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Back again, this time I won't survive it.

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Lalagirl posted 5/14/2018 11:10 AM

Hello ESD....

I will send a message to the sheriff up here (I have his cell) as to where to come find my body. So a gun is out.

This is what my son-in-law's father did in 2012 - leaving behind two sons - one with bipolar, the other with ADHD, and a brand new baby granddaughter. The only difference is, he did use a gun. He just didn't want people looking for his body forever. So he called the sheriff and just did it, leaving behind a note and a video.

His mother before him committed suicide in the same manner at a family reunion in the middle of the woods.

My son-in-law - SIX YEARS later, is still in therapy and still deals with so many "what ifs" and guilt, shame, despair...even my DGD, who does not remember her grandfather, asks about him, talks about him, and says she wishes she got to meet him.

Please...please...get into a hospital. Ativan/Xanax are not the answer to what you're going through now. You need to be closely monitored and given meds/therapy to help you through this...there IS help.

That's all I have to say. I know many are sharing stories on the devastation this causes family and it's not because we don't care about you and your life - we DO...but once you're gone, you're gone...and the collateral damage goes to your loved ones...gently as I can, ESD; that's not fair.

Sending strength & hugs...


brokendreamer posted 5/14/2018 11:24 AM


I am surprised at two things, firstly that your GP would prescibe Lorazepam in your case as it is a simply a short term solution to insomnia and anxiety. Secondly that if you told your GP about your suicidal intentions and the extent you are going to to research different methods, then why did he/she not suggest inpatient treatment. I would seek a second opinion from a psychiatrist, you need proper investigation and help to get through this.

You say a lot has happened, could you share what has been happening, is your partner aware of how you are still feeling? Are any family members or friends aware? anyone you could lean on for support right now?

Have you any friends that you could spend some time with, doing things you enjoy, camping or fishing or whatever you like doing?

Are you still in your home with ex? if so what is the current situation between you both?

Could you possibly update us please, so we can try to support you further.

NOBODY is worth your life and especially a cheater. There is very likely a good woman out there who would love to meet a kind man such as yourself. Don't close the door on life before you at least open it and look through to the other side and the opportunities that await you.

People here advised me to take baby steps when i was at my worst a few weeks ago, to do one small thing each day to help myself. I am a couple of months in now and although I am far from recovering yet, I am also far from what I was back then.

Just one other thought, from what you have said, I assume you live in a remote kind of area and have obtained good skills, using guns, learning to tie knots even. How about trying to use those skills in a positive way to help someone in your community, maybe someone elderly could use a hand fixing their home or land and would very much appreciate your help.

It would keep you busy, you'd meet new people and be a great help to someone, which in turn would help you to feel good.

You are doing ok, just small steps now to get through these initial stages of shock and terrible pain. But you have come this far, keep going, you can do this.

Hugs from across the pond

Wool94 posted 5/14/2018 16:29 PM

Praying for you ESD. Please check into a hospital.

IceThee posted 5/15/2018 02:18 AM

Was just thinking of you this evening ESD :) So it's good to see your message.

annb posted 5/15/2018 05:27 AM

Hi, ESD, thank you for checking back in.

When those dark thoughts consume you, hold a picture of your daughters in front of you and look at those precious girls who need a father.

You are not weak, you are strong, you got through this once, you will get through it again.

Please meet with your doctor if you are experiencing any side effects of the medication. There are so many alternatives out there. Check in with him regularly and tell him what you are feeling. Honestly, the best thing you can do for yourself AND your children is to check yourself into a hospital for an evaluation. I know a member here who did just that when she thought she could not go on any longer and the relief she felt after just a few days in the hospital was remarkable.

Stay the course, you've got this. One day at a time.

ZenMumWalking posted 5/15/2018 09:13 AM

Emptyshelldad - look out of your window. What do you see? Trees, or houses, or animals, or fields, or flowers, or machines, or ????

Now close the curtain. You can't see those things anymore. BUT THEY ARE STILL THERE.

That is where you are right now, behind the curtain. Your brain is tricking you into thinking that there is nothing on the other side of the dark curtain. But that is not true.

Please see a psychiatrist. This is a medical doctor (unlike a psychologist) who is trained in dealing with this kind of brain issue. The kind where your brain chemistry needs to be fixed so that you can see on the other side of the curtain.

There IS something on the other side. Something beyond the pain you are suffering now. I know how desperately you want to end your suffering.

What we are all trying to show you is that there is a much more effective way to end both your suffering and the suffering that your precious children will undergo if you carry out your suicide plan. If you kill yourself, you will be in pain for the rest of your life, and so will your children and when they are bigger they might well kill themselves too.

What would you say to your child who wanted to commit suicide? I am sure that you would do everything in your power to get them help.

Take the help that is being offered here. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist. Tell them exactly what you have told us here. Not that you are unhappy, but that you are PLANNING SUICIDE, and that you have a specific plan as well as the means. Tell them that you have been preparing, including practicing. They cannot help you without all of this important information.

I agree with the others that lorazepam is not likely to be sufficient for your condition. A psychiatrist will be able to prescribe you the most appropriate medication to help your brain chemistry get back to normal. So that you can see on the other side of the curtain.

Keep reading these posts. Keep posting your updates. Do not leave us. Do not leave your children.


WhoTheBleep posted 5/15/2018 09:24 AM

Stay with us, ESD. Stay here.

An abandoned house, found by the sheriff?? That's the legacy you plan to leave behind after living a life of integrity? NO NO NO. You are BETTER than that.

Your daughter's deserve more than that. Do not let WW and her scumbag cheating WIN.

Allow yourself to heal from this. And you WILL. Leave her in the dust. Live your life. F her. In a few years you won't even recognize yourself. You'll look back with relief and say, "Whew, that was close!"

You deserve healing and happiness.

Stay here with us!! We all know your pain and we are still here. Hold on to us.

harrybrown posted 5/15/2018 14:26 PM


I hope you will think about your kids.

my cousin was either murdered or committed suicide this month. Police are trying to determine.

He was 5 years younger than me. He raised his daughter by himself without any help from anyone.

Now his daughter is so very upset and I can understand why. the only parent she had is gone.

Please think about your kids.

Takotsubo posted 5/15/2018 20:32 PM


I haven't posted in a while, mostly lurked but I wanted to tell you my story. My father committed suicide when I was 10 years old. His reasons were different than yours but the result would likely be the same.

He wasn't there when I graduated high school.

He wasn't there to walk me down the aisle. (my mother's 5th! husband did)

He wasn't there for my med school graduation and later he was not there for the birth of my three children.

So many times he wasn't there and I just ached for his presence. So many times I stood still and felt the emptiness he left behind. So many times I needed him and I had to just muddle along wondering what it felt like to have a father to guide me.

When I gave birth to my third child (WH had been cheating on since I was 6 months pregnant) I fell into the deepest depression I have ever known. I drove my car down to a train stop and watched them pass by. I knew all I had to do was time it just right and walk in front of one the trains and the pain would end. But it would not end for my children. I knew, more than most, the thoughts that would cross through their minds. Thoughts like, "Why wasn't I enough to live for? Why did mom abandon me? Can I not be loved?" The pettiest and most primitive part of me was also afraid the OW would become their "mom" and in effect, win.

So I turned around and numbly drove home. For months my mind returned to the train station but my car never did. I continued to just draw one breath after another, sometimes that's all I could manage. My very skin hurt sometimes. Then I decided to practice the 180 for me and slowly but surely I started to get little glimpses of happiness. I started to remember all the important things about myself before WH came into my life. I finally let go of him and we are in the process of divorcing. I realized I almost let my codependency rob my children of their mother. I had to stop wallowing in my pain and DO something about it. So I reached out to come close family and friends and asked for help. When my mind began to spiral I would call them and just spew. They were very patient.

In about 1 month (or thereabouts) I will be divorced and I have found that I will be just fine. I have laid to rest the dream of raising my children with my WH and growing old together. But I will grow old. I will watch the miracle that are my children. I will continue to rise up and show them I am steal wrapped in velvet.

I took Remeron for sleep (takes nightmares away, repairs broken sleep and is an antidepressant.) Sleep was so necessary to heal. Please find a way to live. Please make a way for your children to be enough. They deserve the absolute best. They deserve you.

LtCdrLost posted 5/15/2018 21:35 PM

ESD, don't do it. If you'll just stay around, things will get better.

rambler posted 5/15/2018 22:54 PM


Why don't you give us a little more time. Check in. We can all get through this together.

Emptyshelldad posted 5/16/2018 00:14 AM

I fight every night.... Every night to make it through this. All of your replies make me feel so much less alone. I'm just fuckin up everything in my life. I can't be the man she needs me to be, I can't be the father my children deserve. I'm just spiraling out of control into ever enveloping darkness. But I hold onto the small light of hope....And each of your replies is that light. Thank you friends. And please, don't think low of me if I don't make it.

MrMagnolia posted 5/16/2018 00:24 AM


We hear you. Come back every night and you'll find us. We're still here because we don't want you to leave us. I'm sorry you are having these feelings of hopelessness and I want you to know how strong it is of you to reach out for help. Most can't do it. I couldn't do it for a long time. It may not feel that way to you right now, but I know that if you keep coming back you'll be able to see it too someday.

heartbroken_kk posted 5/16/2018 00:35 AM

Hi Emptyshelldad, good to hear from you, it's such a relief you are still fighting, that is great news. I'm sure it is exhausting trying to hang on, but guess what. You've been hanging on. You have!

I was very suicidal when I was dealing with the multiple affairs and trickery from my WH, I was really losing my mind. It hurt so much.

I kept saying "I can't take this any more it hurts so much" and what people kept telling me is that my thoughts, that it hurts so much I can't take it, are just faulty. And that it's easy to prove that my thoughts are faulty. Because I HAVE BEEN TAKING IT. I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HANDLE THE PAIN. It means I'm so much stronger than I give myself credit for. You are too. You are actually very strong, and your ability to persist here is proof.

Think about that when you think about how you are trying to escape the pain and misery, that inside of you there is a strength and a durability that is actually really incredible. You've been persisting, because of that strength. You've kept on. So keep on going.

Reflect on the fact that although you think you can't take it, you actually can. You've made it this far -- you can make it another day. Every day you make it is another day in the rear view mirror and one step forward to a happier future.

So hang on for tomorrow. Do one thing tomorrow that will help you. Make a call to find a psychiatrist. My psychiatrist saved my life, oh yes he really did. He helped find the medication I needed to crawl out of the pit, he helped me get my thinking straight, and he helped me with some very simple strategies so I didn't actually act out my plans. This is what they do. Some doctor near you is hoping you will come in for help.

I really didn't think I'd make it. I really wanted the pain to end. And the amazing thing is that the pain did end. It's gone. And I'm still here. And now, I'm pretty damn happy. You can be happy again too. I promise.

Lalagirl posted 5/16/2018 07:08 AM

I fight every night

I know, dear man, I know.

You don't have to fight alone. Please go to the hospital. You have us, and we'll be here for you, but you need more help. Despair is's the devil...making you think you're not good enough. Don't let that monster win...there is MORE light in addition to the light you've described receiving here...go grab it. Don't be ashamed to go to the hospital - I know three people who have done this and have been helped tremendously and have their lives back and are so glad they got help.

Huge hugs...

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 7:10 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 5/16/2018 08:15 AM

I can't be the man she needs me to be.

Then quit the job of being her husband! Do NOT quit LIFE!!

Your statement is exactly what my brain screamed at me the day I left my husband. "I don't make him happy. I've been jumping through hoops for years, trying to be perfect for him, and he still cheated, and is verbally abusive."

Something just clicked in my mind, and I said to myself, "I quit! I'm leaving him."

Last week, he called me a quitter. I said, "Yes I am." And then I drove away smiling.

Quit HER. Don't quit LIVING. You do NOT NEED her. You can do this! Heal. Live well. Check in with us!! (((ESD)))

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:35 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)]

Coreofsteel posted 5/16/2018 12:57 PM

I wish you strength and peace. One day at a time.

Booyah posted 5/16/2018 15:40 PM

ESD great to hear from you my friend!!!!!

You said previously that there's been numerous men with your WW. If that's the case of course you "can't be the man she needs you to be" and nor should you want to!!

You can however be the man that your kids need you to be. It's ok to take a time out of being dad right now and to go get the help you need. When people are hurting that's what they do....they go to a Dr. Whether it be for a broken hand, your heart, depression, WHATEVER is ailing you there is help.

ESD you just have to be willing to ask for the help. To let someone know you're in a bad place and to let them find you someone who can help you.

Take care of you first (by getting the help you need) then you can start being the man your kids will need you to be once you're thinking clearly.

There is NOTHING to be ashamed of asking for help and to let a Dr know the thoughts that are racing through your mind right now.

ESD, you've already gone to a Dr once for your anxiety. Why not pick up the phone and make a call for help? You have EVERYTHING to gain by doing so.

At the end of the day being there for your two girls should be all the motivation you need to get help. Do you have a friend you can confide in (or a family member) that could help get you to the right Dr?

ESD you also need to remind yourself that you've gotten through this EXACT situation before (WW cheating on you) and YOU GOT THROUGH IT SO YOU SHOULD HAVE ALL THE FAITH IN THE WORLD THAT YOU CAN (AND WILL) DO IT AGAIN!!!

Pick up the phone and call the suicide help line and ask them to help you find the right Dr who can help you.

ESD YOU ARE WORTH IT and those two beautiful little girls are worth it as well. They NEED you!!

It won't always be like this (in so much pain).
You just have to be courageous enough to pick up the phone and make the call.

You can do it my friend!!!!

StillStanding1 posted 5/16/2018 15:47 PM

Thinking of you, ESD. One day, one breath at a time. Please check yourself in for inpatient treatment. You can be helped. You just have to set that wheel in motion. You are looking to take action to stop the pain. Instead of ending your life, take a step in the opposite direction and take a step toward healing. You get to decide which step you take. Make it a positive one. Move toward help. Move toward healing. We can only try to persuade you, but you need to take that action. Make the call. Choose to move out of the pain with help and support. You are worth it. Your daughters are worth it. (((ESD)))

ZenMumWalking posted 5/16/2018 16:31 PM

ESD - please keep checking in here, even just a few words every day if you can.

You are in an intense period of need right now. Keep reaching out, and we will be there for you. Let us be there for you.


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