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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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WhyAgainWhyHer posted 7/26/2018 14:59 PM

Yes, I did mean from here.

We aren't married, and no kids. I spoke to 2 different attorneys, and I am screwed. He's the moneymaker and owed me nothing once we split.

I'm letting on that I know, and I haven't been able to get back on his phone since that one day. But I know its coming. I;m trying to put some money aside without him noticing.

I look around my house and I imagine her in my kitchen, on my beautiful deck, and everywhere else. I wonder how we ended up here.

Lavender0916 posted 8/2/2018 20:52 PM

I think Baird mentioned this but wondering if any one else experienced their xWH moving out and being and waking up to be an adult?

If I hear from that asshat he has no money I am going to scream!! He bitches and moans he owns half the house so comes and goes as he pleases. Has not contributed to any of the expenses, including all the kids. Had only had 3 actual "visitation" days and recently gone (who knows where) for 6 days with no phone calls to his youngest daughter. Tells the kids he is "working" all the time. Ahh-huh....working all the time but no paycheck or money, not paying one fucking bill, but no money. Can travel to San Antonio, Denver, and St Louis but money...

California divorces suck. But I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My attorney reassures me. My STBX is a pathetic loser. Like all of you. I did not see it then. See it now. He has 2 OW!! Wonder what he tells each of them. Hahaha

BWhore#1- original AP, he left for her pretty much the months of nov-feb. Met BW#2 at the bar he works, she is on Broadway in the ensemble. He travels to see her. Bw1 has no kids, bartender herself and tattooed, pierced, never in any real relationships but my WH. What really sucks is he helps her mother "all" the time. Disregards our family and helps bw#1 with her dying mother. Now both my parents were diagnosed with cancer in 2013. Mom died in late 2014, my dad in early 2016. He did not help at all and only complained he was left with the kids while I was away and actually paid for a sitter to be with them until he got home at midnight or later. It sickens me that my Dads death still very new and I find out about BW#1. Talk about shock. I refuse to try and understand how "these" shit for brains (and hearts) can take care of another family while leaving own family in the dust. The Asshat still wonders why our oldest DD won't talk to him.

Going back to phrases that keep you going. My mantra is, not my monkey, not my circus.


Codependent888 posted 8/15/2018 11:48 AM

Im surprised at how little traffic this thread gets. Does this mean most WS end up staying with BS?

nothisfriend posted 8/15/2018 12:24 PM

I don't generally post in this forum, usually D/S. My WXH recently (in May) married the OW. It was 5 days after what would have been our 30th anniversary. Not that I would ever want him back but it was a rough time for me.

When I hear about people who are trying to R or suffered from false R I don't know if I am happy or sad that my X never once asked to come home. He continued to lie that there was an A, but he didn't want to move back home.

Lavender0916 posted 8/29/2018 18:11 PM

Hi NotThisFriend,
IMHO, I know how bad false recovery was...every time I would find out about AP, he would pledge his undying love, lie, and continue his BullShit. Wash rinse repeat. Everytime my heart ached worse and worse until I had enough. He was too much of a coward to admit he wanted out. Til this day would never admit to the affairs. , with proof in his face. It was 2 yrs of hell. On the same token, with your situation it's out of the blue, no rhyme or reason. The hurt is just as bad. Hopefully you are getting help that none of it is your fault and still have fabulous years ahead of you. A book I read to help with that is Midlife Cabernet by Elaine Ambrose. Everyone needs a little chuckle in this shitstorm we have endured.

My struggle currently is the kids being introduced to these women who flaunt being with a married man, and it's a ego points if they divorce to be with that slut.

AbandonedGuy posted 10/9/2018 18:43 PM

Adding my two cents. My wife opted to leave for the coworker she's been seeing. She didn't even attempt to save the marriage. She acted like she was thinking about it, but only for a week, and only to get her legal matters situated. She's been checked out for a while, it seems.

How do these people switch it off so easily? I understand that they've worn down their love for us over months, but how did they become such great actors all of a sudden? My wife was an expert at keeping up appearances. I keep feeling like I actually did catch this at an early stage ("It hasn't been that long," says my wife), but the way she left the marriage so swiftly, the fact that her girlfriend who was covering for her affair met my wife and this guy for coffee the morning I caught them...it all points to something that's been going on for a while. Wherever the AP fits into this, she had to have been faking her happiness at home for a while.

How can you get up every day and just deceive someone who very openly loves you? Do these spouses even feel like they're taking advantage of us? Does the thought cross their minds that they're doing something reprehensible, selfish, cowardly? It just baffles me.

Plate628 posted 10/10/2018 12:16 PM

I have had one client that had his wife leave him for another man. Similar situation to several posters here; she was gone for a few months until the AP hoofed her out for some other squeeze. She comes crawling back, says she is so sorry, never meant to cause him pain, had a mental lapse. He was her true one and only. Two years later, she leaves for a coworker. She stays out for six months. As with the previous affair, this guy also hoofs her out. So, she darkens her BH's door once more. She knocks, and is met by a young woman. She asks if her BH still lives there. The woman responds, "My fiance, why of course he lives here, with his children by his ex whore. The WW identifies herself, and the young woman goes,"Oh, you're the whore. I expected someone much better looking. Really? Oh, here is something for you...consider yourself served." It was a divorce filing. Her plan B, found a plan A. Her final statement: "Guess he didn't want to wait around until I got my head screwed on straight." Very few truer words have not been spoken. Not only did she lose a marriage, we were able to successfully demonstrate in court that each time she left, she literally had nothing to do with her children (any cat can make a kitten). Our filing asked for full custody, with supervised visitation (both of the guys she left her husband for, were ex-cons, and heavily into drugs. No court would let kids near her.)

[This message edited by Plate628 at 12:24 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 10/10/2018 14:22 PM

My xWLTGF dumped me for her AP. It was rough. There was a period of several weeks when we were trying to decide which of the two of us would move out. There were a couple of occasions when I came home to find her canoodling with her new man in our shared living room. A very dark time for me.

behindbars posted 11/1/2018 10:19 AM

My WW recently left me for her AP, just curious if anyone has had a WW regret leaving and try to reconcile, If so, did you and what were their reasons for trying to come back ?

survrus posted 11/1/2018 12:03 PM

The one advantage of having your spouse leave for the OP is that WS gets to find out what life with the OP is really like.

They also don't pine for the OP for years, often without our knowing of their dormant love and hidden contempt for us.

So we try to fix our marriages, as I did with love and care, but it's the wrong tool for the job.

cancuncrushed posted 11/2/2018 10:07 AM

I am of this club...unfortuneately, I am of many clubs...this is the latest...

Wh had A 10 years ago...he refused to acknowledge, no remorse, we never recovered....the continued fighting furthered his alcoholism, and more cheating...He enjoyed punishing me with OW...

Why didn't I leave? it was the plan...waited for last child to graduate...and in the meantime, WH alcoholism turned into brain damage...if he was unagreeable before, multiply that by 100...I spent 4 years finding specialists, neurologists, etc...He was in pretty bad shape...I felt wrong in abandoning the marriage...

at the end of 4 years...he was much improved...seizures under control...and very much like himself....he decided to relapse, and found a new girlfriend...he spent 10 months preparing for his exit...hiding money, talking to lawyers, devious other tasks, while I continued to attend dr. appts. and work events with him...for emotional support..

After 35 years of marriage, he left in less then 10 seconds...just walked past me and mentioned he was divorcing me...and he left..

I was in intensive care visiting, my sick grandchild, much of the time before this...He was living with OW, when I was away...she came to my home...I found the clues....

Our marriage never recovered from the A 10 years earlier...it became a wait and health issue...I am in shock...I am in a lot of pain...I stood by him after an A, then thru his alcoholic health issues...to be dumped in 10 seconds...The cruelty of that day, and the things he has done thru this, is mind blowing....We had fights...the first A was never healed.. I was still shocked at how low he would go...

I know this is addiction in control...I know this is mental illness in control.....I know he is not capable of being sane...but hes is alive...he stands infront of me and I cant believe he can be like this...what has he done? to himself? to me? to our life? its mindblowing...I do ok most days...of late, I have total melt downs...the overwhelming scope, the size of what he has destroyed is mindblowing...I know its not me...but its happening to me against my will...there are still hurdles...there is still sadness...and pity...and pain...I have been cheated on before...It took me about 8 years to recover..because it continued...the lies..the TT's...I hope it doesn't take as long...you wouldn't think so...but the pain is different...WH is with his OW...they are having lots of fun..traveling...drinking...being together...it hurts....I know it will be years and years...for me to heal...Ive seen it before.

As for him...the drinking will get to that place of not functioning...the brain damage will grow...relationships born of A, and alcohol never last...he will destroy himself...I wonder who will help him...I don't want it to fall on our kids..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:17 AM, November 2nd (Friday)]

Istayed posted 11/25/2018 16:30 PM

I belong here too. My WH confessed to an A and walked out to be with the OW the same day. He filed for divorce less than a week later and is now referring to the OW as his fiancť. Iím they plan to marry as soon as the divorce is final. Iím doing better but still struggling. I told everyone and his reputation is dirt. Iím accepting that heís not the man I thought he was and that my marriage is over-35 years meant nothing to him. I want him to hurt. Iíve been in hell and he seems so happy. I have to live through our anniversary and Christmas knowing heís with her. Our D will be final by January and as we donít have kids Iíll never see him again. Iím a survivor of 2 brain tumors and this is the darkest time of my life.

Istayed posted 11/25/2018 16:56 PM

StillLiving- I love your tag line. I just taped it to my mirror.

Istayed posted 11/25/2018 16:58 PM

AbandonedGuy,
You articulated my feelings exactly. How do they just walk away?

Nowandthen posted 11/25/2018 18:54 PM

Wow, this seems tough, doesnít it, and 35 years is a long marriage. ((((Hugs)))) Iím not sure how long your husbandís affair has been going on, but donít forget heís had plenty of time to think about leaving you, while youíre still reeling from the shock of discovering his infidelity. It hurts and will carry on hurting for some time, I guess.

Maybe he really will be happy when heís married to her, but she is definitely getting your second-hand goods!

You should make a list of all his annoying habits - farting in bed, those lame jokes, the way he chews with his mouth open - whatever! - and remember SHE is having to put up with them now 😏

CatsEye posted 12/5/2018 16:38 PM

AbandonedGuy:

No, they don't think about what they did to us. Cheating is essentially a selfish act. Don't expect a cheater to think about anything other than what he or she wants and how to get it.

CatsEye posted 12/5/2018 16:48 PM

Do you feel that it's another shit sandwich the BS spouse must choke down. Do you feel family and friends are clueless as to what being abandoned and replaced after a lifetime really does to the BS?

Yes, and of course family and friends are clueless. No one can understand what something like this does to a person without going through it.

[This message edited by CatsEye at 4:50 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

CatsEye posted 12/5/2018 17:49 PM

I still have hopes that Karma will slap down all the people who betrayed me. If Karma ever does, that will be a whole lot of slapping. Karma will have a very sore hand for a long time.

I don't get the haste some walk-aways have to get married again. Like, clearly they didn't even respect the institution of marriage since they had no regard for it during their affair. So why on earth would they feel the need to go rushing headlong into another legally binding scenario??!?

To BeanLaidir:
Exactly! If my STBXH marries his current mistress, she will be wife number 4 for him and he will be husband number 3 or 4 for her. But of course I'm sure it hasn't occurred to either of them that their habitual deception, betrayal, cheating, and selfishness could possibly have anything to do with why they can't keep a marriage together.

And think about this....he had to somehow "legitimize" the whole affair to himself and everyone else. I mean, he blew up his entire life - if it wasn't because this woman was the most perfect skittle-farting unicorn in the herd, then that would make him...well...a total douchebag right?

To Chili:
Yup! It's hard to justify breaking up a thirty year marriage after years of cheating with a cheap trashy tart you didn't care enough about to marry once you were free to do so.

I think that such a rushed "marriage" and "wedding" is little more than just a quick rush to deputize a criminal or put a kind of self-instituted "governor's pardon" on a socially condemned act and pair of convicted liar/thieves who abandon their families and sanity just to pay for their little timeshare condo on Fantasy Island.

To Cephastion:
I agree wholeheartedly.

Cephastion posted 12/5/2018 18:19 PM

To Cephastion:
I agree wholeheartedly

Yeah... If only we still had whole hearts to agree on something with...

AbandonedGuy posted 12/7/2018 19:19 PM

I feel so pathetic too sometimes whenever I start to think to myself, "I just want her to be happy." I'm only thinking that because I miraculously and relatively quickly managed to pull my life up out of the mile deep hole in the ground she left me in (and that I let myself get into to some degree). If I was still in an uncertain financial state, I'd probably still be cussing her out every day. Other than the lack of physical intimacy, as well as the daily loneliness that I feel in my empty apartment in a city where I know no one else yet, I've managed to improve my life in every other area, plus I have a new lease on life and I'm really trying hard to stay on the right track.

And because of that, there's no bitterness anymore and whatever stupid tether my emotions still have to this woman, 14 weeks after I caught her affair, are causing me to feel things like "I hope she's doing well" and "I hope she finds peace in her new life". I want to text her these things sometimes--and it's been 8 weeks since I had ANY contact with her whatsoever. But then I remember what this woman did to me. How she treated me, not just at the end, but all throughout. I remember that the implied ending of those sentences is "with this other man", as in, "I just want her to be happy...with this other man." And it upsets me how I can still feel this way about her. I'm familiar with those intense "love/hate" feelings you get in the beginning of the process, and this feels like a very subdued version of that.

My brain justifies texting her with "give yourself closure so you don't have to ever think about her anymore" or "be the bigger person" or even the chestnut "you know, it's just really shitty to cut someone out of your life so decisively and thoroughly" (as if she didn't do that exact same thing to me). Of course, the other part of my brain thinks I'd be doing it to rub it in her face that I'm just fine without her (thriving, actually) or even to keep some connection to her because deep, deep, deep deep down inside, I'm still clinging to some piece of the woman I thought she was (and who she so obviously IS NOT). Whatever it is, I know it's not worth my time to reach back out to her, and I will continue to avoid doing so.

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