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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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HowIsThisReal posted 11/20/2016 19:38 PM

Welcome (and sorry you have to be here) LavaBear.

I replied in the JFO section as well.

SI can be a great support, but even those who are going through messed up stuff themselves, can seem a bit close minded (the whole "he HAS to be gay!" reaction) when it comes to same gender stuff.

Hell, I don't even state that my husband had same gender sex, in my signature because he's adamant that he isn't gay and is working through things with his IC.

My FWH and I are going through the process of attempting R just like anyone else in the R section, so I don't bother to color people's opinions/support/etc with that detail.

I know you said he was openly bi and told you upfront, and I hope he will do the right thing in whatever you choose, be it R or D.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 9:07 PM, November 20th (Sunday)]

Ifeelalone posted 11/21/2016 12:49 PM

Lava bear,
I'm so sorry you are here. This is a very confusing world- betrayal, and then the extra gender confusion. Just wanted you to know I am here with you too- so sorry.

HowIsThisReal posted 11/21/2016 13:33 PM

Has anyone had their WS take a poly asking if they believe they are gay? The reactions in JFO have triggered me a bit. Like am I in denial here, with trying to R?

I'm not trying to rub anyone's nose in anything, I swear, but he's more of a remorseful FWH than some of those WSs who only cheated with the opposite gender. Sometimes I find myself thanking my lucky stars that if I HAVE to go through this shit storm, I'm glad I have one of the most remorseful husbands out there.

So if I were to ask him on a poly, things like "do you believe you are straight?", "Are you attracted to men?", etc do you think it would work? I know polys have to be yes and no questions.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 1:36 PM, November 21st (Monday)]

MadOldBat posted 11/21/2016 16:19 PM

We don't really have polygraph in uk. But I do think my STBX would genuinely sa.y that he is neither gay or bi. And would pass.
My H seems to seek "self destructive" secret, dirty sex.
That is what he looks over my shoulder to find.
For the whole 30 years we have been together. He loves me and wants me in the (shame ridden) way that he can, but constantly seeking degradation and sleeze. ONSs, prostitutes, phone sex lines, porn, masturbation.

I've come to realize that gender, race, looks didn't matter.
So long as they were young, skank and eager..... (or he thought they were) he pursued them.

Pathetic really.

Facingthetruth posted 11/21/2016 16:29 PM


(((Howisthisreal))) - My WH did not take a poly. He agreed to but never initiated it and then we had other things to do with the money. I think it is a good idea. I can so relate. I have been triggering a lot lately too.

Hi everyone. My heart goes out to all us us dealing with this storm. Although my 1st DDay was 2.5 years ago, I had 1.5 years of TT and have known the whole story for a year. This is my first time posting in this forum but I posted in JFO a while ago and still read here.

He says he is not gay but maybe bisexual. I just had my 1 year DDay #3 antiversary. (Gosh, that sounds awful). First it was just talking to other men, then it was skyping re: how they got started with other men, then it was sexting only (definitely no in person meet ups). Now, he says he was with men 3-4 times a year for 6 years and It was mostly only oral and anal once.

He has shown some remorse but it has taken too long to get there. One thing that has affected my decision to stay is that WH was molested by a male neighbor as a child. He has serious issues from that that he has to deal with. Right now, I'm being patient but still wondering if he even wants to be with me. He is seeing an IC (I am too) but it feels like it is only because I want him too.

Bisexuality is not a deal breaker for me. Just because you may be attracted to both men and women, doesn't give you a license to cheat. Could it be harder for a bisexual person not to cheat since they have more to "choose" from? I don't know.

So sad that any of us have to be here (in this forum or any other) but grateful for this site and especially for this forum because I don't feel so alone. Group hug for everyone!!!
(((Howisthisreal, Ifeelalone, lavabear, countrydirt, ballofpain, shock1, brokenheartedwife1, monika, shoalsurvivor, cloudyrain, lovingmyselfmore, fairytalelost, confused615, and everyone I missed))))

Ifeelalone posted 11/21/2016 18:10 PM

My husband checked the "I was sexually abused as a child" box on his SA questionnaire... He says he "accidently" checked it. Of all the oops i checked the wrong box that was it?!? I'm not buying it. He also has an amazing ability to not recall details of past events- even normal events (which I have an almost photographic memory).

His mom thinks it's funny that his older brother would take naked pictures of them when they were little... And has stated she saved them on multiple occasions....Most days I'm very empathetic to what was probably a terrible childhood...

When he took a ptsd assessment it said he wasn't suffering- but I believe he has an amazing ability to disconnect from anything painful.

I don't know what any of that means... My parents always had my best interests at heart and loved me regardless of my mistakes.

I'm with mad old bat- my spouse likes more deviant encounters... And group sex. He doesn't really identify as gay or bi- he says he guesses maybe he is a little bi compared to other people, but only if you had to label it.

It's crazy making trying to try to rationalize any of it. Most days I just call it his mental illness- he's normally kind, no yelling, thoughtful- but this isn't even close to what I wanted for my life. Now I'm just rambling.

I woke up in a panic last night because I had a dream he confessed to letting another man perform oral... Thanks infidelity- I used to dream about cute kitties.

Love and hugs to everyone here...

HowIsThisReal posted 11/21/2016 19:02 PM

I believe he has an amazing ability to disconnect from anything painful

I think my H does as well. In one of his therapy visits, he remembered something that he had blocked out. He was beaten badly by his step-father, broken ribs (from what he could tell), bruising, etc. He walked hunched over for a week. His step dad promised to take him on a trip to this great national forest if he didn't tell his mom.

He was also punched in the stomach by one of his dad's GF's.

That's just 2 of the many fucked up things in his childhood. His childhood was filled with inappropriate and graphic talk about sex starting when he was 6 years old. His dad gave him poppers as a teenager to jerk off with, while his dad went to work. His mom cheated on every man she was with, bringing him and his brother with her sometimes to the hotels they'd stay at. He once witnessed her having sex with an OM.

His dad sometimes had sex with men for drugs, and would occasionally bring him to their houses, my H was once left alone at a guy's house while his dad ran to the store. My H said he wasn't really in danger, looking back, (nothing sexual happened to him) but he was terrified and locked himself in the bathroom until his dad got back.

I mean, some of the things I know about his childhood, from 16 years of being married to him, are terrible. He's had to protect his siblings, sleep with a knife under his pillow, etc.

It doesn't excuse anything, but I do understand that he's had a fucked up childhood and that may have contributed to his FOO issues.

LavaBear posted 11/21/2016 20:46 PM

Wow this is seriously hitting home for me. My H also had a crap childhood while I had a wonderful one. His mom caught him experimenting with boys from his neighborhood and beat him bloody. Then pretended nothing was wrong. I think he was molested by one of those neighborhood boys, because he said one was quite a bit older. She would scream at him for being the way he was as that he was sick and disgusting. She called him fat his entire life. His dad cheated on his mom and after a nasty divorce his father didn't fight for custody at all but I don't think his mom really did either. She blamed him for things he didn't know were happening. His sister became very sick when she was 3 with menengitis, making her severly handicap growing up. He was young and often had to change her diapers and lift her and dress her. He thinks all of this had a huge impact on the way he saw women and made him think he would never want a relationship with one.
He is going to his first therapy session tonight. It's a support group of men who are bisexual or gay, so I hope he can talk with them about a few of these issues. It's so sad that such a trauma during childhood can effect the rest of a person's life so severely. I think he's finally starting to realize that.

Trippd posted 11/22/2016 20:41 PM

Hi, I'm 22 years old and I've been betrayed.
So I've never been part of a support group or blog or anything so I'm just gonna go with it.
I've been with my fiancé for 7 years and I just found out that for the last year he has been going into Craigslist and finding men to talk dirty to. I have always known him to be straight. He made a secret email account and hid it for a whole year. I can't even deal with this concept. The person who I've grown to love and trust has been going behind my back for a whole year. He's been asking people to come over to have sex with them for a bit less time than that. And in the last 2 months he's actually had men come over to have sex with.
I don't know what to do. I've felt a bad feeling and suspected the whole time but I could never prove it. I'm so heartbroken I don't know what to do. All I can think of is how he lied to me for so long. I read all of his email exchanges and they're a completely different person than the man I know. How could he do this to me? When I saw his emails yesterday I confronted him and he told me he had intended to keep doing this but that now he realizes what he's been doing and he wants to prove to me he can change. I don't even know who this man is anymore how do I know he's telling me the truth? I've been living a lie for the past year. I want to stay because our son deserves a put together family and I don't know what else to do or where else to go. Im so torn. Idk what to do. Idk what to feel.

Trippd posted 11/22/2016 20:44 PM

Hi, I'm 22 years old and I've been betrayed.
So I've never been part of a support group or blog or anything so I'm just gonna go with it.
I've been with my fiancé for 7 years and I just found out that for the last year he has been going into Craigslist and finding men to talk dirty to. I have always known him to be straight. He made a secret email account and hid it for a whole year. I can't even deal with this concept. The person who I've grown to love and trust has been going behind my back for a whole year. He's been asking people to come over to have sex with them for a bit less time than that. And in the last 2 months he's actually had men come over to have sex with.
I don't know what to do. I've felt a bad feeling and suspected the whole time but I could never prove it. I'm so heartbroken I don't know what to do. All I can think of is how he lied to me for so long. I read all of his email exchanges and they're a completely different person than the man I know. How could he do this to me? When I saw his emails yesterday I confronted him and he told me he had intended to keep doing this but that now he realizes what he's been doing and he wants to prove to me he can change. I don't even know who this man is anymore how do I know he's telling me the truth? I've been living a lie for the past year. I want to stay because our son deserves a put together family and I don't know what else to do or where else to go. Im so torn. Idk what to do. Idk what to feel.

Trippd posted 11/22/2016 20:44 PM

Sorry about posting twice. :(

HowIsThisReal posted 11/23/2016 08:46 AM

Give yourself some time to grieve, don't make any decisions yet. You don't have to make a solid decision for a long time.

First and foremost you both need to go get an STD panel done.

I your H wants to start the process of R (reconciliation), he needs to give you all passwords and login info, for his CL account and email account. It's called complete transparency. He needs to tell you everything that has happened, and answer whatever questions you might have without giving you grief about it. There's no "just moving forward and forgetting it happened", it needs to be worked through, processed and healed and that includes telling you everything.

Then he needs to find a therapist, and find out if this is a sexual identity thing or something else. It doesn't always automatically mean that a man is gay, though many people will try to tell you that it does.

I'm sorry you found yourself in this section, but this thread is full of compassionate, understanding people. You'll get support in here.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 8:47 AM, November 23rd (Wednesday)]

Trippd posted 11/23/2016 11:10 AM

At HowIsThisReal,
I see that your H was doing a similar thing for 6-7 years...how were you able to trust again? All I can think about is how he lied to me for a year and a half and how could I ever trust anything he says. He's done all of that in just the last 2 days but now I know everything (I think) and it doesn't make it any better. I don't know if he's telling me the truth. He says he wants to delete everything every account, but how do I know he won't just go back to it. He's been living this life behind my back for so long! How did you decide to stay and is it forgivable? I just...don't know what to think. I've called and set an appointment for a full std panel, but what then? I always suspected but I'd hoped I was just being paranoid I never thought it was really true. And now that I know, it's such a hard fact to understand how he could do this to me.

HowIsThisReal posted 11/23/2016 11:34 AM

Actions, actions, actions.

It's good that your husband has already done all that, now he has to keep it up. You WILL go trough periods of immense rage and your husband has to be able to take it and deal with it.

My husband hasn't wavered in his actions this whole year. He's determined to figure out why he acted this way.

In the beginning my H would send me pics of himself in front of store signs as proof that he was there, this wasn't even my idea, it was his. He is completely adamant about making me feel safe now, he says he wants to be the man his family deserves.

But there's no way to believe that until time has gone on and his actions match his words.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 11/23/2016 21:43 PM

Hi everyone,

I'm so sorry that there are new members in our group but you are in a good place and the people here really understand what you are going through.

This is absolutely a nightmare but things will get better in time and you will see the light again. I promise.

Please keep posting and if you can read the previous thread, that will be helpful too.

When I came here first I had no clue about how to proceed or what to do and this website helped me so much that I will forever be grateful that it exists.

I will comeback later with a few posts my friends. Please know that you are not alone and that you will be ok no matter what.

((((Hugs everyone)))

HowIsThisReal posted 11/24/2016 06:54 AM

Hope everyone is able to have some kind of a decent Thanksgiving today. Hugs to all.

Trippd posted 11/25/2016 18:20 PM

Thank you, it's been really hard being at thanksgiving dinner and faking the holiday cheer. But on the bright side, being around family does help distract.
On the note of his actions matching his words, that's where the real problem was. I always thought his actions matched his words and it wasn't until a stupid slip up on his part that I caught. So it's really hard to believe because apparently all along when I thought he could never lie to me so effectively and that everything matched up, I was wrong. I feel like I keep repeating myself over and over
Can I demand he do things for me? Like can I demand that he tells me at all times where he is and proves it or is that abusing my power? Can I demand that he deletes his dating site profiles or is he supposed to do that on his own?

[This message edited by Trippd at 6:21 PM, November 25th (Friday)]

BallofPain posted 11/27/2016 02:31 AM

Hey guys,

I don't post here as much as I want to. Part of it is a busy life. A bigger part of it is me trying so hard not to relive all the pain.

It saddens me that there are a few new people here in this neck of the woods. But, rest assured, you're among some pretty good supports. In fact, I don't think I would even be remotely ok if I didn't find this site. I was so very lost but some people here (especially on this thread) helped get me started. And if IC wasn't available, then I'd turn to here.

Lavabear, your WH has some similarities to my ex. You're right, a trauma in childhood can lead to such pain later in life. How is he doing? How are you doing? I remember being in your stage of this process and it is terrifying.

Trippd, I always hoped that I would be the youngest to go through something like this. I am so sorry that this happened to you. To answer your questions, demand is a bit of a strong word but it is needed. You can ask. And all you can do really is see if he does it. No, it is not abusing your power. He has hurt you in unimaginable ways. This whole mess, is probably going to affect you for a long time. It's up to him to help you feel safe again. And he has to be willing to do that in order to help you recover from all this.


My advice to you guys is know your limits, set your limits and stick by them. Example, I put down the limit of if he is not willing to go to IC or put any work into our relationship, I'm gone. Or, if he cheats again, I'm gone. Something like that. It doesn't need to be right away, it doesn't even need to be that detailed. Just, start making a plan. It helped me a lot.

My next advice is that you guys know your partners better than most people. No one knows you more than you. You guys are going to or already have gotten a lot of advice. It's up to you to take what works and leave the rest. If someone starts to get pushy, you don't need that in your life right now, not ever.

Trippd posted 11/27/2016 11:24 AM

Wow. I just found out more.
What I thought had been happening for 1.5 years wasn't even all of it. He was talking to one girl for a year on the phone almost every night after we would get off the phone. He basically had a second relationship. Fuck. how do I deal with this? This is not ok!! He says he doesn't even know her name or anything and that it was purely sexual talk but then why go back to the same person for a year. And the. He stopped and proposed to me and then for the next year and a half he was doing the Craigslist thing. Shit shit shit! This hurts so bad i just want someone to hold me.
Do I even have any reasons to stay? I look at it and he's been disloyal to me since right after our son was born! 3years ago.
I want someone to make it go away. Wake me up from this terrible dream because it hurts so much.

HowIsThisReal posted 11/27/2016 12:16 PM

Can I demand he do things for me? Like can I demand that he tells me at all times where he is and proves it or is that abusing my power? Can I demand that he deletes his dating site profiles or is he supposed to do that on his own?

Hell yes you can demand those things. His actions that follow will help you gauge his dedication. He blatantly abused his own power within your M, your reaction to his actions is not an abuse of power, it's self preservation.

My FWH was desperate to do anything to prove to me that he wanted to change and that he wanted to save our M.

He immediately deleted all CL ads on his own, he gave me the password to his secret email (he had deleted all emails though) and he voluntarily installed a family GPS app on his phone and an app called "accountable2you" which tells me literally EVERYTHING he does on his phone. He's never complained about having them on there and he's never attempted to uninstall them.

He looked for and found IC 2 days after we came home from out of state.

I took my kids and left for a week after d-day, my H was shattered.
I texted him when I was 2 hours away telling him to figure out a way to get the car, because my dad was meeting me to drive us the remainder of the trip.

He knew if I ever found out, that the outcome would be "bad", but he didn't realize just HOW bad. He thought we'd fight and move on like the adults in his family always had. He went into absolute panic mode when we left while he was at work the day after d-day.

Of course, almost no WS is going to be perfect or a "model WS" right away. My H fucked up in 2 areas, post d-day...

He went and had one more CL hookup while I was out of town, after a week of me being gone.
He had been bawling all week, unable to eat, etc. He became suicidal the day before I was coming home, I guess the reality hit him that we were coming back and life was about to change.

So when he had another opportunity, he likely wanted to escape the pain of our impeding D. I had told him our M was over, so I guess he figured he could go escape his soon to be reality, without guilt.

The other, was the TT, he was trying to save himself, and hurt me less, so he lied about the length of time it went on. Went from me thinking it was 4 years, to figuring out it was 7, and that nearly crushed me, as that was half our M. That TT set me back a lot.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. The extended length of time really hurts me too. I feel like HALF of our M is based on lies.

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