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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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Jduff posted 5/14/2019 12:08 PM

For months afterwards he would say they were now just close friends, how he didn't know how he felt about anything.

My XWW did and said all of this after our separation -- they were just friends, etc., etc. From my perspective, it was a ploy (almost subconscious, like a lie to themselves) to make it appear that her new, "healthy" relationship was developed in a socially-acceptable way after her marriage dissolved for "other reasons." It's a story they tell so that society "accepts" them. The alternative story, while honest, is "unacceptable," the the people around them and to themselves.



Not laughing at the situations above. Just their wayward rationalizations. My XW and OM ran the exact same rewrite script. I call that process their "laundering of facts and truths" to fit their "just found each other post marital apocalypse" story. And yes, in my situation my family and friends know the unlaundered truth and simply roll their eyes as they flaunt their denial around. I actually get a kick out of seeing them eyerolls!

Ozbetrayed posted 5/19/2019 23:44 PM

I love this thread...

I'm in the same boat, but I genuinely believe that the XWW if only with the OM because she needed to justify to herself and everyone else that it was "worth it"

I never worried about what he had/has over me, because if you knew both of us, there is literally nothing...

Criminal history, unemployed (got fired because of the affair), unfortunate looking and poor value system.
Maybe, just maybe he makes up for it in personality and in the bedroom, but for all other things in life, he's nowhere.

Their relation was started on a lie, it's never going to end well... Even when she was having the affair and he was the "other man" they had a fight about her cheating on him with other guys!
HILARIOUS..

I know that they have broken up and gotten back together at least 10 times in the last 18 months - quite a volatile relationship in general...

Now though, she has nowhere to live as her mother kicked her out and has moved in with him. She told me that she doesn't want to, but can't get her own place...

Her life has spiraled and now she's stuck in a relationship that I believe she's not happy in...

I just sit back and watch the train wreck, knowing that I dodged a bullet, but she shot herself in the head.

LostandFound75 posted 5/30/2019 16:04 PM

It's a bit of a shame there isn't more posts in this forum page. As one who's EXWW left suddenly for her "soulmate" or as most people know him as her coworker, it has taken its toll.
Been a few years, but the fact she didn't try at all after 17 years was and still is painful.
Through time, therapy, and...well...time I have gotten alot better but then there are days like today where I just feel worthless.

I understand she is broken(this wasn't her first rodeo) and I understand that I did nothing wrong but love her unconditionally through the years, but knowing that these two people that destroyed my family and my son's innocent childhood are still together is soul crushing some days.

I've tried to get out, tried to meet new people, tried to stop combing over these pages for solace, tried to look at the gift given to me, but the memories of what I thought we had haunt me.
The house we turned into a home together I have changed, but everything reminds me of a happier time. Can't afford to move and can't move cities to be closer to my family because I would probably lose custody.
We moved to this city to be closer to her family and where she grew up. Now with her rewriting of our history, her family turned their back on me almost immediately which sucked because that was all I knew for 10 years living here.
Every holiday, long weekend, and event we were all together and then I was this horrible person??
I get she had to lie to them to justify leaving me for someone and not to look bad, but the loneliness has lingered.

My heart just doesn't seem to be in it anymore.....or at least today.
It seems that most people on this forum at least got a chance, or it seems like it.
Some of their spouses tried, or realized what they were giving up and at least made an attempt. I suppose she did through a few months of false reconciliation , but I was still in the dark about the affair that was happening which again takes its toll because in hindsight how stupid could I be to believe her.
Anyways, there must be more of us out there who have some trying days so I thought I would put my thoughts out there.

Rustylife posted 5/30/2019 16:39 PM

You're right. This is imo the ugliest and loneliest place on infidelity sites. Technically I initiated the divorce but yeah, I didn't have any other option. She's still with her lover and I'm hearing that they got engaged on Memorial Day. The level of rejection is something that even amongst BS very few have handled. Mine initiated a separation before I ever caught her. Real sly one.

Nothing you can do other than recognize that your depression is situational. It's not over her but it's because she got you stuck in a shitty place without any support or options. And that's very natural. Just keep trucking man. The scar will always be there but it lessens over time. Pour yourself into some activity. Not her first time cheating? Yeah these types are really disordered. Mine supposedly got all her cheating out of her system when she was in high school. Apparently not.

You've been heard man.

eluniverse posted 5/31/2019 18:50 PM

Almost part of this section...
my H doesn't want to quit contact with his A, he said that he need space from me in order to decide if he wants to stay.
Sorry I know Im so wrong for letting him do that to me, but Im so broken right now, I don't know what to do

AbandonedGuy posted 6/2/2019 00:33 AM

If anyone has seen Beetlejuice, this club we're in is the Lost Souls Room (death for the dead). It's a particularly sad thing to be outright rejected and explicitly made to be "worthless" in the eyes of the person you loved for soooo long. False R sounds so good compared to this, at least in the beginning. When they up and quit, it's such a mindfuck and a shock. Even if we know, eventually, that it's due to their own demons, it still sucks, especially since this club is so tiny. Misery does indeed love company, at the very least so we can share freakin notes or something!

My coping with it has been largely constructive, but while I feel worthwhile and valued and all that jazz, I can't help but feel blah about the long term. No kids, so all of my accomplishments feel like wheel spinning. Who am I doing this for? Me? Meh, I'm easy to please, I'm not a good enough motivation in the long term. I don't need very much to be happy, but I also want to be ambitious. Also, damn do I still miss intimacy. All of it. Being loved. That hole exists, I just ignore it better these days. One thing she was good at was physical intimacy, and I don't just mean sex. I got very used to holding someone daily.

I don't miss her though. Personally, I think my greatest strength in this was quickly moving past that bitch, both the real person and the idealized version. I never think of her. I don't care what she does whatsoever. I still think she's a shitty person, but no use in dwelling over shit I can't change. No contact is truly a kind of panacea for me. I kind of forgot about a lot of our time together, memories pushed aside to make room for new ones. It's as if a 12 year hole is growing in my brain. For the best, probably, as long as I learn my lessons.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 6/2/2019 02:50 AM

I'm glad this thread is finally getting some attention!

It has seemed so dead lately that I've avoided posting here as I felt like it wouldn't really get any feedback.

The Infidelity Club is the worst club no one ever wished to join, but the Abandoned by an Exit Affair crowd is the red headed step child of that already shitty club. Then add to it that I'm one of the very, very few women whose spouse had an exit A. Makes me feel like there is something especially wrong with me that I attracted, and then loved so deeply, such a fucked up individual.

When they up and quit, it's such a mindfuck and a shock.
Been trying my best to see it as a blessing in disguise that I wasn't put through years of false R. And we were trying to get pregnant at the time, so also incredibly grateful that I didn't end up having a child with such a disordered person. We were actually in the 2 week wait at the time of DDay, so I went through a harrowing week where I thought I might be. Finding out I wasn't was at the same time utterly disappointing, and remarkably freeing. I can be grateful for those things, sure. But damn if it isn't a complete and total mindfuck that the person you have dedicated so much of your life to, truly went through the better and the worse together, and then BAM it's like you're just not worth the trouble anymore.

I made the mistake of attempting to ask him why several times right after DDay... I said, "I just don't understand, we've been partners for 7 years, how can you just cut me out of your life and act like our partnership doesn't matter?" His only response was "Of course you don't understand, you just don't listen." I swear it was like I was listening to a broken record, he wouldn't say anything but that, or "All you ever did was tell me what I did wrong." Of and of course the cheater's mantra "I never had sex with her!"

I haven't spoken to him in over 6 months, though he intermittently sends nasty texts... He still wants to use me as an emotional punching bag, and gets even more frustrated that I won't respond, which cues up even more nastiness. Most recently he was asking for our AGI from last year's taxes... something he could have easily looked up himself... but he was too focused on trying to make me respond to him, because, you know, HE was wronged in this whole situation, to take the 30 seconds to google "How to find out your AGI if you don't have access to your previous year's tax return." He threatened that he would file his taxes with my name on them if I didn't respond, told me not to come to DsD's track meet "or else" etc.

His last text to me was "This is why I left you. You can't budge, not even a little. Everything has to be your way."

Ummm, unless I'm mistaken, you fired me from the job of being your wife. That means helping you is not my fucking responsibility. And trust me, if I had "my way," I wouldn't have PTSD from my "life" partner all of a sudden deciding that he wanted to change that title to "only while it was convenient for me."

the memories of what I thought we had haunt me.

^^ This. I have an incredibly good visual memory, so I can literally see all of it. My nights alternate between two nightmares. First his crazy, vacant eyes on DDay, literally just a vision of him screaming at me with completely dead eyes. From those, I wake up in a sweat. Second are the memories of all of the good times, or more often, a vision as if we are still together, just spending time with each other and DstepDs. I then wake up thinking that everything is fine, and it takes about 10-15 seconds for me to realize that I'm actually living in a new reality.

Mine initiated a separation before I ever caught her. Real sly one.
WTF is up with this? Mine did that too. I know it's the ultimate form of avoidance. They know that an A is bad, so they attempt to make it look like an A never happened by initiating separation before you can put all of the pieces together, but seriously WTF? My dumbass caught them at the beach together, then believe his bullshit lie that she was "possibly his daughter coming to find out if he is her dad." I believed that lie for 2 weeks until I caught them in bed together, during which time he just kept reiterating that separating is "the right thing to do" because "he just doesn't want kids anymore." Then when I caught them in OUR bed together he screamed at me to get out of "his" room and said"I've been telling you for 6 months I don't want to be with you, I'm starting to get really concerned that there is something mentally wrong with you because you just aren't getting it."

Meanwhile we had literally been trying to get pregnant that whole time, had celebrated our anniversary, he had bought me two Best Wife Ever t-shirts "just because," and I have dozens of texts from him proclaiming his love, talking about how excited he is to expand our family, how great we are together and how well we complement each other. How even when we disagree we balance each other out. Now I look back and feel he was saying and doing all of those things to try to convince himself, because he didn't actually believe any of them.

Before we got married he used to ask me all the time, "Are you sure you can handle me for the rest of your life? Are you sure I'm not too much for you?" To which I would reply, "Yes, of course I'm sure." And he would reply, jokingly, "Good, because once we're married, you're stuck with me! You'll never be able to get rid of me!" No matter what disagreement we had, or issue with the kids acting out, or problems with not being able to get pregnant etc., I NEVER thought he would leave. It literally did not even cross my mind as a possibility.

Also, damn do I still miss intimacy. All of it. Being loved. That hole exists, I just ignore it better these days. One thing she was good at was physical intimacy, and I don't just mean sex. I got very used to holding someone daily.
^ This is probably the hardest thing for me. We used to fall asleep holding each other. He used to talk about how we just "fit" together. He would come under the covers and joke about how he was the "cuddle monster" and just lay with me. I know it sounds lame, but damn do I miss that. Our bed, holding each other, was honestly the place I felt safest in the world. Which is ironic considering his sex addiction and all of the trauma associated with that. But when we were good, that was my ultimate happy place. A hug from him made everything better. He knew that too, so I honestly feel like he used that against me. In the weeks between him telling me he didn't want kids anymore and me actually catching them in bed, he withheld all forms of physical intimacy. Then he went on a business trip, refused to take my calls, but would intermittently text I love you's etc. to keep me on the hook. So then when he got back from this trip where he had all but ignored me for a week and a half, and he suggested sex, I was so starved for physical affection that I jumped at the chance.

And yet I still have to keep reminding myself of all of the terrible things he did in order to get past those "missing him" moments. Every time a good memory pops in, I flood my brain with all of the facts - phone records proving contact with numerous escorts, discovery of meth use, mutilating my personal property due to his masturbation/sex addiction, lying to my step daughters throughout our whole relationship/marriage by telling them that we had NEVER had sex in our entire relationship then perpetuating this lie even after DDay... the list is endless.

And yet the idea of dating someone else still feels like cheating to me, even 6+ months later. Loyal to a fault is fucking right.

[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 8:21 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

Cephastion posted 6/2/2019 06:33 AM

As I've stated before, she left me twice (three times in a way) without warning or recourse and then came back each time when she realized she couldn't (or at least wasn't) doing any better for herself with the other "options" she had opted for.

As the doggie bag fallback safety net leftovers that was still there for her keeping MY end of the marriage vows, we did eventually reconcile along with some serious rugsweeping on my part.

But damn these reality based dreams I am still having off and on...

And the sense of unresolved injustice...

She got to play the whore while I got to play the fool. She got the support and the accolades for being the bitch and taking and getting whatever she wanted regardless of the treachery and filth and falseness involved.

I still can't get over how morally and supportively worthless most everyone was with me as well as her. What kind of Christians are supportive of abandoning, lying, adulterous spouses but either critical or silent with the ones that remain faithful and loving?

Quite remarkably, she is probably the harshest judge and critic of those kinds of choices and that "lifestyle" of hers that she sported at the time that i know of at this point, but even that doesn't change the fact that she got to absolutely VIOLATE every shred of decency and trust that i had with her and I got stuck with the bills for her thrills.

I know we're back together and have been that way for a long damn time now, but putting off facing this stuff makes me feel like I'm still back there sometimes in the. AWOL days... Especially when I have a night full of those dreams of her leaving me afresh and anew for her newcomer piece of shit that graced her path like what happened in real life years ago.

LostandFound75 posted 6/2/2019 23:47 PM

HeHadADoubleLife, I also had some wonderful cards 6 months before her leaving. Cards stating how wonderful a father I am and what a great husband I was as well. In the card she wrote how she is so happy and how she couldn't wait to spend the next 40 years together growing old with me.

We went on a family trip overseas 3 months before she left, which was fantastic.
A camping trip to go whitewater rafting and we were currently looking for a bigger home to move into.
Then one day I asked her about the property I'd emailed to her.....and that's when she said " I think we need to talk about that"

My heart sank, just by the tone in her voice.
She said "I was thinking of moving out for awhile....I just need some space"

Well the space she needed was obviously (not to me at the time) so she could pursue her relationship with her coworker while she dragged me along with hope for 6 months.
"I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage" I can't picture myself growing old with anyone other you"....stuff like that.
Always replied to me saying I love you, by saying she loved me too.

It wasn't till I went to her new place unexpectedly and found her having cooking dinner for another man that it all made sense.
I'd believed her, everything she said about needing some time on her own. Then she got angry and that was basically the last time we talked. Since then it has been by text or email only. Did try and talk to her once and she yelled at me for 5 mins straight and kept saying " Im not a bad mother"??
The anger inside of her was a hatred for me I'd never felt before.....by anyone, ever.

I boxed all her stuff up and made her come and collect. She said she didn't want it or ask for. This was 17 years of clothes, jewelry, her deceased mother belongings, pictures...etc. Everything, and she didn't want it??

I believed her when she said there was no one else because I'd asked her at least a couple dozen times and she always said no, there is no one.

Besides the obvious pain of all that was the fact that the women I adored and loved would rather pay me child support, give me the house outright, let me keep all of our savings, see her son half the time then spend another second with me. That's a pill to swallow without any warning, she went from my love to someone who can't stand me.
That kind of rejection is soul crushing, that rejection will always be with me.
On top of that, she blamed me for it??

Whoever possesses her body now is alien to me, and I have a sneaky suspicion that one day she will be diagnosed with a mental disorder of some sort.

Her and the coworker are still together, but live separately. It's been two years and she has been on 3 vacations with him, but not once with our son.

I will never understand how she could just suddenly change from a loving wife to hating me over a 6 month period. Funny how life works, scary how I was probably the happiest I'd been in my whole life right before she told me.
I remember driving home that day, thinking how lucky I was to have a home with a beautiful wife and wonderful son.
That was my last really happy thought in years.

Sarahleigh posted 6/3/2019 08:36 AM

Hi, I'm not sure if this is the correct forum for this but I just need to get everything out and have someone listen. I was on this site about a year ago when my partner of 14years cheated, I wanted to work on things but it went from bad to worse and now I dont know how to start piecing my life back together. While working on things the arguments turned violent and after 3 black eyes I was done. I told him I didnt want to do it anymore and I wanted him to move out. He refused to move sobbing saying i had to let him stay til he found somewere and i stupidly felt sorry for him.he spent weeks begging and crying and trying to change my mind and I felt so bad that I cudnt the guilt was horrid,he was meant to be sleeping on the couch but I would wake with him in my bed hugging or touching me n he wuld make me feel bad saying he just wanted a hug and I was all he had n he was heartbroken so I didnt feel I culd say no and hurt him more, he was my best friend since 18 and I stil loved him I I cudnt be with him. after weeks he was still refusing to move out and I felt tormented, he carrie on like we wer a cuple and didnt even consider looking for somewere.i felt trapped like how I felt didnt matter so I told him if he didnt move out I was going to start dating anyway and he would be a mug to stay... i thought he would never consider staying after that, I started spking to a guy I knew yrs ago and knew I wanted to date him but told him I cudnt til my ex moved out,finally after an argument my ex was removed by police and after 2wks of no contact with him I went on a date with the guy I had been spking to. After a cuple wks of spking to the other guy my ex came back begging and I stupidly let him in my head and slept with him, he then refused to move out again and said he was staying to fight for us, i stil spoke to the other guy but didnt say my ex was refusing to leave cos I was so embarrassed, over the next few wks I tried to get my ex out and met the other guy a couple of times but kept it from my ex, I wasnt in a relationship with either but know I was in a grey area and should never had not been 100% honest with them both but I was too embarrassed to tell the new guy n my ex would have gone psycho. I tried so hard to get my ex to leave, I begged and sat for hours crying begging him to go he just said he cudnt he loved us too much, I even wrote letters to my ex asking him to leave before me and kids got home n he told everyone I ran away with the kids so I panicked and went home as everyone was foning me freaking out, when I tried to talk about splitting or get him to leave he would tell my kids I wanted him gone to move a new dad in and was looking at guys Willie's online and sleeping with guys, I was gobsmacked
I just panicked and stopped asking him to leave out of fear of what he would say or do Finally my ex snooped my fone and found out about the other guy, he went n smashed up his house, all the windows TVs and left the guys gas oven on when he left he told me all about it and that he was going to kill the guy if he saw him, I begged him not to as the other guy had done nothing, my ex messaged the guy saying I had been having an affair and thr other guy blocked me on everything , I had gone to school with him so we had so many mutual friends I was mortified he culd maybe believe my ex?and I cudnt contact him to explain, my ex said he wouldn't touch the other guy if i didnt contact him again. I was so scared what he would do to the guy I agreed, and I was so humiliated by the lies of an affair my ex told everyone, when I tried to explain or defend myself I sounded crazy to everyone so I didnt bother my head was such a mess i was in total shock, I put up with him for another couple weeks then told him one night I was going to lawyers to have him legally served 30days notice so he had to leave, that night he took my fone,uploaded all my personal photos and conversations to my social media family and work colleagues, intimate pgotos the lot, he then messaged any man in my contacts a picture of an ax saying he wuld kill them, he locked the doors and started screaming and smashing things up, my kids were crying and scared and at 7am I managed to sneak them out the back to my friend who lives next door and i phoned the police. He was arrested and i spent the next few wks dealing with social work and police and my life was a nightmare, they put high alert on my house and were constantly checking inside in the night which scared my kids so much. Then my ex started coming round again crying at the door to let him in he was sorry, he just wanted to c his kids, begging me to let him be a dad cos he lost everything else, u felt so sorry for him I let him in, he wasnt allowed and had bail so tried to get my kids to lie at school about him being their and had them so nervous and upset, I let him come round to c them but not stay and I would go out partying with friends cos I had nowhere else to go, he pleaded guilty to 2 domestic charges in January and I supported him and went with him to court to ask he didnt get jail. He got 120 hours community service. He was living in homeless accomodation and social work made it clear they would have a problem if he ever moved back in. He promised he had learnt his lesson and just wanted somewere to he found his own flat. I helped save a deposit and agreed to put owr eldest money in his name so he would get help with rent. He was staying a few nights a week and we wer finally getting on, I thot if he got his own place we could hav space to sort us properly.he made a big deal of valentines day with the kids for the first time ever... then a week later went out for a drink with an old friend....... I started getting messages from his friends gf... an old friend of mine, asking about me and him and being nosy when we hadnt spoken in years n alarm bells started ringing... I spoke to her and although she didnt say I figure out he was at his friends sister house,I knew my ex used to hav a thing for her and figured out their was more to it. He never came home... no contact whatsoever ... 4weeks later he put on fb he is in a relationship with his friends sister the one who's house he had gone to that night, he had moved in with her that night. He hadnt been in contact or spoke to his kids in 6wks when he finally got in contact. I tried to day I was hurt and he laughed at me, so I decided to leave it. He asked to c kids and we agreed he wuld take them every 2nd wind but not around his new gf. First wknd he took them he moved them into hers for 2 nights with her and her 5yr old son, I was devastated for my kids, they had only known me n their dad and the first time they saw him since he jumped out my bed was in his new gfs house for the wknd. My eldest is 13 and had to sleep on a floor and came home upset saying his dad spoke about her n her son all wknd n he didnt want to go back. Since then my younger 2 have been twice and it's been a nightmare. My ex decided he wudnt spk to me and his new gf said I had to deal with her, I didnt like it but guessed it kept things simpler... nope, if had pages of messages saying I'm a bad mum, snort cocaine, dont care about my kids... she said on loudspeaker inform of my kids my ex left me cos her pussy tasted better , she sends patronising messages saying it will get easier for me to c her with my ex and that I'm evil and hes moved on with her. All this iv taken and not bitten back to, my kids want to c their dad so I tried for them, theyv been 3 times total since the end of Feb. I asked for some money for kids and got shouted at I was a gold digger n was getting nothing. Then last night my ex and new partner posted on social media they wer engaged.... 3 months after he left owr 14yr relationship , theyv posted gloating photos and everything and my friend has told me its cos she is already pregnant to him. Then his new gf and my friend got into an argument over messages and his new gf said he cheated on me 7years ago with her. It blew my mind but made sence , I used to be friends with his now gf so she around back then and I always thot their was something but thot I was paranoid. I just feel spaced out, what's happened to my life, he was my best friend since we wer 18 n I just stood by him through court and social work n believed he loved me. Everything's upside down and I just feel broken. Theirs nothing left of me after trying to help him thru it and do the right thing all my friends and family told me he would do this but I defended him and never believed he would

AbandonedGuy posted 6/3/2019 11:23 AM

LostandFound75,
Funny story. Ex-snake in the grass and I went to an amusement park just one month prior to DDay. The whole time she acted as if we were the bestest soulmates, when she was absolutely in the midst of the affair in some capacity. Never fails to amaze me how these shitheads are able to compartmentalize and actively deceive so effectively and remorselessly all the while continuing to build on their life with you despite resenting you or outright hating your guts. Just goes to show how trust in another person blinds you to their bullshit and how some people are such gigantic chickenshits. To be fair, I myself was a gigantic chickenshit when I initially wanted to save the marriage instead of outright leaving. BS's can rationalize it all they want, but not leaving a betrayer is our flavor of chickenshit behavior. Her abandonment, while insanely traumatic, was inevitably the best thing that could've happened here.

Amusing side note: on the drive back home, for whatever reason we got to talking about Gwyneth Paltrow's weird vaginal products. She brought up how she and Chris Martin had "consciously uncoupled". I didn't know what that meant so she described it to me in a way that sounded really stupid, I think pointing out that they still hung out and did things together even though they were divorced, or maybe they hung out with each other and their new spouses. Anyway, I remember her and I agreeing completely that if we divorced, that's it for us, we shouldn't even be friends. What a fun discussion for her to have in the open while she's secretly sopping for her gross, old coworker. Oh how conversations like this resonate when they're recontextualized after affair discovery...

AbandonedGuy posted 6/3/2019 11:24 AM

duplicate

[This message edited by AbandonedGuy at 11:24 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]

HeHadADoubleLife posted 6/3/2019 19:45 PM

AG

Anyway, I remember her and I agreeing completely that if we divorced, that's it for us, we shouldn't even be friends. What a fun discussion for her to have in the open while she's secretly sopping for her gross, old coworker. Oh how conversations like this resonate when they're recontextualized after affair discovery...

My XH's brother had a huge blowout fight with his wife about a month before DDay because she had an affair... they have an open marriage, but she violated the rules because she brought home a guy without getting approval from him first, or something like that. Bottom line, he was pissed about it, and went off on Facebook in multiple drunken rants.

I was out of town for work at the time, but saw the posts, took screenshots, and sent them to my XH to say hey, I think you need to talk to your brother, something is going on. Brother and his wife ended up reconciling before I got home, and XH was pissed about it.

When I was back in town he and I had a conversation about it where he said his brother was stupid for staying with her. Then he also said "if we ever got divorced, we wouldn't blow everything up on social media like that would we? I think we would be classier than that." And I said "no, I don't think either of us would do that." In hindsight, he was checking to make sure that I wouldn't say anything. Not that I could anyway since he blocked me on all forms of social media the day I caught them.

He also randomly texted me one day and asked "Hey, are we "married" on social media? I thought we might be but I can't remember" and I said "no, we never officially "connected" on social media because we didn't see the point in it, all anyone would need to do is look at our photos and it's pretty obvious.We aren't all lovey dovey and stuff, but it's clear that we are together" To which he replied "yeah, I was just wondering."

Just thinking about that level of deception still makes me feel like I need to vomit.

AbandonedGuy posted 6/3/2019 21:32 PM

Ever the schemers, these types. I really wish I wasn't as oblivious as I was so that more of these kinds of conversations could surface to the fore of my memory. Instead, it's just a series of really weird moments where she acted "differently" than normal. Her being completely unmoved by the movie Hereditary, where something very horrendous occurs to a child character. Her being standoffish with the very friendly crosscountry hitchhiking backpacker we briefly met at a gas station we stopped at en route to the amusement park a month before DDay--so unfriendly toward him that he politely pointed out her cold demeanor. "Jokingly" telling me that she was talking to a coworker friend of hers about her "piece of shit unemployed husband".

Most of it's fallen from my brain by now, though. Honestly, everything I've posted here and elsewhere will serve as my emotional time capsule when years from now I want to remember just what exactly went down, in my own words at least.

It's still really weird to think that I actually loved this person once upon a time. I'm not the type to have ever kept in touch with ex-girlfriends, but you'd think that the person you spent over a third of your life with would still be a factor in your life even after the marriage ended. We don't have to be friends or even very friendly, but to be non-entities is still kind of baffling to me. Oh well, her loss.

Rustylife posted 6/8/2019 18:29 PM

I'm not the type to have ever kept in touch with ex-girlfriends

I wonder if this is another trait that is common in all the BSs. I always let my ex-gfs fade out from my life while my XW was an avid texter to all her exes and even guys who had an obvious crush on her. She told me that she feels bad if she's ignoring somebody. It was amusing at the time and I used to tease her about stringing some poor dude along but looks pretty sinister in hindsight.

On the memories part, I can't seem to remember the truly good parts. The ones where you're so deeply connected that it seems like you share the same soul. Some many late night talks with her and after every talk I used to think, wow! I love this girl so much.

I was with her for 8 years and now any conversation I remember, my mind automatically says "Yup. That's a red flag. Shouldn't have married her." And this is a woman I loved so deeply at the time that I used to tear up when parting with her for a few days at the airport.

The fights and the bitterness of the last few months when she was actively cheating, that I remember distinctly. The pleasant stuff is gone. The deep love I had for her is gone as well. And that's what makes me so sad. Think I'll never love someone as deeply as I loved her. Hopefully I'm proven wrong.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 6:30 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

brokengirl63 posted 6/9/2019 07:25 AM

I am glad I looked in here!

My husband (56) of 16 yrs has been having an affair with a 35 yr old girl that lives with her parents for the last year and a half and they LURVE each other!!

I found over 80,000 texts between them. Shit a spouse should never read about another spouse! I even know what kind of lube they use - gross!

So I threw his ass out and changed the locks and then his lawyer told him he had to move back in to minimize his alimony to me.

Real fucking nice, I help raise his kids, I took care of his dying mother. I thought we were working towards enjoying retirement in a few years and now he's trying to screw me out of my security.

What a fucking prince charming right?

I have texts where they are looking a houses together to rent and live together. I read a text where he went and saw divorce attorney and actually told him I didn't know anything was going on.

Now I can't get the fucker to leave!

He's sleeping on a twin bed in the guest room that I think my parents paid $50 for 10 yrs ago I get a little comfort out of that!

Get used to it asshole! I am going to stoke this out for a long long time!!

I feel hurt, betrayed, bewildered, I mean why not just leave? That's what I don't get.

My mom just passed away in April and then I find out this shit in May...

[This message edited by brokengirl63 at 7:25 AM, June 9th (Sunday)]

12and20years posted 6/14/2019 17:24 PM

I've come to realize in my situation, he ended up with his AP (eventually marrying her) because I didn't give him any other choice. Being the shame avoider that Bean called out, (add to it a pathological fear of being alone), where else was he going to go once I outed him and kicked him to the curb? He may have initially just wanted to boink her but then he got backed into all sorts of financial and emotional corners when he got busted.

And think about this....he had to somehow "legitimize" the whole affair to himself and everyone else. I mean, he blew up his entire life - if it wasn't because this woman was the most perfect skittle-farting unicorn in the herd, then that would make him...well...a total douchebag right?

OMG Chili, so glad i found this board and your words. Like you i left my cheating husband- he had a 5 year affair with a co-worker. Now 18 months past d-day, 6 months since divorce is final, he has confirmed that he is still with her and has introduced her to our son. I'm not sure if she's still a co-worker- which would be strange since now they are at least public with my kid- part of me wants to find out and part of me knows the less i know the better- it won't change anything. So I've been struggling with a feeling of now being officially being discarded and replaced- with the introduction to my son. But she has a lot of qualities that were supposed "problems" in our marriage. She has a bad financial history, she likes to dance, he hates it, just a bunch of stuff that would be big no-no's in normal every day life for him. But i was thinking the same thing that you wrote about a few days ago. And yes when i think about it- other than indiscriminately sleeping around and dating around, how would he be able to ever really have a new clean relationship. How do explain to a new girlfriend, that you are divorced because you cheated on your wife. At any point his friends, family and even our son can out him to this new person, and i'm sure he'd be terrified that i would make a public service announcement to any new woman in his life....so since he said he needed to have lots and lots of sex before he dies- i guess she's his best shot at something with some sort of relationship involved. I'm waiting for reality to hit both of them over the head, the reality of what real life with each other is like. I've already caught him searching her name and property and her ex's name online as well as searching for porn. Same thing he used to do when he was sleeping with her , me - he would search for porn as well. Good luck to her! He's not capable of anything real, and i would absolutely inform a new person in my sons' life of what they're getting into. So he probably realizes he blew up his life, only 2-3 friends have accepted his version of the story- everyone else pretty much asserts that he's a piece of shit. Even his sister knows he's a pos but he's her brother, but she feels for me having him be a POS. he has to look at everyone in the eye and live with the knowledge that they know what an asshole he is! So he's probably stuck with her for better or worse. So they can play happy new family all they want, everyone knows what they really are, including my son.

For now i am trying to steer clear, keep quiet and keep calm and live my life and let god and karma do their thing.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 6/18/2019 10:46 AM

On the memories part, I can't seem to remember the truly good parts. The ones where you're so deeply connected that it seems like you share the same soul. Some many late night talks with her and after every talk I used to think, wow! I love this girl so much.

I was with her for 8 years and now any conversation I remember, my mind automatically says "Yup. That's a red flag. Shouldn't have married her." And this is a woman I loved so deeply at the time that I used to tear up when parting with her for a few days at the airport.

The fights and the bitterness of the last few months when she was actively cheating, that I remember distinctly. The pleasant stuff is gone. The deep love I had for her is gone as well. And that's what makes me so sad. Think I'll never love someone as deeply as I loved her. Hopefully I'm proven wrong.

Just wanted to thank you for this Rusty. I meant to say something about it at the time, but I got really emotional reading it, and felt like waiting to respond would be better. But you expressed in such a succinct way exactly how I feel. We both traveled a lot for work, and getting to see him and give him a hug after one of our trips was one of my biggest joys.

I unfortunately still do remember the good parts. How much I loved him. I am hoping those will pass with time, because the pain of missing those soul-connecting nights is unbearable. Recognizing now that a lot of it was probably just NPD mirroring and projection, makes it all the more painful. None of it was real. So I'm missing a fantasy, something that never actually happened. It's helping me move past it, to understand that. At least I hope it is.

I too am scared that I will never love someone as deeply as I loved him. Even if that love was based on lies, it felt very real, and I miss it. I hope all of us can find someone who is deserving of that kind of love again.

suckstobeme posted 6/21/2019 12:55 PM

I don't post a whole lot anymore since I'm many years out, but I felt compelled to post here after reading everyone's thoughts. I have always felt exactly the same way - absolutely gob smacked that I was tossed away like garbage by a person who was married to me for 15 years and made 2 children with me. And, I'm scared that it has left a scar that will never really heal.

My ex's behavior was no different than most - he gave me the "I love you but am not in love with you" speech at first. I had no idea what was really going on and begged him for answers. The more I begged to communicate, the more he withdrew. He went to a couple of counseling sessions at my insistence and just sat there until the counselor fired us for giving him nothing to work with. I asked a million times if there was someone else and each time he told me no. He rented an apartment because he just had to leave while we tried his version of a "temporary separation". When I asked him why he had to leave if he felt that we might be able to work things out, he looked me square in the face and said, "because every feeling I've ever had for you is dead." That one hit me like a bullet and will go to the grave with me.

On the day that he moved out, he acted like it was any other day. He had a cup of coffee, screwed around on the internet, and just waited for me and the kids to leave so that he could pack up his stuff and leave us for what he knew was going to be forever. From what I can remember, he barely even said goodbye to me.

I know in my head that his leaving and never looking back was a blessing in disguise. And, by this point, my heart has caught up with my head so the pain has subsided and no longer consumes me. But, there will always be that part of me that is jealous of people who had a spouse who at least acted like they cared or acted like it bothered them that the relationship was over. I had boyfriends from high school and college who got upset and even cried when we broke up. My husband never shed a tear. Worse yet, he acted like he could have cared less about the pain he was causing me. I was crying on the floor one night and I remember that he actually stepped over me to get to the kitchen for something to eat. I never felt so powerless or worthless and the fact that my husband purposely made me feel that way still blows my mind after all these years. I tried my best. I'm sure I was not a perfect wife, but I didn't deserve that. None of us do.

The end of the story is pretty much the same. He left. He went right to OW who, after 8 years, became OWife. These days, he barely talks to me and only sees the kids when he's supposed to. It's a sad story, but apparently not uncommon.

I'm sorry for everyone who is in this boat because, while I'm glad we are all away from these disordered shitheads, I think that each one of us gone through a massive trauma and that it has changed us in such a fundamental way that our pre-D-day selves are gone for good. I used to be someone who loved being in a relationship. I never needed it, but I loved it when I had it. Now? Unless you're my parent, my sibling or my child, I would question the authenticity of anyone who says "I love you" to me. I picture myself growing old alone and while I'm okay with that, it's one of those things that I never really thought would happen.

So, that's my story. I don't know why these people roam the Earth - these narcissistic personality disordered wingnuts who sniff out genuine people to destroy. I just wish they didn't exist.

AbandonedGuy posted 6/21/2019 13:33 PM

o I'm missing a fantasy, something that never actually happened.

This right here I think is the primary reason behind why I've almost completely forgotten that entire 12-year span. The Big Gaslight put it all into question, so I see no use in missing what was possibly all bullshit or, at the very least, the love bombings of some dead-eyed strumpet. Maybe some of the love was real, maybe it was all in service of meeting her present needs and nothing more. It really doesn't matter either way because I got the same result, so no use in wrestling with it. It's a bleak perspective, but it helped me to move past all of it.

"because every feeling I've ever had for you is dead."

Oh man, my ex-wife told me something similar. Wrote her this beautiful letter covering our history, our love together, etc. and when she finally stopped avoiding me and sat down for a talk, a few days after DDay, she said "I read it and felt nothing." It's like these goddamn people think we just sat there all these years loving them tirelessly. Nope, I had to rediscover my love for her a handful of times. I might have always been dedicated to the awful creature, but I was mature enough to realize what long term relationships do to human connections and how the fires of love must continually be refueled.

I think that each one of us gone through a massive trauma and that it has changed us in such a fundamental way that our pre-D-day selves are gone for good.

Some days I don't even feel like the same person. Not just because of my cynicism toward "true love" and how I now know how easily it is for some people to fake expressions of it, but also because my personality changed in a myriad of ways I wasn't expecting. Many of those changes are good, though. Survival mode will force you to sink or swim and push you to unlock your inner fighter. Suddenly being lonely at 34 at a new job and in a city, far from any friends or family, will force you to come out of your shell pretty damn quickly. I feel like the emotional onslaught I went through made me a more empathetic and caring person, too. Really, it feels like my old self was completely burned to the ground and this new me was built from whatever didn't turn to ash...very phoenix-y, really.

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