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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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BallofPain posted 8/20/2016 15:39 PM

LMM, I have noticed a difference since I first got here. I no longer sob every time I post something. Gosh, did everybody do that? I sure hope I'm not the only one!

I just feel like I've hit some kind of plateau. I've changed my life around a lot. I moved in with a roommate who we've agreed to live separate lives. I've cut many friends out of my life. I'm so used to change that now, I don't know what to do next to keep going. I've kind of associated change with healing that because my life isn't changing, I'm no longer healing.

Cloudyrain posted 8/22/2016 15:26 PM

Hi.
Sorry to hear how everyone's having a tough time. It is inspiring to hear of people who have got to the other side.

It's my wedding anniversary today, the first since DDay and im not doing too well. I've been out with the kids a bit today had a nice lunch out. The youngest was then naughty all afternoon and still isn't asleep now. I feel overwhelmed and upset.

I had been hoping the STBXWH might contact me today, be remorseful and beg for me back. Well no. But he has emailed me to ask how im going with sorting out the money and benefits I can receive. It feels like a massive kick when I'm down. He could have sent that tomorrow. Doing it today got my hopes up seeing his name then reading the same old drivel from him. How heartless can he be. He knows I didn't want the D. Can he not think I might be struggling today.

Also after all his insistence of wanting more contact with the kids as he has time of work I offered him the whole week and he's said he only wants 2 days. Its all talk about how much he wants to see them. I was really looking forward to a break. And then my 2 older kids have said they don't want to see him at all so no break for me. I feel selfish for saying that but I need a rest.

Cloudyrain

confused615 posted 8/22/2016 15:58 PM

Every mother needs a rest..a break from her chikdren...once in awhile. That's doesn't make you selfish..it means you're human.

I've been reading your posts on the divorce forum. I think your wh just likes to jerk you around. I think he takes pleasure in it.

Are you in IC?


Millions of hugs to you today.

Cloudyrain posted 8/22/2016 17:53 PM

Thanks Confused615. I really do need a break. I just can't have one unless wh steps up and has all the kids.

Yikes could STBXWH really be taking pleasure in messing me around!! That's worrying I had never considered that before.

I am in IC but only one more session left. It has been very good and me and the counsellor seem to have come to the conclusion wh is a narcissist, very controlling of me, has addictions, sex, drinking and gambling. So has massive highs and lows With these. And is an unstable person to be around. She recommends I divorce and seperate all ties with him. She said sometimes people can change but his behaviour seems to be escalating again and he's not doing any work on himself, he's gone right back to rhe rhings he liked to do. Interesting and scary stuff. I hadn't realised a counsellor would or could be so vocal I thought it was more about listening to the patient.

Only a few more minutes of this day left then I have got through the day.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 8/22/2016 18:48 PM

I just feel like I've hit some kind of plateau. I'm so used to change that now, I don't know what to do next to keep going. I've kind of associated change with healing that because my life isn't changing, I'm no longer healing.

What if you can change other things BOP?

In my case I have changed very little outside (altought inside I am 1000% different).

Maybe you need to change thoughts, feelings, hobbies, interests, goals, reactions to everyday situations etc.

When I was 27 my father comitted suicide and at first I believed I was not going to heal and that I was going to be a traumatized and damaged individual forever.

But I healed from that and in fact his suicide served as a kind of a driving force for me because I changed my life after he died.

I changed my lifestyle and promise myself to eat well and exercise, worked smarter and harder and my work became famous in Spain in Mexico, opened my business etc.

I am sure that our reactions to these situations are more important than anything else.

For example in that case I made that decision and use the suicide of my father to drive me to great things.

Now that I feel better and have a great deal of healing and inner work I am making new decisions that I am sure will lead me to be greater than before.

A few months ago I was feeling very victimized, but this is true BOP... I believe that you can have a great life.

You WILL, I am sure

Lovingmyselfmore posted 8/22/2016 19:04 PM

(((Cloudyrain)))

I remember feeling like you the first months after dday and was incredibly painful.

The first year after dday I was still in love with him and now I don't love him anymore.

I simply know that I loved who I believed he was but not HIM exactly.

Who he really is ... is unlovable to me.

I remember reading an article from one of my favorite teachers (Dr. Dain Heer) when I was feeling so sad and in the article he formulates a question that goes like this:

What else is possible now that wasn't possible when we were together?

That question opened my eyes.

What else is possible now that wasn't possible when we were together?

A lot of things that were not possible before are now possible, for example:

-I can find a good man,
-I will not have to be looking for evidence that he is cheating on me,
-I am free to travel and actually enjoy it,
-I don't have to put his children first in all my plans
-I can have sex with a lot of men if I want to
-I am free of this nightmare


Our mind is only focused on what we are losing but not on what is possible and what we could be gaining.

What can be possible for you Cloudyrain?

I am sure you are only giving thought to what you perceive you are losing but not to other possibilities that are very TRUE for you.

Either a new relationship, friendships, fun, sex, money, work, travel, world service, creativity, having a killing-sexy body...

What else is possible now that he is not dimming your light?


BallofPain posted 8/26/2016 20:38 PM

Antiversaries suck so much. The first one sucks. The wedding fever around me sucks. My friend being all "when we get married blah blah blah" sucks. I'm sad, I'm angry. Why me? What have I done to deserve all this? I finally get my hours back at work (they were cut due to bad performance brought on by the infidelity and subsequent break up) and I end up working a ton.

Why me at this age? Why can't I be flaunting my relationship status? Why is it everytime I do something cool for myself (ie go to a concert by myself) I get looks of pity?

I've changed so much. I plan to travel, I'm not as obsessed with work, I'm always on the go now. I have made a good life by myself.

Why does it feel like I can't catch a break?

HowIsThisReal posted 8/27/2016 14:32 PM

I'm sad, I'm angry. Why me? What have I done to deserve all this?

I think this all the time.

Don't let people get you down, maybe you're just thinking you're getting looks of pity. I wish I had the guts to go to a concert by myself. I think that you rock in that aspect, I'm truly jealous that you've built yourself up like that.

HowIsThisReal posted 8/27/2016 14:40 PM

I'm having a harder week than I have in a while. I'm crying constantly. I'm triggering constantly. Usually weekends are ok because H is home and I am generally in a good mood around him, he's funny and we joke and have a good time in each other's company.

But this week, it's been hell. We text about how low we both are. H has told me that he often wishes he'd get hit by a car on the way home because he hates feeling, seeing and experiencing the pain of what he's done to us.

I feel like a legitimate crazy person because I can't control my triggers, it's ok and then BOOM, a trigger is in my face, breaking me down. I told H it's similar to people who hear voices, they don't want to but the voices are there and won't stop. I feel like I'm not in control of my own body, the anxiety, the triggers, etc. even the noticing of other men has me hyper aware. I NEVER really noticed other men until after dday. Now I do and I don't like it. It makes me feel sick, and guilty. My eyes were drawn to a guy at the store today, I thought "he's cute" (that alone makes me cringe, I want to go back to only having eyes for H) and then I saw his daughter walking behind him, pushing one of those mini shopping carts. My heart went cold, I had just checked out this little girl's FATHER. I felt like a pig.

I know we both need to get back to therapy, but we can't afford it at the moment.

How are you that are trying R doing lately? Does R seem like it'll ever really happen, or do you think we will ride this roller coaster for ever?

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 2:46 PM, August 27th (Saturday)]

BallofPain posted 8/30/2016 12:01 PM

Thank you HITR. I'm hoping I'm only thinking I'm getting looks of pity. I just feel so confused nowadays. Like, I believe I am this wonderful person. That I truly deserve to be happy. Why is it I feel like I'm not getting it? Why is it everytime I feel a scrap of happiness, it's taken away from me?

HITR, I don't think you're a pig at all. Give it time, it takes time to have eyes for your husband again.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 9/1/2016 15:51 PM

Hi everyone,

My 2 year antiversary is approaching and I am not sure how I will react.

Last year I was still in the darkness.

I remember about a reality program that started exactly one year ago... and how depressed I felt when it started and how sad I felt when it ended last november.

**I Felt some times like I Was Not Gonna Make it.**

This year I am excited that halloween is coming and want to do stuff with my dogs. I have other projects for the Autum. I am finally breathing.

People who says it takes 2-5 years to heal are RIGHT. I didn't want to believe it at first but it's true, it took me 2 years to leave the darkness behind.

On weekend I went to a little trip with my niece and we laughed all the way there and all the time there and all the way back! I can't believe how much fun I had with my beloved niece.

What a difference 2 years make.

And what a difference after dday (I was barely talking to my niece or anyone!)

last year I had anxiety when I left home ... so I didn't go to any place (kind of agoraphobia I believe).

I am dreading this year's antiversay. Maybe will be coming to post in our forum more often if I feel bad.

Thanks for listening and please believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is light my friends.

Meditation helped me immensely. I am now peaceful and have gone through several layers in this discipline. My mind is more under my command thanks to meditation.

It's a great tool.

(((((hugs everyone)))))


Lovingmyselfmore posted 9/6/2016 11:31 AM

Just a few days more and it will be the 2 year antiversary

I don't feel good but not as bad as last year.

My friends are in new relationships now and I'm still single. I can't believe the depression I went through and never imagined that this kind of pain existed.

I just want to hide from the world

sisoon posted 9/6/2016 16:59 PM

What? Because you're single?

There's a great chance you're making a 50 year decision. Take your time. Really know yourself. Have faith in yourself.

You want good decisions, not quick ones.

I'm glad the 2 year anti is better than the 1 year. They keep getting better....

Lovingmyselfmore posted 9/6/2016 19:42 PM

Thank you Sissoon,

Yes you are right it probably will be a 50 year decision!

Even though I feel like crap sometimes due to depression, I know it will not be forever and maybe will live a looooot of years.

I hope life keeps getting better.

SuperNBD posted 9/7/2016 22:09 PM

@Cloudyrain :
keep working on detaching. He doesn't care about the family he left. He wants fast & easy sex and likely drugs. You and the children are not on his mind. He might as well be a meth-head. (I ended up in this section from another post of yours).

You are already D. His life is no longer yours, he left the marriage and it had nothing to do with you. When you heal, you will meet someone else.

@HowIsThisReal:

"I'm almost positive he probably had anal sex with the women he hooked up with as well. I've never asked I guess.
But with men, it's like I KNOW they did, because what other way CAN you have male on male sex?"

Why not ask him? If you two are in R, then being open and truthful is part of the process. If you are wondering today what he DID or did not do, and won't ask - how are you going to know 5 years from now? And if it was something you can deal with? My WW had anal sex with another man... okay, I can deal with it. Wouldn't be the first time for her.

So ask your H, your fears and concerns to make sure it's something YOU can handle for a successful R. He should be able to tell you and then you can work it out if you can deal with it, rather than wondering / mind-movies.

*Hate those mind movies*. One of the things that bothered me was the idea of intimacy in which the OM would stroke his fingers through my wife's hair. It bothered me. We talked about it, and no - they didn't do that. Just various sex acts, which still bothered me on the physical level.

Now, about your statement "WHAT OTHER WAY CAN YOU HAVE MALE ON MALE SEX". There is oral sex. Kissing, hugging, loving, etc. Man on man sex isn't about *anal sex.*. Its about being attracted to another man, just as YOU were/are attracted to men. Many years ago, a gay couple who have been together for 20 years, said they DON'T do anal sex. It's not their thing.

Blew my mind.

A lot of couples of M/F have anal sex (Even women with strap-on) - and yet, they are not gay or bi.

SuperNBD posted 9/7/2016 22:25 PM

HowIsThisReal:

I NEVER really noticed other men until after dday. Now I do and I don't like it. It makes me feel sick, and guilty. My eyes were drawn to a guy at the store today, I thought "he's cute" (that alone makes me cringe, I want to go back to only having eyes for H) and then I saw his daughter walking behind him, pushing one of those mini shopping carts. My heart went cold, I had just checked out this little girl's FATHER. I felt like a pig.

I know we both need to get back to therapy, but we can't afford it at the moment.


I KNOW that feeling too, of checking out others - and thinking that way. I didn't like it, I hated it. I'm working through it with IC. But haven not told my WW about it in private or MC because:
A - I don't want her thinking *I* don't want us to work things out.
B - Its a healing process.
C - I had started dating again when she decided to go to MC and work on us. I am no longer dating anyone else.
D - Telling her, won't actually HELP us in R. At least I don't think so. Otherwise, I'm quite open to her about my feelings and such.

It kind of FELT good to be able to feel that way, but that is when you are trying to move on, not when you are trying to reconcile.

HowIsThisReal posted 9/8/2016 15:43 PM

Why not ask him? If you two are in R, then being open and truthful is part of the process. If you are wondering today what he DID or did not do, and won't ask - how are you going to know 5 years from now? And if it was something you can deal with? My WW had anal sex with another man... okay, I can deal with it. Wouldn't be the first time for her.

So ask your H, your fears and concerns to make sure it's something YOU can handle for a successful R. He should be able to tell you and then you can work it out if you can deal with it, rather than wondering / mind-movies.

I ask him everything, literally every single thing that enters my head. He's very open and answers everything. I tend to ask him more about what he did with men, because that aspect bothers me more. It's like I want to know just HOW FAR he compromised his own values, morals and boundaries. How far did he allow himself to step over these lines that he thought he would never cross.

I've never asked him about anal sex with women because I guess I just don't care as much. I mean I CARE that he cheated, be it with women or men, but at least I KNEW him as someone who previously had sex with women before we were married. He wasn't someone who would have sex with a man, not the person I knew anyway,

And when I say sex I mean penetration. I know there are other ways and he's done some of them, but penetration is one of the worst things for my mind to overcome.

HowIsThisReal posted 9/12/2016 18:56 PM

It's been so bad for us for about a month now. I feel like I'm in denial. How can I say my H has been with men, then turn around and say 'but he swears he's not gay"! I look like an idiot.

He SWEARS he isn't, and his therapist has said she doesn't believe he is. She also says he's the only one who can possibly know his own sexual orientation. No one can answer that for him, no matter what his actions were.

But doesn't all sex with the same gender = gay or bi!?!?!

I'm feeling like a lunatic lately. I don't want D, I love him but I'm ashamed and disgusted too.

Like really!? Not only did he cheat on me, but he had to give me the ultimate mind FUCK by fucking men!?!?
And then claiming he isn't gay and only wants me!? I don't know which way is up!

And in addition to that, he is a fucking "model wayward". He has shown remorse, he's done everything right after D-day, I should be happy and thankful, right? A lot of BSs on here would be envious of how much of a fucking "model wayward" he is. But it's almost like a bigger mindfuck, I feel like this SHOULD be a positive, having a model wayward. But in reality, my head spins trying to figure it all out. I can't even bring myself to hate him, because he's fighting so hard for us.

Why would he bother putting up with my verbal ABUSE night after night if he really doesn't love me?
Why bother putting up with all of this deep introspection and painful digging up of his past?

If he has any inkling of a thought that he might be gay. Now would be the time to make a clean break and go discover himself and his sexuality without having to come home and lie to anyone. Yet he keeps fighting for me, for our family.

I'm so confused I literally feel like my head might very well explode sometimes.

I am trying a free 7 day trial of better help to see if it eases my pain.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 8:47 PM, September 12th (Monday)]

sisoon posted 9/13/2016 10:02 AM

If your H truly (i.e. without lying to himself) enjoys sex with you, he's almost definitely not gay. My understanding is that gay people are generally turned off by heterosexual sex.

If he enjoyed sex with a man and sex with you, he's probably bi, IMO.

I assume you want a monogamous M. If he's bi and monogamous, is that OK with you? (There's no wrong answer to that question.)

I agree with you - if he vehemently denies something, something fishy could very well be going on in his head.

monika posted 9/13/2016 12:01 PM

My husband claims to be bisexual. He behaves like yours, he is remorseful and does everything he can to fix ourrelationship and make our family survive. He told me once in the past that he might be bisexual. However I did not take is seriously...I doubted. So now when I know he had ONS with a man twice, I know he was serious...
We talk about what does it mean to him to be bisexual. We talk about it a lot...I have to know everything...
He claims he is able to be monogamous. His ONS were a few years ago and he has been monogamous since then...I try to believe it. If he is bisexual but monogamous- it is OK for me. I am 6 months past DDay and I try to believe and trust a bit...

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