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Back again, this time I won't survive it.

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brokendreamer posted 5/20/2018 12:01 PM


I just want to send you a big hug ((((ESD))))) the fact you want to throw away that rope is a HUGE step, even if you haven't done it yet, you're considering it!! its a small step of progress, proud of you.

Keep going, even in the darkest times, remember this small step you have made/are making.

One hour, one day at a time my friend, we are all walking this journey with you

Emptyshelldad posted 5/22/2018 04:40 AM

I feel like such a whiner. I'm just in this deep dark cave. I feel so dead already. Like a ghost almost. That just doesn't know he's dead yet. I'm gonna have to do something soon. I'm not hardly sleeping..... I'm losing weight. I'm popping these attivan like tic tacs, it helps to calm my mind, but the darkness lingers. I'm very well insured so my children would be much better off, in a way. I'm worth more dead than alive at this point. Literally. Lol.

annb posted 5/22/2018 05:40 AM

ESD, please talk with your doctor AND find some help.

You are going to make it through the darkness, a good diagnosis with a trained professional will help you not only with medication therapy but with talk therapy.

You need to take control of your life sooner than later. I'm sure you absolutely hate these negative feelings, there's SO MUCH HELP OUT THERE, all you have to do is seek it. No one can do it for you, if I lived closer honest to God I'd take you by the hand and lead you myself.

Please heed the advice of the members here who are concerned about you.

TimelessLoss posted 5/22/2018 07:07 AM


I'm worth more dead than alive at this point
Your children would not agree. Money is meaningless. They can't go out and buy a dad. Go back to the doc that prescribed the meds and tell him/her the truth of your medical condition.

Booyah posted 5/22/2018 07:07 AM

ESD, something to consider, I understand you don't want people in your area knowing your business and thus why you won't seek help locally.

That said why don't you seek help in a town/city far away so it won't leak out? Find a place where you can get help and tell your wife you're leaving to go visit a sick friend (or tell her some other reason or just tell her the truth).

ESD the clock is ticking and your life is on the line.

Deep down you know your kids need you, and killing yourself isn't the answer. It's a permanent solution to a short term problem.

Right now you don't see a way out of this and thus you think it's always going to be like this (or get even worse).

Let me remind you again you yourself stated that you were in this EXACT place previously with your ex and guess what YOU GOT THROUGH IT!!!!

I bet when you were in it previously you thought you'd never get through it and I'm sure the pain of the betrayal was devastating but ESD you got through it. How did you do this previously? YOU TOOK ACTION.

You say your wife now was the reason you got out of it. Well did she just magically appear in your life or did you meet her out somewhere? This took action on your part.

You obviously had to strike up a conversation with her (action on your part).

Did you ask her out? Action on your part.

Did you do nice things for her while you were dating her? Again action on your part.

I could go on and on but in order to get from point A to B you have to take action. Small steps/little tasks add up and slowly but surely they'll get you to where you're going.

ESD if your daughters were in trouble and SCREAMING FOR YOU TO HELP THEM BECAUSE THEIR LIFE WAS BEING THREATENED I know for a fact that you would drop everything and go to them.... to protect them from harm because those are your babies.

Well ESD your babies are too young to understand what's going on with you right now and thus they can't SCREAM OUT TO YOU because they don't have a voice right now.

So the people here at SI are stepping in for your babies to be their voice right now to SCREAM AT YOU and to tell you that their lives are being threatened not by a stranger but by YOU.

I know this isn't your intent but by the GRACE of God he put those babies in your life and you are supposed to take care of them and protect them.

NOBODY can replace you in their life.

If you follow through and off yourself you're going to FUCK those two babies up for the rest of their life. Is that really what you want to do? There have been a few on here that are children of a parent who killed themselves and they've so graciously shared how much it has devastated their lives over the years.

The way I see it ESD you're at a crossroad just like you were previously. You HAVE to take a small baby step and that's reaching out for help. Call someone (ANYONE) that can help you find a place that can help you. To help you clear your mind and to help pick you up out of this huge hole you find yourself in.

Heck reach out to someone here (me?)....someone you feel comfortable with. Give us some info, what town you're in and then a plan could be put in place to find a place to get you to so you can get through this. PM someone here if you can or just ask for help.

ESD the way I see it you have everything to gain by taking the first step.

If you fell down and were lying there in pain don't tell me you wouldn't cry out for someone to help you. Well that's EXACTLY what's going've fallen into a hole and you're in pain and you don't see a way out.

For your babies ESD let someone reach down into the hole to help pull you up.

You're hurting and instead of bleeding blood externally you're bleeding horrible thoughts internally. There's people out there who can help you.


ESD the same effort you're taking for doing the things you do on a daily basis (going to the bathroom, going downstairs, driving into town etc) could just as easily be put in a direction that could help get you to a place of peace.

How about it ESD?

[This message edited by Booyah at 7:13 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

brokendreamer posted 5/22/2018 13:47 PM


Two days ago, I hit rock bottom, I was in a very dark and scary place, so I can empathis to some degree.
I could not see any reason to carry on, the black hole was swallowing me and I lost the will to fight back.
I posted here and people helped me, just reading their posts of support and encouragement, knowing they care and have been there.
I rang my GP as soon as they opened and demanded, begged for an appointment. I told my GP everything, every last detail of how I was feeling. She was amazing, she just held me tight for 5 minutes, letting me cry, I used to work with her. She gave me short term sedatives and has referred me for urgent counselling, it felt good to be open and honest with her. I knew she had my best interests at heart. I am on diazepam for two weeks, it numbs me a bit and makes me drowsy, but it also numbs the pain enough to cope. Please go back to your GP and be totally honest about how you are feeling.
There are stages of grief and some people get stuck in one stage, that is what happened to me, I could not get past the shock and devastation, probably as I also have PTSD, so the brain does not process feelings as well as it should. It is rather like getting a blockage in your stomach/bowel, nothing passes through normally.
I suspect you may be stuck too in that stage, especially if you have had previous trauma.
Please go see your GP and tell him/her, they will help you through. I also have a fear of rejection going back to my childhood, the counselling will hopefully help me move onto the next stage. Ask your GP for an urgent referral.

If I can do this, you can, PM me if you like. I KNOW how hard it is and how life now seems hopeless, worthless, meaningless. But like you, I have kids and they make the fight worthwhile.

My friend gave me some good advice the other day, she said you have to make yourself worth more. Get your hair done, get new clothes, make him see what he is missing, No one is going to be attracted to a snivelling wreck who hasnt showered and lies in bed. let him see the girl he fell in love with. That goes for you too!
When the stronger moments kick in, use them as fast as you can to make a difference.

Wishing you well my friend

tammy2 posted 5/22/2018 16:19 PM

I'm popping Ativan like tic tacs

I don't have much to add to the wonderful words of support you are getting. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I did just want to mention that Ativan can have serious side effects including include worsening depression, unusual mood or behavior and suicidal thoughts. Please, please go to your doctor and discuss this.

MrMagnolia posted 5/22/2018 16:29 PM

ESD. I'm pulling for you, brother.

That lol you gave us is something to hang on to. It's part of helped me pull myself away from that cliff you seem to be facing. It strengthened me to look that fear and the pain that kept me sliding down in the face and tell it to go fuck itself.

It wasn't the only thing but I don't think I would have made it to where I am without it. It's okay to share what's going on. It's what we want to hear so we can tell you how much we care. We do care. Keep coming back. Tell us what makes you laugh in the darkness.

If it'll help you I'll share some of my own. Just ask.

Thanks for checking in.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/22/2018 20:44 PM

That lol you gave us is something to hang on to.

I caught that, too! ESD, you are NOT dead yet. You ARE still here. Hello there, fellow betrayed! I'm still here, too. Getting through the pain! Recovering from the fact that my ENTIRE MARRIAGE was a lie! 12 years of marriage, and 4 years off dating/engagement, and 2 years of bullshit R. All bullshit. I FEEL you. I really do! We all do!! This fucking SUCKS! You know what I'm gonna do? Go to bed (thanks melatonin!) And wake up tomorrow, and keep recovering. WH can go to hell with his bad self, but dang it, I'm gonna do a workout, finish my blasted financial affidavit, meet with my attorney, and keep the D train moving ahead. I'm all about me.

YOU, be all about you. And your girls. F**k WW. She can't touch you. You get yourself well anyway you can. Out of town like another poster said if need be. You WILL come out the other side of this. You WILL.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:45 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

rambler posted 5/22/2018 21:58 PM

Alive you are irreplaceable. Let's keep moving forward one day at a time.

We can do this. Feel free to reach out.

IceThee posted 5/22/2018 22:25 PM

ESD! So good to hear from you - ever time you post I jump for joy (figuratively ) !! I grew up in a small town for part of my youth. And I’ve also been in the “spotlight” for much of my life... and I get the whole “people are all up in everyone’s business” and so on... hear me- I get it...!! And I’m gonna say what many have told me, and I now tell myself: it doesn’t matter what “they” think...

It doesn’t matter what “they” think.

Go. Get help. You have loads of people that love and care for you, and plus all of us that legitimately care and love you too!! THAT is who matters... “haters gonna hate” and seriously I say forget about them.... but YOU matter...

And yeah I get it, not feeling alive. And the darkness— been there done that friend... you WILL get thru this... if I could say it to your face I would... please let these words resonate. You are precious and valuable. And so are your kiddos... I still need my DAD and I’m an adult!!


heartbroken_kk posted 5/23/2018 00:37 AM

Hi ESD, I want you to know that even though I don't know you, I care and I've been thinking about you a lot. You've been on my mind all day. I hope today was an OK day and you are coming back soon to post. You will get through this. Sending you hugs. ((((ESD))))

Emptyshelldad posted 5/25/2018 00:03 AM

Having another tough night guys. The thought that my kids would blame themselves helps keep me going. And to take the noose off. Its still a struggle, I'm not gonna lie. I'm still not sure ill survive this one. The second time is so much more painful because I.let myself fall again, fully, blindly, trusting in a way I never thought possible again after first WW did me wrong. I'm just so dead inside guys. I don't wanna be.... But I don't feel anything.... Except .... Very rare times when her and I fall together as US again. I've got to pump up my life insurance just in case I don't make it. At least they won't be poor.

Coreofsteel posted 5/25/2018 00:08 AM

ESD, stay with us. I'm here and I'm listening.

IceThee posted 5/25/2018 01:12 AM

We're here with you ESD ... sending a hug... keep posting pls

Booyah posted 5/25/2018 04:47 AM

ESD so this woman betrayed you and I understand you're torn up by it but she's the one who is at fault. I know you've been through this before and thus why you're beating yourself up but my friend allowing yourself to love someone (even if it's led to this) isn't a reason to kill yourself.

Look at the end of the day, two fantastic blessings came out of you and her being together.........your BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS. You can't tell me they're a mistake.

ESD we can go around and around about all of the pain and thoughts running through your head BUT the most important thing for you (and those two daughters) is for you to take action to get yourself help right now.

You went to a Dr in your town and you were NOT straight with him on what's going on and what you're contemplating. This he gave you medication for your anxiety which has MAJOR side effects of suicidal thoughts (not good for someone who's already experiencing this).

You've explained you don't want anyone in your town to know for fear it could hurt you down the line. Well if your dead the only people who will be hurt are your two babies.

So if you're not willing to get help locally please talk to us why you won't drive yourself to another town that's far enough way?

Why won't you speak to one person who can help you? A Dr who's trained to deal with this?

You're not thinking clearly right now my friend and there is help out there.

You just need to be straight with someone. Explain what's going on to a Dr.
You're upset that your wife wasn't straight with you but right now you are NOT being straight with yourself.

Quit debating this.
Find a town that you feel comfortable with and then pack a bag and get in your car and drive yourself there.
You have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain.

Keep telling yourself as you're driving to that town that you're doing this for your daughters.
Get a picture of them and keep it with you so you can keep looking at it as a reminder of what you're doing.

All the people here at SI can try to encourage you and pray for you and say how happy we are when you post however at the end of the day you need more than this. You need a Dr who can help you.

Please look at ohforanewme thread and how a Dr saved him.

It doesn't have to be this way ESD.

Praying that you take action and get yourself to a place where you'll confide in a Dr of everything that's going on with you (the suicidal thoughts) and that you'll allow them to help you.

Quit trying to analyze it and just go get help!!!!

Phoenix1 posted 5/25/2018 07:41 AM

I haven't posted previously as I have been very triggered by this thread, but I feel compelled to share from a different perspective.

Do you still have living parents?

Why do I ask? Because my dear son put a bullet to his temple four years ago while serving in the military and, as a parent, my life was changed irrevocably. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it and what I could have done to change the outcome. The darkness consumed him, all while he was presenting a happy face for those around him. I would have walked through the fires of hell to help him, as would his friends, sisters, and command staff, had he just reached out. His method of choice means nothing to me. It was the forever final outcome that has scarred my life permanently. Seeing and hugging his body in a black body bag is an experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. Bullet, noose. Made no difference. He was still in that body bag, layed on the ground at my feet.

There is help all around you, but you've got to reach out. The devastation you will leave behind will make the infidelity pale in comparison. At least that is what happened to me. Please reach out for help. Don't permanently damage the lives of others because of what is truly a temporary situation. Sure, infidelity is a crappy situation and highly painful. We've all been there. But it is also temporary in the whole scheme of things. There IS light and life on the other side. There is no light or life on the other side of suicide. Only permanent darkness for you, and a permenent dark cloud hanging over the heads of those you leave behind. It simply is not the answer.

Please reach out to someone around you - your doctor, a pastor, go to a neighboring community. Take the step to help yourself. Your kids will be forever grateful, even if they never know how close they have come to losing you. Don't deprive those babies of future memories with you in their lives.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 7:55 AM, May 25th (Friday)]

RisingFromTheAshes posted 5/25/2018 11:28 AM


So glad to see you posted an update and that you're still around. Been lurking on your post since the beginning. I understand the feeling of being empty and hopeless. I was there too my friend. And I assure you, you can make it through this. It might be a long, slow process, but it does get better.

Echoing what others have said, please please please talk to your doctor or another doctor in a different town. And be honest. It is the only way to get the help you desperately need.

In the future, when your daughters have grown, they will be so proud of their father, his bravery in seeking help, and his strength in overcoming his burdens. They will be grateful to have you at their graduations, walking them down the aisle, and holding your grandchildren. Think of all the amazing moments you have to look forward to.

Think of how much you would miss out on so much by ending your life. How much your children would miss out on. Your children would be devastated and embarrassed. They would have their father setting an example of opting out rather than pushing on and overcoming.

Sending you strength to get through this. Please keep updating as much as you can.

[Oh, and for what it's worth, most life insurance policies have suicide clauses precluding or limiting a payout when the policy holder dies by suicide...]

k94ever posted 5/25/2018 11:32 AM

ESD you are important to us. Don't leave us.



TimelessLoss posted 5/25/2018 13:20 PM


Your wife betrays you. She betrays you twice. She does wrong. Yet the consequences of her actions fall ultimately to your children if you follow through with your plan.

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