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Back again, this time I won't survive it.

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redsox13 posted 5/25/2018 17:33 PM

If you commit suicide your children will think about it everyday for the rest of their lives, and wonder why they were not enough.

Everday. Say they live 50 years. That is 18,250 days. They will see therapists who will have no answer. They will probably try anti-depressants the long term effects of which are unknown.

They will search the rest of their lives in pain for an answer they will never know, and no the money won't matter.

This is the reality of the decision to face.

I don't know how to sugar coats this. I have been right where you are - there are things that you can do that will help you feel better, and more importantly, spare your children from misery.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 5:33 PM, May 25th (Friday)]

latebloomer45 posted 5/25/2018 18:44 PM

I've been there...down to the rope...when H left me early in our M. We didn't have kids.

I didn't do it because of my mom. She lost a brother to suicide and she never got over it.

I lost my dad to a heat attack...I was a left a huge hole in my psyche as well as my 6 siblings.

Suicide is So.Much.Worse. What Redsox said, only your kids are little, so it's 70-80 years of pain. And a far higher chance that they too will ultimately kill themselves.

Go to a doctor and TELL THE TRUTH. Do it for those kids.

Sending prayers and hugs to you today.

Emptyshelldad posted 5/26/2018 02:10 AM

Phoenix..... Thank you so much for sharing your story here. It really helped me to aee it from a different perspective. Yes both of my parents are alive though my father is in prison (but he will be out in 5 years or so).

I can't have a stay in a mental hospital as part of my record. I'd never see me babies again, her whole family already thinks I'm the root of all of her problems and have lined up and lawyered up with many thousands of dollars behind them to get my babies away from me.

I know I.can't fight that kinda backing. I'll just end up losing my babies anyway, so thats partly why I'm so lost in darkness. I've seen way too many family court situations, its never about fairness, just who has the most money to fight until the other runs out., it will just be more midnight sobbing into a towel in the bathroom, while wishing I could stop the boice in my head telling me how pathetic I am, how I make it harder on everyone by being here still, lining out ways I.could just get it done and stop being a burden to everyone. And yes I.have quadruple checked my life insurance and it covers suicide after 2 years. So Im good there.

Its just a constant struggle every walking a knifes edge...

Thank you to all of you are the only people I can talk to about this. Kat time I called the.suicide.hotline they called the sheriff on me and he hasn't looked at me right since, so ill.never call.there again.

TimelessLoss posted 5/26/2018 09:21 AM


Are saying that admission to a hospital for a mental health condition would be used against you by those dirt bags to remove you from your kids' life?

This convinces me even more strongly that you go back to the doc that prescribed the anxiety meds, open up more to him/her, and start to get treatment that way.

k94ever posted 5/26/2018 11:14 AM


I'm wondering if the Adderall just might not work for you. Anti-depressants are not a "one size fits all" drug. Please, please, please go back to your doctor and talk to him/her. Tell the doctor about how you are feeling. Talk about your fears of being hospitalized and how that is giving you anxiety.

We are all pulling for you.


PaulR327 posted 5/26/2018 13:09 PM

I am hoping the site administrators are attempting to contact the OP and ensure his safety and prevent a tragedy


annb posted 5/27/2018 09:04 AM

Hi, ESD, glad you are checking in.

Please, please, go back to your MD and tell him the truth about what you are feeling. He might have to change your medication or put you on a combination of medications to help you cope.

I think you are in a serious state of depression. It's just not the infidelity, you might have a chemical imbalance in addition to the emotional turmoil the A has brought into your life.

Sending you a virtual hug.

[This message edited by annb at 9:04 AM, May 27th (Sunday)]

TimelessLoss posted 5/27/2018 10:33 AM


We are all thinking of you. I thought of you today. I heard a talk that urged people to speak out for those that don't have a voice. Speak out for those who are powerless. You found the power within you to face another day, to go to a doc to get some meds. We speak to you to tell you that your thoughts of suicide are caused by a treatable medical condition. We will never stop telling you that. Our hope is that you will be honest and authentic with your doc to receive treatment for your medical condition.

Children hold no power, they have no voice of their own. And that is fine because they have you to protect them, to speak and advocate on their behalf. Please don't let them lose that. Stay. Be their voice. They need that from you.

Booyah posted 5/27/2018 12:22 PM


"I can't have a stay in a mental hospital as part of my record".

Nobody is saying you have to be put in a "mental hospital".

Just go to a Dr and explain to them the TRUTH something you have yet to do. Tell the Dr you're dealing with a betrayal and you had a lot of anxiety and stress from it and that you were put on Lorazepam. Any Dr will know that one side effect of this drug is suicidal thoughts, impaired memory and judgment.

ESD you started this thread on April 3rd (close to two months).

Listen I'm shooting straight with you. You're hanging in there given this shit that was dumped on you, but I'm puzzled as to why you won't confide in someone who can help you? Why not go back to that Dr you saw previously (or another Dr in a town far away) and be honest with them.

You keep talking about losing your babies if you do this or that but guess what ESD if you kill yourself it's all over. You're dead and yes you are out of your babies lives FOREVER!!!

As others have pointed out you will be PASSING YOUR PAIN ALONG TO YOUR BABIES AND THEY WILL HAVE IT THE REST OF THEIR LIVES...... That is if they decide to kill themselves as well because you know dad did it.

ESD you are not thinking clearly. You need help. Again this doesn't mean you have to be put in a mental hospital.

Last Laugh posted 5/27/2018 15:23 PM

ESD - my 16 year old granddaughter is currently in ICU after a suicide attempt. Her psychiatrist told my daughter that, unfortunately, due to her great grandfather's suicide and my attempts, she is at risk for the rest of her life. Apparently it is an accepted fact in the world of psychiatry that family of people who commit suicide have a far higher propensity to do the same. Is that the legacy you want to leave your children and possibly future generations of your family? As far as losing your children is concerned ... you are far more likely to lose them if your mental instability becomes known and you've taken no action to obtain help than if you have yourself admitted to hospital for help.

RockstarDad posted 5/27/2018 17:17 PM

There is no record for getting voluntary help! Its covered by HIPPA. It's when you have to be court ordered or taken into police custody for something that there is a record. Go take care of yourself for your sake and your children's sake. Getting help is a sign of strength. A man takes care of his problems no matter what they are.

Men better than you or I have been through this. We deal with it and get help when we need to.

You need some 2x4s here. You've been stuck for too long. Make a call set up the appointment and go. If you can't afford it call a suicide prevention hotline and talk. You need to do it or this thread will end abruptly or go to 50 pages. There is a period to embrace the shit sandwich and grieve and there is a time to move onward. Start moving, pick up the phone.

Last thing. U want her to win. Here is how you do that. You commit suicide and reinforce a narrative she will use it to reinforce the justifications for her actions. She will parent your kids and tell them who you were by her narrative. They will be forever f'd up because they never had a daddy. You wont be a martyr, you will be the father who abandoned them when they needed u the most. You will screw up there subconscious but consciously they will try not to think of you because it hurts. People will rarely speak your name.

You want to win. Deal with it and be a better you. Be the best dad you can, be involved. Make her regret it even if she never says it because you are a heck of a dad and a better man. Live life to the fullest.

Your choice.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 5:19 PM, May 27th (Sunday)]

StillStanding1 posted 5/28/2018 10:00 AM

Please go get help, ESD. None of us can do anything except type out messages of support, advice, and encouragement.

Only YOU can take the action to turn things around and create a better life. It CAN get better. But only if you take the first step.

Your DDs need a healthy dad in their lives. Thatís YOU. Become the best dad you can be. Be healthy. Be happy. It CAN happen.

Emptyshelldad posted 5/29/2018 00:30 AM

But guys, can't I just tough this out and my chemicals will go back to normal soon?

We are travelling as a family for a while right now and I'm having these breakdowns where I can coming, and then.within.seconds ill begin sobbing.uncontrollably. ive been.crying.into a towel when this home but on the road, its a whole different story. I can't let people.see me like this. My soul is being bled out...

Coreofsteel posted 5/29/2018 00:44 AM

ESD I'm still here. I'm not trading pain with you but today was my birthday. I got sent photos of ex-WBF with another woman in January. After D-day 1. It hurts. I hope his dick falls off.

However. as much as it hurts, he's not going to be the thing that ends me. He's not worth it

I hope you can cope with today. I'm here, as always.

BearlyBreathing posted 5/29/2018 01:01 AM

Hi ESD, just for today, hang on.
Repeat daily.

The world is a better place with you in it. Stay.

Coreofsteel posted 5/29/2018 03:34 AM

Still here, ESD if you need to vent.

Booyah posted 5/29/2018 07:54 AM

"can't I just tough this out and my chemicals will go back to normal soon"?

ESD, are you still taking Lorazepam?

What other medications are you taking?

I wouldn't mess with this. Get to a Dr and explain the situation.

If you're traveling around now couldn't you break away at some point and go see a Dr somewhere? Make up an excuse to break away from your wife and go speak to an ER Dr if need be. Be truthful and explain what's going on and that you weren't truthful before to a previous Dr and the medication he put you on. Say that you've read the side effects and you're experiencing suicidal thoughts and you're definitely not thinking clearly.

Back to your original comment about "toughing this out". You yourself have stated that you don't think you'll be able to make it and have already come very close to following through so to answer your question NO I would not try to tough this out.


[This message edited by Booyah at 7:55 AM, May 29th (Tuesday)]

LivingWithPain posted 5/29/2018 10:14 AM

You haven't given us much detail as to her continued infidelity. Is she currently still in an affair right now?

k94ever posted 5/29/2018 11:14 AM

We are here for you. Please keep in touch.


tessthemess posted 5/29/2018 14:06 PM

Hey dude.

Do you have a dog?

At my darkest moments, my dog has come through for me. She shows me what it's like to be present in the now.

What do you know about the now? Look outside. What's the temperature? Can you tell me right now? What does the sky look like?

What day of the week is it?

What is your kid's favourite colour? When is their birthdays?

Have you looked down at a plant recently?

Did you know that calico cats are always female?

Have you heard of a mantra? I have one. It's "I am a part of all that I have met".

When times are tough I recall that phrase. It's a quote by Tennyson. To me, it reminds me that I am interconnected to all things, and I matter. If I die, a part of everybody I have met dies as well. If I improve myself, I improve everybody I have ever met. Self care is actually charity.

I am a part of all that I have met, and so are you.

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