nothing. When ww and I connect a lil, I feel nothing.

I don't feel.....human. without feeling, are you even alive? Or am I already dead in soul, only my body hasn't realized we're dead yet?

PlanC posted 7/27/2018 09:00 AM

That flatness is a mental defense mechanism. By turning off feelings you’ve turned off pain. Once you process your pain you’ll be able to find joy again.

Have you seen a psychiatrist or psychologist? They may be able to help steer your psyche back in the right direction.

[This message edited by PlanC at 9:02 AM, July 27th (Friday)]

annb posted 7/27/2018 10:06 AM

Hi, ESD, I think most of us can relate to the dead feeling inside. Just numb. Always numb.

Your Doctor can help.

Finding something YOU enjoy doing can help, fishing, volunteer at an animal shelter, play pool with friends, the point I am making is that you *need* a bit of your own life. ANYTHING to give you some time to enjoy away from the daily stress.

I noticed you are posting trying to help some new members, that's a baby step in the right direction.

You will survive this, once again, be good to yourself.

ZenMumWalking posted 7/27/2018 11:58 AM

ESD - now that you are in your new place, PLEASE find a psychiatrist. They are a doctor that can help you with meds and talk therapy.

It has taken me years to learn this, and I hope that you can learn from my experience. With treatment I have been able to move through my pain, move past feeling suicidal, work to understand my emotions and my choice of response.

You can get there too. You are feeling numb because numb is so much better than suffering. But just because you are not acknowledging your emotions does not mean that you don't have them or that they are going away. Your pain will not go away by itself. You have to help it along.

I am so glad that you are still here and still checking in. I urge you to reach out to a doctor to get treatment for your depression and suicidality. This is the way forward.


brokendreamer posted 7/27/2018 12:20 PM


I have found that numb feeling to be part of the grieving process, it is the brain kicking in to protect and help us heal. I am glad you have reached that stage, I did about 3 weeks ago and slowly started to feel better after. It will pass I promise you, but right now it is helping you, so roll with it.

I noticed you offering some very sound advice to a guy on here yesterday, I had a grin like a Cheshire cat You might not see it yourself yet, but I can clearly see you making progress now and I am so happy to see that.

I sent you a PM, just in case you ever need a kick in the butt to keeop you moving lol. I will even let you choose which side I kick If i am going to keep marching up this hill to get to the other side, rest assured that you are coming with me!

There are so many people here on SI, willing you on, they care, I care my friend.

Try those links I posted for the guided meditation. The first night I tried them, i hd a hot chocolate, a warm bath and put crisp, fresh cotton sheets on my bed to help me relax. Get in bed, get comfy, pop in headphones and just listen, I was surprised how soon my eyes started to feel heavy and my mind slowed down and relaxed, followed by my body, that was 11pm, the next thing I remember was waking at 10am the following morning. Let me know how you find them

Emptyshelldad posted 7/27/2018 22:39 PM

Broken - My main problem is that she sleeps like a baby most nights. What has happened, what she did ,doesn't seem to affect her at all. And my soul has been laid upon the sword of.betrayal, and bled out long ago. I carry it with me now, all shriveled and charred, what was once a lively and warm soul is now destroyed. It makes me sad. Or it would if didnt feel so dead too. But I still walk. And so do you.

ZenMumWalking posted 7/28/2018 08:03 AM

My main problem is that she sleeps like a baby most nights. What has happened, what she did,doesn't seem to affect her at all.

This really bothered me too. How could they do this to us and then act like nothing happened. HOW?

But the thing is, they don't think like us. We will never understand it. The best way out of this is to accept that you will never understand it and detach.


annb posted 7/28/2018 09:35 AM

My main problem is that she sleeps like a baby most nights

ESD, this used to infuriate me.

My WH fell asleep and slept like a baby the night I confronted him, I mean a deep sleep. I was up all night and a basket case pacing the floors.

I rarely slept the first couple of years, and he slept soundly every.single.night.

It's mind boggling.

brokendreamer posted 7/28/2018 13:09 PM

I am sure mine sleeps like a baby too, though I am a great believer that their wrong doings will catch up with them, Karma.

We don't sleep because we are hurt and grieving, they are in fantasyland and the way I look at it is this. I m doing my grieving now, his is yet to come and it surely will and coming down from fantasyland to reality is going to be a huge bump. Remember that the higher they climb, the harder the fall is going to be. That fall is inevitable at some point, any relationship built on lies and to the extreme detriment of someone else, is never going to work long term. Not least because it is evidence of selfishness, a cruel streak and lack of honesty and integrity.

The whole behaviour of these cheats brings to mind the story of the hare and the tortoise

ESD, the fact that she sleeps like a baby having behaved as she has, tells me she has little concern for any consequences of her actions and no remorse. I feel that she takes you for granted, she assumes she is home and dry and that you are never going to leave her. It should prove to you exactly how selfish and hard faced she is, let that be your motivation to continue moving forward.

GoneDoggyGone posted 8/10/2018 15:10 PM

Just read your thread.
First - you need to be finished with WW. She is hurting you over and over with her lack of remorse, her refusal to discuss her affairs and her destruction of any emails & texts having to do with them. Her drinking to excess and ODing on whatever substance is unnecessary drama you don’t need.
Your ex obviously cares more about your well-being than your WW, who has done abso-fucking-lutely nothing to try and help you get past dark depression and suicidal actions.

If WW truly wants to help, have her take a polygraph for you. Get some answers.
Or file for divorce and custody. That’s usually a wake-up call for a WS that truly wants to R.
Don’t be so sure she’ll get custody either. She’s got some issues going on - numerous infidelities in brief time period (promiscuity), hospitalization for drug/alcohol OD, and the fact she didn’t get custody of her other children.

You are in a toxic relationship. Unless WW changes enormously - becomes transparent, remorseful... you’re never going to heal.

With regard to drinking to kill the pain - that’s how I handled the 1st yr after DD. 5th of vodka a night or 24 pack of beer. I have a lot of nights I have absolutely no memory of at all.
I also spent the days too hungover to give a damn. But I also had help with childcare and housekeeping so things ran smoothly without me. And I had a big drinking problem afterward.

pureheartkit posted 8/11/2018 02:19 AM

Shell, I like IKEA too. The little spaces are neat and clean. One after another like little new possibilities. It reminds me of the small houses in the yearly solar decathalon ( home competition). You might like to look at some of those. I like those little spaces. It came out here a few years ago.

Back to IKEA, It's a place to rest your mind. Maybe not on a busy weekend when it's packed. I like to buy a bag of rye crisp bread to munch on.

You are still you. You are in there. You are going to find a path that's best for you and your kids. Maybe it finds you.

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