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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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Bookgirl posted 10/18/2019 18:25 PM

I have also started to worry and feel sorry for my ex. Itís the strangest thing. I know that he has made all of his choices himself, but I still feel bad for him 😮 itís so annoying. I think I have looked out for him for so long, itís a hard habit to break. I bumped into him by mistake yesterday and he looked sad and pathetic. Why do I feel bad about his horrible choices. I feel bad that Iím living in the house with my kids, even though he left. I need to have a word with myself.

[This message edited by Bookgirl at 6:28 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/18/2019 19:26 PM

I feel bad for mine as well. Heís made himself a miserable bed at his workplace and honestly he has 2 real friends: me and his best friend since he was 5. His best friend told him after dday 2 and my WH confesses the A to him (on his own...it was in the only 3 months in 99.9999% sure the A was not ongoing) and his friend told him he forgave him but if he wanted to continue this kind of life that he could not be his friend anymore. That he would always love him but he did not want to associate with someone who wanted to contribute to behave in this way (his friends first wife cheated on him and he was devistated for years). So he hasnít told him about him starting it back up, but I did this week so now his two only real friends are gone. So all he is left with is the AP.

And on some level I am worried for him because I fear he will be destructive in his choices. But my worry doesnít last long now. Iíve been worried about him for far too long. Heís on his own.

Bookgirl posted 10/19/2019 07:58 AM

Thanks thisissolonely. I think I need to concentrate on me and the kids now. X

AbandonedGuy posted 10/20/2019 13:59 PM

Don't care about people who don't care about you. It devalues the caring you have for the good people. I get it though, it's a tough lesson to internalize. We didn't leave, thus we weren't the ones with no love left in us. But to hold onto love for someone who devalues you and schemes to get one over on you is foolish.

Bookgirl posted 10/21/2019 17:40 PM

Your right AB 👀 some self respect has kicked in with me and itís not that Iím holding onto the love, itís more that Iím Constantly amazed by the weird decisions people make. Iím still no contact and thatís the best decision Iíve ever made.

Bookgirl posted 10/21/2019 18:24 PM

[This message edited by Bookgirl at 6:25 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

AbandonedGuy posted 10/21/2019 21:25 PM

It took me months for that "I feel bad for her" feeling to pass. I kept repainting her actions as a pathetic person making a stupid decision to chase fleeting happiness. I wasn't concerned for her or anything, but I did feel sympathy for her as a person in the world lying to herself like that. For me, all that drained from my brain when I started to fully realize just what kind of vindictive narcissist she'd been, that she IS. Then my feelings shifted to "well I'm glad I made it out of that with nothing tying me to her ass".

Sometimes I do wonder if she's really that shitty person I now remember her as, or if she's just a regular-broken, normal-fucked-up person and I can only see the (long list of) bad times. Maybe we were incompatible and I drew out the worst in her and she's doing great with Grizzly Adams, living in his home since a mere 6 weeks after DDay, injecting her bank account with the money from the sale of our house, continuing to get accolades and ego boosts at work, doing the travel thing that most of us do (BS and WS alike) in the aftermath of this shit. I don't know. Really, there was just too much besides the cheating and leaving that she did that has convinced me she's at minimum a shitty, immature person with some deep-seated emotional issues.

The crack in my psyche from the lack of closure is still there deep inside me, hidden under 370+ days of stuff to think about. It still boggles my mind that a person can so soundly cut someone out of their life after going to bed next to them for a third of their life. What does that say about a person? You rest your head beside theirs for 12 years, you convince yourself to cheat on that person, then when they catch you you get the fuck out of dodge and never apologize, never attempt to communicate your side, and never even want to see them again. You're content to treat them like shit and then erase 12 years of life with them like it was nothing, just because you were able to quickly replace them with some "he'll do" asshole coworker. How can people like that live with themselves? Doesn't it eat them up? Don't they ever want to make things right?

The answer is NO, these people don't give a shit. You mean nothing to them and they're fine leaving you in the dust. That time together? It's over now, why aren't you, the BS, getting over it and moving on? They did, so you should, too! (This is what they're thinking) A person like that doesn't deserve my sympathy nor my forgiveness. I'll reserve that for the people who actually show me a little respect.

puffstuff posted 10/22/2019 01:53 AM

Youre so right AG. I know this but my heart is catching up.

I need to look into what it is in ME that puts her before me in terms of worry. There is a lot i am betraying in myself when i agonise about HER future. As you say, she doesnt give a shit. And if she does the measure of it is: no closure, still with him, and no empathy. "Having something to work with" is a cliche on here but its so true. Freedom is letting go. Simple but hard.

LostandFound75 posted 10/22/2019 08:35 AM

I've recently been watching some very helpful YouTube videos that may help others here.
-Everyday Therapist
-Doctor ramani
Their thoughts on narcissistic discard are fantastic. Hope it helps some of you out there.

hopefullife posted 10/22/2019 09:06 AM

I'm so glad I found this forum. At the same time, extremely sad that there is even a need for such.


I've been separated with H for almost 2 months now. He left me to be with the OW and their child 3 days after I rediscovered their affair (2nd DDay) and broke up. More than the cheating, I think what hurts me more than anything right now is the feeling of not being worth the care. Like all my H cares about now is the best interest of this OW and their child. I could die right now and he probably wouldn't even attend my funeral. I'd like to think he still cares as we've had a decade of wonderful friendship which I hoped we could salvage. I guess you could say I'm stupid beyond words, who would want to be friends with a betrayer, a pathological liar? Maybe I am, but that's how deeply I value the friendship we built. I sometimes think I was the one who feed him the thought, cause I brought that up when we tried to R (tried for 2 months) - what if we really aren't husband-wife material? Just friends? Cause really, why cheat on me? We never even argued much. I guess at some point I just really have to accept and move on.


I want them to break up. Any other woman except her. He doesn't even have to return to me. I want her to feel what it's like to be the one that's not chosen. Again. He left her once to R with me and she was so devastated but hey, she's probably laughing at me now that she's got him. I'm not that even angry with the OW, sometimes I am when she taunts me, but she wasn't the one who made vows with me. I sometimes think he lied too much to her too and also a victim. But she knows he's married. She definitely had her fair share.


Right now my H is in deep financial trouble with his business. He's already feeling the karma. That's also what hurts, if the grass isn't greener there, why stay? He must really love her. But businesses are risky and I've always believed he can bounce back. I guess what's driving me crazy is thinking they'd, in the future, fulfill the dream we once had for each other and be rewarded for having trampled upon other people. Where is justice in that?

puffstuff posted 10/22/2019 16:45 PM

Theres an old poem by cs lewis where he talks about how hard it was to drop his daughter at school on her first day. The last line in it "love is proved in the letting go."

I cant unlove this nutter. I cant turn off that switch. So if i love her i need to let go. To love her i need my love to diminish. The healthiest thing for both of us is me letting go. To let the love sit there, weaken and then dminish forver.to never pursue it ever again with her.

#nocontactforever

hopefullife posted 10/22/2019 17:10 PM

We are in little to no contact as much as possible. We only talk about finances we need to settle. But boy is it so hard especially when I hear or see them going out (not personally, through social media or through a friend). Really? You can flaunt your AP like you both did nothing wrong? And he said through our common friend that should there be consequences, he'd rather it be put on himself and not on this OW. Aarrgghh.. he protects her more than he protects me

josiep posted 10/23/2019 15:43 PM

I am so blown away. I've been on S.I. for 2.5 yrs. and read voraciously. I've read countless books and articles. I've spent thousands of dollars on counseling and prescriptions for sleeping pills, anti-depressants, etc. I've spent countless hours ruminating, rehashing, over and over and over again. I've had nightmares. I've had sleepless nights. My life is in shambles because I haven't been able to concentrate on normal tasks of living.

And I come here and read the words "narcissist discard," google search it and find all the answers I've been looking for in terms of why it happened. I am so relieved, I can't begin to tell you. I'm a different person in just 2 days. I know understand exactly what happened and I now know that it would have happened no matter what I did other than continuing to be the door mat. How liberating this is.

I have to run for now to deal with a bunch of other stuff but I wanted to at least get this written and to say THANK YOU. People who continue to share are the biggest heroes and I'm so grateful.

AbandonedGuy posted 10/23/2019 16:22 PM

Hey josiep.

It's quite telling what kind of mental disruption this whole thing causes, and just how damaging romantic partners can be, when the answer that helps you get through is "Oh they just didn't care about you at all because they're generally incapable of caring about other people, and there's nothing you can do to change that".

I'm so glad you've found the little pocket of discardees. Compared to some of the other folks here who are dealing with cheaters that stuck around, our situation is a whole different problem set. We're lucky on some fronts (especially long term), and unlucky on others (it's like a double rejection when they cheat AND leave). Finding out that there are in fact others like us who have been cast aside for "greener" pastures, on a whim and with no afterthought or remorse, was so incredibly comforting to me. It helped me to realize that maybe I'm not a "piece of shit husband" who deserved to be discarded--although I'll say, my self esteem is still less an optimal because of all this.

Also, it is kind of a relief when you look back on your relationship through the lens of having been with a person on the narc spectrum and things finally make sense. Until then, you feel like you're going crazy.

puffstuff posted 10/23/2019 18:14 PM

Yep, narcisstic discard as it is defined by so many online pretty much put all the "whys" to bed for me. Is mine a full blown NPD, no, i dont think so. But ahe slides up the narc scale with ease and she is surfing at the top of it now!

Its well worth reading up on the discard for all those on this thread. It can be pretty chilling reading that stuff tho if they still lurk in your life.

hopefullife posted 10/23/2019 18:54 PM

it's like a double rejection when they cheat AND leave

THIS. The feeling of not being chosen hurts on a really different level. After all you guys have been through together, you're still not worth fighting for. I've always believed that marriage is hard work. And that even if the feelings of being in love is gone, you work your way back to it because love is also a choice. You always choose the partner you married.

I can't deny I still care about my H and I know I still want him back. I wonder how long this feeling will stay.

puffstuff posted 10/23/2019 19:46 PM

Josie, have a read of the book Loose a Cheater, Gain A Life. It fleshes out so much that needs to be fleshed out for people on this thread. She also is a very very healthy antidote to all the money driven reconcilliation industry stuff that swamps the net.

Very few money driven blogs and therapist websites will write what she has in that book.

LostandFound75 posted 10/23/2019 22:10 PM

"NARCISSISTIC DISGARD"
I mentioned it earlier because I found it mentioned in this thread a few days ago.
I came back after reading and binge watching YouTube videos to reiterate that anyone that reads this particular thread needs to research this topic. I suppose there are a lot of others on this site that will be here soon when they are discarded finally after years of being abused without knowing it.

joisep, Im in the exact same place as you and reading about this has finally made everything so clear after 2-3 years of going through exactly what you have.
It's like finding that long lost last piece of the puzzle. Like coming out of a crazy fog, and just getting it.
I can't tell you how much it means to me to finally understand how someone could be so cruel after being together for so long.

The stories from the start, middle, and end of the relationship fit almost perfectly and even put a smile on my face while I read or listened to them because of knowing that all this craziness I went through was like lines out of a textbook.
It all just fit into place, lightbulb went on, and I hope everyone hear takes a good look at Narcissistic Discard....it just might fit your situation.

It obviously doesn't take away the hurt for those with fresh wounds, but if you dig long enough there is plenty of advice for helping you at every stage after being discarded by a narcissist.

[This message edited by LostandFound75 at 10:11 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/23/2019 23:43 PM

it's like a double rejection when they cheat AND leave

THIS. The feeling of not being chosen hurts on a really different level. After all you guys have been through together, you're still not worth fighting for. I've always believed that marriage is hard work. And that even if the feelings of being in love is gone, you work your way back to it because love is also a choice. You always choose the partner you married.

I can't deny I still care about my H and I know I still want him back. I wonder how long this feeling will stay.

I got cheated on, false R for a year, then false R for another 4 months, then left. I guess that makes me and the rest of us here super-special. There are moments when I want my XH back too - there are so many things about him that I miss - the him before all of this. I miss the things we did and I miss the future I thought we would have.

Being disgarded...it's indescribable. I said something to my xh like that - that after him begging me to stay and to give it another chance, and me doing it, reluctantly so even through my pain, and then him throwing me away, was just beyond painful - beyond cruel. He just nodded in agreement.

puffstuff posted 10/24/2019 09:35 AM

the most powerful part of the narcisstic discard discription for me was the "devalue" stage.

for about 6 months i noticed something had changed. a real shift. she no longer gave me a hug before we went to sleep. no longer had sex. she would talk about splitting up and then agree not to, but there was a smirk, a something else there that i could never quite work out. i pulled closer, she pulled away. i read books. i worried that i was a terrible husband. she was literally withdrawing, bit by bit, infront of my eyes and i was doing NOTHING wrong. there was no control, no clingyness, no abuse, no addictions, nothing. i was just an average joe bloke trying to be a good husband. but still she drew away. always with a smirk. silent treatments. irritation with me, very subtle, just beneath the surface...all of the above was the devalue stage. it happened exactly like that. i don't want to sound vain, i am truly not, but a lot of women would have killed for a husband and fatehr like me. i was trying the best with what i had. but still this slow drip drip of devaluation that is all so clear to me now after and reading about narcisstic discard was just like, wow, all the lights are on again. i can see clearly now.

and then up pops the OM, the fat shit c*** of a womaniser and the marriage is over. ah, the final discard.

coupled with that was her basic shallowness. her jumping from one thing to next, on and on, new job, new friends, wnating to move houses, she never ever fully settled into herself.

she's alone now. all of her family have disowned her, likewise all of mine. she's just got the kids and her shitty new man.

i still dont know whether to laugh or cry at her.

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