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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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sisoon posted 7/5/2016 11:06 AM

I think you're right, BoP. I thought you had gone NC with your x. Are you connecting again?

If so, what for?

SurvivedJuly posted 7/5/2016 12:40 PM

I don't post often, but as you see by my name, I'm coming up on a full year since D-Day and I'd like to share part of my story. For some reason I'm reflecting and obsessing a little more than normal, but here goes.

July 4th last year I knew something was very wrong, but had no idea what it was. Hiding phone, hiding gym bags, stupid little lies all over the place. He was restless and detached.

By July 14 I had my full answer--affairs with three young men. All the evidence was in the phone log, pictures, his bank statements and all the stuff I finally found in his car.

This was a 25 year marriage, second one for both of us. I thought we were happily married! Never would have dreamed he could be unfaithful let alone with men!

I understood immediately a few things. One, if he could lie and deceive me like this, his total disrespect would be insurmountable. Two, I didn't want to spend the rest of my life suspecting and checking on him. Ugh. Three, if he wanted men--as apparently he did--he would not be able to be faithful. On top of that, when confronted, he denied doing anything wrong and he "hoped" we could rebuild trust without him having to admit to anything. Hmmm.

Yes I was in total shock. It was truly like an atomic bomb just went off in my life. I told my closest relatives (asked them if I was crazy) then I told him and made him get out.

In the first six months, I wailed and screamed every day. I thought I was going to die from the pain and anger. But in the next six months I used that anger to divide up a home of 25 years, initiate divorce, sell the house, file for divorce, buy a new place, move myself across town-alone- & finalize the divorce. Then my dad died. Then my aunt. On top of everything else I had to face those huge losses alone. This is all within six months. I went into a tailspin, couldn't stop crying, couldn't work, spent days where I couldn't do any more than get myself dressed. I was too isolated and alone.

Finally I started seeing a therapist, asked for meds, joined two support groups--one for straight spouses. Met new people. Got out of the house. Looked for the silver linings. Said YES to everything fun and positive, still do.

I know everyone can't just walk away, but I could, and it was the right thing for me. I loved him, I couldn't believe that he could do this, but i knew I couldn't fix him or our marriage. Eventually I learned to love myself and am determined to make a good life, my life, with no more lies and deception.

At my age I doubt I will ever have a relationship with a man, but I have wonderful new friends, close ties with family, and most of all a life of peace and hope. It is still not easy, but if I can do it in my mid sixties, anyone can. Get angry, get strong, and get determined to build a new life.

A year ago I would never have dreamed I'd be on this journey, but I went through it and am coming through to a better place.
Thanks for reading and for all your stories. I feel like I know you well, and I follow your progress and cheer you on. I send each of you wishes for peace and strength.

Cloudyrain posted 7/5/2016 16:39 PM

Thanks GF and Ballofpain. I read both of your posts yesterday and I kept attempting to reply but some how I just couldn't find any words.

Yesterday started miserably after hardly any sleep and I got kids to school and went back to bed for the morning. One of the kids had a concert in the afternoon and wanted me there, so I had to get myself up, washed and dressed and I surprised myself that it wasn't that bad when I got myself there. I enjoyed watching the show it was very sweet and innocent. I felt slightly guilty that XWH hadn't gone to the concert, he had the info in the school letters that I send on to him, but he obviously hasn't read them and I don't feel I should be doing the wifely thing of reminding him everything. My child didn't mention him not being there so at least she wasn't bothered.

I tried to hold it together during the rest of the day. I played in the garden with the kids and had fun. The evening felt lonely and quiet so I went to bed to try and catch up on sleep. I wake up at 4 every morning my head swimming with memories of whats happened and it takes me ages to get back to sleep.

I feel a little bit brighter today and have a bit more hope. I am trying to think of my kids and try not to allow myself to consider suicide, sometimes it does feel like a way to get away from the pain, but it would hurt my family too much. I haven't contacted my doctor about upping my antidepressants but I will take it day by day and if I feel like I'm slipping I will contact them.
I like the idea of a list of positives, I've been trying to think of some more to add to yours

No more lies or false pretences
No longer surrounded by WH booze binges
Not trapped by a man who doesn't love me
No more secret, dirty hook ups with men for me to worry about
Freedom to find myself ....not being just "the wife"
And my own ones of-
Not having to creep around the house worried about his mood or avoiding eye contact because he is angry at something I have done but he wouldn't say what.
Not having to have STD check.
No more of him complaining we spend no time together when he was always at the computer.
No more going on family trips when he acted like I was boring him when I spoke to him.
No more having him control the finances.

I have to say, thinking of all the positives is really good. And Ballofpains explanation about how being apart can be better is really interesting. I to have been jealous of other WH who were trying to R, mine never has. But my XWH says he cant promise to be faithful in the future and that's not the sort of life I want to live. I want someone that loves me and wants to be with me, that's not him!! Maybe I can be on my own and be ok.

I am meeting with XWH tomorrow to talk about things, money, house, the kids. I had been thinking about asking about why he cant be faithful etc, but then I think if he would tell me the truth it would hurt me more, and maybe I just don't need anymore of that.

I had a friend say to me today I should maybe try and see everything my husband has done from his point of view. That he might have not known what to do with his feelings for men and didn't know how to approach me and was worried about ruining our marriage, so he did what he thought was best. And she asked what would I have done, would I have told my spouse!! I have to say I didn't really answer her questions, but I was quite upset by her saying any of this to me.
I think there are ways of dealing with things where a spouse doesn't destroy their partner and family, honest ways of dealing with things I suppose. I think there's a limits at the moment of how much I can put myself in XWH shoes!!

How is everyone else feeling and how have your days been?


SurvivedJuly posted 7/5/2016 19:38 PM

CR, I still feel that if my XWH had ever come to me with the truth, we might have ended as friends. Since he was so deceitful and disrespectful I couldn't stand to be with him.

As we were parting I asked him on three occasions to please explain to me what had happened and why he didn't tell me the truth, but all he could do was continue to minimize and blame-shift. Very disappointing.

And lest anyone thinks I got off "easy" just because I got away fast, I did not. I had to walk away from all my in-laws and three of my grandchildren because they couldn't stand to hear the truth about their dad. I have not seen any of them in a year.

But there are many positives. Mainly it's MY life and no one can lie, cheat or disrespect me any more. Ever. Wishing strength and peace to all who walk this path.

Cloudyrain posted 7/7/2016 07:51 AM

SurvivedJuly- I'm sorry to hear you haven't had any contact with your inlaws and grand kids, that must be so hard. Especially when all that's happened is not your fault.

I have to say I agree and I like to think if my XWH had come to me and said he had these feelings I might have understood, it would have been heart breaking but it would have been honest. As it was I was put through a lot while he sneaked around and lied and I never had a say in how I was treated.

SurvivedJuly posted 7/7/2016 14:17 PM

CR being lied to for so long and having no say in what was really happening is the cruelest part of this. When confronted he denied but left marriage without a fight. I guess that was a blessing of sorts, but now I'm left to figure out if the whole 25 years with him was a huge fraud. Ugh!

And then to miss his side of the family, that is the real heartbreaker. If he had died instead I'd at least be surrounded by loving family. Who knows what he has told them about me. Another ugh.

HowIsThisReal posted 7/7/2016 21:47 PM

Haven't posted in here or anywhere on SI much lately. Just checking in. H and I moved states, we are closer to my family now, because if he ever fucks up again he's gone and I'll have support in place. It's been stressful but has taken the focus off of his infidelity. Now that things are calming down, my grief is coming back a bit.

He's still a model wayward, and still desperately hopes for a future for us.

My H still swears he isn't gay OR bi. He says he has no romantic feelings towards men. Doesn't find them attractive, etc. He has no clue why he did what he did, that sex was his escape and it just escalated. He didn't care what gender he fucked when he was in his fantasy land, and apparently men are easier to meet on CL. Women are mostly all spam and scams, though he did find real ones to hook up with.

It's all so confusing. Some days I think I've got to be lying to myself, that if he was with men, he has to be something other than straight, but his insistence has never let up, and hell, it wasn't ONLY men, he was with women too. Why does that get to be a fucking consolation to me? Like "oh yay maybe he's not gay because he cheated on me with men AND women", it's absolutely ridiculous that I find some kind of fucked up comfort in that.

I also worry about investing more of my life into this marriage and him coming out years down the line, but then I remind myself that he fucked women too.

He swears it won't happen, because there isn't anything to come out about. He swears that he made stupid choices that he would do anything to take back.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 9:57 PM, July 7th (Thursday)]

SurvivedJuly posted 7/8/2016 00:13 AM

double post.

[This message edited by SurvivedJuly at 12:14 AM, July 8th (Friday)]

Cloudyrain posted 7/9/2016 07:36 AM

SJ-Its so difficult isn't it. I was with my husband a long time as well. The shock of someone who you know so well betraying you is horrible.

And I can totally relate to losing contact with the inlaws. His parents and sibling know what he has done. They know me and know they could contact me or talk to me, I wouldn't bad mouth my exwh, but its not happening. Especially now when we he wants a divorce. They could at least contact me to see how i or the kids are doing, but nothing. I suppose blood really is thicker then water. I loved these people so much, it hurts to be dropped so easily.

How are you feeling SJ?

Hi Howisthisreal. How are you? Sounds like a really confusing time for you. Is he doing much to help you?
I find the lack of understanding of himself from my ex difficult. Its like they don't know their own minds. it maddening.

SurvivedJuly posted 7/9/2016 12:23 PM

Thanks CR for understanding how hurtful it is to be duped by your spouse--and then to be dropped flat by all the in-laws, stepchildren and grandchildren.

I had decided that I wouldn't share the ugly details with his family. So they really don't understand what he did. But even if they knew, they would still side with him. My family knows and they support me 100% and don't see him either. So it's just a tragedy all around.

Most days I'm fine and I think I've survived this year from hell. Other times I'm swamped with the injustice of all this--none of which I deserved or had any say in. Yes, it hurts. A lot. But if I survived last July I will surely survive this one too.

Sending out hugs and wishes for peace for all of us today.

BallofPain posted 7/10/2016 01:33 AM

Sisoon, I found all that out by the community grapevine. I was volunteering at an event with one of his superiors. He was boasting about how he finally managed to get the ex fired a month previous. That was around the same time I got a follow request on my Twitter from someone. When I clicked that profile to check who it was, there were pictures of the ex (in his costume) receiving a blowjob from a pup play clad person (amongst many other, different men doing...sexual acts).

That and nothing made me cringe more than getting a text from my friend (who went to school at the same time as him) asking if the ex was gay as he was on Grindr during lunch.

It took a bit to put two and two together. As for realizing it was a coping mechanism, that was from discussing things with my IC.

CR, I'm feeling ok today. I'm pretty tired from work as it's our busy season.

I did try to see things from my ex's perspective. I got as far as figuring out the fact that the cheating was a coping mechanism. But then I would get confused as my coping mechanism was gaming. Not having sex with other women...I can't really imagine myself having sex with another woman. That and maybe I would hide the fact I'm sleeping with another woman...I don't know. I really don't know what I'd do in that situation because I just can't imagine myself cheating in the first place.

Gloomyfish77 posted 7/10/2016 06:19 AM

((((BOP))) My dear SI sister 💕

There is no way, just NO WAY you were to blame for pushing him to cheat by asking questions......no f*cking way......get that out your head RIGHT now........I've done that for the last 8 months, believing it was my fault and trying to fix him. Hell, I nearly succeeded at killing myself because of this shit but it was their choice to cheat....a very BAD choice. Yes, it probably was a stress reaction......but not YOUR fault and don't even accept part responsibility....it was ALL him.

At least, as you said, you won't be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life, you have a chance to find someone very special to treat you the way you deserve and at least you had no children to complicate things.

Girl.....you are doing SO great, keep positive and look forward to a wonderful life........I am saying this to you and wanting it for myself and everyone here.....it is hard to stay positive.....God knows......and today I feel rubbish so sorry if anything has come across as harsh but lots of love, strength and peace is coming your way my dear friend.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Lovingmyselfmore posted 7/10/2016 20:36 PM

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted lately in this forum since I've been busy because my mom was in the hospital in and out... Feel very tired and alone and missed my ex a lot but I had the opoortunity to go through the hospital thing alone and show myself that even if he is not with me anymore, I am ok and I'm strong.

I just wanted to send hugs in case someone feels down today.

(((( hugs)))))

Cloudyrain posted 7/10/2016 20:48 PM

I have posted this in a different section earlier, but I've not had a reply so I am posting here. I'm struggling tonight.

I just don't feel like I can do this I am overwhelmed and upset.
He dropped youngest back and was getting him to tell me how they had slept at his friends house last night, how they had gone out to the beach and rides. I had no idea my child was in a town an hour away at their house. I felt sick that I had been unaware. I can't do this. I can't put up with this. I feel he has lied by omission. I'm jealous as hell about what WH gets up to.

He had asked to have youngest overnight tonight. Never happened on a school night before as work is always so important. I was sad but let him go. Anyway my child got upset and missed me and is back home now. I am trying to get him ready for sleep now he's a bit upset still. 2 of the kids were sad and weepy this evening, missing dad and worried about divorce

I can't stand all this seperate family things. I used to love family time. I hate that the family is apart. Sleeping in different houses. I'm so tired and worn down. I don't see a way out of this, to ever feel ok again. I have ups and downs but the ups are so small. I feel miserable. I've slept a few hours now im awake in the middle of the night an upset, jealous, sad mess.

Sorry to hear your mum was poorly Lovingmyselfmore, hope you are coping ok.

SurvivedJuly posted 7/10/2016 22:36 PM

CloudyRain, so sorry your whole family has to deal with this.
I divorced my first husband when my boys were 2 and 6. I was a stay at home mom at the time, didn't know where or how I was going to live. I'm not sure how I made its through, but I did and today my grown-up sons are two of the kindest, strongest people I know!

Have hope, I know it looks bleak and sad now, but love those babies and care for them. Mine gave me reason to keep going.

Now I'm divorced again, this time from a GIDXH. I was totally unprepared for this, and it's been the most difficult year of my life, but I know if I made it through once I can do it again.

You can too, and you will. Sending hope.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 7/11/2016 00:26 AM

(((Cloudyrain))))

I am so sorry that you are struggling today and I am sorry for your kids too.

Things will get better but it takes time and imho a lot de f commitment to heal and put your attention on your desired destination instead of on where you are and the pain.

It's possible, it is possible Let us all have faith tonight. We need faith that it will get better and brighter and that there is a light that will guide us and will show us the way.

Lets believe tonight, let's believe, let's Believe....

HowIsThisReal posted 7/11/2016 00:34 AM

Hi Howisthisreal. How are you? Sounds like a really confusing time for you. Is he doing much to help you?

Yes. Anything and everything that he can, he hates the pain he's caused me and is embarrassed about his actions. He's never blame shifted, not once.
He does anything he can to help me, it's just that this damn rollercoaster ride sucks and my mind spirals more often than I want it to sometimes.

We even moved out of state to be closer to my family. He left his parents, and his brother behind who, besides me, is his best friend.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 9:53 AM, July 11th (Monday)]

monika posted 7/13/2016 11:47 AM

Hi everobody, i posted in a previous thread and told about my story. I got to know in April that 4 years ago my husband had twice a one night stand with two different men. He admitted to be a bisexual and he just wanted to find out how it is to be with a man. Apart from these two times 4 years ago, he remained faithfull after that - and I believe it. He is very remorseful and tries to help me to reconcile as much as he can. I can see he truly regrets his betrayals. This makes the whole thing easier to deal with for me...However it is still very hard to cope with the fact that he is bisexual and also the fact that he betrayed me twice. I found out 4 months ago but I still face the bad days when it is hard for me to cope with everyday duties (we have 3 kids, one is still a baby), I still experience movies in front of my eyes, anger attaks and I am still afraid of the future. Recently, there have been some days when I started to see things in a more positive way. I want to believe him that he regrets and wants to be only with me from now on. I want it very much. The lack of trust is very hard to cope with. Also the fear that he is capable of doing this again... Sometimes it still hurts so much.
I hope time will stop the pain and I will experience more of the positive days than bad ones. I still need support so I came here. Wish you all all the best.
Same as confused I am angry to read answers claiming that if somebody's husband had a same sex affair, he must be a gay. I believe my husband is attracted in both sexes, I can see everyday that he really is attracted to me. And unfortunatelly men as well. But he is definitely not a gay. That leaves hope for my marriage.
Sorry for my English, I am a Polish girl living in Germany, English is not the language I use in my everyday life.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 7/13/2016 19:25 PM

((((monika)))

I am sorry that you are going through this experience. We understand you completely in this forum.

Both decisions are difficult: either to stay in the marriage and try to trust and reconcile or leave and have to start again and forget about your loved one.

Imho by being bisexual there will always be a possibility of cheating again with a same sex person.

But there's also the possibility of reconciliation.

If you are seeing real remorse, real change and have access to his phone, computer, ipad etc. then there's a possibility of a succesful reconciliation.

This is a very important thread with information about reconciliation:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

I am so sorry for your suffering, but know that it will get better and you can find your way out of this.

Hugs
LMM

HowIsThisReal posted 7/13/2016 21:26 PM

Imho by being bisexual there will always be a possibility of cheating again with a same sex person.

This is true, but it's similarly, also true even if they're not bisexual. They have shown that they CAN cross that moral border, regardless of what gender they cheat with, they've thrown their morals out the window once, they're capable of it, which means any cheater is capable of doing it again. It really sucks.

My biggest worry, if my husband is indeed bisexual, (he swears up and down that he's not), is that I'll waste years of my life working on a marriage that will end if he ever does someday figure out that he might be gay. Then what happens? We can't live like that, the future that once seemed so secure and solid for us, is so unsure and blurry now. Infidelity blurs that future some, but the whole same sex thing blurs it even more. Its hard to sit and wonder if we're rebuilding a marriage based on more lies, and if my H is even unwittingly lying to himself about his sexual orientation.

My H has seen a therapist to try to help him figure out why he did this, and during it they went into trying to figure out if he's gay or bi, and they came up with the answer of no, he's not.

Ultimately HE'S the only one who knows his sexual identity, all I can do is take his word for it, which is also scary based on his history of deceit.

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