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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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BallofPain posted 10/14/2016 18:55 PM

HITR, it's hard to say really. There are times I wish I knew what they looked like because then I wouldn't have been so paranoid with everyone I knew was gay. I had a couple of gay coworkers and I had such a hard time working with them because I kept thinking "were you one of them?"
And now, everytime I see anyone on a mask or a pup play garb, I trigger.

FairytaleLost, I dealt with daily reminders by shutting myself away from the world. Cmego or LMM (I forgot who) told me try cocooning myself. Granted, I also sought distractions along the lines of joining a debate group and meeting new friends.

I came home from a fantastic weekend only to see ex's vehicle parked outside a house by my condo. I see he's up to his old antics. Argh argh argh argh, go away!

HowIsThisReal posted 10/15/2016 22:27 PM

Oh no, that must be hard to have to see his car nearby.

Part of me wants to know what this lady looks like to compare myself to her, part of me doesn't. I asked him how skinny the women were that he had sex with and he said "they were all different body types". I'm having a really hard time with my weight right now, so I'm seeming to focus on that.

Obviously I can't physically compare myself to the men.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 4:37 PM, October 16th (Sunday)]

cmego posted 10/16/2016 20:38 PM

Hello all! Thought I'd stop in and just see how everyone was doing. I'm now close to seven years post D-Day, and close to six years post separation. For me, I don't know that the triggers will ever 100% go away. But, I have learned how to control them for the most part. I recognize the trigger, tell myself I'm triggering, tell myself that was in the past, and can move forward with relative ease.

I remarried last year to a wonderful man, and have a very different life than I did seven years ago.

Things have escalated recently with ex because of some issues with our children, and I realized that my ex will never change. I look at our situation like a chess game, I do what has to be done and stay on the highroad as best I can. Check. Check. Check. I'm doing this so that my future and our children's future will be secure. Sometimes I have to swallow my instinct and need for self protection in order to give my children a better life. I just distance myself from ex, keep all boundaries strong. Move the chess piece.

My best advice is not to focus on them. Focus on yourself. Appreciate what you do have and not what you don't. I was single for a long time post separation. I worried I was not going to find another partner, but what happened was that I Took that time to heal and refocus my life. That healing then brought new opportunities, because I was looking for healthier relationships. My now husband and I are both BS's, so sometimes we can just look at the other person and say "you are triggering", but that is few and far between now. Finding the right partner will help you heal some of the last painful spots. It took a long time for me to be ready for a new relationship, four years actually.

The hardest thing about all of this is simply time. Give yourself time to heal. I was definitely in the 3 to 5 year healing time frame. I made mistakes, I learned from those mistakes, and I made my life better.

I still don't like being around gay people, It's still a small trigger, but I don't avoid gay men anymore. It's more that I feel "flat". Considering what I went through I take that as a win!

Hang in there you guys. Take it easy on yourself, focus on your self, and the future. You're not the asshole whisperer, you will never change another person.

HowIsThisReal posted 10/17/2016 11:35 AM

Just curious -- Am I the only one trying to R in this section?

Ifeelalone posted 10/17/2016 16:15 PM

Me... For now, but there is zero room for error. He's also a SA. I feel your pain and frustration and confusion.

monika posted 10/18/2016 03:59 AM

No, I am also trying hard to reconcile. My husband is bisexual, he had ONS twice with random gay friends. My husband is very remorseful and basically does all the things he should, however, that sucks... I have jut hit the anger phase and everything is difficult.
We are stuck in some hard conversations... Related to him being a bisexual, our former communication in this matter etc.
I am feeling bad these days, like I could hardly go on with my everyday duties. It hurts, simply hurts very much and I do not know how to cope with all this shit. I thought I have an amazing man by my side.
My situation is more complex as I am a madhatter. I had an affair with a friend years ago. My husband knew how it hurts however, he did it to me despite this...
Terrible feeling.
Sorry for my English. It's not my first language. I live in Germany and come from Eastern Europe.

HowIsThisReal posted 10/18/2016 20:46 PM

Hugs to everyone trying to R. It isn't easy.

My H had his first IC session today. She is coming up with a treatment plan, and said he has a lot to work on. She also doesn't think he's a SA, just like his last IC.

He told her about the same gender stuff and how he feels he isn't gay or bi, and she said finding out why he did these things is something they'll work through in treatment.

And he still swears that he isn't. Only time will tell I guess, along with lots of IC. I'm just glad he's digging in again and trying to find out the root of his issues.

brokenheartwife1 posted 10/19/2016 15:38 PM

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I found out this summer that my husband had an affair with a man for a brief stint while I was away at college. We've been together since we were 16 and I had no clue he was bisexual. Initially I thought he must be gay. But he came home from work when I found out and cried and told me he's bisexual. He said he's always tried to tell me but he's been afraid I would judge him or leave him.

He's my absolute best friend and I don't want to leave him. We both want to make this work, but it hurts so bad. Sometimes I see things that remind me of the text messages I read that morning and I go into a state of depression. It's only been a few months, so I guess that's expected. It's just hard when I truly know he loves me, but I also know he's attracted to men. We've talked many times about this attraction and he has explained that he prefers women over men in every way. I know everyone says don't believe anything he says because he lied, but these conversations have been very real and very deep. I believe him because he's become more open about his sexuality and also, in order to R I think it's important to not doubt 100% of his words.

What makes our situation so difficult is I found out the day before he went out to sea (he's in the Navy). This whole healing process has been broken up with all of the distance between us...he's returned home since I found out, but he still has to leave from time to time. And no, he's not having sex with any of the men on the ship, nobody knows his sexuality.

I understand the "need" to relate with people that are like you and share your sexuality, what kills me were the sexual text messages and the one person that he actually went off and hung out with and had sex with twice. Since I found out, it appears that that all has ended, but I'm very nervous to trust again. I guess it just takes time. Once the distance between us ends, I hope I'll be able to better figure this out...

HowIsThisReal posted 10/20/2016 20:28 PM

So sorry you're here brokenheartedwife. The distance must make things hard to deal with. Has your H agreed to IC? Have you looked into IC? I had to see a therapist initially just to say it out loud to someone neutral.

Shock1 posted 10/24/2016 16:06 PM

Just found out my WW had been to counseling for homosexual feelings before we got married. She never mentioned this, we even went through pre marriage counseling to air out dirty secrets. I'm was so angry when I found out, I always wonder why our marriage was so hard. I feel so used and betrayed. So much wasted time trying to make someone love you when they were just hiding in the closet. Sorry for the rant, but had to get it out there. I'm better today as I move forward with life.

Now the best revenge is to live life and be happy.


sisoon posted 10/25/2016 09:40 AM

That's awful, Shock1. I'm very sorry you're experiencing this.

Shock1 posted 10/25/2016 13:59 PM

Thanks, I waited over a year before filing, so have a couple months until it's official with the government.
Had I known this I would have filed the day she moved in with her AP.

But it gave me time to heal. Would have needed that time it either way.
I feel like I'm getting back to my old self. I started to visit old friends, and just enjoy life.

HowIsThisReal posted 10/25/2016 20:29 PM

So sorry shock1, that must be a hard thing to find out.

countrydirt posted 10/26/2016 12:14 PM

Newbie here. I'm about 3-4 months post DD. My wife had an EA with her partnered supervisor. As far as I can tell it never progressed past racy texts and phone conversations and didn't really start until after my wife had accepted a new job and was just finishing out her contract.

I don't know anything about sexuality being fluid. WW swears that this was her first SS attraction in her 52 years on the earth. Somehow, admiration for her supervisor turned into a crush and was progressing to become a full blown PA when I found out.

We've been married over 27 years and have 3 sons. She willingly took on the role of mother. She also put on a lot of weight and soon after son #2 was born, started shutting down the intimacy to no more than once a month which soon went to less often than that. We'd not had sex in over 5 years before this came up.

I'm accepting responsibility for my part in becoming emotionally distant. I could only take rejection in the bedroom and all over the house and in life so much before I shut down myself.

This past year, she took a new teaching job in a different district and seemed to be doing quite well. I was proud of the teaching work she was doing and tried to be as encouraging as possible. I noticed that she seemed to be eating better and was losing weight and tried to compliment her as much as possible.

In March or April of this year, her weight loss was very noticeable and I even said, "You are looking great. I want to try and seduce you, but I've forgotten how,' and even told her that I was afraid of being rejected yet again. At the same time she was spending longer hours at school and was spending some social time after school with other teachers.

After I I told her that I wanted to seduce her, she seemed pretty quiet for a few days. One afternoon she came home and just said, "I guess the seducing means we just hop in bed and see what happens." So we did and it was good. From that day, she came home every day and we had sex.

I started wondering what was going on and even asked her if she had any ideas about what could have triggered this dramatic change. She said she had no idea. I started suspecting an affair almost immediately. AT the time, I only thought it would have to be another man.

I also noticed that she now had her phone with her at all times and had stopped using the voice text feature and was typing in the messages. I would find her texting early in the mornings and late in the evenings. I knew something was going on. In early to mid July I discovered that I could see a log of text messages sent on our cell phone account. One number kept coming up to the tune of thousands of messages sent and received. And the messages were coming at all hours from 5:00 a.m. until well after midnight. At the same time, she was not responding to all of my messages in a timely fashion. I could see where I would send her a message and several hours later she responded to me, but there were dozens of other messages to the same number in between. I asked her about the delay and she said that her battery was almost dead, so she had to charge her phone.

One night, after I had given her an orgasm, I said, "I want you to know that I am the best lover you will ever have." She hesitated and then said, "I've never even looked at another man." That's when I wondered if it could be another woman.

She went away to her sister's for a long weekend and to go to a concert. And yes, that was where she was. But the text delay for my messages still remained and I saw from the log that she was texting the OW. She was still giving me the excuse of her battery being drained, so I decided that I would buy her a new battery and deal with that issue.

She came home from the trip and immediately ran upstairs to the bathroom for about 20 minutes. This was after a 2+ hour drive, so not that strange. I later found out that she ran up there to masturbate after a 2+ hour phone conversation on the drive. After she came out, I asked for her phone to replace the battery. She handed it right over and it was off. I put the new battery in and set it to charging. I turned it on and the first message I saw was where she said, "I have no doubt that we will end of in bed together soon." I stunningly shut it back down and went and just stared blankly at the wall.

In a while, my wife got on the phone to text with someone and told me that her and a girlfriend were going to go out together the next day. I said, "You've been gone for 3 or 4 days and you want to go out with someone else instead of your husband and son?" and left the room.

She came upstairs and said that she would change her plans and that was okay. Went went to bed and I just laid there, with my eyes open for most of the night. I noticed that she continued to text well into the night (trying to hide it by rolling over on her side and hiding the light). After a night of no sleep for me, I finally got up around 3:00 a.m. and stood at the window staring out at the lights of the city. I glanced down and saw her phone lying there, so I picked it up and opened the messages. I was stunned, to say the least. They were planning to get together the next day and get physical. I was going to be out of town, so no one would be the wiser

I went downstairs and just sat there in disbelief. How could this be happening. She came tripping downstairs around 7 with a smile on her face and started to make her morning tea. I went to the kitchen and told her what I had discovered and that I didn't have any idea what to do about it. I told her that I had suspected something for about a month but thought it was with someone else.

She collapsed to the floor and started crying. I asked her if she was gay or bisexual and she said no, she was pretty sure she wasn't.

To make a long story even longer, over the course of several days, including while I was gone out of town, she kept up with the texting and even went and met the OW, with the intention of breaking it off. Turns out the fire had been put out, but it was still smoldering.

She had several dizzy spells and ended up going to the dr. She told the doc everything and tried to make sense of it. The doc was pretty sure she was on drugs of some sort. He did say that hormonal swings from menopause could cause it, but didn't rule out anything. Several blood draws later and other tests, he still didn't know anything other than she is very healthy.

Now, almost 4 months later, I'm still wondering what the fuck went on. She's always been straight as an arrow. We are doing all the stuff we need to in order to reconcile, but I have my periods of doubt.

HowIsThisReal posted 10/27/2016 14:47 PM

Welcome CountryDirt, but also sorry you have to be here. I also suspected cheating, but NEVER with the same gender. It really throws us BSs for a loop. Not only is our world shattered but then we have to overcome this aspect of it as well.

Your wife is hopefully open to seeing a therapist.

My H also swears he isn't gay or bi, so now he's seeing a therapist to find out what could make him stray so very far from his core values, and what would make him betray his own sexual identity by having sex with men.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 3:34 PM, October 28th (Friday)]

countrydirt posted 10/27/2016 16:39 PM

Thanks HITR. It has been a strange journey, for sure. Completely unexpected and that seems to be the same thing on my wife's part. We have no real idea and IC didn't seem to reveal anything either.

We're on a good path to R, with little bumps along the way. OW's partner is aware so she is going through similar wondering - other than the same sex thing. OW is a partnered lesbian.

HowIsThisReal posted 11/3/2016 18:56 PM

Today marks a year from d-day.

BallofPain posted 11/5/2016 06:09 AM

Welcome Countrydirt. I'm really sorry that you're here.

I, too, suspected cheating but didn't expect it would be with the same gender. By 4 months, I was still very confused and lost. I was going through a huge mix of emotions that I'm sure you know all too well now.

It hurts to be cheated on. It hurt that much more to be thrown in for that kind of loop. It's certainly not an easy thing to go through.

How are you doing now? Take care of yourself.


Hugs to you HITR. The first antiversary is really tough.

I went through a rough night tonight. I was at work when I walked into a room to triage a dog. The owner was almost the spitting image of my ex. A million emotions was going through me. This client, his mannerisms were similar to how my ex was when I first met him. That seemed to dig in so much more. He mentioned a wife. I remember a thought flashing in my head, "Are you cheating on her too? Couldn't keep your dick out of an ass, eh?". I kept my mouth shut. I left the room feeling physically weak.
The time came to discharge his dog to him. I handed him the instructions and the dog and bid him a good evening. Once he left, I uttered to my friend and coworker "He looks just like my ex..." and collapsed on the reception chair.

I thought I was getting better. I know that I didn't walk away from that relationship scot free. I wish I did. I don't want to always be like this.

countrydirt posted 11/7/2016 14:02 PM

Thanks BallofPain. I am doing okay. We had it out again, over the weekend, because she and the OW were continuing to communicate. I finally (3 months + after dday) asked to to never contact the OW because as long as she had a relationship with her, it was in the way of us. She agreed. She also agreed to attend MC (she's avoided until now) and we are moving in a better direction. First session is on Thursday.

I had to let it go, completely. Otherwise I could not approach forgiveness, reconciliation or my own mental healing. I just tell myself that I won't obsess about it and have made it for 2 days without wallowing in the mud of my mind.

LavaBear posted 11/20/2016 16:33 PM

I recently posted in the Just Found Out about my H who is bisexual. I have known this from the beginning and he's always been honest about it. My story is there and I can't bring myself to retell it here, but I'm glad this thread exists for those of us in our unique situation. I have read a few of the posts here and I'm glad people have been able to make things work with their WS. I will definitely be reading back through other posts her as well.
Thank you to Skan and Confused615 for directing me here.

[This message edited by LavaBear at 4:36 PM, November 20th (Sunday)]

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