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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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Bookgirl posted 10/31/2019 19:27 PM

I feel the same Puffstuff. Iím starting to feel like Iím going to be okay. This thread has helped me loads too.

hopefullife posted 10/31/2019 22:55 PM

I went out with friends last night to watch the performance of our favorite musician at a bar. I thought I was doing pretty well. In general I think I am. But there was one line in the song that triggered me. I had to lock myself in the bathroom to hold myself and recover. On the outside, no one could ever guess just how damaged I am. It was a great night nonetheless.

Cephastion posted 11/2/2019 17:21 PM

The example above about this all seeming like a book you were reading where it feels like you skipped to the shitty part at the end was spot on. All those missing chapters happened in our ex's head, not ours. Oh well, I hear those chapters were bunk anyway, the delusional scribblings of a madperson.--Abandonedguy

Yeah...kind of like that part at the end of The Shining when you get to see what he's been writing all along.

"Me, myself, and I. Me, myself, & I. Mi, my self, und EYE. ME, miself, and die. Mee, masef, an dye." etc.,..

It's just REALLY unsettling to find out that you unwittingly married an axe-otic dancer man or woman that just happens to be technically non-resistant or have just enough of an aversion to jail to not quite go thru with using the actual axe in the act.

AbandonedGuy posted 11/2/2019 21:12 PM

I've said countless times, especially in those early weeks, that I felt like a corpse that my ex was trying to quickly dump in some ravine before the sun rises and reveals her sins. I have no doubt that barring legal repercussions, she would've gladly had me snuffed out so she didn't have to part with the measly 25% of shared assets that I managed to procure for myself.

There have been a lot of threads recently pertaining to "is my WS a narc or not" and in my downtime, I've given up a tiny bit of mental real estate to mulling over whether my ex was actually a cold-blooded bitch or just put that mask on in the aftermath of DDay and you know what? I'm convinced she was the former the whole time. I so wish that she was a decent person who was bad for a hot minute, but I really feel like I was a sucker strung along by a goddamn siren and steered into the fucking rocks. There are just too many clues over the duration of our relationships which reveal her true nature. The gaslighting is the biggest one, as that was her MO from very early on. Triangulation happened multiple times. The lying was a constant factor. Selfish acts which overruled my wants and needs were the norm. She was ever spiteful of her peers and perceived competitors. All of it points to a woman with very deep emotional problems which I apparently overlooked for a decade. What a rube I was.

These people are creepy when they reveal themselves. It's like a horror movie made manifest in front of you, like you're staring down Darkness, the monster in Legend, who took over the body of your beloved. Fucking crazy stuff. I still VIVIDLY remember the feeling of that cold bitch revealing her true nature and it's chilling.

hopefullife posted 11/3/2019 00:45 AM

I honestly don't know if my STBXH is a narc or not. He hasn't been officially diagnosed. I remember we took a test before and he came out as 100% narcissist, but that's just an online test. He admits all this mess is his fault, not blaming anything on me. He admits he is selfish and loves himself more than anyone. He said I don't deserve someone like him, that I deserve someone better. BUT. He has become a pathological liar through the years. He basically lies his way through everything, even when it's not needed to protect himself and project an ideal image of himself. Which makes it very hard for me to truly know which is true with all the things he is saying. What I think he has though is a very low self esteem. Maybe inferiority complex.

I wish he would just go to IC like what his family and I wants him to do just so he could get officially diagnosed and someone could help him, and in turn I somehow become truly free thinking of why have we come to this. So I could somehow understand where all this is coming from.

burninghouse posted 11/4/2019 12:52 PM

The question of narcissism has come up many times for me too. I don't know the answer and it scares me to think WH is one. Looking back, during the times of his As he certainly exhibited traits of a narc. I don't know if it's a pervasive or situational thing with him. It's scary and disorienting to think you have spent your life with and dedicated yourself to someone like this, someone with no stable sense of self, someone who wears a mask in order to look the part, someone who can turn on you in the worst ways, someone you thought you knew so well. It's shocking when you realize you didn't really know them like you thought, or failed to see this dark potential as something that could actually manifest. Like they are some kind of body snatcher or shape-shifter only to reveal themselves once they have fully entered your deepest spheres of love and trust. I can't think of anything more terrifying.

I still VIVIDLY remember the feeling of that cold bitch revealing her true nature and it's chilling.

I will never forget WH's vacant eyes when he revealed the As. It was the creepiest, most horrifying moment I've ever experienced. It was at this exact moment too that all the pieces of the puzzle from over the years came together - all the gaslighting, blameshifting, lies, and that damn brick wall he put up. All came together in one crushing blow. I'd never wish that upon anyone.

The Shining example is so fitting because that's how terrifying he seemed when the truth came out.

He has become a pathological liar through the years. He basically lies his way through everything, even when it's not needed to protect himself and project an ideal image of himself. Which makes it very hard for me to truly know which is true with all the things he is saying.

Same thing I experienced. Lying all the time, to impress others, to brush things off, and about little stuff too. It drove me nuts, and I didn't get why he did it. I think it would take up so much energy to lie like that. It seems exhausting, feels dirty and like it would just drag your energy down constantly.

When I try to put myself in WH's shoes with the lying and cheating and false self stuff, I get really creeped out. It feels terrible to imagine being in his shoes. So why didn't I see this in him from the beginning? Why did I give him the benefit of the doubt? Why didn't I spot all the little tell-tale signs as red flags?

I'm interested in why others may not have seen it. Was the deception simply that convincing and effective? Do you think your world view maybe didn't include your spouse/partner possessing a shady character like this, thus making it more difficult to spot? Was there some kind of subconscious or childhood priming to not see this at play? Sometimes I wonder if I was simply too trusting, too easy to give him the benefit of the doubt, although I feel I'm able to discern well enough in general. I know I had a blindspot. Anyone feel like this? I know I may be trying to chase down reasons that are too slippery to be caught. But it's interesting to see similarities and patterns emerge in our experiences here in our little niche.

puffstuff posted 11/4/2019 14:53 PM

Couldnt have put it better burning.

Aside from a few residual feelings of love and concern i have for her, the last feeling that dominates sometimes is...fear. i am genuienly scared of this woman. Scared how she will raise my kids. Scared she will turn them against me. Scared she will move them far far away. Scared that she wants me back or will one day want me back.

Why this fear? because like you ive faced her evil. A true manifestation of psychopathy or something. Evil. I have seen her smirk when i was begging my dad for a sleeping tablet because i hadnt slept in three days since she revealled the affair. Smirked for fucks sake. That she did not ONCE comfort me when i was breaking and broken. How she slept like a baby and watched netflix binge style whilst i was weeping for hours in the garden.

Thats why i fear her. I fear that blackness and if she one day decides to turn it on me again, or turn it on my kids.

These people are not worth the time of the day. Run for the hills and just hope one day they look within amd stop sucking people into their empty orbit. My wife has inability to do that and thats at the heart of "what she has", narc or not. Almost zero accoubtability. How can you have empthy when everything is always their own fault?

Run for the hills

Bookgirl posted 11/4/2019 19:03 PM

I was only thinking today about how I couldnít sleep after my ex told me about his affair. I was completely broken and desperate to sleep. He sort of looked annoyed and frustrated that I was in such a state. He didnít once comfort me. He rummaged around in our medical box before throwing some over the counter sleeping tablets at me. I can remember feeling totally shocked and numb. I donít know why I made excuses for his failings for so long. Iím glad heís gone.

puffstuff posted 11/5/2019 08:07 AM

it definitely takes some doing to be like that, doesn't it book girl? it's like they treat us worse than people treat enemies.

memories such as yours i have grown to actually welcome. they can tidy up my thinking, clearing my head to make way for more important stuff. often all be on a vape break at work and mulling over her or how much she has fucked her life and then i will remember that contempt you speak off or some other instance of her coldness and single-mindedness and i just think eww.w why they fuck am i even thinking about this person?

Bookgirl posted 11/5/2019 17:04 PM

Yep. Youíre right. Itís taken me a while, but now I can see things much more clearly.

SLM10 posted 11/5/2019 20:05 PM

Its 4 years for me this month and I still think about it every day....and I wonder if he ever looked back. Maybe they truly are happy? he married her in less then two years and started a family...we still had been together longer then they have been but he rushed right into everything with her. Does that mean she was a better fit? And we just tell ourselves that it will fail and that there moral integrity will get the best of them to make ourselves feel better? Because it hasnt made me feel better yet? I think at this point the only thing that would is if there relationship failed...then I would have known all the pain he put me through and his complete lack of repercussions had some type of karma. Now it feels like it was all justified because they are married and have a family..I was just collateral damage unfortunately.

[This message edited by SLM10 at 8:06 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

AbandonedGuy posted 11/5/2019 20:40 PM

Sometimes AP is a better fit, or the cheater just tries harder/puts up with more to justify the act. You'll never know which, and making peace with that is a step along the path. Part of me thinks that despite all our talk about these cold heartless assclowns, there's a piece of them deep deep down, suppressed as all hell, that recognizes they fucked up big time. They've got to justify doing something so heinous to someone who loved them so much by telling themselves it was the best thing to do at the time. And if they are the cold heartless bitches and bastards? Well then we're better off and they're AP's problem now.

I realized more and more how my ex and I weren't on the same page. It doesn't excuse the behavior, but it's somewhat comforting to think that we were not compatible like I'd thought. It means the suffering I didn't recognize while I was in the relationship ended and I get to try again with someone better for me. The cheater? They glommed onto whoever was convenient. They weren't being so picky. It was a "you'll do, I guess" rather than a "you're right for me"...not so different from how she and I got together, if I'm being honest.

burninghouse posted 11/5/2019 20:40 PM

I was thinking earlier today what it must be like to be the very worst and most traumatic thing to happen in another person's life. Be glad that you are not this person! I mean how shitty would that be? I'd like to be the best thing or at least a very very good thing to happen in someone's life (even if it's just my own life) but of course it's more fun to share. I often wonder if I'll ever be able to trust again, but I'm thinking that rebuilding trust starts right here in the center, right here at home, right where you are and where I am.

[This message edited by burninghouse at 8:43 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

hopefullife posted 11/5/2019 23:07 PM

I keep talking about not wanting revenge, but justice. It's about them facing the consequences, they won't get away with it unscathed. Cause how could it be that way? How could someone destroy you like you were the bad person and even be rewarded for it? I struggle daily.

Sometimes AP is a better fit, or the cheater just tries harder/puts up with more to justify the act.

I never thought about it this way, that they'll work even harder to not mess it up especially since it's their pride on the line. Maybe it shouldn't matter whatever the reason, but how do you make peace with it? My friend told me that when I'm already okay I will no longer care if they're happy, successful or whatever. I like to believe I'll get there.

burninghouse posted 11/6/2019 11:12 AM

how do you make peace with it? My friend told me that when I'm already okay I will no longer care if they're happy, successful or whatever. I like to believe I'll get there.

I think your friend is right. I'll add that you'll not only no longer care, but you'll be really glad you're not with a person who did something so shitty to you.

WH chose to be with another cheater. When the OW dumped her BP, WH decided he wanted to be "free", that M was not his cup of tea, and that we had "grown apart". It was all news to me! I do think WH and OW are a better fit, they're two selfish liars. Maybe they do look good together but that's just surface stuff. Where's the substance? Where's the character? How can such a relationship really be that good? They have built something on a bedrock of lies, deceit, and destruction. They are both so self-centered and shallow maybe they will never truly get it and live a blissfully ignorant life together. Maybe they'll come unraveled at the seams. But who knows? How can they trust each other? Will they magically heal their issues, do the inner work, discover their whys, and become the perfect couple? I seriously doubt it, but I guess just about anything is possible. They may in fact have the drive to prove it to the world, that their hurtful actions are justifiable because they are meant to be or some other bullshit. I think that's a possibility, that for them the end justifies the means. But then again that's Machiavellianism and is among the "dark triad" including narcissism and sociopathy. When you think of it that way, perhaps we really dodged a bullet! Can these people actually redeem themselves with their new lovers? No matter which way I look at it, it still stings. I'm really looking forward to the fabled "meh" stage.

It seems to be part of the trauma response to have to ruminate and struggle with all the unanswered questions, the whys, having to wonder if these people will or will not suffer consequences. There seems to be this need for making some kind of meaning from the mess they created. On the other side of it, there's also an impetus to create something new, a new and very possibly a better life, one that is a much better fit. Also sandwiched between all of this is the need to heal this wound and process all the feelings that come along with it.

It does makes sense to think these people have actually done us a huge favor by leaving. We are no longer burdened to live like that.

puffstuff posted 11/6/2019 13:50 PM

Ideal situation for me is that they live happily ever after. Im 38 and can live the second half of my life free from an emotional rapist. I dont want any kind of hoover. Good luck to them.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 11/6/2019 14:20 PM

I dont want any kind of hoover.

You're right - you don't. False R is the ultimate hoover and honestly, it has been so much more damaging for me than the A itself was. Had he not been such a coward and just let me go then I would be over 2 years out from this crap and a lot less damaged. The fact that he claims when he asked me repeatedly to stay he "meant it when he said it" but later "wanted" to go back to the AP makes it worse. I constantly look for logic, and as I have told so many of my own clients: when emotions come into play, all logic leaves the building." It's true - logic and reason go out the door...stopping the trying to make sense of it all is good advice that I wish I was better at taking.

hopefullife posted 11/6/2019 18:41 PM

when emotions come into play, all logic leaves the building." It's true - logic and reason go out the door..

The only logical thing I know from everything that happened to me is that he fell for her hard. There is no other explanation. Not a greener grass, he turned his back on his side of the family, he discarded the bright future he had with mine. She and the child are who he has chosen, despite his family and I offering him R.

he "meant it when he said it" but later "wanted" to go back to the AP makes it worse

Same ThisIsLonely. I offered to let him go during fake R, but he was the one adamant about not separating. Even says he now can breathe having left the threatening OW. Only to find out 2 months later that he wants her afterall. That even after us having an honest discussion about separating properly instead of another betrayal. What the heck was that. Sometimes I still think I want him to come back just so I can tell him 'No' on my terms.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 11/7/2019 13:36 PM

I offered to let him go during fake R, but he was the one adamant about not separating.

Mine too. Ultimately he said he was tired of the "Days of Our Lives" drama we were living and that my unhappiness was making him unhappy and that's why he had to leave. Yes, that's why you're still talking to her now?

Sometimes I still think I want him to come back just so I can tell him 'No' on my terms.

I get this too. Completely. It's all part of the "fairness game" I play in my head. He got to put me through 1.5 years of false R, and then another 6 months or so of him claiming he was going to prove to me that he wanted to R (all the while still carrying on with her again yet saying that he wanted to R and that I was the problem). How in the hell is that any kind of fair? My biggest regret is trusting him afterwards - trusting that he wanted to R. I don't know why I did when he clearly wasn't trustworthy.

Instead, basically, I got 2.5 years of nightmare, and then dumped rather harshly (the "I don't want to do this anymore, you have to leave" when I was planning on leaving on my terms a year later). It's infuriating and simultaneously the biggest punch to the gut ever.

hopefullife posted 11/7/2019 21:36 PM

The morning of Dday2 I was having anxiety attack and he hugged and told me he will never do it again, just like he's been saying for the past 2 months of fake R. A few hours before Dday2, he told me about the new dreams he has for us. It was that easy for him to lie straight to my face and even give me that fake hope that we really do have a future.

That aches to the core, I have thrown away the dreams we previously had and have started to rebuild a new one. Only to find out it was all lies.

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