SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Gosh where to start?!

DD was last January when I received a text out of the blue fron the OW informing me she had had an affair with my husband. Later found out from my WH and OBS it was 12 years ago for two years mainly sexting with 6 hookups.

Since then we have both done therapy and I am just finishing up with EMDR. My husband has never blamed me, admitted all the sordid details within a couple of days and has tried his best at reconciliation as have I.

Things are generally good and I can see he has changed for the better. I understand why it happened and accept that it happened but I still struggle to accept that this is now my life if that makes sense.

I have recently been diagnosed AuDHD which makes complete sense and I struggle so much with black and white thinking and justice sensitivity. On DD my husband, my mother and my teenage sons all said I would never get over this and I think they are right.

Every 2 weeks or so the injustice of it all bubbles up and whilst I don't throw nasty words at my husband anymore, I do still push him to admit he was weak, selfish etc even though he has admitted that a thousand times. It's like I'm stuck on a loop. I also have a push pull dynamic with my husband where one minute I want him close and the next minute I struggle to kiss/hug him without cringing internally.

I think therapy has helped me understand the how and why, accept it was not my fault and know my worth but in a way that just makes me more angry that I am living a life I didn't choose because my of my husband's weakness!

Is it time to admit that reconciliation is going against every moral fibre in my body and I am going to constantly be stuck with cognitive dissonance if I stay with my husband?

But if I leave I lose the man I love, my best friend and my support partner. The one who helps me regulate after a bad day at work, who takes on the admin and household chores to prevent me burning out and my sole support system. I worry I won't cope without him, that I will dwell on what could have been and that I would be going against my core beliefs of forgiveness, second chances and reconciliation.

I really feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and sometimes feel the only thing that keeps me going is knowing I have to live for my boys so I don't add more trauma to their lives 😔

Any advice welcome.

[This message edited by Evio at 11:15 AM, Monday, August 31st]

You don’t have to decide now.

The first year after DDay (or two years, in my case), are a roller coaster of emotions, and it can be really hard to figure out what you actually want.

Infidelity is always a deal breaker, in my opinion, and it can take a while to discern whether you want a new deal. If your husband is genuinely remorseful and putting in the work to repair, and if the relationship has enough positives that you feel ambivalent about ending it, you can give yourself more time to find your emotional center and come to peace about what path forward works for you.

In the meantime, work on yourself. You absolutely CAN cope without him—don’t let that fear keep you in a relationship. One thing that helped me get my bearings after DDay was to figure out exactly how I would live and make it in my own without my husband. Building that confidence in myself and having a workable life plan apart from him gave me the space to make a genuine choice to reconcile rather than choosing it out of fear of the unknown.

Hugs to you. It’s a journey I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but you’ll find your way through.

Thank you for your reply grieving. I know physically I would cope, my therapist has shown me that I have coped with every bit of shit I have experienced from a young age. I even managed to complete my masters degree despite DD falling smack bang in the middle of it. But I know my analytical mind will will struggle with the what ifs. My mind usually feels on things until something worse comes along to replace it and I really don't want anything worse than infidelity to happen to me.

I am trying to throw myself into thinking about other things but can't find anything to occupy my mind.

I've read through some of your previous posts and notice you went through similar emotions to me...loving your husband but struggling with feeling in love with him. Can I ask how you feel now? I think this is my fear, our marriage and reconciliation is good but the in love feeling comes and goes and I'm scared to start moving on and being vulnerable with him again as I'm still grieving the fairy tale love story I thought we had

Evio I have very similar thoughts to you and I was told this is something I would never get over, and I don't think I will "get over it" but I am learning to accept and integrate it as part of my world. I still grieve my fairytale love, but if I left I would grieve that and him. I also have periods where I could get angry at the path that at times I believe he put me on but when I regulate myself I know this was never his intention and he hates it all as much as I do, I tell him when I have the sad moments (sad doesn't really cover it does it) I tell him when I am hurting, and we sit with it together untill it passes. This is what integrating it looks like for me, and I had to change my view on what reconciliation meant to me, it doesn't mean it will never hurt, it doesn't mean I won't have periods of grief, it means that ib those moments I still want my husband and he is there to hold my pain knowing he brought it into our world without falling into a pit of shame. My moments of sadness and grief are definitely getting less and losing intensity but I will always wish it never happened

Thank you for replying. I know my husband never intended to cause this catastrophic devastation and I can see the pain he carries knowing he has done this. I'm just exhausted. I've had enough of the pain, the sadness, the anger and the injustice. I wanna get off this ride now but know that it's not possible.

I completely understand what you mean by wanting to get off the ride., I think that's one of the cruelest parts of betrayal, there is no undo button. I don't have any magic words but something I've been learning is that accepting that I can't undo it isn't the same as accepting to live in pain forever, but it was a process, the sadness could have floored me for days, now when it washes over me, I acknowledge it, don't argue with it, tell my husband if needs be then I change whatever I was doing, I would physically move from where I was and do something different to teach my brain that I can feel and accept the pain/sadness without it consuming me or my day, but this was a conscious choice, I made the decision to stop being one foot in one foot out of my marriage, I became vulnerable and went back in 100% knowing if it didn't work I could reassess. I had a moment on the weekend where something triggered me, every fibre of me wanted to reopen the conversations, go through it again, point out what he had done (as if he would ever forget ) but I stopped, I told him what I was feeling, I cried, we hugged, and we went for a run and by the end were joking and laughing (rollercoaster lol) and the rest of the day it never even entered my head. I truly hope you get some mental respite soon, this is a shitty journey that no one wants to ever take, know that you aren't alone x

Your reply really helped Drowning. I was doing really well with the positivity but I think I set myself up to fail in a way
I finished EMDR just before a family holiday and at 18 months post DD and I kind of got it in my head that everything would be better but then (and by better, I mean no more pain) and I now know that's not realistic and it's like I'm grieving this new reality all over again.

I definitely need to put a stop my little pitty party and get my positive pants back on. Think I've got some post holiday blues as well but back to work tomorrow and start of autumn which is my favourite season so I'm determined to dust myself off and try again.

Thank you for your kind words of support xx

Is it time to admit that reconciliation is going against every moral fibre in my body and I am going to constantly be stuck with cognitive dissonance if I stay with my husband?

I often think that one of the greatest hurdles a betrayed spouse has to confront while trying to reconcile a marriage after infidelity is reconciling with ourselves.

You're not alone here, Evio. I think most of us experience similar cognitive dissonance in this regard. It comes down to a simple choice: to acknowledge that there is no justice to be found. Accepting that is extremely hard because all of our instincts demand it.

On some level, this our ego talking. It's the part of us that wants to feel a bit of pride... in ourselves, in our marriage, and in our spouse. And all too often we tell ourselves that we didn't deserve this (which is true), that there's no good reason to accept this, that infidelity is unforgivable.

Then there's that other part of ourselves that remembers that humans are fallible creatures, that we all fuck up and do some incredibly dumb shit. And let's face it: infidelity is at the top of the charts.

Here's the trick. You don't have to make any life-altering decisions right now. You can, if you so choose, take it all one day at a time. You're free to walk away today, tomorrow or in six years.

Give yourself the grace and self-compassion to recover and begin to heal. You're still very early in the process. Time and effort will bring you greater clarity.

I hope that didn't come across as "suck it up buttercup" a pity party is definitely required and necessary at times!!!!

Evio -

I don’t know that putting your positive pants back on is required.

Rule #1 - feel what you feel.

Rule #2 - all the feelings need a turn.

Rule #3 - after working on a feeling, after a certain amount of time, YOU get to vote on how long you sit with it.

Anyone who claims to be happy all the time is selling something.

I really like that you have an innate sense of the injustice you have survived. You need not ever forget how unfair infidelity is.

Ultimately, I found focusing on what I am grateful for helps to pull me out of the low moments, low days.

Just don’t beat yourself up for not being happy enough, or not processing it all enough.

Emotional exhaustion is legit.

Allow for it.

Then pick something to do with a friend, or watch your favorite movie, go for a walk (just like the early days of this Hell) — you find fun things or better things to focus on for a while.

Break the doldrums when you can and list the things you appreciate about how far you’ve come.

At the end of the day, when you have few good moments together, you’ll know if this path will work or that ultimately you need another path.

For me, my R didn’t start until I truly let go of the outcome. In my case, it allowed for a full reset.

Daydream your best life and aim for it, regardless of that outcome.

Evio,

I am three years out from one DDay, and two years out from full disclosure.

The feelings you have are normal. You aren’t feeling the way you are because of autism, nor because of ADHD - but because of betrayal trauma.

You are experiencing NORMAL EMOTIONAL RESPONSES to a very real life situation.

Think of it like this: if you had a severe leg injury, you would experience pain, swelling, doctor visits, Xray, possibly surgery, a cast, difficulty walking, and scarring.

Would you expect to go for a ten mile hike right away? No. Jump on a trampoline the next month? No. Run a marathon, do kickboxing, or play Twister? No, not right away.

Those are NORMAL after an injury, and you might wonder "will my leg ever be the same again?"

Fact is, no, your leg will never be the same again. BUT YOUR LEG WILL HEAL, and will be "better" than the day you injured it.

So in this case, you have had your emotional soul injured. The pain, sense of loss, change in how you think about your relationship, all of that is fallout after the injury. Over time, it lessens.

But you will always have this scar. Whether or not you stay married, the scar will remain.

Recovery is the process of healing the pain and damage. It doesn’t mean you forget it, it doesn’t mean it all "goes away" once you’re more healed and working on reconciliation (or even working on making a new life separately). Like the leg injury, the scar remains, and on cold days you may even feel pain where that injury happened.

Over time, the pain lessens, and your ability to deal with the evolving emotions improves. The waves of sadness slow in frequency and intensity. And you may begin to see your feelings towards your WP improve (or not). But time helps you make better decisions.

If you decide down the line that you want to leave, know that there are no rules that say you waited too long. That’s not how it works. Marriages only work when both people want to stay in the marriage - and any time one or the other decides they do not want to be married anymore, they have the right to file divorce.

Drowning your post definitely did not come accross like that. I have been in a funk for a few days and life has to go on so I know I'm allowed a pity party but I really do need to get some positivity back in my life. I am letting the negative thoughts overwhelm at the moment.

Unhinged you've summed up how I'm feeling well. I've discussed this with my husband a lot over the last weekend and realise there is no way to even the score. He realises that too and I think it upsets him as much as it does me. And yes, I'm realising he is also a flawed human. The more I try and avoid infidelity, the more I realise how common it is. Not that that makes it right or ok but it does seem to be a common human failing.

I have been putting pressure on myself to heal as quick as possible and judging myself on myself on my inability to do this creating a pressure bomb inside myself.

I am a very impatient person but I'm going to have to learn to take my time and be gentle with myself whilst I heal.

Thank you for your helpful words

Thank you Oldwounds, some great advice. We have discussed the reality of what both options look like and I feel a bit more reassured in a way. Its kind of like the brutal reality of it has hit me, I can't sugar coat it, make excuses for it or minimise it at all anymore and this means I have to face the reality that what my husband did and we might now make it and that sucks.
I think I'm just scared this sadness and anger will consume me like the early days but you're right, positive pants are probably not needed but acceptance for what is it and gratitude for what I still have is a good option.

Thank you.

Thank you 5 decades. It's hard not to label myself as over sensitive, over thinking, overemotional as I have had a lifetime of family making me feel this way when I was actually undiagnosed AuDHD.i think I read stories in here about people who stayed too long and feel panicky and like I have to rush to make a decision. My husband is happy for me to take the time I need and happy to coparent if I need an emotional break but I just hate uncertainty. I think I need to start anchoring myself and finding certainty in ME rather than my marriage.

Thank you.

Evio —

I think I'm just scared this sadness and anger will consume me like the early days…

The difference from those early days is now you have your sense of self worth back — and your power is choice.

Every day I wake up, I know exactly where the front door is.

I am not, nor have I ever been trapped.

I choose my path each and every day.

You don’t ever have to be okay with infidelity — I feel pretty good about the idea that I will always hate the A — hate that time was stolen from me.

I found there is something else I didn’t expect, watching my wife grow and become her best self. It is one of those things I get to focus on now and today.

All that said, however you find peace, however you find something good in a day is what you want to look for.

There is no clock ticking, no deadline.

Be kind and good to you and you really will find your path, your choice!

Oldwounds - did you ever feel like your wife trapped you but not giving you agency? I feel like a lot of the cognitive dissonance and confusion comes from the delay in finding out. Like, how did you figure out what you were trying to forgive? Just the affair or the silent years too? What counts as real memories and what doesn't? Everyone says the old marriage is over but for people like you and I does that meant the years (in my case 12) following the infidelity meant nothing? That's what's difficult and makes me feel trapped, its like my life story has been directed by my husband without my knowledge.

Evio -

Great questions!

did you ever feel like your wife trapped you but not giving you agency?

I was certainly a part of a competition I didn’t know I was in.

When I look at me then — those old photos of the era, how I was in that moment — I was holding my end of the bargain, and was focused on being a great Dad to my two sons.

My agency was doing my best with the information I had.

I feel like a lot of the cognitive dissonance and confusion comes from the delay in finding out. Like, how did you figure out what you were trying to forgive?

Forgiveness, for me, was as much for me.

Initially, I was hard on myself for not knowing sooner, for missing all the signs, etc.

I forgave it all — and still hate the actual A.

Once I chose to give my wife a chance, the only way WE would have a chance, I had to focus on the work we did in the present.

I knew if all I ever saw is what my wife did wrong, there would be no room to allow her what she was doing right into my heart.

Just the affair or the silent years too?

I forgave all of it.

The silent years were tough, but it is pretty clear my wife could have left back during the A or after.

I gave back a little credit, because if she wanted to be gone, she could have (and still can go or could have gone when I was angry about all of it).

What counts as real memories and what doesn't?

It all counts.

Good days, bad days, nightmare days, secretive days, joyous days with the kids, all the fights, all the family dinners, it all counts for me.

Back to my other point, I always acted in good faith with my best known information.

All that counts.

My wife failed herself and suffered in secret — and she was certain I would be gone if I knew the whole story.

That counts too.

Everyone says the old marriage is over but for people like you and I does that meant the years (in my case 12) following the infidelity meant nothing?

I used to go with the idea of old marriage v. marriage 2.0, but not anymore.

As noted above, it is all one big M. Ugly parts and all.

Two imperfect humans trying to focus on the good in the other.

I can hate the A and love the person my wife is now.

Thats what's difficult and makes me feel trapped, it’s like my life story has been directed by my husband without my knowledge.

True, we didn’t have a vote during infidelity.

I also know my wife wouldn’t wish the pain on me or anyone. She didn’t set out to direct pain and anger and sadness for me — although that was the result of her choices.

I am not my wife’s horrible choices — so I am not defined by any of them.

I am unable to get a single stolen moment back.

So, I make this moment as good as is possible.

No magic ignoring the sins, when I think of them, I hate that stuff.

I do have a vote on my focus.

And I choose it everyday (again, with full knowledge I will be fine with or without the M).

I really think it is still early and completely natural within what a reconciliation looks like. Your are grieving....and rightfully so. You hurt so much because you loved so much.

As always advise people....whenever you struggle, tell your husband. He needs to comfort, reassure, and show remorse and regret...x1,000. As he allows you to express your feelings, over time, they will have less power over you.

I was still having similar troubles at 2 years out. Sometimes still do. And sometimes it depends what else is going on in life. If something else stressful is happening, the betrayal seems to fade to background as my wife and I tackle it. If things become calm, my triggers may increase.

You say he is love of your life. That is the answer. Let grief do its healing work Evio. ❤️💯

I think if you look back, things are better after 1 year from Dday than they were 1 day, 1 week, 1 month after discovery.

You know the old saying - time heals all wounds. Not 100% but time does help.

From experience I can share that things I fixated on right after Dday I no longer think about.

Please give yourself some grace — and allow yourself time to recover. Unfortunately it takes years to start to feel a sense of normalcy again. But I can cross my fingers for you and hope that things are better for you now than they were a year ago.

And that slow recovery continues.

I am 13 years from the year from hell. Life is pretty damn good - because I chose to be happy despite the year from hell.

Some days you just have to make the best out of it all.