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Codependency & Loving Too Much

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sootired posted 1/24/2017 10:16 AM

thank you for this. I am def. a CSV-3. My WW exhibits strong signs of BPD. It seems from what I have read and seen that it is a disastrous combination. And yet I keep finding myself looking for ways to fix her and keep feeling so sorry for her. I know that her upbringing has created who she is (at least the upbringing as told by her). That hurts me because, if true, it isn't her fault, but I am getting crushed emotionally. I could deal with just about any of it, but the PAs and EAs are too much.

The funny thing was that I was always a fiercely independent, if not slightly lonely, person prior to meeting her. I have been going through some hard emotions these last few days and CoD is a big concern for me. I see it in my brother as well, always rescuing the next damsel in distress.

MsPI posted 2/1/2017 11:05 AM

I guess this is where I belong.

Can somebody beat it into me, please ? I don't need him to live, my kids are grown except for the little one...he's done the most disrespectful shit...wtf is wrong with me? I know I can do better and deserve it.

I'm fine til I see him with someone else. That's when that out of control rage kicks in. We're no good for each other anymore

MissesJai posted 2/9/2017 13:23 PM

I am -3 CSV to the core but am working hard at changing. The harder I look at this, the more I question my reasons for staying in this M. FWIW, my father was an emotionally unavailable alcoholic with severe PTSD. My childhood can be best described as controlled chaos.

MsPI - someone had to beat this into me too. That someone was Melody Beattie - read her book Co Dependent No More - it's one hell of an eye opener.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 1:24 PM, February 9th (Thursday)]

Thissucks5678 posted 2/9/2017 21:03 PM

Thank you for starting this thread. I read Women Who Love Too Much awhile ago and I think it's time for a reread. I'm in a much better place than I was the first time I read it and have already been tackling some things, but now feel motivated to do more.

Unhinged posted 2/9/2017 21:38 PM

onlytime, thanks for fighting so hard for this tread.

SI Staff, thanks for giving into onlytime's persistence. It was only a matter of time, after all.

As the BH of a highly CoD WW, it was extremely hard to read onlytime's original thread about it in G. It's astounding how much I've learned from that thread and from members willing to share.

The harder I look at this, the more I question my reasons for staying in this M.
Now, this, right here, certainly caught my attention, MissesJai. I've been thinking about this since I read something similar from you a while ago.

So, I wonder... how many people with strong CoD tendencies do the same thing? And the flip-side, of course, is whether or not my FWW's tendencies were a big part of what I found so attractive about her so many years ago. Will I like the person she changes into? Will she like me? Herself? I wonder just how far this goes, how much of being codependent influenced a WS's decision to cheat, to marry, to commit to R? What happens to a person when they learn to cope with their tendencies towards codependency?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:39 PM, February 9th (Thursday)]

GraceisGood posted 2/12/2017 12:11 PM

I have been working on this myself for several years. I have read two of the books mentioned here, going through Beattie again right now.

Unhinged, I think you have some very valid and perceptive questions. I think the fact that you are aware (and hopefully your W is too) of these aspects that you will be open and aware enough to get where you want to be. For me I think being aware, knowing that changes will happen, being willing to ask the questions, to search, to explore both individually as well as together is helpful. Those who do not want a change, who fight change, who do not support growth and healthy exploration struggle when one partner takes the journey instead of trying to take it together. I know we all cannot take our journeys completely together for we are all different but by together I mean supporting each other in a healthy manner, being willing to realize that change and growth can be messy, that mistakes can happen and while we should not tolerate poor behavior, that grace can be extended during the awkward rough patches that do occur.

When a little one transitions from crawling to walking those around them encourage their faltering steps, do not shame them when they revert back to crawling a bit, or chide them for not walking perfectly right away. The little one figures it out on their own, in their own way, at their own pace, but those around them take the journey with them.

I think as we grow and change it is good to be mindful of those around us and where they are. Those who truly do love us, who are not detrimental to our health should be granted grace while dealing with our changes imo, just as they should grant us grace as we take wobbly steps towards a new way of being.

I wonder just how far this goes, how much of being codependent influenced a WS's decision to cheat, to marry, to commit to R?


For me it influenced all my decisions, it was the underlying subconsious foundation/motivation. I was/am the type of CoD that thought people treated me the way they did because of who I was. Learning that others treat me the way they do because of who they are has been life changing for me. I can still behave out of the automatic life long habit of this subcoscous, I do not always make choices/decisions mindfully. Sometimes I will catch myself, sometimes it is much later and I have to figure out how to deal.

I am grateful for this topic to be shared. I have a ton of questions but will do some more reading of the first page before I go crazy posting. I will share this one thing though to see what kind of feed back I may get to help me understand. Since D-day I have gone to a transformational workshop, tried IC and tried CODA meetings. Each things has been hugely disappointing to me. They were all disappointing to me because I wanted more, I wanted to go deeper and none would. The workshop had limitations of what could be covered (it was just a 4 day workshop, I get that, but I felt like I had to reign myself in constantly, constantly bite my tongue, constatnly wait and hope for more that never came). IC was the same, they wanted to go at their pace, I was required to again wait and reign myself in. CODA meetings were excruciating, sitting there just listening, not being able to ask questions, no back and forth just listening. I wonder if part of this is because I am the type of CoD that does not take charge, I worked very hard to make myself small from as far back as I can remember, minimize my needs, focus on others needs, follow their rules, etc. I was a follower, I did not try to control things (yes I did by trying to control myself to meet others wants/needs, to keep the peace, etc. ) so maybe part of this struggle is that I am finally willing to take risks, to stretch myself, and so on that it feels like it is almost like being slapped back down. I know there is something I am missing here, something I am not seeing or understanding correctly but this bothers me. I do still tend to make myself small, put others first, etc. but it is not to the extent it was, again it is the automatic vs the mindful, I slip into automatic when life is hectic, I am exhausted etc. I try to be mindful, I try to take time etc., I do succeed at times also, it is not just me trying but not doing (as Yoda would say), I am also doing, trying to acknowledge my changes, growth, while also being aware of what still needs work.

I would be more than appreciative of any insight you all might have.

Thanks,

GIG

MissesJai posted 2/13/2017 12:52 PM

I'm reading Women Who Love Too Much at the moment and wow. I can't recommend it enough.

So, I wonder... how many people with strong CoD tendencies do the same thing? And the flip-side, of course, is whether or not my FWW's tendencies were a big part of what I found so attractive about her so many years ago. Will I like the person she changes into? Will she like me? Herself? I wonder just how far this goes, how much of being codependent influenced a WS's decision to cheat, to marry, to commit to R? What happens to a person when they learn to cope with their tendencies towards codependency?
Unhinged, you know this is a recurring "theme" in my work as of late. It's not an easy place to find yourself as now I question everything.

As for the flip side, honestly, only time will tell. The fact that you've done so much work and continue to do the work will be incredibly helpful as you move through this. I really don't know what's going to happen with my M and TBH, I'm not worried.

delilah2016 posted 2/27/2017 05:30 AM

Another author that has been very helpful to me is Lisa A Romano. She has books and also has a ton of YouTube videos that I watched all of the time the first 6 months I realized I was Codependent.

Thanks for this thread!!

MissesJai posted 2/27/2017 13:53 PM

I highly recommend Women Who Love Too Much after you've read CoD No More - one just builds on the other. My eyes are wide open as a result.

noname7 posted 3/2/2017 04:09 AM

I Just found this! I'm so glad to see it finally got started.

WhatsRight posted 3/6/2017 11:25 AM

I believe I tend toward codependency. But I do not fit the mold in many ways. I had what I consider a very fortunate childhood, loved very much by both parents, parents having a loving marriage, etc.

I have been married now 3 times. I think because they have not lived up to my parents example. Maybe my not wanting to leave is facing failure x 3, but it is mostly due to being caregiver for my disabled husband. Also, I love him. And most importantly, I will feel better about myself to know that I stayed and cared for him than to abandon him to an unknown future - needing help for the most basic of daily living skills - just so I could persue the desire to be a bit more happy.

It's not so much for him, as it is for my opinion of myself.

I will be reading the 2 books recommended. I know that some of it applies to me.

I will say this.....even if it is an unpopular opinion. I don't believe a person can "love too much". I just believe some love can be unhealthy in the way it is manifested, as opposed to its amount.

JMHO.

I'll save any more opinions until after I read the books!

MissesJai posted 3/7/2017 13:06 PM

I don't believe a person can "love too much". I just believe some love can be unhealthy in the way it is manifested, as opposed to its amount.
I am inclined to agree with you - I think it's more of loving obsessively.

tessthemess posted 3/7/2017 13:32 PM

I used to always think that if I gave it my all, even when the going was bad, and accepted the bad, then I was being a good person. I know now that being a good person means also being good to yourself, and I need to defend myself as much as I want to defend others. And I'd never let somebody else be treated the way I was. So now I truly think giving it your all comes with a limit, and to be kind you need to be tough.

delilah2016 posted 3/12/2017 06:41 AM

The Human Magnet Syndrome is me & WH for sure.

Dday and before we were most likely -4 CSV for me and +4 CSV for WH.

We have both been working hard for the past 16 months and I would say we've moved to -3 & +3.

I'm not sure how long it will take for me to make it to -2, and then maybe -1. We'll see.

We have both figured out that we had Narc mom's. I had to care for my narc mom and WH had to constantly seek attention from his narc mom because she ignored him. We are so typical that it makes me sick to think of all of the time (30 years married) that we have wasted living in this pattern.

And when I think of the damage we've done to our kids, I just want to cry. Both are early 20's, I see my DD tending to the narc side of things. DS I'm not sure. He appears to be in a balanced relationship?? He may have come out of this ok on the spectrum but he still grew up in a crazy house. He was the easy child so co-dependency may still show up. He's 21 and early in a relationship....

Some days I just want to give up this fight for "normal", but typical codependent, I'm fighting so I can help my kids.

underrose posted 3/14/2017 08:16 AM

Thank you so much for adding this topic. I have been lurking in the MPD thread but found that the fit was just "not right" but reading through the introduction here, realized this is where I belong. During my 2.5 years of IC was referred to Co-D but the only local group was AL-Anon and their problems were so much worse that mine I didn't keep going.

delilah2016 posted 3/15/2017 16:31 PM

I've been home alone for two days with all of this snow and it's given me too much time to think about how I've wasted my life in this pattern.

The more I think about it, the more I remember the clues I had 30 years ago and I wonder why I didn't get out then.

I remember 25 years ago telling my mom's best friend, that I wish my grandma was alive so I could ask her why she spoiled my mom. Why do I have to take care of my mom all of the time. My mom was in her late 40's at that time, she wasn't old.

On our wedding day was the first time my WH yelled at me. Our honeymoon he introduced me to porn (the only time we watched it together). Why didn't I get out then? Why did I continue to make excuses for WH behavior for 29 years? (I quit about a year ago)

I also wonder about my kids. DD appears to tend toward being a narc. DS tends toward codependent. I don't think either of them are like WH and I, so I pray that it doesn't affect their lives the way it has ours.

Back to work tomorrow and hopefully less time to think about all of the regrets.

MissesJai posted 3/15/2017 20:55 PM

ah regrets. I know those well. I have several. Letting them go is easier said than done.

underrose posted 3/17/2017 21:15 PM

I will be rereading this since I found myself sucked back in. We were supposed to meet to go over taxes, ExH needed groceries so guess what? We went grocery shopping instead. I was able to stick to one boundary - the amount of time I would spend with him. He had never heard that word before "boundary" so I spelled it out for him, explained and left.

oceanluv posted 3/18/2017 13:20 PM

I think we all are CD in a M-but I realized how much to my detriment post Dday...working in it..

MissesJai posted 3/25/2017 09:30 AM

how is everyone doing? it's up & down for me but the silver lining is I can now recognize when those CoD behaviors are kicking in - and I call myself out on it: "That's CoD MJ - cut it out". It helps tremendously.

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