I'm glad this thread is finally getting some attention!
It has seemed so dead lately that I've avoided posting here as I felt like it wouldn't really get any feedback.
The Infidelity Club is the worst club no one ever wished to join, but the Abandoned by an Exit Affair crowd is the red headed step child of that already shitty club. Then add to it that I'm one of the very, very few women whose spouse had an exit A. Makes me feel like there is something especially wrong with me that I attracted, and then loved so deeply, such a fucked up individual.
When they up and quit, it's such a mindfuck and a shock.
Been trying my best to see it as a blessing in disguise that I wasn't put through years of false R. And we were trying to get pregnant at the time, so also incredibly grateful that I didn't end up having a child with such a disordered person. We were actually in the 2 week wait at the time of DDay, so I went through a harrowing week where I thought I might be. Finding out I wasn't was at the same time utterly disappointing, and remarkably freeing. I can be grateful for those things, sure. But damn if it isn't a complete and total mindfuck that the person you have dedicated so much of your life to, truly went through the better and the worse together, and then BAM it's like you're just not worth the trouble anymore.
I made the mistake of attempting to ask him why several times right after DDay... I said, "I just don't understand, we've been partners for 7 years, how can you just cut me out of your life and act like our partnership doesn't matter?" His only response was "Of course you don't understand, you just don't listen." I swear it was like I was listening to a broken record, he wouldn't say anything but that, or "All you ever did was tell me what I did wrong." Of and of course the cheater's mantra "I never had sex with her!"
I haven't spoken to him in over 6 months, though he intermittently sends nasty texts... He still wants to use me as an emotional punching bag, and gets even more frustrated that I won't respond, which cues up even more nastiness. Most recently he was asking for our AGI from last year's taxes... something he could have easily looked up himself... but he was too focused on trying to make me respond to him, because, you know, HE was wronged in this whole situation, to take the 30 seconds to google "How to find out your AGI if you don't have access to your previous year's tax return." He threatened that he would file his taxes with my name on them if I didn't respond, told me not to come to DsD's track meet "or else" etc.
His last text to me was "This is why I left you. You can't budge, not even a little. Everything has to be your way."
Ummm, unless I'm mistaken, you fired me from the job of being your wife. That means helping you is not my fucking responsibility. And trust me, if I had "my way," I wouldn't have PTSD from my "life" partner all of a sudden deciding that he wanted to change that title to "only while it was convenient for me."
the memories of what I thought we had haunt me.
^^ This. I have an incredibly good visual memory, so I can literally see all of it. My nights alternate between two nightmares. First his crazy, vacant eyes on DDay, literally just a vision of him screaming at me with completely dead eyes. From those, I wake up in a sweat. Second are the memories of all of the good times, or more often, a vision as if we are still together, just spending time with each other and DstepDs. I then wake up thinking that everything is fine, and it takes about 10-15 seconds for me to realize that I'm actually living in a new reality.
Mine initiated a separation before I ever caught her. Real sly one.
WTF is up with this? Mine did that too. I know it's the ultimate form of avoidance. They know that an A is bad, so they attempt to make it look like an A never happened by initiating separation before you can put all of the pieces together, but seriously WTF? My dumbass caught them at the beach together, then believe his bullshit lie that she was "possibly his daughter coming to find out if he is her dad." I believed that lie for 2 weeks until I caught them in bed together, during which time he just kept reiterating that separating is "the right thing to do" because "he just doesn't want kids anymore." Then when I caught them in OUR bed together he screamed at me to get out of "his" room and said"I've been telling you for 6 months I don't want to be with you, I'm starting to get really concerned that there is something mentally wrong with you because you just aren't getting it."
Meanwhile we had literally been trying to get pregnant that whole time, had celebrated our anniversary, he had bought me two Best Wife Ever t-shirts "just because," and I have dozens of texts from him proclaiming his love, talking about how excited he is to expand our family, how great we are together and how well we complement each other. How even when we disagree we balance each other out. Now I look back and feel he was saying and doing all of those things to try to convince himself, because he didn't actually believe any of them.
Before we got married he used to ask me all the time, "Are you sure you can handle me for the rest of your life? Are you sure I'm not too much for you?" To which I would reply, "Yes, of course I'm sure." And he would reply, jokingly, "Good, because once we're married, you're stuck with me! You'll never be able to get rid of me!" No matter what disagreement we had, or issue with the kids acting out, or problems with not being able to get pregnant etc., I NEVER thought he would leave. It literally did not even cross my mind as a possibility.
Also, damn do I still miss intimacy. All of it. Being loved. That hole exists, I just ignore it better these days. One thing she was good at was physical intimacy, and I don't just mean sex. I got very used to holding someone daily.
^ This is probably the hardest thing for me. We used to fall asleep holding each other. He used to talk about how we just "fit" together. He would come under the covers and joke about how he was the "cuddle monster" and just lay with me. I know it sounds lame, but damn do I miss that. Our bed, holding each other, was honestly the place I felt safest in the world. Which is ironic considering his sex addiction and all of the trauma associated with that. But when we were good, that was my ultimate happy place. A hug from him made everything better. He knew that too, so I honestly feel like he used that against me. In the weeks between him telling me he didn't want kids anymore and me actually catching them in bed, he withheld all forms of physical intimacy. Then he went on a business trip, refused to take my calls, but would intermittently text I love you's etc. to keep me on the hook. So then when he got back from this trip where he had all but ignored me for a week and a half, and he suggested sex, I was so starved for physical affection that I jumped at the chance.
And yet I still have to keep reminding myself of all of the terrible things he did in order to get past those "missing him" moments. Every time a good memory pops in, I flood my brain with all of the facts - phone records proving contact with numerous escorts, discovery of meth use, mutilating my personal property due to his masturbation/sex addiction, lying to my step daughters throughout our whole relationship/marriage by telling them that we had NEVER had sex in our entire relationship then perpetuating this lie even after DDay... the list is endless.
And yet the idea of dating someone else still feels like cheating to me, even 6+ months later. Loyal to a fault is fucking right.
[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 8:21 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]