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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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Maryjen posted 8/2/2016 09:47 AM

So today WH and I have our first appointment with MC. From all the reading on this site I was thinking we should wait to go into MC, but my IC and his IC both think it is a good idea to start now......so we will give it a try.

My benefits assign an MC based on their specialty and location so I don't really get the chance to pick one or ask questions ( I can request another one if it isn't a good fit).

Any suggestions about things to ask her going in, or things to watch for. I want to get an idea about what she is all about before diving right in. The IC they referred me to is great so I am hopeful

BallofPain posted 8/2/2016 14:24 PM

It's really tough from what I've read finding the right MC. I think there are similarities with an IC in that you have to feel comfortable talking wholeheartedly with this MC. If this MC starts making excuses for the cheater, it's a sign to consider running. If the MC minimizes or sweeps your pain under the rug, consider finding a different one.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 8/3/2016 18:02 PM

(((Empowered)))

I have missed you honey. I hope things are improving in your life.

I am relieved that you seem more relaxed and that you are past the worst part of this journey.

The firts months are terrible! I thought about suicide for a whole year or maybe a little more!

I think about you constantly

((((BOP)))))

You have a lot of things to be grateful for honey!! your wonderful cat is an angel!

I love my pets dearly and sometimes I believe they have been in charge of me since my dday.

(we sometimes believe are the caretakers of our pets but who knows? who knows who is in charge of whom? Without my dogs I might be dead by now they are sooo wonderful, amazing, smart, beautiful, lovely!)

I'm sorry that your mom doesn't understand you. My mom just listens to me... she has been listening for almost 2 years!

We used to have a very ugly relationship and now that she is older I think she is starting to maure

I value you a lot my dear friend and I am 100% sure that you will have a WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL life. Believe me, because you will value good people more than normal people who are your age.

You will value fidelity and truthfulness more,
You will have a different outlook in life.

I am grateful for the good people in this forum and I am thinking about all of you.

Maybe I would be dead without all the help I have received and without my wonderful dogs!

HowIsThisReal posted 8/8/2016 12:55 PM

So I was talking with some friends about "back door sex" and we were talking about who has tried it. H has never asked me, he has never wanted to try it, he always seemed a bit grossed out by it after his friend described a gross experience with his new wife, years and years ago.

I told them I haven't because my H has never really been into it. Then the anxiety shot through my body, and it was an instant trigger. My H isn't really into it, but he did it with men, and let men penetrate him as well. So IS he really not into it? Did he do it because it disgusted him and he was pushing those taboo boundaries?

Seriously, how the fuck are we supposed to come to terms with this shit?

My H has made me feel safe in all aspects, he's been a "model FWS" since a week after D-Day, he started seeing an IC immediately, he read "How to help your spouse heal from an affair", he recognizes and helps me with triggers, apologizes for them, etc. We have sex lately as much as we did when we were teenagers.

But the mind fuck that happens when your H cheats with women AND men sucks so much.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 12:58 PM, August 8th (Monday)]

Lovingmyselfmore posted 8/8/2016 17:46 PM

(((howisthisreal))))

But the mind fuck that happens when your H cheats with women AND men sucks so much.

You will heal in time. It will take time and for you to find new thoughts.

Lately I've been seeing men and women the same. I don't know how! maybe I asked to heal from the point of view (about homosexuals) that was hurting me and making me reject people who are just here in the planet suffering like the rest of us because their life is not what is supposed to be.

I had a moment of compassion and seeing the souls of everyone as asexual and that is helping me heal and see the beautiful souls of everyone.

I am sure that you will have many different points of view in the next few years and you will come and tell us that this isn't hurting you so much.

A year ago I didn't conceive the possibility of being alone without my ex... and now I don't conceive the thought of being by his side again

Things change so much in a year!

HowIsThisReal posted 8/8/2016 18:06 PM

I'm almost positive he probably had anal sex with the women he hooked up with as well. I've never asked I guess.

But with men, it's like I KNOW they did, because what other way CAN you have male on male sex?

So he never was into it with me (I'll be honest, I was thankful he wasn't all about it, as I never really wanted it either) but he certainly could go penetrate some dude's arse and let them stick it up his.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 7:01 PM, August 8th (Monday)]

Lovingmyselfmore posted 8/8/2016 18:47 PM

but he certainly could go penetrate some dude's arse and let them stick it up his.

This haunted me and hurt me like crazy and I coudln't stop thinking about it for almost 7 months.

It's PTSD

I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I understand what you are feeling 100%.and I thought I was going to be feeling like that my whole life but I am doing a lot better. It will get better for you too.

Hang in there.


HowIsThisReal posted 8/8/2016 19:46 PM

Sometimes I don't think about it, but then sometimes I'll sit and think "MY husband has has a dick in his ass" or "MY husband has fucked men", and on and on from there. I'll start getting mental images of my H on all fours getting screwed by some man. I just get so sad and depressed. It's not something that can ever be taken back, it's part of who he was now.

He and his IC say he isn't gay, but it still makes me wonder if he's checking out men. He says no way, he says he isn't attracted to men in that way, it was just what was easiest to find to escape reality. After the first time when he got "catfished" and still went through with it, the wall of shame was broken and he found it was MUCH easier to find men for sex than it was to find women.

The fact that he was trying to find sex elsewhere at all is still so painful.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 7:50 PM, August 8th (Monday)]

confused615 posted 8/9/2016 11:02 AM

Ugh. We have anal sex. Now I get to wonder, how often did he pretend I was a man?

HowIsThisReal posted 8/9/2016 12:14 PM

I've actually asked my H if he ever imagined me being a man. He said "hell no". When we first started having sex/HB after D-Day, the "doggie style" position freaked me out. I felt like he could easily just imagine a man and not have to see my face. I did bring it up to him and he said that's not what was going through his mind at all, and we stopped that position for a while.

I have voiced my concern with all of these things. I talked to him last night about what I posted here. He's always reassuring but it sucks that I have to think of it at all.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 12:15 PM, August 9th (Tuesday)]

confused615 posted 8/9/2016 12:42 PM

Oh, I've asked my husband the same thing...And got the same response.

But I still wonder. I always will.

My biggest hurdle, when it comes to mind movies, has been kissing my husband. I know what he did with that mouth. It disgusts me. Now, two gay men doing what they do, doesn't disgust me at all. But this is MY HUSBAND. And I have a right to be disgusted.

Ugh....And can I just say that it thoroughly pisses me off that I even have to say that on this thread...our safe place.

I'm not homophobic at all. But this is MY DAMN HUSBAND. I have a right to be disgusted by it.


Also...I noticed there was a thread recently about betrayed spouses triggering during sex scenes when watching TV...And not one person tried to shame them because of it.

Double standard?


Fuck that.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:43 PM, August 9th (Tuesday)]

Lovingmyselfmore posted 8/9/2016 14:56 PM

I've never had anal sex in my whole life.

What I will say is just my opinion and my experience with anal sex and maybe I am a nun or not normal when it comes to sex but this is one of the things that made me decide not to reconcile with my ex even though I was deeply in love with him and believed that we were the happiest people on earth.

I believe that if my ex took it in the ass... he liked it! He HAS to like it in order to allow it, because it is not easy to allow another man to give it to you in the ass I am a woman and have never allowed any man to do that to me! I believe it takes courage... or it takes you to be VERY horney!

Maybe I am wrong but I believe that any man who does that likes it a lot even though they don't accept it publicly.

Maybe I am wrong but that's what I think due to the fact that I have never had anal sex and it woudn't be ANY easy for me (I tried it when I was 18 and it hurts a lot, so I decided to never even try it again) but when I think about it... for me it would take:

1.-To be very horny
2.-To be forced
3.-To like it a lot
4.-To be soooo in love with that man
5.-Or maybe to be high

So far I think that would take for me to allow a man to have anal sex with me... but I am only 43 ... so I am very young and my experience could change in the next few years.

I am grateful that in fact I found out his secret life and that I am out of that relationship because I would be horrible to be in my 50s, or 60s, or 70s and find that I lived a lie all along the way and that he really didn't love me and that he liked men more than ME, and that he was a monster and I spent my whole life by his side.

It has been 2 years of this nightmare but maybe was the best for me and maybe the price to pay was low in comparison of staying in a relationship that was never going to flourish.

This is just my opinion.

((((((everyone))))))

HowIsThisReal posted 8/9/2016 17:11 PM

Yes, I told my H that he had to have liked it to allow it. He says he needed drugs every time to allow it to happen. Poppers and Molly, every time.

I think he probably does like ass play, I tried a finger back there a few times during the HB phase, while I was giving him a BJ and he liked it, I think it hit his prostrate at one point, and made him finish immediately. I just didn't feel comfortable with it though, it kind of triggered me in a way and honestly, it just wasn't something that turned me on, so after a few times I stopped. He's never asked for it again.

And in my H's instance, it seems the more taboo, gross and degrading, the more it was fantasy land and an escape from reality. He could like it and not necessarily be gay because it wasn't "real life" and the rules didn't apply in fantasy land. He could fuck other women as well, and it wouldn't affect me in any way, because it wasn't "real life" and the rules didn't apply in fantasy land. It was all that sort of mentality with him.

He tells me over and over that he was happy in our marriage, that when he was with me he was WITH ME, not thinking about his dirty, secret life.

I think to a certain point, he's telling the truth, maybe in the early years of his cheating he didn't spend his time with me, thinking of his next CL fuck... but it seems he escalated. The year leading up to Dday, he wasn't "with me" mentally always. I caught him looking at CL on his phone once while sitting in bed next to me. He swore it was because it was "like free porn" due to the pics people posted on there. I told him it wasn't ok with me and he promised he wouldn't look at the pics again. He barely dodged getting caught there. How brazen he had gotten to search the ads right next to me. It makes me so angry. He spent a lot of time on his phone that year, claiming to be playing video games. I wish I had known how to access the google maps timelines and search stuff years ago. I play out scenes where I drive to his location and knock on the door and catch him. Except if I walked up to the door and ever heard him moaning and making noises while he was fucking, I think I'd have thrown up or punched him and his fuck buddy in the throat.

He is lucky he's remorseful and contrite and trying so very hard, that's the only reason he's still around.

Sorry that totally went off track, and turned into a vent.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 5:21 PM, August 9th (Tuesday)]

HowIsThisReal posted 8/9/2016 17:14 PM

My biggest hurdle, when it comes to mind movies, has been kissing my husband. I know what he did with that mouth. It disgusts me. Now, two gay men doing what they do, doesn't disgust me at all. But this is MY HUSBAND. And I have a right to be disgusted.

Ugh....And can I just say that it thoroughly pisses me off that I even have to say that on this thread...our safe place

.

Yes, I agree. This is our safe place, you shouldn't have to explain how you aren't homophobic. It grosses me out too.

I don't care who does what in their own bedrooms, until it involves MY husband, then I care and then I DO have a right to be grossed out.

BallofPain posted 8/10/2016 15:33 PM

Oh man, those mind movies. The sad thing is they still kind of haunt me to this very day. The hardest part for me was black rubber or motorcycle gear. The Spiderman mask. Just thinking of those items at this point, still plunges my mind into an icy bath. What he allowed strange men to do. The day I found out. Finding his Recon X profile. "Bi-curious". With my antiversary coming up quickly, I find these memories running through my head like a subway train. It keep hitting me like a subway train.

I play out scenes where I drive to his location and knock on the door and catch him. Except if I walked up to the door and ever heard him moaning and making noises while he was fucking, I think I'd have thrown up or punched him and his fuck buddy in the throat.

I did that too. Except, I imagine things being said. The things I read on text message, said out loud, laced with moans and groans. I think, I would have curled up into a ball and cried.

LMM, there are times I wonder if I would ever have a wonderful life you imagine me having. My friend told me that she wishes she had my confidence. I wish I could have told her how much of my confidence was a facade. That I was mostly faking.
A few people have said they value me. But there are times (times like today) I don't really believe it.

Update for me, antiversaries suck...and I'm more than 1 week shy of mine. The days are getting worse. It had gotten to the point I feel like I'm going insane. It is especially worse when I have caffeine in my system, so I'll have to cut that out for the time being.

My friend (the same one who admired my confidence), has become a mad hatter. She is a complete and utter mess. Her and her wayward are attempting to R. I do have some concerns. She doesn't quite realize she's a madhatter. She thinks she's the Wayward. He told a lie about the condoms in his bag. An obvious lie to me, but we all know that us betrayed act a certain way. I'm at a lose on what to do. I just know really what NOT to do. It was very painful today talking with her. I find myself with the need to apologize to my friend who I put in this same situation.
Sadly, with DDay being only 2 days ago, all I could do is listen.

[This message edited by BallofPain at 4:34 PM, August 10th (Wednesday)]

SurvivedJuly posted 8/11/2016 20:49 PM

Hi BOP. We share a similar time line. I was completely in the dark until end of June, 2015. By July 14 I knew everything I needed to know. It was like a freight train hit me when I learned what he was doing with young men. Two days later I confronted and asked him to leave. Five months later our house was sold and our divorce was final. This was after 25 years of marriage, adult kids and grandchildren together.

There is a lot to be said for taking decisive action. I was sooooo angry, and that fueled my action. But when it was all over, the pain hit, and hit hard. I just got thru my one year anniversary, and I will say it hit me harder than I expected. So hard I'm back to my ADs and no plans of getting off them quite yet.

All in all, I consider myself to be doing quite well. But it is taking plenty of time, and I'm not fully past it by any means.

Wishing you all the best. Do something fun with people on your anniversary. Or buy yourself a gift. Celebrate your freedom from a dishonest life!

Hugs and strength to all of us here!

Cloudyrain posted 8/13/2016 07:47 AM

Urgghhhh I feel sick. I was just checking the iPhone account billing and seen that STBXWH uograded a Grindr account 6 months ago!!!! I didn't know about he was using that place at all. He swore he had shown me all the online sites he had used. We were attempting R for s while and going to MC.

And now I find another lie. And i really had thought he had told me everything!! Obviously not!!!! I feel so stupid.

We are going to D but this hurts so much. Another lie. It's never ending. He really is a true narcissist. It still gets worse and wirse.

I have a thread in divorce and seperation asking for some advice about Narc Ex as well.

I can't believe how much this has hit me!!!!
My IC says he's a Narcassist. Seems she's right. More lies.
Sorry for moaning on. How could he do all this to me.

I'm so tempted to tell him i know but what difference would that make to him!! Nothing.

BallofPain posted 8/13/2016 11:33 AM

Cloudyrain, I'm so sorry to hear about the newest lie your STBXH has told you. Way to kick a lioness while she's down, eh? So thoughtless and inconsiderate!

Thank you for your words of wisdom SJ. I will definitely think about a little celebration for me. When you said "freedom from the dishonest life" it really spoke to me and that is so true. I think that is worth celebrating.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 8/15/2016 17:59 PM

LMM, there are times I wonder if I would ever have a wonderful life you imagine me having.

Dear BOP, the first question I asked in this forum was: Is it possible to rebuild a life after this?

People told me (almost 2 years ago) it was possible but it took time. And I have found it is true. It takes time. Time is a great healer.

And unfortunately is a long time but you will feel much, much better BOP. I can tell from experience.

I am surprised at some of the first posts that I wrote in this forum. I was in hell, completely in hell and now I have improved a lot.

Sometimes I don't feel that improvement and maybe you don't feel it too but if you go back to how you were feeling a year ago or 6 months ago, you WILL notice the difference.

And in one year from today, there will be a difference too.

And in 2 years you will be very far from where you are now.

This is something that cmego said to me a while ago and I absolutely love what she said:

Life goes on, life REALLY goes on. Don't Settle for less than you deserve.

And she is an example of that. She didn't settle. She dated and is now married again. She used to come to this forum often in the past and now has rebuild her life.

You can do it too honey!

Keep going! You are approaching a new mark!

Hugs
LMM

P.D. Empowered, where are you? If you read this please let us know you are ok.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 8/15/2016 19:18 PM

(((Cloudyrain)))

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